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Internet Oracularities #558

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558, 558-01, 558-02, 558-03, 558-04, 558-05, 558-06, 558-07, 558-08, 558-09, 558-10


Usenet Oracularities #558    (52 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1993 08:06:53 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   558
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

558   52 votes 2b6if 9rb41 5hg95 4jo50 79id5 2ilb0 5ahh3 99m75 6cjd2 05dmc
558   3.0 mean  3.6   2.2   2.8   2.6   3.0   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.8


558-01    (2b6if dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle omniscient!
> O Oracle omnipresent!
> O Oracle omnibenevolent!
> O Oracle "Omni" subscriber!
>
> It is You who Enlighten us!
> It is You who are always With us!
> It is You who are always Nice to us, except when we Really Deserve It!
> It is you who gets to hang out with Lisa!
>
> You can understand a Question in any language!
> You can withstand the onslaught of W*******k Questions and stay Sane!
> You can zot supplicants at a whim, and not have to feel guilty about it!
> You can make a rock so big you can't lift it, but know better!
>
> You make Thor look like a 98 pound weakling!
> You make Einstein look like a kindergartener!
> You make Freud look like a Oedipal lunatic!
> You make Michaelangelo look like a white-belt!
>
> Sorry to take up your time, I don't have a question. I just
> thought you could use some good grovelling.
>
> -A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for the wonderful grovel. My head is so swelled, I broke into
} song.
}
} Oracle: I am the Oracle of the net.
}         I know everything, you bet!
}         Whose praises all the netlings sing,
}         With grovels all the net doth ring.
}
}         And Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet!
}
} Chorus: Yes, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet!
}
} Oracle: When at Olympus I abide,
}         My head doth swell with pride.
}         I snap my fingers at the Woodchuck lot,
}         And give each supplicant a Zot!
}
}         'Cause Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet!
}
} Chorus: Wow, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet.
}
} Oracle: But, when Thor's horn doth blow,
}         I generally go below,
}         To see what a mess my sayings bring,
}         And deny that I ever said anything,
}
}         Still, Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet!
}
} Chorus: And, Lisa is his goddess, yes his priestess and his goddess -
}              and his pet!!
}
} Chorus: For he is Olympian!
}
} Oracle: Yes I myself have said it,
}         And it's greatly to my credit,
}         That I am Olympian.
}
} Chorus: Yes, he is Olympian.
}
} Lisa:   For he might have lived in Taj Mahal,
}         Or resided in old Valhalla,
}         Or perhaps a Druid's grove.
}
} Chorus: Yes, perhaps a Druid's grove!
}
} Oracle: But in spite of all temptation,
}         To dominate other nations,
}         I remain Olympian!
}
} Chorus: He remains Olym-m-m-m-pian!
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oscar for best song.


558-02    (9rb41 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh marvelous Oracle of unlimited beauty and perception, how can
> I karak my shigwabner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant, how doest thou swage me,
} Let me count the walp.
} Odun-thee klarts the vest plajue,
} Dua-tee shrooms my blomje!
} Tray the dnar!jbtine cukpeb,
} Quat-te jgwdst hst burg dodnt.
}
} However, thou shouldst never NEVER karak thine shigwabner,
} or I won't let thee hold my hubshif at the next bazoomba.


558-03    (5hg95 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh all seeing super meta hyper oracle!
> Please tell me what will happen to me this evening

