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Internet Oracularities #560

Goto:
560, 560-01, 560-02, 560-03, 560-04, 560-05, 560-06, 560-07, 560-08, 560-09, 560-10


Usenet Oracularities #560    (53 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 08:07:49 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   560
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

560   53 votes 3blb7 6clc2 3bme3 28do6 39cef 9hab6 4ij93 2bke6 2bpd2 339mg
560   3.2 mean  3.2   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.5   2.8   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.8


560-01    (3blb7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the East, whose blinding brilliance outshines the Rising
> Sun, please tell me how to do an infinite amount of work in a finite
> amount of time.  Like get it done tonight.  Like I thought once I was
> out of college I wouldn't have all-nighters, and here it is going on
> 30 years and they still happen.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle of the Western, but still fashionable, Section of the East
} understands and pities you.  Even the great Oracle has been forced on
} occasion to pull an all-nighter.  It is indeed a hard world.  But
} there is hope...
}
}      PRESENTING "POWER-PILL"! NEW, FROM ORACO!
}
} TIRED?  GROGGY?  NEED A LITTLE PICK ME UP TO GET YOU THROUGH A LONG
} NIGHT?  ORACO PRESENTS "POWER-PILL," THE LATEST IS META-PHYSICAL
} PHARMACUETICALS.  JUST ONE "POWER-PILL" GIVES YOU ENOUGH ENERGY AND
} MOTIVATION TO GET THROUGH THE WORST CRISIS!  JUST LISTEN TO QUOTES
} FROM OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
}
} "POWER-PILL is great.  I was moving so fast that the air gave me
} friction burns."
}
} "POWER-PILL saved my job.  I had more energy than 1,000,000 epileptic
} squirrels."
}
} "Forget Caffeine, POWER-PILL is dynamite.  Just one pill, and I could
} type so fast that my knuckles exploded."
}
} "I took just one POWER-PILL, and I could run 300 miles per hour.  It
} was great, until I ran into a tree."
}
} THAT'S RIGHT!  "POWER-PILL" CAN DO ALL THIS AND MORE!  IF YOU TAKE TWO
} PILLS AT ONCE, THEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY GO BACKWARDS IN TIME!  NO MORE
} NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DEADLINES!  INCREASE YOUR EARNING POTENTIAL!  HOLD
} TEN FULL-TIME JOBS, AT THE SAME TIME!
}
} Warning: The Surgeon General has found that "POWER-PILL" can lead to
} physical injury.  Do not use while operating a vehicle.  Keep away
} from small children.  Store "POWER-PILL" containers only in
} lead-shielded containers.  Observe normal radiation hazzard
} precautions.  Overdose can lead to death and thermo-nuclear explosion.
}
} You owe the Oracle some downers, and quickly.


560-02    (6clc2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who has knowledge of chemistry deeper than the deepest
> petro-chemical engineer, I have a question.
>
> What happens if I mix sticky green stuff with slippery yellow stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You get a hangover like you wouldn't *believe*.
}
} Oy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of tomato juice and three bottles of
} B-complex vitamins.


