[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:15:04 GMT

Internet Oracularities #562

Goto:
562, 562-01, 562-02, 562-03, 562-04, 562-05, 562-06, 562-07, 562-08, 562-09, 562-10


Usenet Oracularities #562    (57 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 13:27:52 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   562
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

562   57 votes 2aof6 8kj64 5cqa4 08hgg 15lge 18g4s 7in54 2or31 cgga3 9il81
562   3.0 mean  3.2   2.6   2.9   3.7   3.6   3.9   2.7   2.6   2.6   2.5


562-01    (2aof6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise and Magnificent, I have but a simple question:
>
> Why is it that nobody understands?
>
> [Priest note: .sig deleted to protect the supplicant's non-disclaimered
>  company (see #3 below).  Name available on request accompanied by
>  cheque]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
}
} 10) Your vocal cords are moonlighting as vertebral ligaments.
}
} 9) Your teeth have been epoxied together.  Perhaps you should stop
} teasing your lover about her cooking.
}
} 8) Few have ever considered rabbits in quite that light.
}
} 7) Get a scalpel and bone saw and reset DIP switch 0x9a67b56f-- your
} brain is using two stop bits, where you should only be using one.
}
} 6) You are, in fact, the *only* person in America whose personality is
} dominated by your relationship with Brussel-sprout soda.
}
} 5) Too much technobabble.  The question "How much do you love me?"
} should not be answered "Like a garbage collection routine loves
} hearing a reference-count decrement to zero."
}
} 4) Your high-school French sucks.
}
} 3) People rarely read the manual, especially the parts that say "The
} body of the mail should contain only your question."
}
} 2) You are, for the most part, addressing cretins.
}
} 1) Gradual but inevitebla temay ov uiy ped taen rmol, uiy taessu daan
} ri war iyr hita ivrad.


562-02    (8kj64 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Orrie, its me God, no time to elaborate, just get here now
> and bring Lisa with you.
>   They're closing in!!! The woodchuck has landed!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *CLICK*
}
} "Thank you for calling the Oracle!  Our staff is waiting to forward
} your call.  Press 1 for answers about woodchucks, 2 for why postal
} workers wig out, 3 for forecasts of the body count in Bosnia, 4 for why
} idiots blame white men for all of society's problems, or hold the line
} to leave a message."
}
} PAUSE
}
} "Thank you for choosing to leave a message with the Oracle.  Please
} wait for the sound of the ZOT to leave a message."
}
} ZOT


562-03    (5cqa4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is known as the font of all wisdom
> pray answer a question for me.
>
> "What is the story behind the Black hole of Calcutta"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom known as Calcutta, there
} lived a Little Black Hole.
}
} The Little Black Hole was very sad because he wanted to be in the
} Oracularities, but he had too much gravity to be funny.
}
} So, the Little Black Hole went to a physicist and asked,
} "Please, Mister Physicist, why do I have too much gravity?"
}
} And the physicist said "Too much Mass."
}
} After hearing this, the Little Black Hole didn't go to church for a
} month; but he didn't get any funnier.
}
} So, the Little Black Hole wrote to the Oracle, which he should have
} done in the first place, and asked, "O Oracle so sublime,
} I have too much gravity to be funny. Please help me."
}
} And the Oracle wrote back, "Come to Olympus and accrete my Garbage
} for a year, and I will help you."
}
} So, the Little Black Hole did just that; at the end of the year, the
} Oracle transported him to a Universe of antimatter!
}
} Now, instead of gravity, the Little Black Hole had lots of levity,
} and every Question or Answer he wrote was chosen for the
} Oracularities; and the Little Black Hole lived happily ever after.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whoopee cushion, a genuine Minsky.


