[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:09:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #565

Goto:
565, 565-01, 565-02, 565-03, 565-04, 565-05, 565-06, 565-07, 565-08, 565-09, 565-10


Usenet Oracularities #565    (58 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 19:46:42 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   565
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

565   58 votes 3es76 3jeg6 5fjg3 8ip61 akce2 dik52 05fmg 3jt70 2agic 1ebfh
565   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.6   2.4   3.8   2.7   3.5   3.6


565-01    (3es76 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I read an article in a recent Oracularities which spoke of the
> Oracle wearing a "*ZOT* gun".
>
> It was my impression that the magnificent Oracle had the
> attribute of unlimited ZOTting as one of his intrinsic and
> inalienable abilities.
>
> Is this not so?
>
> The "*ZOT* gun" reference in the Oracularities would seem to
> indicate that an impostor has been answering questions addressed to
> the Oracle; all in all, a serious situation.
>
> I know that the Omniscient Oracle was aware of this already, and I
> do not presume to be informing you about it.
>
> My message so far is simply the context for my Question:
>
> O Oracle, please deign to tell me,
> what is going on and what is going to be done about it?
>
> ( Without the context, the question is a bit vague, and a complete
> answer would require 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 megabytes, and the
> world might be rebooted before its transmission could be completed. )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been almost a year since I stopped using my Finger of <ZOT>.  A
} couple of things happened that persuaded me to stop.
}
} First, somebody asked me which direction was East.  I pointed the way
} to him, and, well, you can see what Ohio is like now.
}
} The next day, Lisa and I were commemorating the asking of the
} 10,000,000th woodchuck question.  We wore our finest silk togas, and
} there was an air of great anticipation.  As I raised my arm to <ZOT>
} the supplicant, Lisa started giggling uncontrolably.  "You look like
} such a weenie," she said.
}
} So, now I tote a *ZOT* gun and it makes me look cool.  Say, do you
} have a problem with that?  Come on, punk!  Make my day!
}
} You Owe the Oracle an incarnation in Clint Eastwood.


565-02    (3jeg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise please answer my question
>
> If I were asked this question how should I answer it ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This has three parts, would, could, should
}
} First, how you would answer it ...
}
} Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it?
} You, looking up from a computer screen - "Hmmmp?"
}
} this fails to impress the girls.
}
} Second, how you could answer it ...
}
} Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it?
} You, looking up from  _Godel, Esher, Bach_ - "You should answer it just
} the way I am answering it now."
}
} only impresses underclassmen ....
}
} Finally, how you should answer it ...
}
} Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it?
} You, with a blank stare, look up from you computer screen -
} *BANG*  - you spontainously combust, sending pieces of yourself
} flying across the room.
}
} This impresses most people.  Whether you impress the Usenet Oracle
} depends on 1) the amount of poise you work into combusting.
} 2)  What you say when you walk into the room from the side door.
}
} You owe the Oracle a meta-meta.


565-03    (5fjg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most prepossessing Oracle, the thongs of whose sandals I am not
> worthy to tongue, it is written "Throughout the history of mankind,
> there have been many Oracles who have been consulted by many mortals
> and some immortals."  It is related further that such noteworthy greats
> as Hercules and King Cepheus consulted the ancient Oracles. So how
> does it feel to have a clientele made up primarily of sophomores,
> many of them engineering students, and all of them nerds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Tell me how a feedback apmlifier works.
}
} } What?!  NO GROVEL???  <ZOT!>
}
} > Why can't I ever get a date?
}
} } What?!  NO GROVEL???  <ZOT!>
}
} > What question do you think would get me into the oracularities?
}
} } What?!  NO GROVEL???  <ZOT!>
}
} > Hey!  Why do you keep <ZOT>ting me?
}
} } What?!  NO GROVEL???  <ZOT!>
}
} > So how does it feel to have a clientele made up primarily of
} > sophomores, many of them engineering students, and all of them
} > nerds?
}
} } Don't interrupt my skeet tournament!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new humor device.


565-04    (8ip61 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose progenitors are the fairest in the universe,
>
> Why don't you ever write?
>
> -Mom

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever?  Why, I wrote to you just last millenium, or was it epoch.
} Anyway, it was pretty recently.  Why do you keep nagging me?
}
} I know what you are getting at. And no, I haven't "made an honest
} woman" of Lisa yet.  We'll get married, when the time is right,
} OK?  I know you want grandchildren, but my head just isn't in
} that space right now, y'know.
}
} I'm eating right, not staying out late drinking with the guys
} on Mount Olympus, none of that anymore.  Please stop worrying.
}
} You owe the Oracle his inheritance, pronto.


