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Internet Oracularities #552

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552, 552-01, 552-02, 552-03, 552-04, 552-05, 552-06, 552-07, 552-08, 552-09, 552-10


Usenet Oracularities #552    (57 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 15:07:03 -0500

@@@ This month's issue of _Boardwatch_ magazine (Apr `93) contains a
@@@ short, introductory article on the Usenet Oracle by Kevin Savetz
@@@ (savetz@rahul.net).  Available wherever fine computer magazines
@@@ are sold!

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   552
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

552   57 votes 8pg71 5fo67 4gna4 37dgi 8gk85 3nk83 5hjb5 8hea8 doe33 3kfe5
552   2.8 mean  2.4   2.9   2.9   3.7   2.8   2.7   2.9   2.9   2.3   3.0


552-01    (8pg71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose depth of knowledge is greater than the Atlantic
> ocean.
>
> Can you give me a few hints and tips on how to become immortal ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} incarnated as <Anonymous yet wise>
} Lie about your age.


552-02    (5fo67 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge of philosophy is
> unequalled,
>
> Is this a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant of little cellular brain power, whose ideas on
} philosophy are sadly lacking, is this an answer?


552-03    (4gna4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much force is involved in an earthquake of magnitude 7 on the
> richter scale?
> How much energy is dissipated in an earthquake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey this is NOT FAIR.  The description said that any physics questions
} people would ask me would be MULTIPLE CHOICE.  All I would have to do
} then would be to put it in a box, with a cat holding a pen. (It would
} have to be a box which would be sealed from my omniscience.) The cat
} would then mark an X onto one of the 4 possible answers.  When I then
} open the box, by doing so I observe the quantum state of the contents,
} thus altering the state vector and instantly creating 4 parallel
} universes, which in one of them the cat will have answered the question
} correctly and I could claim that the question was so easy my cat
} answered it.
}
} But alas.  I'm stuck with your question.  Let's see now.  Force.  The
} Force is very powerful.  The force flows in and around us.  It is
} created by the life which surrounds us.  But beware of the dark side.
}
} Richter was a Dark Jedi Master, so the force required for an earthquake
} of magnitude 7 on the guy's scale would be (thanks to a well thought
} out 1:1 metric system) the same force required to light 7 green
} lightsabers.
}
} Lisa, my blonde girlfriend, wants to answer the second part of your
} question. She says "Since an earthquake makes things stop, and RED is
} stop, green is go, and due to the conservation of energy theorem,
} the energy dissipated is equal to -7 green lightsabers, OR, 7 red ones.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hair dying kit for Lisa.


552-04    (37dgi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make holes in a fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a fire drill, of course.


552-05    (8gk85 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle:
>       Every day, millions of miles are pedalled away on stationary
> exercise bicycles without that energy being translated into linear
> motion. Since I was told in a college physics course that angular
> momentum is conserved, I was wondering what would happen to the
> rotation of the earth. Would it slow down?  Speed up?  Or would the
> poles tumble?
>       Help me Oracle, lest my troubled spirit flip-flops!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may rest easy. The effects are negligible, and nobody will even
} notice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 23-hour clock.


552-06    (3nk83 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Wonderful Oracle:
>
> How do I get my Very Own newsgroup, like James "Kibo" Parry has
> (and Matthew *X* Melmon wants to have)? I want everyone to worship
> *me* the way they worship Kibo (and Your Majesty, the Oracle).
>
> I realize I can go ahaed and create one, but that's not good
> enough. I want a *real* newsgroup in a *real* hierarchy (comp?). I want
> there to be a vote and have an Overwhelming Majority of USENET
> people vote YES for it.
>
> Please help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is of the opinion that if you do get your own newsgroup, it
} will be in the alt hierarchy.  We further forsee that the last three
} elements in your news group name will be repeated.
}
} The Oracle does not recommend worship as an enjoyable avocation.  In
} fact, being worshipped can be a real pain in the godhead sometimes.
} You have no conception of my problems.
}
} The Oracle does however recommend Logical Immortality.  A (relatively)
} wise human once said "When all else fails, Immortality can be achieved
} through monumental error."
}
} To begin your quest for immortality, you need a garage and a rich
} friend and lots and lots of spare parts.  If you somehow succeed, you
} will earn yourself a comp.newsgroup.  Else you will earn yourself an
} alt.you.oops.oops.oops newsgroup.
}
} Be careful what you wish for.  You might get it.
}
} You owe the Oracle 666 Red-haired Vestal Virgins between the ages of 16
} and 21.  Pretty Ones.


552-07    (5hjb5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing Oracle...
>
> why does Columbia keep delaying the new Kinks album?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Friend:
}
}       Columbia is just a tiny South American country, with many
}       problems. I'm sure that releasing the next Kinks album is low on
}       their list of priorities.
}
}       Perhaps you can be Happy with another album? Rhino Records,
}       for instance, just released "The Village People's Greatest Hits."
}
} You owe the Oracle a new needle for His phonograph.


552-08    (8hea8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oraclemeister,
> When's the last time you took a bath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask your momma...she was there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little bit of respect.  Heh heh heh


552-09    (doe33 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise:
>
> My doctor says that all the coffee I've been drinking has made me
> irritable. BUT HE'S WRONG!  THAT PINHEAD THINKS HE CAN TELL _ME_ WHAT
> TO DO!?!  JUST BECAUSE HE WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS HE THINKS HE CAN PUSH
> ME AROUND; WELL, I'LL SHOW _HIM_!  I'M GOING TO TRACK HIM DOWN AND
> BREAK BOTH HIS SCRAWNY LITTLE ARMS!  I'M GOING TO SET HIM ON FIRE!
> I'LL STEP ON HIS TOUNGE AND PUSH PAPER CLIPS UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS!  HA
> HA!  THAT'LL SHOW HIM!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well I can see two options available to you
}
}       1) Switch to caffeine free diet coke
}       2) Drink water instead
}
}       You will most likely find the water more tasty and
}       satisfying


552-10    (3kfe5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, the great oracle of the Universe, who probably won the
> Miss Universe pagent last year. Please tell me how to get laid with a
> person of the opposite sex? P.S. I'm Female.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll be right over.
}
} You owe the Oracle an egret feather (you'll find out soon enough!)


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