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Internet Oracularities #551

Goto:
551, 551-01, 551-02, 551-03, 551-04, 551-05, 551-06, 551-07, 551-08, 551-09, 551-10


Usenet Oracularities #551    (58 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1993 14:18:54 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   551
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

551   58 votes js830 3foc4 2bqe5 18qi5 ecce6 5dn6b 39og6 16fgk 26jla 4ane7
551   3.1 mean  1.9   3.0   3.2   3.3   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.8   3.5   3.2


551-01    (js830 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been working long and hard on a GIS (Geographic Info. Sys)
> program.  Its finially done.  However, it seems that the area of
> the world that I was using for test data ACTUALLY CHANGED according
> to modifications that I made with my program.  It appears that my
> GIS program can actually manipulate the real world that I am
> modeling.  I just deleted a slew of the Pacific Islands by accident.
> I've also managed to build a rather nice beach front for my house.
>
> Would you perhaps, like me to make Indiana into a nice mountain
> so that you, the Great Oracle, may sit on top?  This IS ethical
> isn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has no need for such humble gifts but thank you for the
} offer.
}
} you owe the oracle a "throne"


551-02    (3foc4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who has never forgotten a single word of any spell.  I have
> just become a member of the Seventh Circle of Wizards, and I have
> learned the Seventh Mystery of Raj-lia.  The problem is that the Eighth
> circle is a bunch of elitist bastards, and they won't let me take the
> entrance exam until I learn the Improved Mystic Phantom spell.  This
> spell is just too damn hard.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNKNOWN
}
}       "JOANIE! Where the hell is My robe?!"
}       Joanie, the Oracle's faithful secretary, cringed.  She then
} silently asked God why her Boss had had to join that damn circle of
} wizards.  As if her life wasn't complicated enough, what with making
} sure the Oracle was always well supplied with gourmet jellybeans (sans
} the jalapeno and popcorn-flavored ones), that Rush Limbaugh's letters
} never reached Him, and that the screen of His Nintendo machine was
} always wiped clean...now there was this.
}       She counted to ten, slowly, first in English, then in Russian,
} then in Klingon.
}       "JOANIE!"
}       She got up, steeled herself, and walked slowly into His office.
} "You hollered, Boss?"
}       The Oracle looked up from where He was rummaging through the
} closet.  Joanie looked around at the Mess and promised herself a good
} theraputic tension-release screaming session that night.  The Oracle
} straightened up, stretched a kink out of His back, and dove for the
} bookcase.
}       "Boss?"
}       "Maybe it's in here," she heard Him mumble as He tossed books
} hither and yon.  A copy of "The Bible According to God" landed next to
} "Dave Letterman's Top Ten Lists" and was followed by "Deep Thoughts" by
} Jack Handey. "I know the cleaners sent it back, they--they DID send it
} back, didn't they?
}       "I don't know.  You sent it with one of the lackeys, didn't You?
} Which one took it to the cleaners'?"
}       "I think--I think it was Howie. The guy we send to get the donuts
} and jellybeans?"
}       "I'll call the cleaners and ask.  Say, Boss?"
}       "Yeah?"
}       "What is this circle thing You joined, anyway?"
}       "I can't tell you that.  Very hush-hush.  Why hasn't housekeeping
} cleaned out My bookcase lately?  You wouldn't beLIEVE how many stale
} jellybeans there are back here--"
}       "Well, why do You need the robe today? You usually don't."
}       The Oracle pulled Himself out of the bookcase.  "Well, I didn't
} really join for Myself.  One of My supplicants did, and I renewed My
} membership so I could be his sponsor.  He's trying to get into the
} Eighth Circle, but they're a bunch of elitist bastards.  They change
} their spell every week, and only tell the other wizards in the Circle,
} so that no one has a snowball's chance in hell of learning it.  But I
} just happen to be in the Eighth Circle, so I always know the spell of
} the week. They call it the Improved Mystic Phantom Spell, but the truth
} is it's just a sentence they pick out of a book and recite backwards
} with French pronounciation.  So I need to go this week, learn the
} sentence, and send it off to My supplicant so that he can enter the
} Circle this week."
}       "But Boss, wouldn't You already know that? You are all-knowing of
} the past, present and future."
}       "Sure, I know everything, but those elitist bastards don't.  So
} I'm sending the sentence today and going tonight so they don't suspect
} I used My knowledge.  They'll just figure he bribed Me."
}       "So what's the sentence, out of curiosity?"
}       "Lemme see....It's from Douglas Adams..."'Anything that happens,
} happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen,
} causes something else to happen.  Anything that, in happening, causes
} itself to happen again, happens again.  It doesn't necessarily do it in
} chronological order, though.'"
}       "Wow."
}       "Yeah.  Now could you be a buddy, Joanie, and find out what the
} hell happened to My wizard's robe?"
}                                           --K.A.A.
}
} --There you have it, dear supplicant. Take the passage, write it out
} backwards, and pronounce like a Frenchman, and you are guaranteed
} entrance into the circle of elitist bastards.
}
} You owe the Oracle another wand of lignum vitae--I lost Mine.