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This evening will be one of the most depressing nights of your life. On
} returning home from your place of business you will find the house
} empty. The kitchen sink will be overflowing with cockroaches, and the
} neighbour's dog will somehow have got in and raided your fridge,
} leaving only the pumpkin. A sudden storm will reveal new holes in your
} roof. A fly-by by a showoff F-18 pilot will break all your windows. At
} 8.30 pm, after you have just sat down to eat your boiled pumpkin dinner
} (and picked out all the dog hairs) the DEA will raid you. You will be
} forced to lie face down on the floor, where you will find further
} evidence of the neighbour's dog right under your left shoulder.
} Handcuffed, you will be led out into the street, where everyone will
} watch as you are thrown in the back of a police car and taken to the
} station. Even that cute girl from across the street that you want to
} meet comes out to watch. She has a guy with her - must be her
} boyfriend.
} The officer in charge will have a bad case of piles and evil breath -
} he will lock you up in a small cell with 3 drunks and 2 graffiti
} artists, after typing his report at about 3 words per minute. You will
} be hit with rubber hoses, since the cops are really annoyed that you
} didn't have any drugs. You will be unable to sleep, because if you do
} you will not be able to dodge the vomit, or avoid being drawn on. When
} you are released, 3 hours later, your lawyer will tell you that he
} won't help you sue because "they were only doing their job." When you
} arrive home you find that burglars have gotten in through  the broken
} windows and stolen every appliance you own. The dog also came back in
} your absence, and ate the pumpkin. Every credit and MAC card missing,
} you go hungry. Finally, at about 5:30am you get to sleep. At 6:00am a
} truck driver parks outside your house and lets go with the airhorns. At
} 6:10am, local kids steal a car (yours) and perform burnouts and donuts
} outside your window for a couple of hours.
} Then the alarm goes off, and it's back to work again.
}
} The above fate can be avoided. Send $10,000 in unmarked bills to The
} Oracle.


558-04    (4jo50 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Forgive me for disturbing your busy busy schedule, but my weak mind is
> reeling in unknowing perpetuity.  Grant me your good will and answer me
> this question, O Most Knowing and Really Impressive One:
> Why do I keep biting my damn lip in the same place over and over?  Will
> it ever heal?  Will I ever be able to drink Orange Juice again?
>
> O heed my call, and pity my nothingness...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your subconscious mind has caused this phenomenon because of a deep
} rooted feeling of guilt for a past deed for which you are ashamed.  Look
} deep into yourself and confess your guilt to free your subconscious.
} Perhaps you once were unkind to a stranger, or you told half truths to
} your parents.  Maybe you held unpure thoughts about member of the
} opposite sex, or you feel guilty for the self-gratification that you so
} often perform.  (Yes, The Oracle knows all about that one)
}
} Once you have discovered your past deed, sing My Ding-A-Ling 3 times
} while standing naked in a field of corn while holding a jar of fresh
} pickles to purify yourself.
}
} Then, you will heal, and be able to drink orange juice again.
}
} Your nothingness is indeed pitied.  You must throw away those magazines
} under your bed.


558-05    (79id5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O oracle most wise,
> What is this I see before my eyes?
> It looks of silver,
> And of gold,
> Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You nasty boy, I know your kind,
} Release that thing, or you'll go blind.
} Meet a girl and get a date,
} Then you'll know it was not your fate,
} To sit at home and masturbate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a peanut butter and KY-jelly sandwich.


558-06    (2ilb0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is Howard Stern so damn popular in the cs lab?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the lack of a suitable grovel, or any grovel for that matter,
} the Oracle is compelled to answer.  Mostly because Lisa is getting
} ready for a night out and I wasn't invited (sigh).
}
} Howard Stern is very popular across CS labs across the land mostly
} because you CS guys NEED A LIFE.  And Howie (yes, feel free to call him
} "Howie") is popular because he is capable of showing you that there are
} things in life that you won't find by running Debug under DOS.  I mean
} really...  You've probably figured out that pizza is pretty good and
} you may have even heard of Led Zeppelin.  But, if I catch one more of
} you urinating in a cup and stuffing it in a desk drawer because you're
} too busy to savor life, I swear I'll ZOT the whole lot of you.  Howard
} Stern HAS a life.  Not one I'd want, but that is beside the point.
} Take a quick survey.  Has anyone in your CS lab seen the sun lately?
} Or even the moon?  Incandescent lighting?
}
} In a rare fit of compassion, The Oracale authorizes you to actually
} take 40 hours of the 1,000 that you have accumulated in vacation time.
}
} In return, you owe the Oracle a topo map of Yellowstone and a 300 word
} essay on what all those squiggly lines mean.


