[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:00:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #550

Goto:
550, 550-01, 550-02, 550-03, 550-04, 550-05, 550-06, 550-07, 550-08, 550-09, 550-10


Usenet Oracularities #550    (51 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1993 13:41:59 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   550
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

550   51 votes 6mh42 13fei 05chh 3doa1 7fi83 45dhc 7gh92 8ecd4 7ih81 8fga2
550   3.0 mean  2.5   3.9   3.9   2.9   2.7   3.5   2.7   2.8   2.6   2.7


550-01    (6mh42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O! O! O! O! O! O! ORACLE! O! O! O! O! O! O!
>
> WHERE IS THE FILE I CANNOT FIND?  AND WHY AM I SHOUTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh humble supplicant,
}
} You have apparently been working with a Unichs computer.  As you know,
} Unichs is a lot like DOS, but without the....well, anyway, it's missing
} something.
}
} OK, so here's what you probably did:
}
} rm (filename)
}
} What you really wanted to do, is tell it to "Read My (filename)", but
} Unichs, being the rather simplistic language that it is, takes "rm" to
} mean "delete".  If you want to read something, you type "cat
} (filename)".  Why it isn't "dog (filename)" is not clear, but is lost
} to the ravages of time.
}
} It's all very simple, really.  Rename, which could be expected to
} be called "rm", is in fact "mv".  Copy makes a bit of sense, it's "cp",
} but that could also stand for "cut & paste".
}
} Keep in mind that Unix was developed by a joke by a bunch of computer
} geeks, and was never meant to be released as a viable operating system.
}
} Anyway, here's how you get your file back:
}
} Submit an oracular work-request, asking to have the file restored.  I
} should be able to get to it within 3 working days (that's Oracular
} days, each of which is....lets see here....4539 earth days.)  The
} sooner you submit the work-request, the sooner I'll finish, so don't
} dally.  Include on the work request, the following:
}
} >The filename in question
} >The sector address where it used to reside
} >Your full backups from 3 minutes before you biffed it
} >A complete copy of the information in the file.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of where the command "grep" came
} from, and what the heck that stands for.  Some things, even the
} all-knowing can't fathom.


550-02    (13fei dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, mister Oracle...
>
>       I'm not sure if anyone has ever said this to you, but Good
> Night and Pleasant Dreams.
>
> -s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle passes over the chrysoprase flagstones of the gentle
} temple, jasmine on the soft summernight's air.  Diana smiles down upon
} him as he spreads a goatskin on the springy grass and composes himself
} for sleep.
}
} And from the East comes an exquisite creature, of such lovliness as to
} launch 1024 ships.  The Oracle smiles up at her.  She smiles down.
}
} "Oracle?  You answer questions, in exchange for... payment.  Right?"
}
} His smile is a rainbow.  "Right."
}
} She simpers demurely.  Scuffs her toe in the grass.  "Well... there's
} only one thing I want to know."  Her bosom heaves under glittering
} stars.
}
} "Anything, my love."
}
} "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck
} wood?"
}
} The Oracle's eyes bulge.  The girl smiles, but her mouth is suddenly
} filled with fangs... A sudden scudding of cloud, chill wind; and from
} the West the Oracle sees... THINGS!  Crawling on all fours, hornrimmed
} scabarous eyes dripping pus and scalps shedding snowstorms of dandruff
} and painful erections throbbing through plaid trousers like month-old
} hot dogs.  He can hear their uncouth cries: "Why can't I get laid..."
} "How can I get a date with Lisa..."  "How can I meet a woman..."  "Who
} is Barbara?"  "What do women want..."
}
} The Oracle lurches to his feet and pounds away over the withering
} grass...
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax on console at 21:59 ...
} THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR DESTINY.  YOU
} CANNOT ESCAPE.
}
} "Why?  Why has this been done this to me?  Mercy!  Mercy!!!"
}
} Message from lucifer@circle9.hell.com on console at 00:00 ...
} Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I suppose you'd rather be frozen up to your
} schnitzelgruben in a lake of eternal ice?
}
} Message from shiva@peak.himalayas.nepal on console at 00:00 ...
} You don't think my feet don't hurt after all this dancing?  Especially
} when I see Vishnu undoing all my hard work?!
}
} Message from odin@throne.valhalla.org on console at 00:01 ...
} I gave my *eye* for *my* eternal wisdom, you little snot!  Hung from
} the Tree of Life for three days and nights... and I'm *still* doomed
} to perish at Ragnarok!  But you don't hear me complaining, do you?
}
} Message from osiris@memphis.mirror.org on console at 00:01 ...
} It wasn't any picnic getting ripped limb from limb and widely
} scattered.  Not to mention the fact that they couldn't even *find* my
} schnitzelgruben and now I have to make do with one of wood...
}
} Message from buddha@<NULL> on <NULL> at 00:02 ...
} This is maya, Grasshopper.  Why do you resent what is not there?
}
} Message from cthulhu@rlyeh.pacific on console at 00:02 ...
} Perhaps you'd like to TRADE PLACES, eh?  Let's see what waiting for
} death to die over strange aeons does for YOUR attitude!
}
} Message from prometheus@rock.tartus.greece on console at 00:03 ...
} How do you feel about birds?
}
} Message from. . .    Message from. . .  Message from. . .
}
}                          * * *
}
} The Oracle jumps awake, eyes backforth flicking... gropes for the vial
} of ephedrine.
}
} As stumbles to his blindingly white linen robe, he holds his head and
} knows, as only an omniscient can know, what to expect from the coming
} day.  "Somebody," he says, "owes me a good night's sleep."