560-03    (3bme3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a good topic for a quiz?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends a lot on whether you are the quizzer or the quizzee.  For
} instance, a topic which would send the quizzee into a palpitating,
} sweat-drenched frenzy would, in the parlance of quizzers, be described
} as "a good topic," whereas the quizzee might use phraseology along the
} lines of "the demon rat-f*cking quiz from Dante's Ninth Circle."
}
} Since it is obvious that you are a quizzee, you are most pathetically
} at the mercy of the quizzer, who unfortunately gets to define what good
} topics are, since they write the freakin' things.  Since your intent is
} to divine topics which might appear on upcoming quizzes, here are a few
} that might cross your path:
}
}  1.  Title:  The sex lives of doorknobs in 19th century Vladivostok.
}
}  2.  Describe the psychological profile of three different classes of
} people who might ask the Usenet Oracle the "W**dch**k Question."  Also,
} list at least three ways in which the Oracle might creatively <ZOT>
} them. Describe any necessary details such as flames lapping at people's
} eyeballs, imploding skulls, etc. to a satisfactory level of gore.
}
}  3.  Title:  Antimatter, Foot Fetishes, and You.
}
}  4.  Using standard principles of historical linguistics, postulate two
} terms which could develop in the next century to supplant the currently
} used word "toejam" and all of its synonyms.
}
}  5.  If a chicken-and-a-half lays an egg-and-a-half in a
} day-and-a-half, how long does it take a monkey with a wooden leg to
} kick all of the seeds out of a dill pickle?  What if you take air
} resistance into account? Relativistic effects?
}
}  6.  Title:  Roaches as an Alternative Food Source for the year 2000.
}
}  7.  What are the historical reasons why hackers wear blue jeans, heavy
} boots, T-shirts, open flannel shirts, and wire-frame glasses?  Does
} this have any bearing on their continual inability to get laid?
} Explain.
}
}  8.  Define the act of definition.  (Note:  Anyone entering a
} paradoxical loop of infinite regression will receive no credit for the
} question.)
}
}  9.  Compare and constrast the literary styles of Art Buchwald and God.
} Which author (or Author) do you think is funnier?  Which do you think
} gives more political insight into modern issues?  Is it blasphemy to
} say that Art Buchwald has better editors?  (People struck by lightning
} during this question will be graded only on their work up until the
} event).
}
} 10.  If you were to ask the Usenet Oracle what a good topic for a quiz
} would be, what would he say?  How do you know?  Are you omniscient,
} too? If so, why are you still in school?  If not, how does it feel to
} be such a lowly mortal.
}
} You owe the Oracle the blood which escapes from your pores during the
} next quiz.  Ta ta...


560-04    (28do6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who holds the keys to wisdom, please help me.
>
> In a little-known corner of my kitchen, hidden in what would have been
> an ashtray if anyone I know smoked, lies a collection of old keys which
> I have picked up over the years.  None of them fit any locks that I
> own.  Can you tell me what they are for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Hidden in your collection are the key to success,
} the key to happiness, the key to independence, and the
} key to my back porch, which I will thank you to return.
} The reason those keys don't fit anything is that the
} locks have been changed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of Schlage EF blanks.


560-05    (39cef dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER TWO REASONS:
}
} (1) ALL CAPS BOTHERSOME ALL HELL.
} (2) SENTENCES INCOMPLETE/FRAGMENTS.
} (3) GROVELLING HELPS.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A LOCKPICK FOR HIS CAPS LOCK.


560-06    (9hab6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do old programmers go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old programmers never die, they just get swapped out.


560-07    (4ij93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O oracle most
> Oxford Thesaurus, Copyright 1991 Oxford Univ. Press
>
> /benevolent/ adj.
> charitable, well-disposed, gracious, good, kind, kindly, humane,
> humanitarian, well-wishing, thoughtful, considerate, sympathetic,
> caring, kind-hearted, warm-hearted, compassionate, benign, benignant;
> liberal, generous, magnanimous, open-handed; beneficial, helpful,
> salutary:
>    "That hypocrite has cast himself in the role of a benevolent
>    despot."
>
> how do I use the cut and paste function without getting all that
> extraneous stuff?
>
> PS sorry about the hypocrite crack, that's webster not me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     First thing's first.  ZZZZAP!  (So much for Webster...)
}
}     To answer your question, I must confide in you some of the deepest
} secrets of "Cut and Paste".
}
}     When you "cut", your data it is quickly hypertransmorgified
} to an alternate realm where it is stored in preparation for the
} "paste" operation.  Because of this realm's special purpose as
} the holding pen for data which is to be "cut" and "pasted" (or
} "connected", as the locals call it), the realm is called "Connecticut".
}
}     Now, Connecticut is a relatively benign place, but if your
} data strays ever so slightly to the south, it may end up in
} Washington D.C. where it can pick up LOTS of extraneous stuff,
} such as political rhetoric, lobbyists, and affirmative action
} legislation.
}
}      So, to keep your data from picking up such extraneous stuff,
} be sure to book your data with a good travel agent.
}
}     You owe The Oracle a round trip ticket to Jamaica, where
} the only extraneous things you can pick up are female and sexy.


