[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:54:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #559

Goto:
559, 559-01, 559-02, 559-03, 559-04, 559-05, 559-06, 559-07, 559-08, 559-09, 559-10


Usenet Oracularities #559    (57 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1993 18:09:50 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   559
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

559   57 votes 6tg51 1ere1 8ihc2 07ima 1dqc5 9ph42 4did9 08nga 19qh4 09kl7
559   3.1 mean  2.4   3.0   2.7   3.6   3.1   2.4   3.2   3.5   3.2   3.5


559-01    (6tg51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Master of Knowledge, lord of wisdom, Oh Oracle great, please answer
> quickly!
>
> Which wire do I cut, the red one, the black one, or this yellow one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't matter which one you cut, your dryer is out of control.
}
} Call the National Guard instead.
}
} Amateurs.


559-02    (1ere1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the filesystem full?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask why the filesystem is full. To find the answer, it is necessary
} to examine what is on all of the disks on your system.
}
} File Type                Size
} -------------------------------
} System                   200Mb
} Swap                     100Mb
} NetNews                  450Mb
} Mail                      30Mb
} GIFs/JPGs                350Mb
} Games                    100Mb
} Applications             169.9Mb
} Work                     100 Kb
}                     -------------
} Total                   1.4 Gb
} Filesystem size         1.4 Gb
}                     -------------
} Space remaining          0 bytes
}
} From this, it is obvious that what is clogging your file system
} is work. Remove all work-related files from your system and you
} will have plenty of space.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10 Gb disk array


559-03    (8ihc2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O'Omnisuperfantaenormous Hyper-Knowledge-owning Oracle, I have but
> one humble question:
>
> If something oral comes from the mouth,
> and something anal comes from the anus,
> and you're the oracle,
> is the anacle then your sister?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha Ha Ha.  The Oracle has not laughed so hard in centuries.
}
} Foolish supplicant, Trix are for kids.
}
} WHOOPS, sorry, went away there for a moment.
}
} Foolish supplicant,  the Anacle is actually the ancient god
} Uranus.
}
} You owe me a Klingon battle cruiser.


559-04    (07ima dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When do we have to evacuate Earth?***

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean you're still there?


559-05    (1dqc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me about Spam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In 1942, the U.S. government asked Hormel to develop a meat
} product that G.I.'s on the front lines could eat, but Hormel
} invented SPAM.  Shocked by the number of soldiers who survived
} and returned to civilian life, Hormel began selling SPAM
} domestically in 1946.
}
} SPAM is very versatile.  You can grill a SPAM slice and a cheese
} slice on a wheat bread slice to make a delicious meal, or you
} can put SPAM chunks on crackers to make horse d'ouvres.
}
} Few people know this, but SPAM is actually an acronym for Meat
} that has been Diced Enough that You Can't Tell Where it Came
} From so that You Don't Mind Eating It.  I bet you didn't know
} that!
}
} In recent years, Hormel has added many new SPAM products to
} accompany "Classic SPAM:"
}
}     SPAM Spread: Ground up (again) SPAM that makes an
}     excellent spackle.
}
}     SPAM Lite and Low-Salt SPAM: For people who watch their
}     health but still want to eat enough phosphates that they
}     glow in the dark.
}
}     Cherry SPAM: Instead of that gross clear gelatin, this SPAM
}     is packaged in Cherry JELL-O.  Yum yum!
}
} So eat all the SPAM you can!  I won't mind one less supplicant!
}
} ................................................................
} SPAM is a trademark of Hormel Meats.  JELL-O is a trademark of
} Bill Cosby.


559-06    (9ph42 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you feet smell
> If so how much!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  It is most difficult to quantify olfactant stimuli, but the Oracle
}  will attempt to put it into terms that your fetishistic mind will be
}  able to comprehend.  First of all, "smell" is a pejorative term, you
}  need to be open to the possibility that some people may enjoy the
}  tantalizing aroma of fresh feet; for some the sight of someone walking
}  around without shoes, in their socks, is tantamount to seeing them in
}  their birthday suit.  For others the thought of taking off someones
}  shoes and caressing their toes is nothing less than orgasmic a
}  veritable foot frenzy....Yes the Oracles feet smell-so much in fact
}  that you would not be able to even begin to comprehend.  You owe the
}  Oracle a weeks supply of dirty socks and a chance to lick between your
}  shapely toes! Signed - a happy footlocker employee.


559-07    (4did9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, the master of knowledge and wisdom, answer me this:
>
> The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Out came the
> spider and wiped the planet out. Two days later, life began again,
> when Captain Kirk used the genesis device, to power setting 10.
> (Then came the Borg, and assimilated them.)
>
> Did the woodchucks survive, or are Borg now busilly visiting
> planets with lots of forest land, eagerly chucking wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bit of wisdom.  Jack asked
} a woodchuck question, and Jill was killed, and the Oracle said, "Rats!
} Missed him."
} (So he had to answer a silly question instead.)
}
} In fact, the universe was blessed three times in rapid succession.
} First, the woodchucks were assimilated, and nobody asked about them
} again.  Next, all of the Post Grape Nuts (tm) were assimilated, so
} nobody ate them again.  Finally, the Borg shut down completely trying
} to figure out what in hell Post Grape Nuts (tm) were.
}
} Of course, we knew something like that was destined to happen as soon
} as we saw the premeire episode of "Deep Space 9:"
}
} Cisco:  But the nutty goodness is exactly what makes it so wholesome.
}
} Glowing Voice of the Wormhole:  This is not cereal!
}
} A tear-stained Cisco:  No, it is not cereal.
}
} You owe the Oracle Captain Kirk with Crunchberries.


