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Internet Oracularities #563

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563, 563-01, 563-02, 563-03, 563-04, 563-05, 563-06, 563-07, 563-08, 563-09, 563-10


Usenet Oracularities #563    (58 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 12:56:35 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   563
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

563   58 votes 18mbg 5br87 djf92 7mja0 ua594 cgi66 8fhc6 lj891 8cgh5 48pe7
563   2.8 mean  3.6   3.0   2.4   2.6   2.1   2.6   2.9   2.1   3.0   3.2


563-01    (18mbg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you run the universe successfully?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       This is a very good and, shall we say, pertinent question,
} supplicant, especially in these times where universes are bubbling up
} out of the void with so much verve, and enthusiasm. The advances in
} human science makes it possible for even you, a lowly supplicant, to
} have a chance to run your very own universe. So, before you get into
} any trouble, and devalue your wise investment, let me give you a few
} pointers:
}
} (1) Keep the micro-organisms OUT. This includes all phages, bacilla,
} paramecium, and politicians. You will find that this will reduce the
} level of horrible diseases and plagues dramatically.
}
} (2) Don't eat fried foods. It may not help your universe to run
} better, but it sure cuts down on the heartburn!
}
} (3) Hire a team of as many lawyers as you possibly can. This also may
} not keep the universe in line, but I'll tell you: it sure helps get
} the frustration out when you <ZOT!> one every once in a while.
}
}       (3a) Keep the lawyers OUT. This one should be obvious.
}
} (4) Always pay the mortgage on time. Nothing can cause more chaos in a
} universe than when its repossessed.
}
} (5) In this universe the speed limit is 186,282 mi/sec. Make the speed
} limit in your universe 55 mph. Such speeds are reckless, and cause
} more accidents than banana peels left on the floor.
}
}       (5a) Make seat belts mandatory. Giving the inhabitants genetic
}               seat belts saves time and money, because they will be
}               born with them.
}       (5b) Keep the banana peels OUT.
}
} (6) Some universes are infinite. Keep yours finite. It helps in
} keeping all the aforementioned OUT.
}
} (7) Keep all your detractors OUT. Freedom of speech is for WIMPS.
}
} (8) Hint: 6 days isn't enough time to build the universe. I mean, look
} at the sorry state of this one!
}                  _____
}                 /*&^%*\
}                |%$#@!)&|
}                 \___/\/
}                  /
}                 /
}                /
}             /\/
}       _    /_
}      / \  // \
}         \//
} ******CRACK!*******
} [Bolt of lightning from the sky.]
}
} Connection closed by foriegn host.
} telnet>
}
} (you owe the oracle a pair of asbestos shorts. OUCH!)


563-02    (5br87 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, Moses, God, and the Oracle were hiking out in the woods;
> they walked for a long time, got separated, and it got dark.
>
> God just said "Let there be light", and there was light.
>
> Moses raised his hand, and a Pillar of Fire appeared to light his
> path.
>
> The Oracle --
>
> What did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle reached into his backpack and pulled out a beer.  He
} popped the top in the dark, and upon taking a mighty swig, he spewed
} forth his beer upon the trees of the forest.
}
} "DAMN!  WHO PUT LIGHT BEER IN MY COOLER?!?"
}
} And lo! did the creatures of the forest tremble, for the Oracle was
} surrounded by a nimbus most fierce.  Vesuvius erupted.  Atlantis
} fell.  Ragnarok began and ended.  The Cubs took the series.  And the
} Oracle found his way home, whereafter he threw his refrigerator at
} the moron who invented light beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel, and a good Amana refrigerator.


563-03    (djf92 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> It is with the deepest of regrets that I must inform you that your
> services are no longer required.  Your service to us has been
> exemplary, but due to circumstances, we have no option.  Your last day
> of employment shall be two weeks hence.  You will receive 1 month's
> severence pay in addition.  Best of luck in your future prospects.
>
> Regards,
>
> Steve Kinzler
> (An engineer with an organ.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmpf. As severance pay, you owe the Oracle $100,000,000,000,000,000
} and iuvax. I always did like it better.


563-04    (7mja0 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Great and Powerful Oracle, it is I, Dorothy, the small and weak.
>
> Will these ruby slippers take me anywhere but *Kansas*??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, come on now,
}
} Kansas is a very exciting place!  You can tour the Wheat museum, the
} Wheat shrine, the "House of wheat", made entirely of wheat hulls which
} have been glued together with wheat glue, the "Cream of Wheat" factory,
} and of course the seed company.
}
} Let's see here, thumbing through the Oracular travel guide, I see you
} can also learn about the history of irrigation at the Kansas State Fair
} Wheat tent (only tent), the fair being held on August 7.  The guidebook
} also lists the "Dorothy Memorial", but that was lost in a rather
} violent storm a few years back.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 weeks of rest & relaxation, but Kansas is a bit
} TOO relaxing, thank you.


