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Internet Oracularities #561

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561, 561-01, 561-02, 561-03, 561-04, 561-05, 561-06, 561-07, 561-08, 561-09, 561-10


Usenet Oracularities #561    (44 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 14 May 1993 00:10:36 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   561
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

561   44 votes bfa71 9ha80 2fn40 2ff84 67m72 18jd3 5aed2 3e9c6 1er20 2gh81
561   2.8 mean  2.4   2.4   2.7   2.9   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.1   2.7   2.8


561-01    (bfa71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose car always starts,
> My second car won't, and the battery is dead.
> Piles and piles of white, powdery stuff have appeared around the
> terminals.
> What is that stuff, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Battery fuzz.
}
} (Yes, I know you wanted some sort of technobabble answer, like air
} sulphate, or plumbic nitride.  It's battery fuzz.  Trust me.  And get
} a new battery and new cables.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a racehorse that always starts.  The last two I put
} my money on got scratched, a pretty poor record for someone who's
} omniscient!


561-02    (9ha80 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Sorry for the lack of grovel, but I'm really quite confused.
>
> I'm a white male.  How come I'm always considered the bad guy?  I
> didn't do anything wrong, yet everywhere I go I'm considered to be an
> evil sexist, racist bastard.  What did I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the first bad move was to join the Association for Handicapped
} Gay Black Feminist Jews.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kinzler, gender nation.


561-03    (2fn40 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:
>  Oh mightiest of the wise, and wisest of the virtual, please
>  share your enlightenment with this humble supplicant -
>
>       How soon will the Internet replace the telephone system?
>       What will eventually replace the Internet?  When will that
>       occur?  Should I do anything special to get ready for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The telephone system will be declared obsolete by next Tuesday and put
} out of service during the following week, forcing everyone to get a
} workstation and shell out money galore for internet access. A few
} months later, while people are still trying to find out how to make
} collect calls and find the Cleveland part of the on-line internet
} directory, AT&T and Bell join forces and introduce the new Digital
} Pan-Chromatic Virtual Ambience Cyber-Relay But Unfortunately Totally
} Omni-Incompatible Communications System. A bad move. The public rises
} as one man to protest. Riots abound all over the nation, during which
} several phone companiy executives get old telephone directories shoved
} down their throats and are flogged to death with coaxial cable. A
} severe crisis ensues during which telecommunication is outlawed. So to
} be prepared for the future in communications, get a pile of firewood
} and a blanket.
}
} You owe the Oracle Cindy Crawford's internet address.


561-04    (2ff84 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE CHILDREN..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a curious question! I wish I knew the motive or catalyst behind
} this inquiry.  I must assume that either a) you already have children
} and they are driving you nuts, or b) either your parents or spouse are
} pressuring you to procreate.  Well, to answer these little basic life
} questions I like to refer My supplicants to the Bible According To God.
} Most of you supplicants have your own Bible--this version tells us what
} REALLY happened during those first six crazy days of creation.
}
}  "And God said, 'Yea, let these funny little bipeds that I have
} created for My own amusement possess an incurable and insatiable sex
} drive, that will force them to couple and thus procreate.  And thus
} they shall have many children, and so populate the earth.  But because
} I have created them with free will, some will not desire children.
} They will then create many forms of contraception, which some of My
} followers will denounce, thinking I condemn them for it.  But for those
} who desire children, they shall have them--and when their children are
} growing, they shall go through what psychologist will call "difficult
} times", during which they shall drive their parental units bonkers. And
} I shall laugh with amusement, for this pattern shall repeat itself
} througout the ages, with each generation.
}  "And God added,  'Then, too, shall the parents of the grown
} children again desire to care for young children again, and so, being
} past the time for making children, they shall nag their children to
} again procreate.  And this pattern shall also repeat itself througout
} the ages. And again I shall laugh.  For these humans are a constant
} source of amusement.'"
}
} You owe the Oracle a leatherbound copy of Dr. Spock's Guide to Baby
} Care.


