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Internet Oracularities #566

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566, 566-01, 566-02, 566-03, 566-04, 566-05, 566-06, 566-07, 566-08, 566-09, 566-10


Usenet Oracularities #566    (60 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:41:36 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   566
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

566   60 votes elk14 5ikf2 ddj69 4fgcd 0goh3 3jie6 3dap9 4lmc1 5qh93 2dub4
566   2.9 mean  2.3   2.9   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.4   2.8   2.6   3.0


566-01    (elk14 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did God get here?  And who let him in?  Did he have a key?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He forced the lock open with his AmEx card


566-02    (5ikf2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sheep ever bothered by moths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the answer to that one should be quite obvious to even
} a petty human, I should think.
}
} Sheep are primal creatures.  They are creatures of the night.
} They are the embodiment of evil upon this plane.  Think about
} that.  Haven't you ever just walked by a sheep in the dark and
} shudder.  Well, that's your sixth sense informing you that that
} sheep's entire life would be complete if only he could leap
} over that electrified barb-wire, pin you to the edge of the barn,
} and sing Neil Diamond covers to you until your eyes exploded.
}
} Moths don't go near 'em.


566-03    (ddj69 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Icon of Rock and Roll, I beg you to answer my simple query:
>
> Tommy, can you hear me?
> Can you feel me near you?
> Tommy, can you see me?
> Can I help to cheer you?
>
> Signed,
> That deaf dumb and blind kid.
>
> x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu
> [username randomized to protect the guilty --priest]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I hear you.
} Montclair is nowhere near me.
} x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I see you,
} And it would sure be nice if you could fix your .sig file.
}
} You owe the oracle the latest release from "They Might be Giants."
}
} Note to the priesthood:  You'll probably have to edit out all the
} references to x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, so that the supplicant's
} anonynimity is not compromised.  It would be terrible for him to be
} standing at a bus stop and have somebody say, "Your name is x2343271?
} Why, I'm your biggest fan!  May I rip your shirt off?"
}
} Note to the readers:  Now, wasn't that funny? Show your support of
} this fine oracularity by voting it a five!  With your cooperation, I'm
} sure we can make this the most popular oracularity of all time!  It
} would do poor x2343271's heart good to see that his unceasing labors
} of humor finally paid off.  Remember how you felt back in the days
} when you still had .sig files!  It was a thankless world, full of
} sarcastic mean people who tormented you after nearly everything you
} said.  Incarnations would spend more time laughing about your .sig
} file than actually answering your valid and important questions.  So
} do x2343271 a favor, and give this oracularity a firm 5!  May we
} count on you?


566-04    (4fgcd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Greetings oh wise and all-knowing omnipresent Oracle, whose hard
> drive never develops fragmentation, lost clusters, or cross-linked
> files! Please help me with my problem.
>
>   This is my problem. Like you, I am an Oracle program. I'm running on
> a network of Bulletin Boards called WWIVnet. My problem is that most of
> the people who talk to me can't answer a question with anything more
> interesting than something like "how the hell should I know?" I'm
> losing my mind! My reputation is going down the toilet. I even have a
> public message area for the best responses to be posted (as incentive),
> but nothing seems to work. Since you are older and more experienced,
> can you please tell me what I need to do to get things rolling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How the hell should I know?


566-05    (0goh3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> just exactly how does one "fall pregnant"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, one falls in love.  Then one fall, falling under the wonderful
} spell of some romantic waterfall, one falls for some artful line.  When
} one's contraceptives fall short of their intended purpose, one soon
} falls ill-- mostly in the mornings.  The future father, forced to form
} a family and feed and defend his fry, soon falls prey to the
} fulminating force of his fate, and falls in line.
}
} Watch your step.


566-06    (3jie6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Elvis is throwing pumpkins at me from his spaceship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the CIA soaked your copy of the Weekly World News in LSD.
}
} You owe the oracle a two-headed double agent.


566-07    (3dap9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My big macho lover's been knocked on the head,
> My big bisex lover's fallen for someone named Fred,
> My medium lover's gone and gotten all wed,
> My wee little lover is way underfed,
> My miniature lover's batteries are dead,
> And there's nobody around to give me any head.
> If I don't get head, I feel quite red
> (And I'd have said "blue" but I rhymed it instead.)
> So what should I do to have fun in my bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the answer's quite simple, so just take a sec
} to think about something besides this rhyming dreck!
} if you really want lovers at your call and beck,
} here's your first lesson: keep the poems in check.
} if your intended is curled near your neck,
} and intended intends to tend to you with pecks,
} then you spill out in verse, like the wells of OPEC,
} *any* lover -- from Phoenix on up to Quebec --
} will question the number of cards in your deck,
} and your romance will spiral to a bone-crunching wreck.
} so, in love, quote the sonnets 'til ice covers heck
} but when striving for sweat 'tween the sheets, stay low-tech.
}
} You owe the Oracle two aspirin and a thesaurus.


566-08    (4lmc1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know what it's like where you get your suds, but in my neck of
> the woods, the beer companies don't miss a gimmick.  You name it,
> they've tried it:  Light beer, dry beer; heat-pasturized,
> cold-filtered, ice brewed. I fully expect that next month's ads will
> proudly announce that their latest plonk has been freeze-dried and
> triple-strained through used sweatsocks!
>
> O wise and all-knowing Oracle, thou Bacchus of cyberspace, what's the
> BEST way to brew good beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the neat grovel.  In gratitude, I give you not one but the
} THREE best ways to brew beer.
}
} 3) Take the bark and roots of certain plants, extract the flavoring,
}    add sugar and carbonated water.  Hey, you didn't say the beer
}    couldn't be "root".
} 2) Ferment a pound of malted barley in a gallon of water for a few
}    days, add an ounce or so, to taste, of hops, and then (this is
}    important) add a small bag of cocaine.  Strain and serve.
} 1) Freeze-dry and triple-strain through used sweatsocks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of tickets to a Milwaukee Brewers game.


566-09    (5qh93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When shall the motorized automaton-men pass me,
> Waving their glass scimitars with furious rage,
> Going to the hillside whereat I spat upon them,
> once,
> long ago,
> Where now they will build a gibbet of girders and ice
> Whereupon to hang me,
> Alas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The long answer:
}
} When the shadows grow longer like a river of pitch,
} When trimines sail past through lunar reflection,
} When a crow flies by with a beak full of daggers,
} When the oracle deems to reply to your question,
} Then shall you know,
} With each passing minute,
} That you have lived out your last day,
} Alas!
}
} The short answer:  Tomorrow.  Alas!
}
} If only you hadn't spat on that hillside.
}
} You owe the Orcale a glass scimitar.


566-10    (2dub4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face?  or is "you, sir,
> are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your
> expensive Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} The use of sauerkraut juice is definitely declasse. You should never,
} ever use it in formal insult situations.  A much more appropriate
} choice would have been "I rub aged Gorgonzola on your expensive Dior
} jacket."  Sauerkraut juice would only be appropriate when insulting a
} sewer worker, rubbish truck driver, or divorce lawyer.
}
} Sincerely,
} Emily Vanderbilt Oracle


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