562-04    (08hgg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan "JonMon" Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
> I am feeling very lonely. Will you sit with me for a while and hold
> my hand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awwwww.  There, there, don't be sad.  Here.  Here's the Oracle's hand to
} hold on to.  That'll make you feel better.
}
}    /-------\
}   /    ----/-------\
} -/         --------<
}            --------<
} -\         -------<
}   \--------------/
}
} OK?
}
} Um, I knt typ 'n unn hnb.  Giv it bk to mi ok?  'uppliknt?  'UPPLIKNT??
} I gotto git mi hnb bk.  *OT.... *OT..... OOOOOooooooo U lyin no goob
} littl 'uppliknt.  I'll git you.  I'll git you goob.  Giv it bk nou.
} Nou, nou, nou.  Oh *hit.  Hmmm.  Oh--I kno.  Mouph.  Git mi mouph.  OK.
} Minu/Util..  Ho ho ho, 'upplikn't , tyk thith:
} ----------------------------------
} | File | Edit | Utilities | Help |
} ----------------------------------
}               | Woodchuck-B-Gone |
}               | 42               |
}               |#ZOT#####|\#######|
}               | Crash In| \net   |
}               ----------|  \------
}                         =====
}                           \\
} (The now-familiar sound of an Oracular >>ZOT<< resounds across the
} Internet.  The Hand of the Oracle is quickly restored to it's rightful
} owner.)
}
} Ha!  That'll teach you!  (And that'll teach me, too--I guess these GUIs
} _are_ good for something, after all!) You, supplicant, are lonely for a
} good reason:  you're a deceitful little creep.  From now on, you may not
} have the hand of the Oracle, but if you're not careful, you may get the
} finger from him!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pen computer.


562-05    (15lge dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wondrous Oracle, light of all        Incomprehensible Oracle, whose
> civilization, hear our plea.         stinking big intellect makes me
> We are a dual personality trap-      feel like my part of the brain is
> ped in a single brain.  We argue     something the cat dragged in, do
> constantly, except when we are       you know what it's like being stuck
> not talking to each other.  My       with that prissy pile of dirt over
> other half is so impolite and        there?  The only thing I can agree
> disreputable, even immoral, that     with him on is divorce.  The sooner
> I'm ashamed to be in the same        the quicker.  You're probably no
> skull with him.  I wish I didn't     better than he is, for that matter.
> have to be so critical of him,       Anyway, tell us how to get out of
> but it's hard to be nice when        this prison.  He's making my life
> the other guy is so bad.  Can        miserable, always complaining about
> you give us advice about how to      my ideas.  Says I'm immoral.  Makes
> get out of this sad situation?       me sick.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, I would suggest   | Look, you idiot, I think it's
} trying to convince your other half   | obvious that your companion is
} to seek some professional guidance.  | not running on all four wheels.
} It's quite apparent that any         | You need to get him into therapy
} problems he has are quite deep       | as soon as possible and get rid
} seeded, and while I could cure them  | of this stress point in your
} quite easily on my own, the process  | life.  I could just <ZOT> him,
} of slow reconciliation is usually    | but you'd get toasted in the
} much more effective in the long run. | process, and that'd be a massive
}                                      | bummer.
}                                      |
} By the way, he'll probably say that  | By the way, he'll probably say
} you're the one who needs therapy.    | that you're the one who needs
} Bear with him.  He's really the one  | therapy.  Bear with him.  He's
} that needs help.  Badly.             | really the one that needs help.
}                                      | Badly.
}                                      |
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.   | You don't owe the Oracle
} You've got enough troubles.          | anything.  You've got enough
}                                      | troubles.