563-05    (ua594 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why are we here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT


563-06    (cgi66 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the HECKITTY DARN did my scizzors go???????
>    Desparate in Duluth.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh! That's strong language to use at an omnipotent being you know!
} Golly! I might just have to <ZOT!> you! But no, as you are obviously
} flustered without your scizzors I will let you off with a warning....
}
} (zot)
}
} There, just a little one. That wasn't so bad now, was it?
}
} Well, now that's over, I can tell you. You're not going to like it
} though. You thought perhaps that all a woodchuck did was chuck wood,
} no? Not so! These days they're into all sorts of stuff, including
} lumber, paper manufacturing and woodchipping. That's where your
} scizzors have gone - at the moment they are replacing the main chipping
} blades in Woodchuck Glade Mill #3. Woodchucks aren't so silly as most
} people think - they are twice as annoying of course, but when it comes
} to making a buck they realise that just chucking the stuff doesn't get
} you anything but sore throat.
}
} A closer look reveals that everything is going fine down at Woodchuck
} Glade. The supervisor, Woody Woodchuck is on the phone to Walter
} Woodchuck, forechuck in the chipping division at mill #3. Woody is
} pretty happy, as the output from his plant is soaring, even though he's
} lost his main chipping blades for the week while they're being
} sharpened. Looks like he's going to be able to fill all his orders, and
} even look for some more maybe! William Woodchuck III, the owner, is
} going to be very happy. Maybe he'll even give Woody a bonus this month.
} Woody congratulates Walter on meeting his quota and hangs up.
}
} Well, we can't have this, can we? We all know that I don't like them
} woodchucks. I don't like to see happy woodchucks. Especially I don't
} like to see them getting bonuses. What am I going to do about it? Well,
} it's time the woodchucks found out what 'omnipotent' means.
}
} See Woody raised into the air - he's flying! He doesn't know it yet,
} but the Oracle has him in his grasp. See Woody flying toward the
} chipping conveyor. He lands on a large log, and is quickly tied down by
} his necktie. He is slowly drawn into the machine, shouting his head
} off. Walter can't see him though - he's in the stationery room with
} Wilma Woodchuck. Down, down Woody falls, closer and closer to the
} scizzors - Shred! Rip! Grind! Woody chips! Mooohahahahahaha!
}
} You owe the Oracle some sharp scizzors. Woodchucks sure do blunt them
} quick.


563-07    (8fhc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sir:
>
> The penguins have returned, but the bridge is still missing.  Now what?
>
>                                                     Team Woodchuck

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Within their hidding spot just behind the corner of a building,
} Batman turns suddenly: "Your absolutely right, Robin! To the Batcave!"
}
} (zippy music, and images of a car driving, played in fast motion to
} make it appear as if the car were actually driving fast)
}
} (Batman and Robin doing some kind of experiment, and at the same time
} playing with a 1960's style computer thing.  A bell goes off).
}
} Batman:  "Just as I suspected, Robin!  The Commissioner's Wife's bridge
} was cleverly encased in this block of solid ice.  All we need to do is
} to melt the block of ice, and the bridge will be saved.  Come on,
} Robin, to the nuclear power plant!"
}
} (Batman and Robin leap into the Batmobile with the ice-encrusted dental
} work... zippy music, and images of a car driving, played in fast motion
} to make it appear as if the car were actually driving fast)
}
} (Batman and Robin within the Nuclear power plant, right next to the
} pool containing the radioactive fuel, glowing menacingly red, then
} green).
}
} Robin:  "Holy saunabath, Batman!  You're not going to immerse the block
} of ice into the pool of radioactive fuel?!?"
}
} Batman:  "It's the only way to free the bridge from the ice without
} releasing the deadly anthrax-related plague virus, fiendishly coating
} every part of it's surface."
}
} Robin: "Wow."
}
} (suddenly, 6 burley men in ...
} ... sexy skintight costumes begin gyrating ^C
}
} Lisa, please give the keyboard back!
} Thank you.
}
} (suddenly, 6 burley men in stupid penguin costumes, that look oh so
} '60ish, surround the dynamic duo--the Penguin himself appears on the
} scene!)
}
} Penguin:  "Wwann, Wwann, Wwann,  what have we hear?  Batman and Robin.
} Let's see if we can put a 'glow' in your cheeks, eh?"
}
} (the Penguin's men tie the Duo to a winch, hoist them out over the
} pool, and begin lowering them into the deadly liquid, which begins to
} bubble furiously, just to worry us).
}
} Sudden Voice from Nowhere: "How will the Duo get out of this one?!?
} Will they be able to save the bridge from destruction?  Will they be
} able to prevent the Penguin from releasing his deadly toxins and
} killing the entire planet, if not universe? Or are the Duo destined to
} play it 'hot' while the Penguin plays it 'cool'?
}
} (final shot: the two, dangling, just about to touch the surface of the
} pool.)
} --
} You owe the Oracle a potion that will cause Tim Burton to make *real*
} Batman movies, as seen on TV, and no more of this pseudo-gothic crap.


