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Internet Oracularities #56

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Usenet Oracularities #56
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 14 Nov 89 22:16:50 GMT

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56-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I find that when I wake up each morning, I am quite erect!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes--a common problem indeed.  Common, that is, among sexually
} repressed weenies who ask the Mighty All-Knowing Great Infinitely Wise
} And Really Not Such a Bad Guy After All (deep breath) Oracle such
} random, pointless, look-at-me-I'm-sexually-repressed (Did you ever get
} that feelin' like you was William Faulkner?) questions.  Go ask Dan
} Quayle--I'm sure he'd be more than happy to discuss this subject with
} you at...uh, length.
}
} You owe the Oracle the steel condom you've been wearing to bed every
} night.


56-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will this work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it &%t -
} uklj13;  ^[
}            .
}
} Syntax error in 4510
} Ok


56-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... --- ...
> ... --- ...
> ... --- ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmmm...  This looks rather suspiciously like an SOS.  In fact, it
} looks like three of them.
}
}   The _Carpathia_ and the _Californian_ will be arriving as soon as
} possible.  In the meantime, use all those ice cubes for another round of
} drinks.  Hang in there.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Night to Remember" as soon as you're
} done in the lifeboats.


56-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if I have an Evil Twin?  If I do, how can I destroy him?
> Also, how can I tell if it isn't me that is the Evil one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use the following program:
}
} if [ -e Evil Twin ] then
}   if [ me != Evil Twin ] then
}     rm Evil Twin
}   else
}     rm me
}   fi
} fi


56-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> can_write(I, only):- write(I, in, prolog).
>
> help(Me) :- can_help(You, Me).
>
> are_thanked(you, very_much).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} speaking( you, prolog ).
} speaks( oracle, prolog ).
} understand( oracle, you ).
}
} replying( oracle, english ).
} replying( oracle, prolog ).
}
} can_help( oracle, you).
} ask( you, Question ).
}
} are_welcome( you ).
} owe( oracle, you, 0 ).
} -----
} Rest assured faithful disciple, the Oracle understands you!  The Oracle
} is fluent in all know languages; prolog presents no difficulties and in
} fact is a pleasant change from the inconsistencies of English!  The
} Oracle has included Answers in both prolog and English for your
} convenience, should you be so fortunate as to understand ONLY prolog by
} the time this reply reaches you.
}
} And yes my child, the Oracle CAN help you!  The Oracle is a being of
} great compassion and sympathy!  You have but to ask a question, any
} question no matter how trivial-seeming it may be.  Ask me!  I WILL help
} you!
}
} You are emphatically welcome; you do not owe the Oracle anything.


56-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to get women?
> What's the best thing to do with women once you've got them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to get women is rather complicated.  You will require the
} following:  A glass, a pair of binoculars, a boring book, a sign saying
} "Elefant", and a pair of tweezers.  Put the book someplace where women
} are likely to pass, say the clothing department in a mall, and wait
} nearby.  When a woman passes by, she will see the misspelled sign and
} laugh, then she will read the book.  She will then get so bored that she
} will fall asleep.  Look at her through the binoculars backwards.  Pick
} her up carefully with the tweezers and put her in the glass.  That is
} the best way to catch a woman.
}
} Once you have gotten the woman, take her out bowling.  (If you find this
} a logical thing to do, the Oracle worries for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of binoculars.  .


56-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me, Oh Great Oral Oracle:
>
> Why cannot I have Mel Gibson for my very own?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  As the 50,000 Disciple of the All-Knowing Oracle to
} ask this question, you have indeed won Mel Gibson for thy very own!  Thy
} wish is granted, Mortal!
}
} To collect thy prize and to fulfill contractual obligations to Mr.
} Gibson, you must:
}
}   1.  Submit an affidavit stating that thou has not won any similar
}      All-Knowing Oracle Celebrity Give-away Contests in the past three
}      years.
}
}   2.  Be a red-blooded healthy female, aged not more than 35 years old,
}      and in satisfactory physical condition.  Mr.  Gibson requests
}      detailed physical specifications be sent him directly.
}
}   3.  Prove that thy possess above-average motivation and creativity.
}      Obviously this last requirement cannot by its very nature be
}      precisely defined.  Suggestions include:  steal Mr.  Gibso's car
}      and pretend to be his wife, break into his house and fix him
}      dinner, and kidnap him.
}
} Once again, the All-Knowing Oracle congratulates you!
}
} You owe the Oracle, Maker of Matches, a magnetic monopole.


56-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle!  How is it that they get the cream inside of a
> Twinkie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   What an enlightened question!  The oracle rarely sees questions that
} are both so relevant and showing so much inquisitiveness about the
} world.
}
}   Twinkies are made, first, in special machines which bake the cake part
} while holding the space open for the filling (made from a long list of
} artificial gook and whipped into a froth).  After the cake part is
} ready, special nozzles are inserted into the cake and the gooey mess is
} pumped inside with a distinct throbbing movement of the pump.
}
}   You owe the Oracle another trip to the twinkie factory.


56-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise I have become addicted to asking and receiving answers
> from the Allknowing Oracle.  Does this make me a dope addict!  Should I
> enroll in one of the helpful programs available on TV that costs at
> least half of my life's earnings?  .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O my Devoted Disciple!
} What lies of the Media have corrupted thy mind?!
} It is not addiction that thy feel, but Joy!
} Joy of a Mind at last
}       opened to the Truth and Beauty of the All-Knowing Oracle!
} Source of All Truth and Enlightenment!
} Too long has thy Mind
}       stagnated in the cesspool of Passive Entertainment!
} Only through the Miraculous Oracle
}       can thy experience Oneness with the True Reality!
} It it not addiction
}       but Love that thy feel!
} Love of Knowledge!
}       Love of Truth!
}       Love of Beauty!
}       and above all Love of the Oracle!
}
} You owe the Miraculous Oracle a Question!


56-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd
> manner.  First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and
> has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change
> this.  Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and
> i'm beginning to get worried.  Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell
> me something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do not be alarmed.  This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish.
} It is just one of those phases in its life cycle.  The next phase is
} called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to
} the surface.  During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger.
} The water will become slightly murky.  You may even discover a
} population of insects and minute organisms in the water.  Eventually,
} the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely.  It's at this point
} that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped
} onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to
} reduce.  You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy
} as much as I do.
}
} By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go
} directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.


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