550-03    (05chh dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark Cherian, final year philosophy student, sat staring in
} disbelief at question 1 on the exam paper.  He blinked.  He rubbed
} his eyes and looked back at the paper to see if he was halucinating.
} After all, he was mentally exhausted from studying right through
} the previous night.  But no, the question was still there, grinning
} at him.  "My *god*" thought Mark, "The examiners have really
} flipped this time.  They've asked some doozies in the past, but
} this really takes the biscuit.  Never mind, if I can answer the
} others I'll still do OK".  He looked at the next question.
}
} -- 2) What is the difference between a duck ?
}
} Mark rolled his eyes.  "What the hell are they up to?"
}
} -- 3) My dog has no nose.  How does it smell ?
}
} That did it.  Clearly there had been some mistake, and a bad joke
} book had been substituted for the exam paper.  He looked around the
} hall.  Strange, everyone else appeared to be working as normal.  Not
} a puzzled look on any of their faces.  Perhaps it was only *his*
} paper that was wrong.  He put his hand up.  An invigilator spotted
} this, and approached.  "Oh no!" thought Mark "not him!"
} "What's the problem, Mark ?" asked Professor Scott.
} "My exam paper, I think it's different to everyone elses"
} "It is.  And look at question 4" said the Professor, grinning evily.
}
} --4) Argue the moralilty of screwing my wife the other night when I
}      was working late.


550-04    (3doa1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who receiveth some pretty weird grovels, and who excelleth in
> the use of Elizabethan English, pray tell me why thou sufferest to live
> those who commit any of several faults:
>
>  - Missing grovel
>  - Hasty or perfunctory grovel
>  - Use of interjective "Oh" instead of vocative "O"
>  - Failure to use correct Elizabethan English
>
> Or dost thou actually accept Elizabethan(II) English and all the
> lesser forms, these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou thy grovel be marginal, an anfwer be forthcoming.
}
} I can fee that thou art a bard at heart.
} All forms of English are acceptacle to the Ufenet Oracle, as are all
} other lanuages. Although it feems that the colonials fave you yet
} maftered the Queen's English. For footh, I have faid many a time that
} the Americans cannot teach their children how to fpeak proper English.
}
} Thou oweft the Oracle the letter f.


550-05    (7fi83 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative,
> celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine,
> dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary,
> famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite,
> influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent,
> omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious,
> profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime,
> superior, supreme and wise Oracle,
>
>       A while back I asked you that question again, and gave three
> conditions.  You replied with a few other conditions that I was not
> aware of.  For this, I thank you.  But my question still remains
> unanswered.  So, I will put it to you again:
>
>       Oh Oracle, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if:
>
> a)  the woodchuck were capable of chucking wood (of course), AND
> b)  said woodchuck were capable of chucking wood for hours on end, AND
> c)  said woodchuck were given a time limit of three hours?
> d) the set of all woodchucks is non-empty
> e) the set of wood is non-empty
> f) the set of unchucked wood is always non-empty
> g) the intersection of the set of wood and the set of woodchucks
>       is empty
> h) wood is capable of being chucked
> i) wood that has been chucked remains chucked
> j) wood does not spontaneously become chucked
> k) wood cannot be simultaneously chucked and unchucked
> l) it is possible to distinguish chucked from unchucked wood
> m) there is a physical measurement for the rate of woodchucking
> n) the rate of wood chucking is constant
> o) the amount of wood that has been chucked is a linear function
>       of the rate of chucking
>
> I await your most illuminating reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, all the recent woodchucking woodchuck publicity has
} forced all of the aforementioned woodchucking woodchucks into
} seclusion (they like to chuck in private.)  Thus, your question
} is, alas, moot.
}
} However, in order for them to fulfill their long-term wood
} displacement contracts with "Mother M," they have sub-contracted
} the job to an international consortium of voles.
}
} Of course, voles cannot chuck wood; therefore, they have developed
} a new technique for moving it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to the following question:
}
}     "How much wood could a vole roll if a vole could roll wood?"