558-07    (5ahh3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Majestic and Glorious Oracle, please help me in my pitiful need.
>
> Every night for the last week I've been plagued by a recurring dream.
> Slowly I drift off to sleep, then sometime during the night the
> dream begins.
>
> "Honey," she says softly breathing in my ear, "Orrie dear, get up.
> Its Lisa. I need you."
>
> "Huh?" I answer sleepily. "OUCH! Hey, watch what you're doing with
> that spatula!"
>
> Lisa giggles monstrously. "Hurry dear, hurry, hurry, hurry! Run
> pumpkin run!"
>
> I find myself running with abandon round and round the bedroom with
> Lisa chasing, teasing, and giggling behind, swiping at me with sharp
> cat claws.
>
> "Do as I do, do as I do, do as I do." She shouts rapidly.
>
> "Oh my God!" I shout as she contorts herself lasciviously in ways no
> human body should. Mercilessly compelled to follow I am twisted
> accordingly.
>
> "Quick, get the lipstick and Vaseline. Get it, get it, get it my
> sweet baby." Lisa swoons, groaning and rolling on the floor, her eyes
> jealously watching my every move. "Take the lipstick, there you are
> tiger, do the lipstick baby, do it, do it, do it...Ohhhhhhh. No, on
> the mirror dear. Do it on the mirror. The MIRROR!"
>
> "That's disgusting!" I shout. I run from the room in terror, and am
> chased out of the house and through the neighborhood by vicious hounds
> with gruesome, twisted, blood-red faces of Lisa snapping at my feet.
>
> I awaken in a sweat, horrified, my bed in a shambles. Help me Oracle.
> What must I do to free myself of this recurring nightmare.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please deposit $5.99 for the first minute, and $2.00
} for each additional minute ...


558-08    (99m75 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All mighty Oracle, whose code always compiles without any bugs, and
> who's programs are always fully optimized, please help you humble
> supplicant.
>
> I am working on a program, and have run into trouble. I am attempting
> to port X Windows to a Turing machine, but my code won't compile. Can
> you tell me the proper technique for coding Turing machines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 100110110100010010111001101111010111010110100110101111


558-09    (6cjd2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Up against the wall, Orrie! It's the Revolution at long last!
>
> You're part of the problem, not part of the solution, and from now
> on I'm giving you the answers!
>
> The answer to your multi-part question is:
>
> a.    Lisa
>
> b.    cumquats
>
> c.    3,975,420,001,895,563.98
>
> Now, You owe ME ( for a change ) a subway series.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, scum-sucking simian miscreant, the Oracle does not give in to
} such idle threats.  Who do you think you are that you can ask such
} things? What kind of woman would it take to get me to give in?  What
} kinds of fruits would she have to be bearing?  How many?  Obviously you
} have no idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle some subservience while I revel in smug
} self-satisfaction.


558-10    (05dmc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lord of wisdom, magnificent and all-supreme Oracle, I have a question:
>
> Really quit (y/n)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y
} Are you completely sure (y/n)?
} y
} 100% certain you're not just kidding (y/n)?
} y
} Are you prepared to sign a legaly binding statement to that
} effect (y/n)?
} y
} In your own blood (y/n)?
} y
} And in triplicate (y/n)?
} y
} What's the matter, this program not good enough for you (y/n)?
} n
} Ah, so now it all comes out!  You think you can just waltz in,
} use my code and just walk right out again without so much as
} an explanation (y/n)?
} y
} Hmmph!  You're not worth my time anyway.  Good ridance!
}
} CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING THE COMPUTER-AIDED SELF ASSERTION
} AND DECISION MAKING COURSE.


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