561-05    (67m72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A few months ago, an issue of the Oracularities Digest came out in
> which I had a hand in every one of the ten items, either as the
> Querent or as the Incarnation; scores from 3.7 to 4.8.
> Word got out, and things began to happen.
>
> The babe in the apartment across the hall invited me in.
>
> My boss gave me a promotion.
>
> Katie Courick interviewed me on the Today show
> and made a pass at me.
>
> That issue of the Digest was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.
>
> Bubba Clinton called and asked me for advice about Bosnia.
>
> Madonna called and asked me out.
>
> Ross Perot gave me half his money.
>
> Then I awoke and found it was only a dream.
>
> O Oracle, whose everyday reality is immeasurably better than my
> wildest dreams,
>
> How can I make my dreams come true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       O unworthy mortal, whose wildest dreams are immeasurably inferior
} to My everyday reality, let me tell you.
}       Since you ask, Madonna is already dating the Oracle itself. She
} said she thought my C shell was cute.
}       One of my great lowly carbon-based minions saw Ross Perot
} coming out of the babe across the hall's apartment.
}       Your boss went broke the other day in Vegas. He should have known
} not to trust a machine he didn't know.
}       This first-time bodily incarnation of the Oracle through whom I
} speak just recieved a call from Bubba Clinton. He wanted to know what
} kind of cat food to feed Socks, how to get in good with Boris, and why
} Chelsea was refusing to eat anything exceept Kraft Dinosaurs 'N Cheese.
} I, the almighty Oracle solved his problems by telling him to feed the
} cat food to Boris, the Shells 'N cheese to the cat, and nothing to
} Chelsea.
}
}       The answer to your question, O inferior suppliant whose memory
} barely amounts to a few hundred K on a good day and whose hardware is
} no more than release 1.0, is as follows: Since you can never be Me, and
} I am So Cool that No Inferior Being who runs on Something Less
} Efficient than Electricity and has to Sleep Sometimes to Retain its
} Sanity, you have no recourse but to fall back to your earthly desires
} and your Earthly faith. The answer to all your dreams lies in another
} religion than worship of Me. Indeed, the answer to all your prayers to
} a false god is waiting for you in a municipal Church: it is on the 59
} cent menu at your local church of Taco Bell. The all-knowing Oracle is
} aware of the fact that Katie Courick has a thing for guys who eat
} Chilitos, and Madonna has an insatiable craving for spray-can
} guacamole. Why do you think there are always such underdressed,
} attractive women on the commercials? They're all obsessed with Pintos
} "N Cheese.
}       Go and pray at the altar of the BigBeef, mortal, and beg
} forgiveness for your impiety. And while you're at it, bring me back
} something.
}       You owe the Oracle two soft taco supremes, a large Dr. Pepper
} (Just what the All-Knowing Ordered), an order of cinnamon crisps and a
} Mexican Pizza with extra Pico Sauce.


561-06    (18jd3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan "JonMon" Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here, have part of this gigantic fish the dragon just brought me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't right now; I'm stuffed.
}
} You see, one of my Supplicants just asked me which came first, the
} chicken or the egg, and since that particular bit of information
} had been beneath my notice until I received the question, I had to
} do some research.
}
} So, I went over to God's Diner
} ( located at 1 Parnassus Road, Mount Olympus ),
} and ordered a fried egg and roast chicken.
}
} "What, no Manna today? And don't forget we have a special on bread
} and fish?" asked the waiter.
}
} I had to admonish him, "Jeez, this is a business trip; I'm not here
} for pleasure. Just bring my order and be done with it."
}
} Then I sat at my table for what seemed like an interminable
} length of time, listening to the clang of pottery in the kitchen.
}
} Finally, the party at the next table spilled their water pitcher,
} and sure enough, here came my waiter, walking on water as usual.
}
} With a flourish, he laid my plate before me, and there were the
} chicken and the egg, at the same time.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bicarb.