550-06    (45dhc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and forgiving oracle who would never wear plaid and is kind to
> most arrdvarks and Barry Manilow, wouldst thou please tell me what
> exactly a "ZOT" is?  I have seen the term used many times by you, in
> your infinite linguistic knowledge, have looked up the term in
> Webster's, called the Betty Crocker 800 number, and searched through
> thousands of old Bazooka wrappers looking for some small pittiance of
> an answer to no avail. Please help me, oh great one, for I am an
> English major, and would really like to add the term to my vocabulary.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are very wise to seek such knowledge and it pleases me to tell the
} story of the "ZOT" to a student of the language such as yourself.
}
} Many years ago, in the darkest jungles of Africa, there lived a tribe
} of people called the Yugos.  In this tribe was a witch-doctor, a man
} named Bimmer. All of the people looked to Bimmer to discern between the
} works of the gods and the works of man.  When Volvo's baby died, Bimmer
} said that the gods were not happy with the way she had presented her
} last offering.  When Mercedes' baby died he said that it was Infant
} Death Symdrome and that she should of had a monitor in the crib. One
} year the crops failed and Bimmer said that the gods were angry because
} the seeds had not been properly consecrated before they were sown.
} Three years later the crops failed again and Bimmer said that it was
} because the acidity level of the soil was too high causing improper
} absorption of necessary nutrients through the root hairs.
}
} And so it went, year after year, disaster after disaster, Bimmer always
} there to provide the explanation.  And the people were content.
}
} Then one day, when Bimmer was very old, he fell while free-climbing up
} the sheer face of Mount Lotus.  And as the people gathered around his
} broken body there was much murmering.  "Is this the hand of the gods?".
}  "What could Bimmer have done to cause the gods to kill him?".  And as
} they wondered Bimmer's lips started to move.  A young maiden quickly
} jumped to his side to hear his final words.  As she placed her ear next
} to the old man's mouth she heard Bimmer say with a final sigh
} "Ran...out...of...chalk".  And the people were sad.
}
} Shortly after the burial a young warrior of the village was injured
} while cutting wood and the people were confused.  Some said "We have
} offended the gods and they are angry with us"  Others said that Honda
} should not have removed the kick-guard from his chainsaw.  And there
} was much discension in the tribe.
}
} A great council was held by all of the tribal leaders to discuss what
} needed to be done now that Bimmer was dead.  After many hours of
} talking and arguing and playing checkers it was decided that a great
} sacrifice would be offered to the gods and the entire village would
} pray that they would receive someone to restore peace to the village -
} someone who could explain why bad things happened.
}
} The next evening, all of the people gathered in the canyon of worship
} and many burnt offerings were made.  Sheep, goats, mother-in-laws, even
} an original autographed copy of the White Album were given to the gods
} in the hope that they would aid them.  "O great gods of the earth and
} sky, help us in our need, restore the peace we once had, give us a way
} to discern between your unquestionable actions and our stupid
} accidents, we pray thee."
}
} Immediately, the sky lit up and a voice came out of the heavens, "I
} have heard your plea and will answer it.  From now on whenever I cause
} pain and suffering I will preceed it with a sound.  If pain and
} suffering befall you without this sound then it is due to sheer dumb
} luck.  I have spoken."
}
} A great cry went up from the crowd, "O mighty gods, what is this sound
} that we know what to listen for?"
}
} The voice replied, "Here is the sound, listen well for I shall not
} repeat it with consequences.  I have spoken."
}
} ================================== ZOT
}
} ================================= Another great cry went up from the
} crowd, "What was that?", "I didn't hear it, someone was talking", "Tell
} the gods to repeat the sound, my tape recorder wasn't on",
} "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH", "EVERYONE SHUT-UP!!!!".
}
} Silence.  "O wise gods, please repeat the sound for not all of us were
} listening."
}
} ================================== ZOT
}
} ================================= The people cheered.  "We have heard
} the sound!!!  Peace will once ag..."
}
} At that moment the earth shook and the mountains trembled and the walls
} of the canyon cliffs came crashing down killing the entire population
} of the village.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new European sportscar.


