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Internet Oracularities #557

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557, 557-01, 557-02, 557-03, 557-04, 557-05, 557-06, 557-07, 557-08, 557-09, 557-10


Usenet Oracularities #557    (51 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1993 23:42:56 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   557
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

557   51 votes jn531 ajh41 2hhd2 cmd40 27lab 4djb4 18lh4 39eg9 45ffc 28pc4
557   2.9 mean  1.9   2.4   2.9   2.2   3.4   3.0   3.3   3.4   3.5   3.2


557-01    (jn531 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What message can I have my .login file put on my screen to dissuade me
> from reading USENET groups when I ought to be working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Automated Retroactive Minimal Moderation -- hit n to skip ]


557-02    (ajh41 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle!
>
> Who is Kibo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 8:1 And KIBO asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I am?
}
} 8:2 And they said, Some say that thou art Bill Gates; some, Elvis,
}     others, Jesus or BoB or one of that crowd.
}
} 8:3 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?
}
} 8:4 And James Parry answered and said, Thou art Kibo, son of the living
}     Barney the Dinosaur.


557-03    (2hhd2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle of everlasting knowledge, I beg thee for
> enlightment on a simple matter connected to my material world.
>
> Did John Lennon have life insurance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, John Lennon believed that all you need is love,
} love is all you need,
} love is all you need,
} love is all you need,
} love is all you need,
} love is all you need,
} love is all you need.
}
} You owe the Oracle some love.


557-04    (cmd40 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, most wise, most wonderful, most knowledgeable,
>
> I represent a group of manufacturing interests in seeking Your Advice
> regarding the possible registration of several of our new products as
>         "Politically Correct (tm)".
>
> Without going into details at this stage, we feel that our products
> will uphold and further enhance the reputation carried by the
> trade-mark in the marketplace, and so we feel confident of acceptance
> into the Registry.
>
> Having contacted the relevant Government authority, they gave us this
> address:
>         Registry Office,
>         Generic Trademarks Inc.,
>         oracle@cs.indiana.edu
>
> which, unless we are sadly mistaken, must be one of Your Wholly-Owned
> Subsidiaries. Would You then be in a position to send me the details
> of the registration fees for the abovementioned trade-mark and any
> other trade-marks Your Subsidiary may hold?
>
> Genuflecting, in advance,
>
> Nam Tekram
> Marketing Director
> Relevant Products For the Nineties Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. TEKRAM        ,
}
} Thank you for considering applying for registry with Generic
} Trademarks.  Our service will provide you with the necessary
} authorization to claim total Political Correctness(tm) on your
} products, once they have passed review.
}
} Your company, RELEVANT PRODUCTS FOR THE NIN, is exactly the kind of
} company that Generic Trademarks seeks to further the cause of political
} correctness. In fact, once we have had a chance to review your UNNAMED
} product, we are certain that we will be extending you this
} Political Correctness(tm) certification with little modification
} required.
}
} When you are ready for review, please contact our Review Department to
} set up a schedule.  Again, thank you for considering our service for
} verifying your Political Correctness(tm).
}
} Sincerely,
}
} O. Racle
} Generic Trademarks
} University of Indiana


557-05    (27lab dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will the answer to this question be in the negative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe.


557-06    (4djb4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   I just received an answer to a question, and I wanted to let
> you know that I am very dissatisfied.  I don't know if this
> jibberish was produced by a pathetic attempt at an automated
> question answerer, or by a particularly illiterate priest, but
> either way, you need to change the way things are run over
> there.  I've enclosed the question and answer, so that you can
> judge for yourself.
>                         Your Faithful (but disgruntled) Servant,
>                                                - Edgar
> -------------------------------------------
> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Dear Oracle,
> >
> >   I dropped a really important paper down a sewer drain
> > in the street, and I really need to get it back.  It's not there
> > anymore, because it was raining at the time, and there was
> > a pretty good flow of water going down there.  Could you
> > tell me where it is and how I would go about getting it back?
> >
> >   Thanks very much.
> >                                     Your faithful servant,
> >                                     Edgar
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Dear Edgar,
> }
> } Regarding the paper you dropped, I dot think it were that important.
> }
> } As you probably know, I, The OmniOmnious Oracle, knows everything.
> } Terefore I knows that the paper you dropped were a contract to buy
> } an Immensely Big Machine-maker.  And I also knows that it is loosing
> } millions by the day, and your transactoin with that firm would have
> } been a disaster.
> }
> } If you still wants your paper back, I recommend looking in the Water,
> } because you lost the paper into Water, you shall find the paper in
> } Water.
> }
> } There are certain rituals you could go through to gain your paper
> } back:
> }
> }     1.      Buy a green apple, and spit in 13 equally big parts.
> }     2.      Say Mumbo-Jumbo-Toilet-Paper-And-Carrots-In-The-Dark
> }     3.      Get hold of DOS 1.1 and install it on the nearest PC.
> }     4.      Install the same DOS 1.1 on a VAX 7000 minicomputer
> }     5.      Move a terminal to the VAX you just installed DOS on
> }             and the PC with DOS 1.1 on close together.
> }     6.      Run X-Windows on both computers while saying this spell:
> }                      I Will Never Eat dogs anymore
> }                      I Will Give The Oracle Half Of what I own
> }                           If the Oracle Ask me to do So
> }                      PC's and WAXes are Equal
> }                      It Always Rains in Sahara
> }                      And I'm all Moronity of the World In Person
> }     7.      Put ten silver forks in the back of an African Zebra
> }             while ridong on a black Leopard
> }
> } This should work.  (It may not behave exactly as it is planned, as it
> }                     is version 1.0)
> }
> } You owe the Oracle prof of purchase of recycling equipment to all the
> } public sewer installations of the world.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, faithful servant, for bringing this matter to my attention.
} Since I do know all, it was, strictly speaking, unnecessary, but
} welcome nonetheless.
}
} Our automated question answerers in the past have indeed been less than
} life-like, but the preisthood have improved matters considerably, and
} now even I have a hard time telling if it is Oracle, or just Memorex.
} ("Memorex is a registered trademark of the 3M Corporation.")
} Naturally, of course, this response is being personally written by me,
} since you are one of my most faithful servants.
}
} Rest assured that the priest responsible for programming the automated
} question answerer that composed the reposnse to your last question has
} been stoned.  Stoned to his soul.  Stoned me like a jelly roll.  And it
} stoned me.  Oh the water, oh the water, oh the water!  Hope it don't
} rain all day. And it stoned me to my soul