551-03    (2bqe5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i subscribe to newsgroups

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Friend:
}
}       Subscribing to newsgroups is a very difficult process.
}       Each year, only 700 new people are allowed to participate
}       in USENET.
}
}       Here are the basic steps:
}
}       -obtain an account on a UNIX machine
}       -see if that machine receives USENET news
}       -see if there's a newsreader program (example: rn, trn)
}       -invoke the newsreader program by typing its name
}        and pressing the large key labelled "Return"
}
}       Now you're reading news. To POST news you have to
}
}       -learn how to use the vi text editor.
}       -have something to say.
}
}       You may only post news items that are: inflammatory,
}       incorrect, or useless. For example:
}
}       (inflammatory) It is OK to post to rec.arts.tv.startrek
}       and say "I think _Lost In Space_ was __MUCH__ better than Star
}       Trek."
}
}       (incorrect) Feel free to post to comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware
}       and explain how you can double the speed of the machine
}       by doubling the line voltage.
}
}       (useless) It's not OK to post a new graphics algorithm to
}       comp.graphics.research. (An acceptable posting would
}       be "How do I view the .gif files I see in alt.sex.seniors")
}
}       One very Important Rule
}       - Never say anything bad about Amiga computers.
}         You'll be sorry.
}
}       To apply for news posting access, type Pnews. If you're
}       one of the lucky 700, Pnews will let you post an article.
}       If not, all of your files will be erased.
}
}       The Oracle will see to it that you will be granted permission.
} s


551-04    (18qi5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who could whip the Borg with a single thought, please answer
> my question:
>
> Where in the hell is Carmen SanDiego?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The oracle, in his infinite wisdom, realizes that you have mistyped
} your question. What you meant to say was: "Where in Hell is Carmen
} SanDiego," which, coincidentally, happens to be the name of the
} newest game in the Carmen heirarchy. This romp through the netherhells
} is the result of Carmen and her gang stealing the halos off angels,
} the pearls from the gates, and the throne right out from under God.
} In his wisdom, he has appointed you, a fallen angel, to go catch
} Carmen.
}    You will travel through the inferno, crossing rivers of blood and
} putrefication, inhaling strange vapors, meeting damned souls, and
} so on until you catch the wench.
}    Unfortunatly, the Oracle cannot tell you where she is, you must
} figure that one yourself. Hint: Ask Dante, he knows his way around.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of the Deluxe Edition.


551-05    (ecce6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % whois GOD

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unknown command "whois"
}
} c:\>


551-06    (5dn6b dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and Mighty Oracle,
>
> Why do girls shop so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh come now.  You don't expect to lure me in with *THAT* one, do you,
} Gloria?
}
} We all know that ever since Lisa upstaged you at the Playboy Club and
} got you fired for not being pretty enough, you've been trying to get
} revenge. First you claimed you weren't fired but that you quit to fight
} the forces of sexism.  Then it was writing books.  Then came the
} talk-show circuit and the university lectures, and now THIS!
}
} THIS!  To think you've sunk this low, my dear Ms. Steinem, as to ask
} such a loaded question, just so you can point to all your friends and
} say what a horrible EvilPatriarchalRepublicanChauvinistPig the Oracle
} is.
}
} Well, sweetie, you won't catch me that easily.  I've been reading the
} Official Politikally Korrect Dicktionary.  And with the exception of
} the little typo in the preceding line (whups, we can't use THOSE four
} letters together anymore!), I'm completely reformed.
}
} Note my usage of officially-sanctioned PolCor/DoubleThink(R)
} PolitkallyEmpoweringTerms(TM) in my reply.
}
} To wit:
}
} The reason the average gyrl shops so much because her boyfriends is
} never around.  He's too busy boffing the hot chyck he picked up at the
} bar last night.
}
} You owe the Oracle an old dyctionary or a new spelling checker.
}
} And get me a beer from the fridge, willya?