550-07    (7gh92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle. please answer once and for all this most important of
> questions.  I have been sitting and thinking about it for ages.
>
> The toilet roll can be hung in one of two ways.
>
>           Either                           Or
>                  _|                            _|
>                 / |<---- wall                 / |<---- wall
>                /  |                          /  |
>            ___/   |                      ___/   |
>           /  /\   |                     /  /\   |
>           | o |\  |                    /| o |   |
>           \___/|  |                    |\___/   |
>                |  |                    |        |
>
> Which is the correct way?  By my calculations (working it out with
> pencil and paper as I often do), it should be the first one, because
> pulling the paper out and down as one does would make the roll move out
> from the wall and free its movement (so to speak), whereas the second
> one pushes the roll into the wall and binds it up (as it were).  Is my
> thinking correct, or have I simply been going through the motions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The *correct* answer is to go back to leaves, which are significantly
} easier produce and dispose of.
}
} You owe the Oracle 15 hours of thinking of something useful...


550-08    (8ecd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus x7736)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I accept this job offer or should I keep the job I have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fess up, Dan, you lost the election.  Give it up.


550-09    (7ih81 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You smell like a big porcupine.  There, I said it.  I got it off my
> shoulders and now I can worship you as you deserve.  OH MASTER, FORGIVE
> ME!
>
> Who is ELCARO, and why does he insist we insult him, and then answer
> his questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And you bear the stench of hamsters, o supplicant.
}
} Elcaro is the anti-oracle, whose number is 664.  Ignore him.  Whenver
} he asks you a question, tell him the woodchuck story.


550-10    (8fga2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great omnisceint Oracle, I am stuck at home during my spring break
> because I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my friends. I am bored
> out of my mind. What can I do to keep myself entertained?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hard question indeed.  What could as fun as drinking enormous
} volumes of bad beer, throwing your guts up, passing out on a crowded
} beach, and suffering from severe sunburn?  Tough question.  However,
} Mr. Usenet "party animal" Oracle always has a ready answer.
}
} One word: "microwave."  You may ask, what fun is a microwave oven?  I
} thought it was an ordinary cooking device.  I did not know that it
} could be a source of entertainment too.  Ah, but it is true.  Here are
} five (5) fun and easy things that you can do with a microwave oven.
}
} 1. Fill a glass with alchohol or kerosine.  Put a steel brillo pad
} into the glass.  Put the glass into the microwave.  Turn it on.  Make
} sure your fire insurance is paid up, ha ha!
}
} 2. Go to the local animal shelter and purchase a cat.  (Incidently,
} the local animal shelter can provide hours of entertainment on its
} own.)  Put the cat into the microwave.  Attach the microwave to a
} radiation source to randomly determine whether to turn the microwave
} on or not.  In effect, this is the famous Schroedinger's Cat
} experiment.  Afterwards, you will have a cat that is only 50% alive.
} Great for breaking the ice at parties.
}
} 3. Buy a ten pound bag of microwave pop corn.  Fill the microwave to
} the brim.  Weld the door closed.  Turn it on.  Make a bet with your
} friends on whether the corn will stop popping or the microwave will
} explode first.
}
} 4. Carefully remove the metal screen the from the door of the
} microwave.  Make a study on how long it takes for your family to get
} cancer.  For more data, do the same thing to all of your friends'
} families.
}
} 5. Microwave ovens and water go together perfectly.  Take your
} microwave into your bath tub with you.  Nothing is better than grilled
} cheese sandwiches will relaxing in a nice hot bath.  For added
} excitement, you can try to determine if your microwave can work while
} under water.  The answer may shock you, ha ha!
}
} Have a great time.  If the microwave is not fun enough, then I know a
} few things that you can do with a garbage disposal too!
}
} You owe the Oracle some fun in the sun.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org