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Internet Oracularities #567

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Usenet Oracularities #567    (57 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 11:28:41 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   567
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

567   57 votes 7bdec 4mhb3 5lp42 all41 6bfh8 7km80 aog61 aacdc gega1 8arc0
567   2.7 mean  3.2   2.8   2.6   2.4   3.2   2.5   2.4   3.1   2.4   2.8


567-01    (7bdec dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish I had a scroll.  How could I get one, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ghost of the Senator points at the refrigerator and vanishes!
} > open refrigerator
} You stagger from the stench...
} There is an open refrigerator here.  Small green things are scurrying
} from the crisper and running for freedom.
} There is a scroll in the refrigerator.
} A small green thing chews on your liver.
} > get scroll
} Taken.
} A small green thing chews on your liver.
} > south
} You are in the hallway of a house devastated by atomic warfare.
} There is a child-sized skeleton here.
} A small green thing chews on your liver.
} > south
} You are in the foyer of a house devastated by atomic warfare.
} There is the mutilated corpse of a young woman here.
} A small green thing chews on your liver.  You are very weak.
} > south
} You are outside a house devastated by atomic warfare.  You can see the
} charred stump of the Washington Monument to the south.  To the east is
} a jumble of the dead and dying.  To the west is a six-legged
} eighteen-toed killer sloth.
} A small green thing chews on your liver.  You are very weak.
} > read scroll
} The scroll reads:
}
} Amendment 34: Wheras the voting process is a time consuming and
} inefficient means to determine which candidate has greater exposure;
} BE IT RESOLVED: elected officials shall be selected based on the total
} cash sum of money expended on their campaigns.
}
} Amendment 35: Wheras the provisions of Civil Rights legislation do not
} accurately reflect the natural division among the races; BE IT
} RESOLVED: the franchise will be limited to landowning white males over
} the age of 35.
}
} Amendment 36: Wheras crime threatens every American, and wheras the
} law enforcement officers of America are artificially hampered by
} various "allowable evidence" statutes; BE IT RESOLVED: all evidence
} will be admissible in a court of law.
}
} Amendment 37: Wheras abortion is murder; BE IT RESOLVED: abortion is
} forbidden.
}
} Amendment 38: Wheras--
}
} The small green thing has entirely consumed your liver.  You cannot
} continue reading.
}
}                     * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * *
}
} Your score is 85 out of a possible 100.
}
} <iuvax> 2485724 ~% mail gaia@biosphere.earth.org
} Subject: New high score!
}       Well, I got 85-- a personal best for me, at least!  What a
} game!  I really should get some sleep now... but maybe I'll try one
} more time.                :-)                            -Orrie
} ^D
} <iuvax> 2485725 ~% !h
} helms_in_1996
}
} You are in your cube at work.
} Suddenly, there is a blinding flash!
} > kiss ass goodbye


567-02    (4mhb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a god, and if so, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, of course there is a god.  There are several, actually.  I hired
} them myself.  You see, being All-Powerful, All-Knowing, etc, etc,
} *is* a great gig.. don't get me wrong.  But there are so many of you
} mortals out there who seek my guidance that, although I act
} effortlessly, unconsciously, and instantaneously, I still don't get
} all the free time I'd like for my hobbies.  So I hired these gods.
} I handle the fun stuff--enlightening lowly supplicants like you, and
} occasionally performing the odd miracle.  They take care of the
} drudgeries.. running the seasons, cleaning the place, doing errands
} and handling requests and complaints.  Great job if you can get it,
} actually.  Benefits include immortality, free room and board in one of
} several paradise-like locales, great power, and every seventh day off.
}
} Don't bother to apply.


567-03    (5lp42 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Benevolent and Charitable Oracle, please tell your humble
> servant: how can I, being but one person, make a difference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Well, it depends what you mean by difference.  If you mean a
} difference _engine_, then Charles Babbage can help you.  On the other
} hand, if you are looking to just make a general difference to the
} _world_, then then there are many possibilities.
}
} The easiest is simply to destroy the world.  To do this, all you have
} to do is re-awaken cthulhu.  Go and find a woodchuck by the name of
} "Woody"--you will know him by his dark glasses and fur--and he will
} give you the last surviving copy of the Necromanium.
}
} If you don't like this idea, how about simply blowing up Cleveland?
} This will make you an instant folk hero.  All you have to do is break
} into the armys computers and launch an ICBM.  Try telneting to
} bombyou.mil, log in guest, password guest.
}
} Failing all these, why not simply go out and indulge in large amounts
} of wine, women and song, and make a lot of vinters, birth-control
} vendors and cooks very happy?


567-04    (all41 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this strange compulsion to call the oracle "Senator."  Can you
> tell me why, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} COUNCIL           : Move to have the question struck from the record.
} SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Sustained.
} SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Mr. Chairman, I believe the American people have a
}                     right to know who or what this entity is that has
}                     replaced the late Senator Lugar.
} SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Senator Mugspleen, please rephrase the question.
} SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Are you or are you not the Usenet Oracle, Senator?
} SENATOR LUGAR     : You didn't grovel.  Zot!  Heh heh.  No, but
}                     seriously, I am not the Usenet Oracle.  Nope, nope,
}                     nope.  Just a li'l ol' Hoosier who done good.
} SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Then how do you explain the fact that a head
}                     appearing to be that of Senator Lugar was found in
}                     Sock's water bowl this morning?
} SENATOR LUGAR     : On the advice of my council, I--
} SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Never mind, Senator.
} SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Are we quite through, gentlemen?  Senator Lugar has
}                     Senate Foreign Relations committee meeting to
}                     chair.
} SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : I have no further questions.
}                               . . .
}
} "All right, kids, let's talk Germany and Japan.  As I see it, we're
} looking at nerve gas or neutron bombs.  Anybody have a preference?"