565-05    (akce2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here is another lateral thinking problem Oh Great Oracle.
>
> A drunken man went home, turned off the light, and went to bed. The
> next morning he realised what he had done, so he killed himself.
>
> What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       First, the body sort of slumped forward, and then fell flat on
} the cheap carpeting.  The gun he used bounced out of his hand from
} the impact with the floor, and came to rest about a foot away, just
} under the bed.
}       The body began to cool down rapidly (remember, it's still
} morning), and finally (after noon) began to dry out from the stifling
} Texas heat.  Because he shot himself in the chest, a great deal of
} blood just poured out of his body, reducing the decay even further.
}       But decay it did, and this decay did not fail to arouse the
} interest of Texas's legendary cockroaches, who began to feast, mate,
} lay eggs, and rend the flesh of the body into a seething mass of pus.
}       Months went by.  The man's trailer home, parked in the middle of
} one of the many nowheres in Texas, was almost never visited by anyone.
} The construction of the domicile was such that the body would not be
} disturbed by coyotes or other large animals.  After a mild winter,
} the corpse was little more than a skeleton with strips of rawhide-like
} keratinized epidermis.  It had completely dried out.
}       An old friend decided to drop by in spring, and called the local
} sherriff when he found the hideous mess inside.
}       The sherriff did a cursory examination of the scene, and
} discovered a simple note next to an unclosed fountain pen on an
} otherwise pristine table in the middle of the room.  He read the note:
}
}                               ALWAYS USE
}                                ZIP CODE.


565-06    (dik52 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and glorious oracle who has a date every night of the week
> will you answer my humble question ?:
> Will I ever meet the girl of my dreams? (Heck for that matter will I
> ever get a date with a girl that is at least Human?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you will never meet the girl of your dreams simply because,
} by definition, dreams are not real.  If you do meet this girl, you are
} probably dreaming.  Now, suppose you want to spend the rest of your
} life with her, just do the following:
}
}   Overdose on some kind of medication; not enough to actually kill
}   you, just enough to put you in a coma for the rest of your life.
}
}   Start dreaming!
}
} You owe the Oracle some hospital life-support equipment.


565-07    (05fmg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that once you get what you've been longing for, it suddenly
> loses its fascination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd answer you, but then you wouldn't want to know anymore.


565-08    (3jt70 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Oracle!
>
> Please enlighten me. Where does the universe end? And what is behind
> that end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The universe will end in a small convenience store in San Francisco
} California, when a freak accident involving Cheetos, Toothpaste (the
} Gel kind), Hairspray, used spearmint chewing gum and Diet Yoghurt
} will cause the space-time continuum to unravel.
}
} Behind this store is a Dunkin Donuts shop.  Because of its proximity
} to the terminal event, many religions in the succeeding universe
} will be at the center of vicious wars between those who accept and
} deny the theological value of Donut holes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cruller and a large coffee, cream and extra
} sugar, to go.


565-09    (2agic dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose moves are oh so strong,
>
> Bobby Fischer claims he is still World Champion,
> and played a five million dollar match against Spassky
> for the championship.
>
> Kasparov and Short have been disqualified by FIDE, and
> will play their own seven million dollar match
> for the championship.
>
> Karpov and Timman will play a FIDE-sanctioned match
> for five million dollars and the championship.
>
> Millions of dollars for a match.
>
> You're stronger than all of them put together.
> Wanna play?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: I *love* to play games.  Let's play more than one!
}
} U: OK.  Pawn to king's pawn four.
}
} O: Knight to king's bishop 4.
}
} U: Queen to king's knight 4.
}
} O: Rook to Queen's bishop 10.
}
} U: Bishop to king's chancellor 7.
}
} O: Pawn takes knight.
}
} U: Bishop takes bishop
}
} O: Queen takes a chance.
}
} U: Knight to king's bishop 5, passes GO, collects $100.
}
} O: Queen takes a coffee break.
}
} U: Bishop takes Queen out for lunch.
}
} O: Queen takes check.
}
} U: Bishop takes the opportunity.
}
} O: Queen takes a cab back home.
}
} U: Queen takes Marvin Gardens.
}
} O: Queen takes a leak and a dump.
}
} U: Queen and four pawns beat a full house.
}
} O: Queen takes a royal flush.
}
} U: Bishop goes to jail.
}
} O: Rook, aided by the FBI and the Boy Sprouts, destroys King's Rook.
}
} U: Castle.
}
} O: Cathedral.
}
} U: Pawn to King's Pawn 8, trade in for a brand-new Chevy.
}
} O: Five of a kind beat a castle.
}
} U: resign.
}
} Good games, my man!


565-10    (1ebfh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who could see the tail of a gnat on the ground under
> a tree on a cloudy day from the middle row of a 747 cruising
> at altitude 35,000 feet,
>
> Can you identify this animal for me?  Can it be a woodchuck?
>
>                            ////////
>                        ///////////////
>                     ////////////////////
>                    ///////////////////////
>                  -~////////////////////////
>                -~o /////////////////////////
>             .-~     ////////////////////////
>            @ _ _ _ _ _/////////////////////
>                        '''         '''

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think so, but I'm not taking any chances.
}
}                         |    |
}                         V    V
}
}                          ______
}                          |    |
}                   ____________________
}                  /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\
}                 /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\
}                /XXXXXXX 16 tons XXXXXXXX\
}               /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\    sssQUELTCH!!
}              /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\
}           ~  -------------------------------
}    @ _ /\_ _ _/////////////////////////////////////
}        Ooomph      ,,,                  ,,,
}
} You owe the Oracle a pulley and a dustpan and brush.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org