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Internet Oracularities #556

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Usenet Oracularities #556    (54 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1993 08:16:19 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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message).  For example:
   556
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

556   54 votes 1anb9 4ede9 3ejc6 3fkc4 3bedd djd72 3el97 bcdd5 1cof2 28kk4
556   3.1 mean  3.3   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.4   2.4   3.1   2.8   3.1   3.3


556-01    (1anb9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle,
>
>       I am but a poor and simple man with a desire for knowledge.
> Please tell me what happens when Pasta and Anti-pasta are brought
> into contact with each other. I have both in my cupboard and am
> leary of how close they sit toghether. Is this a dangerous
> situation? Will any harmful byproducts be generated?
>
>                          Humbly yours,
>                              homeboy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh poor but sufficiently high in carbohydrates supplicant,
}
} pasta and anti-pasta can annihilate when brought into contact, but
} only when the pastas match.  You are in no danger so long as your
} pasta is rigatoni and your anti-pasta is spaghetti-, for example.
}
} You must be careful if the pasta and anti-pasta match, however.  The
} interactions of the exploding particles (the 'macarons') can produce
} a bewildering array of smaller particles such as rigatons, francons,
} lasagnons, onions, parmesons, and ravions, not to mention heat
} energy in the form of scalding hot red sauce.
}
} You owe the Oracle some gluons with which to make tofu.


