[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:56:30 GMT

Internet Oracularities #553

Goto:
553, 553-01, 553-02, 553-03, 553-04, 553-05, 553-06, 553-07, 553-08, 553-09, 553-10


Usenet Oracularities #553    (48 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 16:40:08 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   553
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

553   48 votes 16sb2 4ne70 3acf8 29he6 fec52 1ddd8 45aib 15w73 69abc 1ana4
553   3.1 mean  3.1   2.5   3.3   3.3   2.3   3.3   3.6   3.1   3.3   3.1


553-01    (16sb2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose knowledge is unsurpassed, whose
> wisdom is boundless, and whose patience is inexhaustable,
>
> Are computers a fad, or are they going to catch on?  I'd hate to buy
> one just to have it end up next to my 8-track player and quad decoder.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may not know it, but that 8-track and quad decoder are *not*
} obsolete! They are actually part of a brilliantly masterminded plot
} by a group of marketing people who are trying to increase their
} profitability.
}
} You see, back in 1953 a brilliant scientist named Erno Wisenthorp
} developed a machine that would convince people to buy lots of stuff
} they didn't need. Unfortunately, the "Erno-trope" was complex,
} expensive, and had to be used in close proximity to the victim.
}
} The guys from marketing saw the profit potential, but realized they
} would never get people to buy the machine.  So they developed a
} cunning scheme, whereby  they broke the Erno-trope down into
} several 'harmless' parts that the consumer would buy.  They then
} sold these, and almost immediately introduced another product that
} would make the original one obsolete.  They knew that the
} consumers would never throw away an useless, yet expensive piece
} of electronics, but would instead keep it around.  When all of the
} pieces were brought together, the victim would have happily
} purchased a fully functional Erno-trope.
}
} Over the years they sold several pieces to the Erno-trope in the
} form of the 8-track tape, the betavision, the linear tracking
} turntable, and the 2400 baud modem.  Each piece was purchased with
} pride by the consumer, then put on the shelf to collect dust.  The
} most recent of these has been the personal computer.
}
} They only have two more pieces of the original Erno-trope left to
} distribute, and then it's show time!
}
} So go ahead, buy that computer.  Then you won't ever have to worry
} about 'fads' and instant obsolescence ever again.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Partrige Family 8-track tape and an 8088
} motherboard.


553-02    (4ne70 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, Whose pronouns and possessive adjectives
> are even in capitals upon the great Stone Tablet of Life, and Whose
> intelligence awes even such emotionless zombie husks such that I
> inhabit-- Thank You for Your awesome advice on my love life (such that
> it is), and thanks to You I am prepared to go out and live life, etc.,
> etc.  But a new problem has arisen.  Due to extenuating circumstances
> (Spring Break and a huge blizzard) I have not seen that guy who You
> said wants me for about over a week and a half now.  Do You think he'll
> still remember me?  Or am I clinging to a false hope?
> Please have patience with this little mortal.  I get anxious when a
> possible relationship is concerned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, the desire held for you by the one you speak of has not waned
} due to the parting.
} Erm....
} ....How can I put this?....
}                     ....(she has to know sometime)....
}                                                ....Ermm....
} Mortal, the one you speak of was killed in a car accident two days ago.
} But do not mourn, for his love for you was stronger when he died, and
} his immortal soul holds a candle for you on high.  When you hear the
} in the trees there his voice is, telling you not to be unhappy.
} Telling you to find a new love so that your life can be complete.
} ....(*Phew!* that should do it)....
}
} By the way, have you tried Dateline?