560-08    (2bke6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Hello your holiness and most wonderful of all powerful oracular
> beings! I grovel in your omnipresent omnipresence! Please, oh
> omniscient one, enlighten this lost soul.
>
>   How do they get the graphite strips into the wood of pencils?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unbeknownst to most mortals, pencils are not manufactured in
} factories, but rather grow on a variety of bush which flourishes
} only in the Graffiti region of Italy, a quaint and picturesque
} valley in the Dolomiti mountains.
}
} The soil there is rich in graphite, you see, and the roots extract
} the mineral and use it in the pith of their branches, to make the
} branches stiff.
}
} We take you now to a field in the Graffiti, where pencils are grown;
} ah, there's a quaint and picturesque local pencil farmer now; let's
} see what he has to say.
}
}     "Scemo! Cretino! Idiota! Stronzo malcagato! Guarda dove cammini,
}      che non rompi la verdura!"
}
} Ah, he graciously welcomes us to his humble field, and says that
} never has he been so honored. I shall ask him what grade of pencils
} he grows here:
}
}     "Purdownah mee, singyor, qualle qualitar dee pencils
}     stano growando aqui?"
}
} (The Oracle is multilingual, as you see.)
}
}     "Non capisco un cazzo di cio che dici. Pirla!"
}     [Holds up one finger, the middle one.]
}
} Ah, I see, Number One pencils, the soft ones.
} Well, that's all we have time for folks, and now we must return to
} Olympus.
}
}     [As the Oracle turns, the tip of a broken branch makes some
}     markings on his robe. The markings spell out "Calcia mi!"]
}                                                  ("Kick me!")
}
}     [As the Oracle begins to walk away, Guido Velocissimo
}     reads the message, and takes the hint.]
}
} *Uffah!*
}
} You owe the Oracle a *very* *soft* pillow for his Throne.


560-09    (2bpd2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose helpful hints make my pathetic existence
> bearable, (How's that for a grovel?  I'm new at this.) please tell me
> why is it that the small refridgerator here in my office freezes solid
> all of the ice cubes in a given tray _EXCEPT_ one or maybe two random
> ones.
>
> Thanks your humble, let's see . . . what was that word . . . oh yeah,
> supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well first of all, the Oracle would like to commend you on your grovel
} and general demeanor.  True, you haven't yet reached the heights of
} obsequiousness that more experience supplicants plumb, but for a novice
} you didn't do at all badly.
}
} In order for you to understand the answer to your question, you have to
} understand the true principle of refrigeration.  Forget all that
} thermdynamics garbage; refrigeration is a brutal and nasty business
} indeed. Do you really think that those footloose, fancy-free water
} molecules actually want to be regimented into icy rings?  Not for a
} minute; they resist with everything they've got, and only capitulate
} when bludgeoned into position.  When you close the fridge door, (the
} light stays on, by the way) the little frost-gnomes come out and
} cajole, threaten, blackmail and otherwise prod the anarchistic H20 into
} line.
}
} Alas, you have a _small_ refrigerator, and thus it can be home to only
} a few gnomes, and no matter how hard they work, they can't keep all the
} water frozen.  If you stick the ice-cube tray in a bigger fridge (more
} of the little critters) or put in less water, all will be well.
}
} You owe the oracle a raspberry ice made from the frost of the next 5
} defrostings of your fridge.
}
} PS: the answer to your next question is "the electricity isn't to keep
} the fridge cold; it runs the little electric fences that keep the
} frost gnomes from escaping.  You owe Lisa an icy treat for that.


560-10    (339mg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and omniscient Oracle, please tell me.
>
> What if this wasn't a hypothetical question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then this wouldn't be a rhetorical answer, would it?


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