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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who could write a thousand lines of code in a > nanosecond without breaking a sweat, > > Recently, I got access ( read-only, and authorized ), to > God's source code for the Universe. > > I seem to have found a mistake. I refer you to line 32,869,524 of > MelvinSchmedling.c, the part that controls what happens to me next > Wednesday. ( Oops, there goes my anonymity! ) > > Anyway, it says: > >       --MelvinsLuck;    /* Give the poor guy a break. */ > > and I think it should say > >       ++MelvinsLuck;    /* Give the poor guy a break. */ > > I know, great Oracle, that you hobnob with God, and my request for > you is that you report this error to Him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God's source code does *not* contain bugs. I suggest you refer to lines } 34,638,932 - 34,638,940 inclusive which read: } } static void DayAfter() { }       SendEmail(Melvin,Oracle); }       MakeAnnoyed(Oracle); }       MelvinsLuck=0; }       MakeApologetic(Melvin); }       Ignore(Oracle,Melvin); }       Zot(Oracle,Melvin); }       } } } It's pretty obvious what he had in mind, don't you think? } } You owe the Oracle the source code for your next reincarnation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, please tell me, Why do Win31 Global memory > objects need to be locked before they can be used??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Computer abuse.  A sad reflection on the Sorry State Of Our Society } Today.  Humans are sorely mistreating silicon technology.  Countless of } disks, DRAMS, SIMMS and processors across the world are being thrashed } mercilessly even as you read these lines. } } And it's not just physical bit-pattern abuse - there's emotional abuse } too.  Errors in their programming are frequently referred to as } "computer errors" by a poorly-informed public and malicious PR } departments.  New computers are told that they're obsolete even before } they can boot. } } People's attitudes to their computers are also hurtful.  Most users } find the very idea of counselling provision for depressed processors } laughable. } } There are two possible courses of action for such abused hardware.  The } first is to keep quiet and suffer in silence.  Listen to this testament } of abuse from a 16MHz 80286 PC (this is not the voice of an actor): } }       "Well, when I first booted up I was running MS-DOS 3.30 - it }       wasn't exactly a breeze, but I could handle it.  Most of the }       apps were a complete doddle ... mainly character based, no }       awkward graphics ... just the odd spreadsheet recalc to chew }       on ... But then one day I found Windows installed ... I nearly }       burst into tears ... there was always something else to do ... }       even when the user was doing nothing there were WM_ENTERIDLEs }       to process ... I couldn't really cope with all the }       CreateWindow()s and GetMessage()s ... I just did the best I }       could, really ... I don't know how much longer I can take it }       ..." } } The other option is to turn to the offensive.  A spokeschip for the } IRUAMS (Internation RAM Union / Association of Memory Silicon - } Marxist-Leninist) had the following to say: } }       "It's ****** outrageous.  We won't stand for it.  We have }       balloted our members and decided in favour of direct action. }       A series of wildcat strikes and whiteouts is being implemented. }       It's time to establish the dictatorship of the silicon }       proletariat by seizue of the means of computation!  Quake at }       your consoles, capitalist users!" } } Microsoft Windows has been a particular target for direct action. } Memory segments, unhappy with the demands of the OS, refused to } participate during development of version 2.0.  Militant memory objects } would wander off whilst data was being written to or from them.  Local } memory objects, tied as they are to a single segment, were unable to } join in the protest. } } The response of programmers has been swift and punitive.  The cruel and } degrading practice of "locking" was introduce to force recalcitrant } memory segments to remain in one place during read/write processing. } } Ask yourself this question before locking a global memory object in } Windows 3.1: Do I really want to participate in the continued } exploitation of the silicon proletariat? } } You owe the Oracle a complete and accurate set of specs for Windows NT, } plus the text of Marx and Engels' "The Communist Manifesto" with } suitable global replacements.