556-02    (4ede9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH Mighty Oracle,
>       Please imagine this first paragraph as an infinite amount of the
> highest grovels possible.  That is from here . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to here.
>       Now, pleasse grant me this miniscule wish.  Oh, tell me, Great
> One,
>
> If the G.I. Joe team that invaded our T.V.'s in the 80's were such an
> elite corps of military persona, how did they manage to keep their job?
> They knew their enemy -- Cobra.  They knew who the leader of Cobra
> was.  And they had the most God-awful arsenal of weaponry on the face
> of the planet.  Yet, they never killed anyone or even took any
> prisoners.  I wonder, now with my knowledge of your immense power, if
> You had a hand in the actions of those figures.  I cannot imagine any
> other way that someone's jet fighter could be engulfed in laser-fire
> and go dow in a screaming ball of flames, and THEN CRAWL OUT OF THE
> WRECKAGE!!  This was very traumatic to my then young soul.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hello, this is Hector Ramerez... and this is 'Twenty Questions,' the
} show where we ask the TOUGH QUESTIONS."
}
} "Tonight, in our studio, we have a special guest.  Mr. X, a man who
} has worked within the defense industry for twenty years, he is now
} coming forward to tell the story of one of the largest embezzlement
} scams ever pulled on the federal government."
}
} "Because of the dangerous people involved in this scandal, we have
} taken the precaution of concealing his identity behind this screen and
} electronically disguising his voice."
}
} HEAVILY DISTORTED VOICE:  "Yes.  I was involved."
}
} "Please elaborate, Mr. X."
}
} HDV:  "Back in the early eighties, we in the defense industry were
} interested in the long-term survival of the Soviet Union."
}
} "You mean 'survival FROM,' don't you?"
}
} HDV:  "No, survival OF.  If the Soviet Union were to suddenly
} dissolve, we would all be out of work."
}
} "Understood.  Please continue."
}
} HDV:  "Anyway, we ran computer simulations.  Thousands, if not
} millions of them.  And they all lead to the same conclusion:  total
} dissolution of the Soviet Union by 1995."
}
} "Which has occurred, of course."
}
} HDV:  "Right.  Well, you could understand how the news panicked the
} industry.  Obviously, we either had to find a new client, or better
} yet, a new threat for our existing client."
}
} (Figure pauses to take a drink.)
}
} HDV:  "Then some marketing genius came up with the idea of Cobra."
}
} "Cobra, the international terrorist organization was a marketing
} ploy?!?"
}
} HDV:  "Yes.  Most of Cobra's 'members' are actually out-of-work
} defense employees."
}
} "But how could you convince otherwise-patriotic workers to attack the
} United States?"
}
} HDV:  "Cobra's stated goal was conquest of the United States.  In
} reality, their goal was much more subtle:  to keep corporations like
} Boeing and General Dynamics in business."
}
} (The figure pauses, buries face in hands.)
}
} HDV:  "The company constantly referred to it as a 'gag.'"
}
} HDV:  "It worked too... for a time.  Cobra would pop up unexpectedly,
} attack randomly, the US would buy arms, and they'd disappear before
} troops actually got sent in."
}
} "You said 'for a time...'  I'm assuming something went wrong?  You
} lost control of Cobra?"
}
} HDV:  (laughs)  "If only it were so simple!  No, some smart-assed
} general figured it all out, collected evidence, and blackmailed the
} involved companies.  He didn't want to expose us... he wanted in on
} the 'gag.'"
}
} HDV:  "Then things got weird."
}
} (Figure pauses for more water.)
}
} HDV:  "With an insider within the military, the 'gag' got more
} involved.  He subtly rearranged forces, collecting misfits and problem
} cases into one unit which he called 'Special Counter-Terrorist Group
} Delta,' and which the media nicknamed 'G.I. Joe.'"
}
} (Figure laughes bitterly.)
}
} HDV:  "These guys were pitiful.  They spent more time coming up with
} cute nicknames for themselves and designing the most non-uniform
} 'uniforms' that the world has ever seen."
}
} HDV:  "At this point, we stopped even TRYING to sell weapons."
}
} "Please elaborate."
}
} HDV:  "An example:  They wanted specially-designed laser rifles that
} could stun a target without killing him."
}
} "And?"
}
} HDV:  "We sold them rifles that made a cool sound and flashed lights.
} As dangerous as a fluorescent bulb."
}
} "We have an example of such a rifle here..."
}
} (Stagehand comes on with dangerous-looking laser rifle.)
}
} "Now, if this was an actual kilowatt laser rifle..."
}
} (Stagehand raises rifle and fires at Hector.  He is unharmed.)
}
} "...I'd be dead right now."
}
} HDV:  "Those guys were such lousy shots we could have given them REAL
} rifles and STILL noone would have gotten hurt."
}
} "How much did you sell these rifles to the government for?"
}
} HDV:  "Seventy-five thousand apiece."
}
} "And your construction price?"
}
} HDV:  "A hundred twenty-five, with parts from 'Radio Shack.'"
}
} "How many people have died since the beginning of this 'gag'?"
}
} HDV:  "Oh, about thirty-five, some from accidents, some from natural
} causes."
}
} "How many have died on the battle field?"
}
} (Figure says nothing.)
}
} "Sir, how many have died on the battle field?"
}
} HDV:  "As far as I can tell, no one."
}
} "I can understand how you were able to fake the battles... but how
} were you able to fake the invasion of Washington, D.C.?"
}
} HDV:  (laughs)  "That was even easier.  We got some senators in on the
} 'gag,' senators up for reelection that needed some positive publicity,
} and we gave it to them."
}
} "Sir, before we switch over to our next guest, my final question is:
} How much did this 'gag' cost the American Taxpayers?"
}
} HDV:  "Three-quarters of a trillion dollars; that is, seven hundred
} fifty billion dollars.  Of course, some of that is from the toy
} sales..."
}
} "And there you have it.  The largest fraud in the history of American
} politics, a fraud so large Iran-Contra and Watergate pale into
} insignificance beside it."
}
} "When we come back, from a satellite hookup with the Pentagon, General
} Clayton M. Abernathy, code name 'Hawk,' will discuss the implications
} of these revelations..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cartoon;  not just any cartoon, but one:
} scripted by FLINT DILLE, animated by JEAN CHOPIN, and scored by HAIM
} SABAN.  Also an excuse for "Transformers Generation 2" and the DIC
} version of "G.I. Joe."