567-05    (6bfh8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have a little problem which maybe you could help me
> with.  A 5' 3/4" problem, to be specific.  She is an insatiable
> sex-tiger with an incredible great body, soft and warm and with
> megaheaps of sexual energy. We've spent the last hour in bed together,
> making fantastic love, in three different positions.  She must have
> come a dozen times before I did.  I've got a problem though.  I can't
> repeat this performance more than five or six times a day, tops, but
> she's so insatiable that she'll want it at least twelve times.  What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Send her to me.


567-06    (7km80 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Strange and Mighty, or Mighty Strange,
>
>       Did Jessie Helms really ask a Clinton appointee whether she
> belonged to the "Monnet" Society, meaning to refer to the painter
> Claude Monet?  If so, has he simply killed off the majority of his
> brian cells with subsidized tobacco or what?
>
>                                       Signed, Art Lover

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, Helms meant "monied society": he wanted to know if she was
} rich. Conservative populists like Helms like bashing well-to-do
} liberals; they can tell their poorish constituents that the top
} liberals are all rich elitist snobs who don't understand the Average
} Working American.
}
} Brian cells like subsidized tobacco.  It's Fred cells that are likely
} to be killed by it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a culture of Jim cells and a carton of Camels.


567-07    (aog61 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PROTOCOL: Duquesne strides in, a manful expression on his/her face, and
> a tin hat on his/her head.  He/she flings a heap of sticks down in
> front of your feet, and falls to the ground sobbing.
>
> QUESTION: Why are these trees red?
>
> CODA: Duquesne thrashes about on the floor, sobbing tears which etch
> the marble, waiting for your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PREAMBLE: The Oracle, not amused, flicks his finger causing a mighty
} ZOT to melt Duquesne into a puddle.
}
} ANSWER: Because I ran out of green and brown.
}
} PAYMENT: You owe the Oracle a can of green paint.


567-08    (aacdc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most all knowing, who knows where all my socks are,
> and my lost watch, and my dog, and mom, I eagerly beseech
> your wisdom and cunning grasp of the patently obvious!
>
> I am considering the following letter to my coworker.
> What do you think? What should I do?
>
> Happy:
>
> All you ever do is work work work.  You're no fun at all.
> And you whistle.
> All you ever do when you work work work is whistle whistle whistle.
> Whistle work whistle work whistle work work!
> Work and whistle, whistle and work!
> Whistle whistle whistle!
> Whistle whistle work work
> Work work whistle whistle
> whistle work whistle work whistle whistle work!
>
> It's enough to make me bonkers.
>
> And you'd like that, wouldn't you?
>
>            Grumpy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is all very ironic...
} Around the same time I received your message, I also received a
} simmilar message from Happy who was also considering sending you a
} letter...
}
}  Dear Grumpy,
}
} All you do is bitch bitch bitch. You are a major piss-off.
} And you smell.
} Bitch bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine!
} That's all you f#cking do!
} I tell you something, you try being me...
}  Do you think I like acting like Shirley Temple on Crack?
}  No F#CKING way!!!!  I picked the short straw, and got the 'Happy' part!
} To tell you the truth, it's driving me F#cking nuts!!!
} The only pleasure I get is pissing you off!!!
} Tell you what, Now I'm not going to only whistle when I work,
}   IM BRINGING A F#CKING ACCORDIAN!!!
} HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU SOUR, RAGGED ASS PEE-ON!!
} And tell you what else, You say one f#cking word, ONE F#CKING
} WORD!!!... and I'll cut your shriveled Grumpy nuts off with my Pick ax!!
}
}  That'll give you something really to complain about!!!
}
}  Biding my time until that day,
}
}  Happy.
}
} Grumpy, If I were you, I'd consider spending some time hiding out in
} the forest.
}
} You owe the oracle a leg of mutton and some JD to wash it down.


567-09    (gega1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, mighty, powerfull, abundant, glorious, etc. Oracle! Please
> answer me this question:
>
> Why do lemmings jump off cliffs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you write to the Oracle?
}
} You owe the Oracle a lemming coat.


567-10    (8arc0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Alberta de Rossolini?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A major 18th century Italian pasta manufacturer, who went by the name
} of 'Alberta', developed a new type of pasta. Considering macaroni,
} tortellini, and all the other established shapes to be 'far too
} boring', Alberta developed a totally new concept in pasta - Rossolini.
}
} Rossolini were large tubes of pasta with one end open, filled with a
} mixture of cabbage, bananas and sparrow intestines, or 'rossol' in
} Italian. The addition of the ubiquitous 'ini' suffix produced the
} new taste sensation, 'rossolini'. The sales were slow at first, but
} then picked up as Italian high society discovered the product. After
} a few months, however, Alberta fell into the mixing vats and was
} ground up and inadvertedly inserted into her own pasta tubes as part
} of the rossol.
}
} So, Alberta was soon dubbed 'Alberta di Rossolini', or 'Alberta, you
} know, the one who became as of rossol'. Over the years, 'di' has
} been corrupted to 'de', but the story remains the same.
}
} So, Alberta de Rossolini is a term which can be applied to any
} entrepreneur who literally throws themself into the development of
} their product.
}
} You owe the Oracle a biographical dictionary.


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