553-03    (3acf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ, if counted out in straws, would break any
> camel's back, but if counted out in hay, would make a stack large
> enough to hide a needle through whose eye a camel could pass,
>
> I need help with my latest novel. I have come to a point where I do
> not know what should happen next. Here it is:
>
>     "Here I am", said Igor. "I brought the brains."
>
>     "Good", said Viktor as he deftly inserted them.
>     "Now all we need is some lightning".
>
>     "Allow me", said Igor, as he sat down at his terminal and typed,
>         mailx uunet!moose.cs.indiana.edu!oracle
>         Subject: tellme
>         Dear Oracle, whose feet stink like frog farts,
>         How m*ch w**d would a w**dch*ck ch*ck if a w**dch*ck
>         could ch*ck w**d?
>         Yours truly, Chas. Woods
>     Igor hit control-D and leaned back.
>
>         +-------------------------------------------------+
>         |            <ZOT!>                               |
>         |ZOT!>                                   <ZOT!>   |
>         |         [++ . +++   ++]   <ZOT!>                |
>         |         [  ^^^   ^^^  ]                         |
>         |          |           |              <ZOT!>      |
>         |   <ZOT!> |   |       |<ZO<ZOT!>                 |
>         |          |           |                          |
>         |          |     |  <ZOT!>           <ZOT!>       |
>         |          |           |                          |
>         |          |       |   |  <ZOT!>                  |
>         |        /////////////////////////////////////////|
>         |       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^|
>         |        |                 <ZOT!>                 |
>         |        |     _____       _____         _____    |
>         |        |     | | |       | | |         | | |    |
>         |     <ZOT!>   |-|-|       |-|-|         |-|-|    |
>         |        |     =====       =====         =====    |
>         |        |                                        |
>         |        |                     <ZOT!>             |
>         +-------------------------------------------------+
>
>     Thousands of lightning bolts struck the castle, and their
>     energies were channeled by lightning rods into the recumbent
>     figure upon the dais.
>
>       There was a moment of silence, and then the figure stirred.
>
> O Oracle, please help me. What happens next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, the humble supplicant, have asked me what happens next in your
} novel. I, the mighty oracle, shall now reply...
}
} There was a moment of silence, and then the figure stirred.
} With a noise like the sound of a thousand rabbits groaning, the mighty
} golem raised its ungainly bulk off the rough-hewn table upon which it
} lay. With a ponderous movement it turned its rather unnatractive head
} from side to side as it peered around the dim, dusty and cluttered lab.
}
} "Frankie baby," it exclaimed, "you gotta get me OUT of here!"
} The mighty monster began to pace back and forth across the lab.
} "How could they do this to me?" it muttered. "What am I doing here?
} Shelly's monster gets to be in a famous Gothic novel. Post-grad
} literature theses, the lot! Even the MGM deal was beter than this...
} on some crummy computer network? I mean, what is this shit? Usenet?
} What the hell is that? Usenet?"
} Igor and Viktor watched aghast as the ungainly figure pulled a mobile
} phone out of it's pocket.
} "Monster!" demanded Viktor in a commanding tone. "What are you doing?"
} "Relax Frankie, just relax" tossed off the monster. "I'm calling my
} agent is all. So cool it, right? This was never in no contract, so
} don't try to pull anything on me."
} The monster turned to speak into his phone.
} "Oracle? What crap are you talking about? Oracle Shmoracle! I don't do
} no oracle!"
} Suddenly this scene was interrupted by a heavy banging on the sturdy
} oaken doors that secured Viktor Frankenstein's lab.
} A vast rumbling and banging came from outside.... the villagers had
} come, waving torches, armed with pitchforks and shotguns, to wipe the
} unnatural monster of the face of the earth.
} "It taint be natural, squire", said the leader of the mob to the
} Doctor. "We w what be down in the village, we don't t'ink much of what
} you be doing up here.
} T'e old mill stream been run dry since you startet wit your
} expery-mints up 'ere at t'e old Keep."
} "Aye, and our cow's milk all be dried up" interjected one shrivelled
} old crone.
} Another rustic ruddy-faced villager stepped forward.
} "Aye, and it was said not but that two, _two_ mark ye, calfs were
} birthed down on the common only last night, and both of them had two
} heads apiece! What be ye saying to that!"
} The wailing of the trees reached down to them. It hovered about with
} claws, waiting to catch what it could. Only dark rustlings, the leaves,
} branches whipping through the disturbed night.
} Everyone turned their faces to the cold night air, alive with the
} sudden realisation that evil hovered only seconds away.
} The monster gave an inarticulate roar. It turned away, lumbered into
} the lowering night. The flaming torches semed much dimmer now, seemed
} to flicker on the verge of going out. The villagers looked around. Who,
} now, was brave enough to follow the monster into the night? Instead
} they turned their torches to the ancient wooden beams of the old keep,
} to burn away the unnaturalness, destroy the womb of the twisted bastard
} offspring, the progeny of the doctor's demented lust for immorality.
} Viktor and Igor perished in the fire.