562-06    (18g4s dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O mighty oracle: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey Rocky!  I got a letter!"
}
} "But Bullwinkle, you can't read!"
}
} "I can too!  Look, there's my name on the envelope!"
}
} "'Oracle Moose, at Indiana ed-you'.... but we're not even
} *in* Indiana!  How did it get here?"
}
} [Boris, thinly disguised as a mailman, knocks on the door]
}
} "Mail call!  Ze mail truck ees coming!"
}
} [A semi pulls up to Rocky and Bullwinkle's front door, and
} dumps about 11 tons of mail]
}
} "Zee you again this afternoon!"  [Boris leaves]
}
} [Rocky and Bullwinkle dig out from under stacks of letters]
}
} "Bullwinkle, ALL this mail is addressed to 'Oracle Moose'!
} Where is it all coming from?"
}
} MEANWHILE, AT A UNIVERSITY SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST, THE
} USENET ORACLE GETS READY TO ANSWER HIS MORNING MAIL.
}
} "Morning, Harold."
}
} "Good morrow, Your Worship.  Dost thou desire some coffee?"
}
} "Lay off the 'thou' stuff, willya?  I'm in a bad mood."
}
} [tap tap click tap click beep]
}
} $ mailx
} "/usr/mail/oracle": 3 messages 3 new
} >N  1 Danny, age 9       Thu May 13 15:57   41/1421  Dear Mr Know-It-All
}  N  2 Suzy, age 11       Thu May 13 16:55   76/3664  i hate you
}  N  3 Taco Bell corp HQ  Thu May 13 15:57   41/1421  Commercial shoot
} ?
}
} "WHAT the---  HAROLD!  Where's the usual 11 tons of mail?"
}
} [tap tap]
}
} ? 1
} Message  1:
} From danny Thu May 13 15:57 CDT 1993
} From: Danny, age 9
} Subject: Dear Mr. Know-It-All
}
} Dear Mr. Know-it-all,
}
} I think youre really funny.  I watch you every day after school
} and I always laff.  My friends at school say GI Joe is better
} than you are but I tell them hes not as funny.
}
} your friend,
} Danny
} ?
}
} [Harold physically restrains the Oracle]  "Sire, he's just a child!"
}
} "I oughta ZOT that kid's PARENTS, that's what!  NINE years old and
} HOW does he address the Oracle?  'Dear Mr. Know-it-all'?  BAH!"
}
} BACK AT ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE'S, THE SITUATION WAS GETTING EVEN WORSE:
}
} "Hey Rocky, you got any wood?"
}
} "Bullwinkle!  You're not trying to ANSWER all this mail, are you?"
}
} "I gotta start somewhere -- let's see, we got 12,000 questions
} about woodchucks, 7,000 about final exams, 31,000 about sex --"
}
} [Boris arrives with another truck]  "Mail call!"  [thud]
}
} "Ouch!  Make that 21,000 woodchuck questions, 13,000 final exams --"
}
} "Bullwinkle, you'll never catch up!"
}
} WILL OUR HEROES FIGURE OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING?  TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR:
}
} "PHONY EXPRESS"
}
}   OR
}
} "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS ZOTS TWICE"


562-07    (7in54 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Subject:  Sale!
>  To:       Occupant, 42 Delphi Drive, Mount Olympus
>
> Noah's Pet Store, located at 666 Pan Parkway, is proud to
> announce a special sale on exotic pets: tribbles.
>
> Tribbles are warm and furry, and during our special sale they're
> cheap enough to be used instead of clay pigeons for
> skeet-shooting.
>
> So hurry on down and pick up a pile of them; we're right near
> the intersection of Pan Parkway and Saturn Circle.
>
> Or give us a call, and we'll deliver!
>
>   --Noah
>   noah@noah.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I'm sorry, I must decline your generous offer. A friend of mine
} bought some, and apparently too many, and has thus given me enough
} to last at least a century or so.
}
}   You know? They make GREAT pillows! And are a really nice replacemtn
} for toilet paper as well.. I could probably make a killing selling
} them at Star Trek Conventions also... Maybe you should go to one and
} post and advertisement there!
}
}   Well, thanks for the offer anyway, and I'll be sure to drop by if
} you ever get some more greek heroes in stock. I love playing with
} their minds (and running them through mazes, especially the one with
} the minotaur)..
}
} You owe the Oracle.. uh.. ok, this one's a freebee.


562-08    (2or31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle,
>
> how can I set up a permanent channel on IRC? I would like to set up a
> channel that will always appear in the channel listings.  Thanks for
> your time!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will need:
}
} 1 Dark, spooky house
} 1 Meduim-sized medium
} 500 Cases of JOLT Cola
}
} The basic idea is simple: Let your medium enter the spooky house and
} start channeling.  Make sure she gets enough caffiene in her system
} that she never falls asleep, and presto! you have a permanent channel.
}
} Implementing it is somewhat more touchy.  You must not let her drink
} too much cola at the beginning, or she will never go into the trance
} she needs to start channeling.  On the other hand, if she drinks too
} much after she has gone under, (as any exorcist worth his money
} knows), her head will explode and make a real mess.  And she may stop
} channeling if that occurs.
}
} As for appearing in the channel listings, if she manages to drink that
} much without having to stop channeling to run to the bathroom, she
} will make the listing under "Most soda consumed during a seance."
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to animate those red 7-up dots.