551-07    (39og6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I unstable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nitrogen Tri-Iodide, NI3.NH3, is unstable.  Ammonium chlorate is
} unstable. Barium Chlorate is unstable.
}
} Nowhere in the Merck index is supplicant listed as unstable, so I guess
} that means you're OK.  Relax.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $500.00 gift certificate from the Pyrotechnic's
} Store.


551-08    (16fgk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What are hiccups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hiccups are creatures
}       Who live in your spleen
} They number in thousands,
}       But can barely be seen
} They're small and they're harmless,
}       But can be quite mean.
} They feed off of swallowed
}       Wads of Dentyne (tm).
}
} It's dry in the spleen,
}       And that's how they prefer it.
} So when you drink too fast,
}       They try and deter it.
} They call out the Navy,
}       Air Force and Marines
} And wage an attack
}       On your stomach, in teams.
}
} They shoot little arrows,
}       And tiny harpoons.
} Your stomach feels this,
}       and so it balloons:
} It draws in some air,
}       With embarrassing sounds,
} And keeps it all there,
}       'Till it's big enough 'round.
}
} And then, with a belch
}       That could blow up a bus,
} It expels all the hiccups
}       Through the esophagus
} In the case that some of them
}       Might have got left in
} It forces them out
}       Through the lower intestine.
}
} So the next time you're drinking
}       A big glass of water,
} Be good to the hiccups,
}       And do what you ought-er.
} Don't drink it too fast,
}       Or they'll get mad and frown
} And you'll make that embarrassing
}       Hiccuping sound.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Dr. Seuss on a silver platter, and the
} head of Dr. Science on a 12" vinyl album of Ethel Merman disco tunes.
} Now scram, kid, you bother me.


551-09    (26jla dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knowest all that there is to know tell me what is the
> connection between a womans genitals and her brain that would cause her
> to repeat "I have a headache" whenever she is asked to copulate with
> her chosen mate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not the connection between her genitals and her brain that does
} it...it's the connection between *his* genitals and her brain.
}
} Women, contrary to popular belief, are intelligent.  They long ago
} made the connection between copulation with men and sleeping in the
} wet spot, pregnancy, body odor in the sheets, being unsatisfied
} while partner naps, and finding the damn seat left up during the
} post-coital wee-wee.
}
} Ergo, the mere thought of sex gives women a headache.  So she's not
} lying to you...she really does have a headache.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Rice Chex.  (You can put the gun down now,
} Lisa.....)


551-10    (4ane7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In April 1992,  Los Angeles exploded  in rioting and  rampant acts  of
> violence.  One unforgettable scene on TV involved a black store owner.
> With the boldness of  a prophet, he shouted  at the looters, "What you
> are doing just isn't right!  It isn't right!"
>
> His words stirred the consciences of young and old alike. But who says
> it isn't right?   That angry man  and those  who  agree  with him?  We
> can't  establish what's  right by majority    vote.   Are there  moral
> absolutes, perhaps rooted in a divine being who is holy and just?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are plenty of divine beings, and most of them are holy and
} just plain crazy.  (Although I grant that Thor has a point about
} 'light' beers being the work of Satan.)  I mean, looking to these
} beings for moral guidance is like looking to a fraternity for
} serenity and decorum.  Some examples:
}
} ODIN, Norse god of battles and generally the Chief of the Aesir
} (when he was sober), once plucked out his eye that he might acquire
} wisdom, which obviously he needed, since if he were wise he wouldn't
} have poked his damn eye out.  And for this, we named Wednesday for
} him.
}
} JHVH, God of Israelites and acknowledged creator of the world in
} most of the  Western hemisphere, once had his people wander in the
} desert for forty years because he left the itinerary at home on the
} piano.  Still, he was good for a few laughs when he created the
} platypus for Charles Darwin.
}
} FREYA, goddess of fertility to the Norse, was actually a
} loose-moraled Vanir who basically slept with anything capable of
} sustaining the endeavor for a minimum of eight seconds.
}
} BUDDHA, the God who Claims Not Godhood, once sat before a wall, and
} when he arose, he was enlightened.  The wall had been bored to
} death.
}
} So, the best answer one can give is that "right is the side that the
} return key is on."  (By the way, he was yelling "This isn't white"
} in an effort to keep the looters away.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the Rodney King tape, that I may distribute it in
} the hopes that it never happens again.


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