553-04    (29he6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose alliterative powers have tabloid writers in paroxysms
> of jealousy, and whose least action compares only to the Genesis in
> magnificence, please answer your humble supplicant this unworthy
> question.
>
> Why do mail messages <<bounce>>, as opposed to going @SPLAT@ or
> BOINGG?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} your alliterative powers, like your IQ, seem to be zero,
} and your greatest action compares only to the Atari 2600 in resolution,
}
} Munged mail bounces back, futile pings splatter.
} Witless walls scramble screens, fulfilled talks chatter.
} Finger finds you, near or far you,
} No matter who you rwho.
} Deadly demons of the data's dark, internet internals,
} Babbling backbones wasting bandwidth bark, anonymous inferno.


553-05    (fec52 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wise and mighty Oracle :
>                              tell me how we (Informatic Departament of
> my University (where i work)) can obtain more funds ($$$) to buy more
> worstations , more Hard Disks and other stuff that we can't right now
> because we had almost $0000.
>                               Truly yours
>                                   a humble suplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the quickest and easiest ways to make money that i know of
} is to turn your department into a crack house.  who cares if it's
} against the law, whose going to find out?


553-06    (1ddd8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Who thought of the name Apple??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Adam.


553-07    (45aib dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, help me out of this predicament:
>
> Being the shy and modest person that I am, I could not get the guts up
> to ask a girl to a prom.  So of course, some desperate girl asks me to
> the prom.  I went with her two years ago and do not particularly desire
> to go with her again.
>
> But, of course, when she asked if I would like to go to the prom with
> her, the word "yes" sprang out of my mouth.  Now what do I do?  I'd
> like to ask someone else, but how do I go about letting the other girl
> down without mentally affecting her for the rest of her life...
>
> Do you have a disappearing spell, or maybe I will be lucky and you have
> a custom made spell just for these sorts of problems?  Help!!
>
> Awaiting your response.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (What am I, Dear Abby with a copy of the Necronomicon?  Hmnph.)
}
} You actually have TWO problems: you need to get out of your
} committment to take this woman (henceforth referred to as "your girl")
} to the Prom, and you need to salvage your karma.  Currently, for
} leading the poor thing on, you run a dire risk of being reincarnated
} as a woefully unattractive woman with terminal personality deficit.
}
} Here are some possibilities.  Pick the one you prefer and chant its
} title six hundred and sixty-six times, and I'll teleport the
} appropriate grimore to you.
}
} Alter Gender Identity: Turns your girl into a lesbian. She may still
} hold you to the date if she doesn't want to come out of the closet.
}
} Alter Sexual Characteristics: Turns your girl into a fellow. The new
} he probably won't shag you more than a few times before the anger
} dissipates.
}
} Bigby's Lewd but Dextrous Hand: If you can maintain this one for long
} enough, your girl will be too exhausted to go out on Prom night.
}
} Create Zombie: I checked with Miss Manners: zombies cannot (politely)
} hold you to prior social commitments.
}
} Doom of Anne Rice: Causes your girl to become obsessed with vampires.
} Do not cast this one if you are, in fact, a vampire.
}
} Earwigs of Doom:  Effective, but disgusting to watch.
}
} Fandango on Core: Scribbles all over your girl's brain.  Pretty much
} guarantees you'll reincarnate as a computer geek *again*.
}
} Fireball: Zorch the minx.  Of course, you'll reincarnate as a moth in
} a candle factory a few thousand times.
}
} Flight: Take her out to a field, have a confederate fire a magnesium
} flare into the sky, and then fly straight up screaming.  Come back the
} next day and talk to her in a monotone without blinking.  Few women
} want to go out with a guy who's had his brain replaced by aliens.
}
} Grape Ape Rape: Do *not* drop the wand when you cast this one.
}
} Human to Dog: Zap yourself and drool all over her; she should cancel
} the date.  If she doesn't, I want videotapes of the resulting action.
}
} Love Philtre: Drink this in her presence, and you won't mind the prom
} at all.  Makes for some ugly kids later, though.
}
} Pessary of Grue: This spell has only been cast once, on the floor of
} the Imperial Arena during the reign of Caligula.  Never before or
} since have so many people vomited simultaneously.
}
} Quabalah Aquae Mortis: Fills victim's lungs with Manishevitz.
}
} Summon Incubus: Infernally beautiful demon appears and sodomizes
} caster to death.  Extreme, but guaranteed to fix your karma.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spellbook that weighs less than 25 pounds.