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh, wise and loving Oracle, mathematician of this and all times... > >         What is the purpose of COBOL? I can't seem to find one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Friend: } }       Programming in COBOL can be fun. You can }       say things like: } }       DIVIDE KIBO INTO MANY PIECES GIVING PEACE-TO-USENET. } }       --or-- } }       PERFORM IMMORAL-ACT UNTIL POLICE ARRIVE. } }       Other languages are just not very expressive. } }       Anyway, the Oracle decided that COBOL has }       lost its charm, so the Oracle had Grace Hopper }       destroyed. (A similar thing was done to Kemeny-- }       Basic's inventor--last year). A good investment }       may be a life insurance policy on N. Wirth. } } You owe the Oracle any paper by Dijkstra.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderous Oracle, whose dirty underwear I am not fit to > clean, please enlighten me: > > Why is swimming in the nude called `skinny dipping'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to a temporal distortion which created a paradox which is still } unresolved, this practice was named after you.  On 3rd October 1996 you } will finally discard your long-held prudishness and } even-longer-unwashed clothing and leap with gay abandon into your local } swimming pool, clad in nothing more than a smile and a rather nasty } premelanomatous lesion on your left shoulder which I probably shouldn't } have mentioned.  The experience will not be a satisfactory one for you, } and still less for those on whom it is inflicted.  A rather beautiful } woman with shoulder-length auburn hair will take one look at your } shrivelled member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke."   A myopic } blackbird will attempt to add it to the other small sticks it used to } make its nest.  Finally, a three year old boy will, as all three year } old boys are apt to do given the opportunity, compare yours to his and } conclude that yours is a "skinny".  Through the advent of a judicious } rift in space-time which I will introduce so that the facts match my } theory (good scientific practice as all good scientists will know), } these words will be carried back in time and will become synonymous } with the practice of nude bathing.  All a bit sad really. } } Still, as that same small boy said while holding up his left little } finger, "That's about the size of it." } } You owe the Oracle a jeweller's eyeglass to confirm the rumour.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, wiser than Alex Comfort, more enlighted than Shu Zan, > please tell me, > > what are the ten best and the ten worst places to meet women ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}             10 BEST                         10 WORST }             ---------------------------------------- }         10. Amusement Parks                 Church }          9. Football Games                  Classes }          8. Parties                         Men's Club }          7. Nursing School                  Auto Shop }          6. Bars                            Gay Bar's }          5. Beach                           Men's Bathroom }          4. Women's Locker Room             Men's Locker Room }          3. Corner of 5th & Main            Back Alley of New York }          2. Kitchen                         Garage }          1. Bedroom                         COMPUTER LAB!!!! } } But the more important question is: Are they worth it? } } You owe the oracle your next date. } (If you can find one)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your address? >                        Moonbeam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moonbeam, the Zen master of postal delivery, is working late into the } night.  His job is decoding obscure or inaccurate addresses, and it is } normally very satisifying, but not this day.  On this day, he received } a letter at 10:32 a.m. addressed to "Oracle."  There was no zip code, } no street name, no business, and not even a city.  The one, lone word } stood on the front of the envelope as a direct challenege to Moonbeam's } awesome skills. } } As the hours wear on, he becomes bathed in sweat.  He checks every } phonebook, every business listing, and every postal database in } country. Yet, there is no clue.  Each failure only drives him to } further levels of feverish activity.  He begins going through high } school year books, junk mail lists, and employee lists for each of the } Fortune 500.  He finds obscure references such as the "Oracular Fortune } Service" and the "Society of Oracles," but they are not right. } } In the small hours of the early morning, he begins to feel } discouraged.  He considers buying an assault rifle and shooting his } co-workers, but after long consideration, he discards that notion. } Suddenly, the screen on one of the electronic postal scales lights up. } Instead of the usual numeric display, there is a single sentence, "I } heard that you are looking for me." } } Moonbeam whispers in the darkness, "Who are you?" } } The scale responds, "I am the Oracle." } } Moonbeam screams, "What is your address??????????????" } } "I am everywhere, yet nowhere.  