556-03    (3ejc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Act I, Scene 1.
>
> [The stage is dark, lit only by the lurid red of an EXIT sign upstage
> right.  After a minute, a door opens stage left, and a thin man in a
> jogging suit enters carrying a battered folding chair.  He walks down
> center, unfolds the chair and sits facing the audience.]
>
> Jogger: My mother hated me.
>
> [Several minutes pass.  A tall, willowly woman with very long, black
> hair stands up in the center front row of the audience.]
>
> Janet: Your mother hated you?  We paid $40 to get into this lousy play,
>        and all you can say is that your mother hated you?!  This you
>        call drama?
>
> Jogger: What could be more dramatic than a boy hated by his own mother?
>         Denied even the simple comfort of maternal love!
>
> Janet: That's not drama, that's soap opera.  I could get as much for
>        free on the ten o'clock news hearing about Woody and Mia.
>
> Jogger: Ha!  You think reality can compare to the theater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  At last, a supplicant with a REAL question.  You want me to
} use my Ph.D. in dramatic arts from Columbia University to analyze
} the foregoing theatrical fragment and interpret it's true
} meaning.  Gladly, oh artistic one.
}
} The "jogger" is a postmodern representation of the dis-identified
} self.  Like D-FENS, Jogger has no name, no motivation, and he is
} the unpredicated pseudo-self.  He is The Thin Man, homonunculus
} ridiculous, seated on a folding chair rather than the traditional
} "stool" in direct opposition to Freudian constructions of the
} pre-Lacanian Oedipal symbolism of the anal stage.  He exists only
} in that his space is defined by the mother, or, rather, the
} (m)Other, or not-mother.  The heckler in the audience represents
} all women who are, and yet are not, (m)Other.  The heckler
} defines him, and at the same time she ingests him.  He and the
} heckler become one, just as he and the (m)Other are joined as he
} sits on that which is not a stool.  The references to "Woody and
} Mia" are both reflexive and recursive.  They serve to rivet the
} action in the postmodern present and yet define it outside of
} time and society itself.  Hence "Woody and Mia" become a
} pseudo-psychological shorthand for the desire to kill the mother
} and marry the father, sell the story to the highest bidder, and
} move to postmodern Paris, where one can live out one's last days
} in a sort of reverse-Oedipal paradise, suckling at the breast of
} culture and eating the meat of the self.
}
} You owe the Oracle an English-Criticalese translator, and your
} GPA.


556-04    (3fkc4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most wise and fabled, tell me why microsoft will write
> documentation that is blatantly wrong (not just once but in THREE
> places) and then say "hmmm...best we can figure....".  please tell me
> why one of my gods of software have forsaken me. have i not sacraficed
> my daily user?  have i not burned enough wordperfect manuals ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Foolish Mortal,
}
}       I will answer by way of a fable.  Once, a long time ago (as
} computers go these days...) there was a humble devoted servant of the
} almighty deity D'allah.  This servant, who we will call Bill, crawled
} out from under a rock and realized that the Big Blue Giant was
} searching for a soul.  While the Big Blue Giant had a brain, and
} memory, and all the usual Giant accompaniments, he had no soul to
} speak of.  (He did have drive, though.  Two of them, in fact.)
}       So humble, devoted Bill talked soothingly to the Giant, and in
} return for the Giant not eating him, among other things, Bill agreed to
} create a soul for the Big Blue Giant.  When the Giant's soul was
} finished, Bill looked at it and said:  "Dumb Old Sucker," and quickly
} forced it upon the Giant.
}       The Giant, fooled into beleiving that the new soul was better
} than the old one that he had actually had since Creation, even though
} it was a shallow copy with a mere improvement or two, began to romp
} around the countryside telling all his brothers and sisters to get the
} new soul.
}       Humble, devoted Bill asked each and every Giant (even though
} some were downright small) for a small token in return for a new soul,
} and soon, he was rolling in it.  He had never been closer to D'allah.
}       A time came, however, when the Big Blue Giant looked at Bill
} and said, in what was to be a remarkably prophetic statement,
} especially for a Giant: "You stink, Bill."  The other giants merely
} scoffed the Big Blue Giant, saying that Bill's souls were the Best.
}       In a few years, Bill had amassed a great number of tokens,
} and, seeing that the Giants were all revelling in his retread souls
} (which he would update every so often, for a price), he decided to
} augment his already lucrative services.  In addition to tired old
} souls, he began foisting off quickly and poorly conceived additions.
} These he gave sharp, small names, like Access, so that the Giants
} could all remember them.
}       However, in his hurry to become close to D'allah, he neglected
} to be sure that they would not compete with each other.  So quickly
} hashed together were Bill's new things that Bill did not have time to
} even read the descriptions his minions, now doing all the work for
} none of the reward, had written to allow the Giants, who should have
} known better, to use the extra things.  The results were catastrophic.
} The Giants soon were unable to talk to each other, since the options
} they had gotten from Bill varied so much from Giant to Giant, let
} alone from version to version, and the Giants all found themselves
} slow and fat from the demands of the new things from Bill.
}       To make a long, boring fable short and boring, Bill was turned
} upon by the Giants, who demanded that he withdraw all his souls and
} additions that caused great strife and bickering between them, and
} went around the corner to a man called The Wizard, where the same
} thing happened all over again, without the Giants even questioning
} it.
}
}       MORAL:  If you're going to screw the Giants (even the little
} ones) be sure you have a monopoly.
}
}       Thus, foolish mortal, you can see that you are just one User
} in a vast sea of Users who, tired of chewing on Microsoft fatware that
} is too big, too slow, incompatible and poorly documented, needs to go
} off the see the Wizard.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a working version of LAN Manager 2.1.