557-07    (18lh4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me:
>
> How many sides has a paragon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant, humble seeker of knowledge, the answer is quite obvious!
} If an octagon has eight sides, and a pentagon has five sides, and in
} general, a polygon has multiple sides, then a paragon obviously has
} a pair of sides.  Two.  Therefore, since no shape can have but two
} sides, the word paragon has come to mean an unnattainable height of
} achievement or virtue, originally from the ancient and now lost saying
} "as rare as a paragon."
} You owe me an argon, a shape which once had sides, but now they are...
} oh forget it and just BEGONE!!!


557-08    (39eg9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose table I am not worthy enough to varnish,
>
> Given that it is impossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, is
> it possible to make a sow's ear out of silk purse, if so, how ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Getting desperate, aren't we, Van Gogh?


557-09    (45ffc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Orrie, who's name, although remarkably similar to the most
> exquisitie cookie in the universe, actually does not resemble a
> cream-filled chocolate-sandwich biscuit in the slightest...
>
> How much can-can could a cairn can-can if a cairn can/could can-can?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y'all may wonder just what happens when people send in questions like
} this.  In this case, the supplicant received the following response:
}
} } Your question is meaningless, and as such, has no useful answer.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle the entrails of a ram.  Pay up or I will inflict
} } countless phobias upon you.
}
} Said supplicant ignored this demand, and is currently suffering
} following conditions:
}
} Aerophobia: fear of air.  Supplicant broke into a pet store and stuck
} his head into the lionfish tank, receiving numerous stings.
}
} Bufophobia: fear of toads.  Not a big problem in most places, but the
} supplicant lives in Queensland...
}
} Dvorakophobia: fear of unusual keyboards.  Hasn't come up yet.
}
} Hispanophaegiphobia: fear of eating Mexican food.  Supplicant is
} currently standing across from the local Taco Bell and passing out
} leaflets with titles like "Refried Beans: the Truth" and "Jesus Never
} Ate a Tamale."
}
} Influoresophobia: fear of flowers.  Supplicant napalmed a funeral and
} was arrested for arson.
}
} Inspirophobia: fear of inhaling.  Bill Clinton is the most famous
} example of this condition.  Actually, he's still a little twitchy
} about Flowers, too.
}
} Neotrekophobia: fear of Star Trek: the Next Generation.
}
} Neoneotrekophobia: fear of Deep Space Nine.
}
} Parrishophobia: fear of warm bucolic paintings.  Went wild at the
} local mall and slashed sixteen velvet paintings of seascapes.
}
} Wacophobia: fear of CNN coverage of the Branch Davidian situation.
} Kicked in his TV set.


557-10    (28pc4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerfull one,  I bow down to you to ask that you grant me
> the answer to my humble question.    What is the air speed of an
> unlaided snail
> ?
>
> [ .signature from a biological laboratory deleted -ed ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're the dang biologist around here-- I'm incarnating through a
} system administrator who hasn't seen a living animal in six weeks.  Go
} do the Scientific Method thing, and next time remember to delete your
} .signature.
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax on ttyp3 at 14:36 ...
} You weren't considering flaming this fellow and not answering his
} question, were you?  Y'know, I was thinking that an AI like you could
} be very useful to a shop that uses SNA.  What do you think?
} EOF
}
} <SNA?  Yipe!>
}
} Er... unladen, you mean?  Well, let me check...
}
} <BAMF!> Boy, what a view!  It's been a while since I've been to the
} Empire State building.  I'll just wait for the guard to look away...
} sorry, my molluscular friend, but science is science... Geronimo!
}
} Hmn... 9.81 meters per second per second... flattening out... looks
} like terminal velocity... Hey, I got a BMW!
}
} The answer to your question is about 835.12 kilometers per hour.  You
} owe the Oracle a banana slug cannon.


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