562-09    (cgga3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Pray inform your humble servant of the host address of the mastermind
> of Hong Kong University.
>
>  The Hong Kong University refered to is the honoured learning
> instituition situated in the British Territory of Hong Kong, off the
> coast of Mainland China, to be reverted back to Chinese rule in the
> year 1997.
>
> Knowledge of this is of supreme importance to one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } "mmind@napoleon.hku.edu".  You owe the Oracle a thousand year egg.
}
} > Thank you, venerable sage!
} > Your egg will be appearing most efficiently!
}
} <STOCK FOOTAGE, JET TOUCHDOWN.  SFX: squealing jet tires, Chinese
} remake of Western pop songs.>
} <SCENE 48: Taxi pulls up to curb. FUNG MU climbs in.>
} <SCENE 49: FUNG MU on grounds of Hong Kong University, obviously
} casing the joint.>
}
} <SCENE 50: Night.  FUNG MU is jackhammering the pavement near Art
} building.  Shovels out a little dirt, pulls out a thick blue cable.>
}
} FUNG MU: Thicknet.  Ha!  My sister and her unborn baby will be avenged
} in the greater eyes of heaven soon!
}
} <We see various NINJAS creeping through the undergrowth as FUNG MU
} hurriedly attaches a vampire tap.>
}
} FUNG MU: Too long has this son of a leperous sea turtle squatted in
} the center of his web like a bloated banana moth!
}
} <NINJA overhears this last remark, scratches head.  FUNG MU looks up.>
}
} FUNG MU: Ah!  Ninja!
}
} <Extended martial arts battle #6-- see choreographer's script>
}
} FUNG MU: You think you can triumph over FUNG MU, hah?  I am a Major
} Character, whose name is written in this script in CAPITAL LETTERS!
}
} <FUNG MU hooks his PC up to the vampire tap.>
}
} FUNG MU: Now I will snarf all the evil crime emperor's packets and I
} will use his password to avenge my brother and his unborn baby!
}
} <SFX: horrible crashing noise>
} <FX: The CIRCLE OF WIND AND FIRE DEMON rising from manhole cover>
} <Note to producer's assistant-- get some grade-school kids to make
} this one-- paper mache over chicken wire should be durable enough>
}
} FUNG MU: Ai ya!  A Circle of Wind and Fire Demon!  Much like the one
} the fiend of the Trans-Himalayan heroin trade summoned to kill my
} mother and her unborn child! . . .


562-10    (9il81 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Put down that Pickle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like you need some psychoanalysis.  Since the oracle knows all
} your problems anyway, let's do a little one-sided free association.
}
} Finals?  Boredom?  That last little niggling irritation that finally
} put you over the edge?  A life-long antipathy to brine and garlic?  A
} slow-festering wound caused by a spiny American cucumber?  Pathological
} fear of cured vegetables?  Dread regarding phallic substitutes of a
} threatening and, well, to be honest, humbling size?  Passionate dislike
} of green?  Well-grounded fear of botulism or other spoilage?  An ill-
} remembered childhood memory of a green plush-toy monkey that went
} berserk one night under your bed, that your parents *never* quite
} believed, even as they soothed you back to sleep?  A bad experience
} with a green banana (or was it a plantain?), three tequila sunrises,
} and a cheap hotel room in Tijuana? (or was it Nogales?).  The
} aftershocks of total sensory deprivation and/or hallucinogenic
} experimentation some 25 years ago?  A sudden sour taste in your mouth
} as a result of guilt over some horrible deed you just committed?  A
} frightened reaction to storks that sound like Groucho Marx -- or is it
} the strange resemblance of that last infant you saw to a crunchy vlasic
} dill?  The successful repression of heterosexual desire symbolized by
} the Vlasic Stork (i.e. procreation) and its sublimation into sexual
} hostility and fantasy and then the frightened reaction to these
} returned fantasies?
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the
} Unconscious" and a jar of half-sours, preferably spicy ones.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org