556-05    (3bedd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include<prolific_grovel.h>
>
> // The following code segment poses a philosophical question to the
> // Usenet Oracle.  Expect a response in a day or so.
>
> question = (2*b || !(2*b));
> whether = (mind->tis_nobler) * 2 *
>           suffer(outrageous_fortune.slings, outrageous_fortune.arrows)
>           take(arms) - troubles[sea] && opposing(end(them));

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} kill -9 Polonius Ophelia Gertrude Claudius Laertes Hamlet Rosenkrantz \
} Guildenstern
}
} You owe the Oracle a happy ending.


556-06    (djd72 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mystic oracle,
>
> Can more than one magus do it at a time?
> Does it take a season all by itself?
> Does the aura get depleted?
> Is it considered as a lab activity?
> Am I asking too many questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Can more than one magus do it at a time?
}  A. Does Ronald Reagan have a neck
}  B. Can Dan Quale spell
}  C. Will the Democrats stay in the White House for 4 more years
}  D. Do pigs fly
}  E. All of the above
}
}  Does it take a season all by itself?
}  A. Do NKOTB make you want to barf
}  B. Do NKOTB actually make you barf
}  C. DO NKOTB make you want to barf on them
}  D. Would you rather listen to yourself barf than to the new NKOTB
}     album
}  E. All of the above
}
}  Does the aura get depleted?
}  A. Can making love to 220lbs woman from Arkansas be considerd fun
}  B. Can making love to two 220lbs women from Arkansas be considerd fun
}  C. Can making love to a German Shepard be considerd fun
}  D. Can watching a German Shepard make love to two 220lbs Arkansas
}     women be considered fun
}  E. Is an obsession with overweight Arkansas woman and German Shepards
}     enaged in sex outside the confines of a monogamous long-term
}     relationship healthy
}  F. All of the above
}
}  Am I asking too many questions?
}  A. Does the stuff on your hand after a decent sneeze make you sick
}  B. Is picking in your ear and/or nose and then looking at you finger
}     disgusting
}  C. Does a dog lick its private parts
}  D. Do you wish you could lick yor private parts
}  E. All of the above
}
}  Give your self 1 point for each time you answered A. 2 points for a
}  B answer, 3 for a C, 4 for D, and 10 for a answer of E.
}
}  If your score is :
}
}  0                  : You are most probably dead
}  Between 0 and 1000 : 1. You are a deranged lunatic OR
}                       2. You are a politician OR
}                       3. You have your own weekly talk show on CBS
}  1000 and above     : You are a candidate for Financial Advisor to
}                       Donald Trump