563-08    (lj891 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, God, Lucifer, and the Oracle were walking in the mountains.
>
> God looked around at the beautiful view, listened to the birds
> singing, took a deep breath of the fresh, crisp air, and said,
> "I did this; it is mine."
>
> Lucifer looked down at the side of the path, pointed to an empty
> beer can and a Bazooka wrapper, and said,
> "I did this; it is mine."
>
> The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thus the Oracle spoke:
}
}       "Let's go and have a drink"


563-09    (8cgh5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> The other day when you were out to lunch I answered a question for
> you. Sorry about that.
>
> My "ARMM" answer to Oracularities 557-01 scored a mere 1.9, which
> made me wonder if it was the lowest score ever.
>
> I grepped my old Oracularities, and found only 3 comparable scores:
>
> 477-10 1.7 ca210
> 529-03 1.7 jl700
> 551-01 1.9 js830
>
> The interesting thing is that my ARMM answer got a vote of jn531,
> which means that 3 people thought it deserved a '4', and one
> actually gave it a '5'.
>
> This is the first time in history that an Oracularity was so bad
> that it scored less than 2.0, but also pleased someone so much that
> it got a '5' vote.
>
> Do you suppose Depew votes on the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, confused supplicant, you should not believe everything you
} read. You see, Steve Kinzler is a master of logical programming
} (after all, he wrote me!), but arithmetic is just not his long
} suit. When he was writing the vote tabulating program, I tried
} to explain to him the difference between truncate and carry, but
} his brain has a mind of its own and it just wouldn't listen. The
} votes are counted in base 36 (0-9 and a-z), with carry, so 35
} votes of 5 are recorded as 0000z and 36 votes of 5 are 00010.
} Everyone who voted on your question gave it a 5, so your result
} of jn531 is actually 33,039,037 times 5, or 165,195,185. This is
} the third best vote ever received, and you should be happy. (And,
} since you do such a good job of answering questions for me, you
} can answer the next 33,039,037 woodchuck questions.)


563-10    (48pe7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I get a date with Joanie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I'm sure we can find you something.  Let's just type it in on the
} computer here....
}
}  $ cupid -LD Joanie* $SUPPLICANT
}  CUPID--Oracular Dating Service Applicant Matching Program
}  -Loose matching activated
}  -Desperate mode activated
}  Looking for Joanie* ............. done
}  Found 243253 entries for Joanie*
}  Matching profiles to subject ................. done.
}  Found 3 matching profiles....
}  _____________________________
}  Profile 001 of 003
}  Name: Joanie Gumpall
}  Sex: F          Age: 45
}  Height: 4'8"    Weight: 184 lb.
}  Hair: Brown  Eyes: Brown
}  Compatability to subject profile: 45%
}  Hobbies/Interests: "TV. Food. Whatever."
}  Looking for: "Anybody who dont leave the toilet seat up."
}  Mailbox Number: 243321
}  _____________________________
}  Profile 002 of 003
}  Name: Joanie Creider (nee Bob)
}  Sex: M          Age: 51
}  Height: 5'10"   Weight: 140 lb.
}  Hair: No        Eyes: Blue
}  Compatability to subject profile: 31%
}  Hobbies/Interests: "Nice dresses.  Pretty ones."
}  Looking For: "GWM seeks GWM/BWM HIV- for LTR ASAP"
}  Mailbox Number: 022321
}  _____________________________
}  Profile 003 of 003
}  Name: Joanie Fisher
}  Sex: F          Age: 34
}  Height: 5'5"    Weight: 133 Lb.
}  Hair: Red       Eyes: Green
}  Compatibility to subject profile: 27%
}  Hobbies/Interests: "Collecting broken hearts,
}   wrecking happy marriages, you know--the usual"
}  Looking for: "Victim number 1383"
}  Mailbox Number: 443523
}  _____________________________
}
}  End of prospective profiles.
}  To learn more about any of these exciting people, call
}  1-900-HOM-ELY1, and then enter the Mailbox Number
}  from the profile of the date of your dreams.  You'll
}  hear a recorded message from that person, and have a
}  chance to leave a message for them.  Good luck!
}
}  end of CUPID program.
}
} You owe the Oracle $4.00 for the first minute, $2.00 for
} each minute after the first.


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