559-08    (08nga dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have great problems understanding why I keep asking the Oracle
> questions. Please tell me.***

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, dear supplicant, in order for us to understand your motivation,
} we will have to review the questions that you have asked over the
} years.  However, since your foolish questions are not worthy of
} reprint, we will only review the answers that I have given you in the
} past.  Also, I like Jeapordy.
}
} #Qa00001  (Aug, 1989)
} You unworthy fool!  Here I am, offering MY valuable time to answer
} questions, and the first one I get is trivial! Do not invoke my wrath
} again with such nonsense.  By the way, it's the second door on the
} right.
}
} #Qa00002  (Aug, 1989)
} Sigh.  There should be some extra rolls under the sink.
}
} #Qa00067  (Sep, 1989)
} Channel 5, at 6:30.  Could you do me the favor of at least making an
} _attempt_ to ask questions of a more cosmic scale.
}
} #Qa01123  (Jan, 1990)
} It means- to do more than is required, ordered or expected.  It's from
} the latin supererogare (to spend more).  It is what you're _not_ doing
} with your groveling, I might add.
}
} #Qa05514  (Nov, 1990)
} That really isn't any of your business, you know.  Let's just say that
} Lisa is, well, enthusiastic.  Very enthusiastic.
}
} #Qa09632  (May, 1991)
} Nice grovel!  Unfortunately, it is not possible for me to quantify it,
} because woodchucks _don't_ chuck wood.
}
} #Qa14523  (Dec, 1991)
} My guess is that she's really sick and tired of getting baskets of
} fruit, particularly since she had the last of her teeth extracted 12
} years ago. Why don't you give her a decent pillow this year.  The one
} that they issued her at the home is pretty ratty.  By the way, this is
} the last Christmas you'll be spending together.
}
} #Qa19020  (Apr, 1992)
} How long have you been using a UNIX system?  Presuming you have the C
} Shell, you can try this-
} foreach f ( *.foo )
}     set base=`basename $f .foo`
}     mv $f $base.bar
} end
}
} #Qa19021  (Apr, 1992)
} How on earth did you manage that!  You truly are a woefully inadaquate
} person. Try this-
} rm /server/home/suplicant/data/-i
}
} #Qa21901  (Nov, 1992)
} You can't figure this one out on your own?  I'm afraid that George will
} be taking this one on the chin.  It's nice to be a deity-  at least I
} get some respect.
}
} #Qa24676  (Mar, 1993)
} No, it wasn't named after David Bowie.  It was named after _James_
} Bowie, who was born in 1790, and died in 1836.  He used it primarily
} for hunting. Why do you care?
}
} #Qa25343  (Apr, 1993)
} Simple.  Because I answer them.
}
} By the way, you still owe the Oracle a bidet, your ex-girlfriends phone
} number, a BETA(tm) copy of FLASHDANCE, a woodchuck cage, a simulated
} wood grain tea kettle, a listing of USL's source code, a big box of
} super balls, and a vote cast for me as President.  By the way, I'm
} sending that crate of 8 track tapes back to you, freight collect.  I
} never asked for them, you idiot.


559-09    (19qh4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does horseradish have to do with horses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See page 146.
}
} What does horsepower have to do with horses?
}
} See page 39.
}
} What does horseplay have to do with horses?
}
} See page 103.
}
} What does a horse-and-buggy have to do with a horsefly?
}
} See page 212.
}
} What do hors d'oeuvres have to do with whores?
}
} See page 69.
}
} _Horsetics_, the modern guide to dealing with all those confusing
} horse-like words.  Not just art or advice, _Horsetics_ is the
} definitive work of horsology.  Live in fear no longer.  Live in
} doubt no longer.  Live in the confidence of knowing when, who, how
} and why to deal with any facet of horsology.  _Horsetics_ is
} available now from Oracular bookstores for only $19.95!
}
} You owe the Oracle L. Ron Hubbard's head on a platter.


559-10    (09kl7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am one of your most devoted followers, and always read the
> Oracularities closely. After reading several references to time
> machines, I decided to try to build my own.
>
> I knew from the Oracularities that it should be fueled by peanut
> butter and that it must include a Kludgitron. Whatever that is.
>
> I was stuck for a while until I remembered the Questions about the
> missing socks; then I cobbled something together with an old Hammond
> organ, a jar of peanut butter, some coat hangers,
> and the clothes dryer.
>
> Now I have a time machine, and it works.
> Just one little problem.
>
> I wanted a machine that would let me travel through time, not a
> machine that *makes* time; not even an excellent machine, as I have
> in fact made, that manufactures quality time.
>
> Well, two little problems, actually.
> I can't figure out how to turn it off -- I can't kill time.
> It keeps producing more and more of the stuff, and now I've got
> too much time on my hands; they're wrinkled, with liver spots.
>
> I've filled every jar and jug in the house, and even the bathtub;
> I thought about flushing it, but I don't want to waste time.
>
> Therefore, I must ask you,
>
> O great Oracle, whose timeless eloquence gets me every time,
> what shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've done very well, Supplicant.  The only mistake you made was in
} not installing a svortner rod as a damper, which would allow you to
} pass time more efficiently.  However, given what you've got, I'd
} suggest passing on the extra time to the government; they're always
} claiming that's all they need.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org