553-08    (15w73 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@magic-sam.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most dandy, tell me, where in the world is this "meta-key" to
> be found?  Help me, because I've been given only a week to learn emacs
> or lose my job!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some keyboards do not have a meta key.  Sun SPARCstations have two,
} marked with diamond-shaped glyphs, one on either side of the space bar.
} Some terminals and workstation keyboards have a key marked "META."
} One can always press and release the Escape [ESC] key before pressing
} the key one wants the "meta" of.
}
} But why don't all keyboards have a meta key?  Simple: it's dangerous.
} If certain undocumented Unix daemons are running, pressing the meta key
} can cause the user to metamorphose.  The metamorphosis is not always
} unpleasant -- Cindy Crawford, before her fame, was a 45-year-old woman
} named Belinda Klotz, a remarkably ugly person who worked as a data
} entry operator in an electronic sweatshop in Mobile, Alabama.  One
} morning, before she'd had her coffee, she accidentally hit the meta key
} on her clunky old terminal, and she instantly metamorphosed into who
} she is today.  She established her new identity and quickly rose to
} fame and wealth.  On the other hand, Melvin Grobnik was a graduate
} student in electrical engineering at Purdue until last year, when
} pressing meta at the wrong time changed him into Valerie Scheide, a
} 93-year-old woman suffering from senile dementia and urinary
} incontinence.  A professor at the Swedish Institute of Computer Science
} has gone from graybearded old fart to bosomy blonde fashion model,
} hordes of undergraduates at Penn State have become small marsupials,
} and a Siamese cat belonging to a young woman turned into a saltwater
} crocodile and ate her.  You can understand the dangers.
}
} The Oracle always knows when to use the Escape key instead of meta,
} of course.


553-09    (69abc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blubblubblub.  Eck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'll teach you to drive and drive, Senator Kennedy.


553-10    (1ana4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle who is so great as to be able to ... oh what the h*ll, get
> your grovels elsewhere!
>
> Where does the Easter Bunny spend the rest of the year (ie. when it
> isn't easter)?  And how does ONE bunny hide ALL those eggs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For reason's of national security I can not reveal where the Easter
} Bunny spends the rest of the year.  Rest assured that she is *very*
} comfortable, and that it costs the tax payers a lot of money.
}
} In answer to your other query, she doesn't.  The act of hiding ALL
} those eggs is a family thing.  Prior to Easter, the Easter Bunny
} does what comes naturally, and soon has a veritable army of Easter
} Bunny-etts.  This mass of cuddly fur then runs around furiously
} hiding eggs.  Upon completion of their sole purpose in life, they
} happily donate themselves to the United States Armed Forces, where
} they are fed to the Marine Recruits under the code name "Corned
} Beef".
}
} You owe The Oracle the ears off your chocolate bunny.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org