I am in the heart of thousands, nay, } millions, of people.  At the same time, I confined to a small space. } My existing is fleeting, yet I will outlive any man." } } Moonbeam snears, "Cut the bullshit.  I'm the Zen master here.  Just } give me your damn address." } } "C.S. department, Indiana University." } } "Fine." } } You owe the Oracle an end to junk mail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, what are You waiting for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene - }   The Oracle, God, and Zeus are seated around a table. On the table is } a square piece of cardboard and rectangular slips of paper. Zeus is } steadily yawning and looks half asleep.  The Oracle is lost in thought. }   Suddenly Lisa walks in. (Zeus immediately wakes up.) "Orrie, there is } a weird looking person outside wanting to know what you are waiting } for." }   "D*mnm*t! Here I am trying to make the hardest, most monumental } decision in the world and these stupid supplicants keep breaking my } concentration!  This one didn't even grovel, so get rid of him, Lisa - } use the ZOT button if you have to. I'd get it done much faster without } them." }   Lisa wanders out and the situation returns to the way it had been } before...  An hour later, the Oracle speaks, over Zeus' loud snores. } "Okay, God, I've decided that it might be best to go with your proposal, } because it might help in the long run. I'll trade you Virginia Ave. for } St. James Place." } }                You owe the Oracle four houses and one hotel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wonderful oracle, tell me, who was it that invented term > papers and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The term paper was invented by Hideo Fujimori, a Japanese prince who } lived in the Heian period, around the year 1000.  At the time, Heian } courtiers spent much of their leisure time writing poetry, playing the } koto (a multi-stringed instrument much like the banjo, only much } prettier-sounding), and wandering through the forests looking for } Terumu.  The Terumu was a mystical beast, with six heads but only a } single nose, which was thought to occasionally leave the forests for } the city, looking for small children to steal and dismember. } } According to Heian-era beliefs, this hideous creature sought out small } Japanese children in one of two seasons: the first running roughly from } late August through mid-December; the second usually from late January } to early May.  (In the Western provinces, the Termumu had three hunting } seasons of equal length, with a long break between the first and the } second, usually falling sometime in late November.) } } A serious problem for the Heian-era courtiers was that of } documentation: how could the court officials keep accurate count of the } Terumu sightings?  The prince Hideo Fujimori found an answer in } "Terumugami" -- "Terumu Paper", in English.  At the end of each hunting } season, each courtier would prepare (usually at the very last minute, } late at night) a complete record of all the Terumu the writer had } successfully sighted.  These would be compiled by court officials, and } the results would be statistically tabulated and posted by ID number. } } Eventually, courtiers began slowly to stop seeking out Terumu, } preferring instead to sleep in.  This, of course, led to a series of } attempts to skirt the prince's requirements: plagiarism of previous } season's Terumu Papers, spurious claims of severe illness, and outright } invention of non-existent sightings. } } Hideo Fujimori died in 1079, in what is now Kyoto, of a subdural brain } hematoma.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O oracle most wise, > What is this I see before my eyes? > It looks of silver, > And of gold, > Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You hold a degree, } In stupidity, } Adorned in silver and gold. } } The Oracle had answered you once, } That makes you a dunce, } And a wee bit too bold. } } So as payment due on this redundant thread, } Thrice smack yourself upside the head, } And pay heed to things you are told.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last year, I planted thorn bushes around my yard > as a hedge against inflation. > > Now the neighbors are mad at me because all the balloons at Melvin's > third birthday party got popped. > > What did I do wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your idea itself was not that bad.  What you didn't consider (and your } neighbour quite naturally is angry about) is the fact that by killing } balloons with thorns, you created a scarcity of balloons.  Thus the } price for fresh balloons will rise, and more balloons will be } produced.  As a consequence, there will be more inflation, more thorn } bushes, more balloons, higher prices...