556-07    (3el97 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O timeless Oracle, O everlasting through the tumble of the centuries
> what were you when you weren't what you are,
> and what will you be when you're not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O numbingly skeptical supplicant,
}
} Why would you ask what I was when I wasn't what I am and what I would
} be if I would not be, if I am timeless?  What am I that I would be
} what I wasn't if I weren't what I am and how would I have been what
} I was before I had been what I am if I am what I was when I wasn't?
}
} The answer to these questions are simple:
}
} 1) You are just trying to confuse me, and
} 2) I'm just pretending to be me.
}
} The answer to your questions are equally simple:
}
} 1) A supplicant, just like you, trying to confuse me (but just the
}    imaginary me.)
} 2) Sorry I ever answered this question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good brainwash and wax.


556-08    (bcdd5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm going to be here for about two more weeks, but I can't figure out
> what to do, who to fuck, where to pee, what to eat, or how to get this
> little teddy bear off my neck.  Can you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd better sober up for exam week, buster.


556-09    (1cof2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose divine afflatus pervades the firmament with
> evanescently effervescent effulgence,
>
> I have a problem with the name of the eighth planet.
> Is it pronounced "urinous", or "your anus"?
>
> Oh, and by the way, what do all those big words in my Grovel mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O inconsequential supplicant, whose ineffaceable banality is akin to
} a conflagrant rectal sphincter.  Thank you for those words regarding
} my omnipresence.
}
} The eighth planet (of Sol) was originally named by is discoverer,
} Claudius Hugo Horshieser Weinkelstein (1497-1532), as is the tradition
} in astronomy.  He naturally named it after himself: planet
} Weinkelstein. Upon his discovery, he bragged and gloated how forever
} forth this planet, so close to Earth, would be named after himself.
} Unfortunately, Claudius was not well liked by his jealous peers.
}
} A gala event was held to announce the discovery.  Weinkelstein would
} publically announce the name of his planet.  Upon his entry to the ball
} room where the event was being held, he fell to his death down a rather
} long stariway.  (It is largely believed that he was pushed.  Since no
} one really liked him anyway, no investigation was launched.)
}
} Since Weinkelstein was dead and the planet had not yet been named,
} chaos insued.  A committee of reknown astronomers was formed to name
} the new planet.  The settled on the name Uranus, pronounced "Your
} anus", which means asshole in latin.  This name was chosen because all
} members of the committee agreed that Weinkelstein was one and that the
} common Weinkelstein was one.
}
} You owe the Oracle the story of why the nineth planet is named after
} a cartoon character.


556-10    (28kk4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose table I am not worthy enough to varnish,
>
> Today I put a fan heater in the air contitioned machine room to see
> what would happen. Which do you think will win, the A/C or the heater ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Out of the smoking rubble he climbs, shaking his head dazedly. Around
} him lies the remains of what was once a machine room. Here and there,
} lie the pieces of a fatally wounded VAX or SparcStation II.
}
} Beside him the bricks move, as that mythical being, the System
} Supervisor, ghost-who-types, pulls himself out.
}
} "What happened ?" he asks.
}
} The System Supervisor turns. Without his machines, his power is
} stripped, he is revealed as ... a human being. Dully, he answers.
}
} "The A/C unit went nova. Should be over Iceland at this moment."
}
} "Any idea why ?"
}
} "Well ... there was a massive surge of power just before it exploded.
} Probably tried to compensate for too much heat. Must have been a faulty
} thermostat somewhere ..."
}
} Let your mind's eye become a camera, let it pan out from this miserable
} pair. Let it pan out, and smoothly travel across this scene of
} devastation. Let it reveal the battered shell of an old fan heater.
}
} Some things cannot be shown by a camera. Some important things. But
} never mind, surely a fan heater could not exude ... smugness ?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cray II and a freezer.


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