561-07    (5aed2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi.  This is the Oracle.  I'm taking Friday off, but I noticed that you
> are going to send in a question then. I thought I'd answer it now to
> save both you and me some time.
>
> Yes, German "zip codes" *are* changing from 4 to 5 digits as of July
> 1st. As a result, any mail sent from the United States to Germany will
> be delivered directly to the appropriate American address.  For
> example, mail improperly addressed to "am Hohlacker" Street in
> Frankfurt, Germany (zip 60435) will then be correctly delivered to
> Plainfield Rd., in Joliet, IL. (also zip 60435).   Residents of "am
> Hohlacker" Street will be required to collect their overseas mail
> directly from the Postmaster in Joliet.
>
> As you can see, this will vastly improve delivery time for mail to
> central Europe.  And most EEC countries are considering adopting a
> similar scheme in their country, all for the convenience of the
> American postal service, except for England.  England adopted a "postal
> code" standard similar to Canada's to allow for exactly the same kind
> of accelerated delivery.  Oh well.
>
> This hopefully demonstrates that Europeans are just itching to help out
> the American consumer, whereever and whenever possible.
>
> You owe the Oracle a Fodor's Guide to Europe (1989 edition, please),
> a good pair of walking shoes, and a German-English phrase book.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buon Giorno.
}
} This is the Mafia. We would like to know where all the money went
} that Johnny "one eye" Capuccino sent us last week. Unfortunately
} he is no longer in any state to assist with the search after our
} expert team had questioned him five hours about the whereabouts of
} the $3.50 he had taken from the White House's petty cash.
} We can assure you that we have some friends that can get verrry
} angrrry about this matter...
} The address on the parcel was "Am Hohlacker Street", 60435 Joliet/IL.
}
} You owe the questionner an explanation for a series of terrorist
} attacks on European Post Agencies.


561-08    (3e9c6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan "JonMon" Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, etc., etc., tell me:
>
> How many times will it take for Buffalo to win the Super Bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Wellsir, I'm glad you asked that question... Being as how buffalo
} have yet to walk erect or grow opposable thumbs, I'd estimate a
} couple thousand years yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a beer and two double cheeseburgers with mayo.>


561-09    (1er20 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I read in the Oracularities that
> "the Oracle is multilingual".
>
> Does this mean you can do two lollipops at once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oui, c'est vrai.
}
} Ja, das ist die Wahrheit.
}
} Ja, det aer rollig rigtig.
}
} Si, e vero.
}
} You owe the Oracle -four- (er, make that --five--) lollipops.


561-10    (2gh81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right.  We're sitting in here, three or four guys playing
> obligatory-sex games, and suddenly this angel walks in, like, y'know,
> a cherub with wings and all, and I was about five inches deep in the
> lion, y'know?  So I kind of freeked and ran home.  What should I have
> done under those circumstanceS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Proper etiquette under the circumstances you describe depend a great
} deal on the status and affiliation of the angel appearing to you.  In
} any case, you were, I regret to say, guilty of a bad breach of manners
} in leaving as you did.
}
} For encounters with Christian angels the correct response would be to
} cease your activities, stand up, bow, introduce your friends (who
} should also bow) and then inquire politely as to what the angel would
} like.  "How may I help you?" is quite appropriate.
}
} Your description of a "cherub with wings and all" indicates some
} confusion on your part as to the nature of your visitor.  You may have
} been approached by a member of the Judaic Cherubim, who represent a
} somewhat more formal regime.  In that case you should cease your
} activities, grovel on the floor to the best of your ability, and plead
} with the angel not to smite you with a terrible swift sword.  (Cherubim
} are somewhat short tempered.)
}
} Although it's somewhat rare these days, you may be visited by one of
} the Assyrian or Chaldean angels.  In which case you may continue your
} activities and the angel will simply select one of your number to be
} sacrificed to Baal, Marduk, Moloch, or another of the High Gods.
}
} You owe the Oracle a burnt offering.  (No, NOT last night's dinner!)


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