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Internet Oracularities #568

Goto:
568, 568-01, 568-02, 568-03, 568-04, 568-05, 568-06, 568-07, 568-08, 568-09, 568-10


Usenet Oracularities #568    (57 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:16:12 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   568
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

568   57 votes 8jjb0 5dje6 5lcd6 1gpc3 27oi6 ahka0 c8if4 dgbb6 chi82 24jma
568   2.9 mean  2.6   3.1   2.9   3.0   3.3   2.5   2.8   2.7   2.5   3.6


568-01    (8jjb0 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Top Ten List Time!  What are the ten most unpopular subjects for top
> ten lists?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten list of the most unpopular subjects for top ten lists:
}
} 10. best dreams you never had
} 9. colors of the sky
} 8. favorite medieval torture instruments
} 7. most uncommon parachute malfunctions
} 6. top ten electric chair manufacturers
} 5. favorite intestinal parasite
} 4. best times to crash your computer
} 3. worst places to get a thorn stuck in you
} 2. best places to get bitten by sharks
} 1. most unpopular subjects for top ten lists
}
} And the most *popular* subject: top ten list of things to give the
} Oracle. You owe the Oracle #1 (the universe).


568-02    (5dje6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose pick-up lines are so smooth that, were they a
> floor-covering, nor even the most agile cat in the world could stay
> upright on them (at least, when Lisa's not around), I was wondering,
>       Let's say I was talking to this beautiful young woman--chatting
> her up, as it were.  Unfortunately, I wasn't quite listening closely
> enough when she mentioned her anme, because I was checking out her
> body.  Now, along comes my ex-girlfriend, who (IMHO) is also very
> attractive, and (smelling a chance to make trouble) gives me a big
> hug and kiss, and then asks to be introduced. What should I have done,
> instead of the exceedingly humiliating events that occurred?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the sake of clarity, let's call your new spark Agatha, your old
} flame Hattie, and your charred remains Toby.
}
} Hattie: Why, Toby, who is this *charming* young lady you are taking
} to?
}
} Toby:  O my lotus flower who grows on a hillside!  [Kisses Hattie
} again]
}
} Agatha:  Well, I see now that I am redundant, so --
}
} Toby:  No!  Don't go, O rain who causes the desert flower to blossom!
}
} Agatha:  Why, Toby!
}
} Toby:  No!  Don't call me Toby; call me Deer Who Runs Through the
} Forest in Search of a Meadow to Call Home!  Lotus Flower Who Grows on
} a Hillside, this is Rain that Causes the Desert Flower to Blossom.
} Rain that Causes the Desert Flower to Blossom, meet Lotus Flower Who
} Grows on A Hillside.
}
} Hattie:  You can call me "Lote."
}
} Agatha:  Oh, I get it!  You were so busy staring at my body that you
} don't even care what my name is!  [Slaps Toby on the cheek hard enough
} to knock a few teeth out.  Leaves in a huff.]
}
} Hattie:  So this is how you get your jollies nowdays, huh?  [Knees
} Toby in the groin.  This wouldn't have hurt so much if Hattie hadn't
} been wearing her spiked skirt.  Leaves in a huff.]
}
} Well, I know it leaves a bit to be desired, but, hey!  It's better
} than what actually happened, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a butterfly who flits through the garden of peace
} and tranquility.  Mine is getting worn.


568-03    (5lcd6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
>
> Does the sun ever shine in Terre Haute, IN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not.  The elevation is above the level at which
} Phoebus drives his golden chariot, and therefore Terre Haute
} ( French for "high ground" ) suffers from a permanent
} self-eclipse of the sun.
}
} When your friends tell you to stick it "where the Sun never
} shines," Terre Haute is where they mean.


568-04    (1gpc3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   What is the name of my wife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the problem with you humans, you see everything so one-sidedly.
} You'll probably be content calling her Greta for the rest of your
} lives, when instead you can get her all exited if you called her "Love
} Mittens" or "Pleasure Squigglies" or "Leather Mistress Mama." Instead
} every night it'll be "Goodnight Greta, sleep well, Greta." Well no
} wonder she always has a headache! If you said "Goodnight, you Hot
} Seething Nest of Womanly Rapture," then maybe the spark would be back
} in your marriage. But instead, you call her by her boring mundane name,
} and then you even forget what it is and ask me! Try out some new name
} on her, and see what comes of it. You may be surprised.
}
} P.S. Don't use "Rancid Peanut Oil Breath" or "Slug Pee."
}
} You owe the Oracle a billion dollars.


568-05    (27oi6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I fill a beer bottle with shiny black snakes and mail it to
> Detroit, I get this very strange and unpleasant tingling sensation in
> my left big toe. Any idea why this happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle ponders for a minute, looking at the supplicant's strange
} and seemingly incoherent question.
}
} "I wonder," he says, then fades off.
}
} Switching to a different terminal, he types in a short mail message,
} sends it, then taps his foot impatently until it returns.
}
} The message is anonymous, and even lacks a path trace.  It consists of
} one line: 'In case of Snakebite, call Mr. Urce.'
}
} "Dammit," he mutters, "who the hell is Urce?  And how am I supposed to
} call him?"
}
} He taps a few more lines on the terminal.  A hundred thousand names
} swim by.
}
} "I'm not calling every Urce in the book... why didn't they give me a
} phone number?  Bloody paranoid bastards... if they want my help, they
} should trust..."
}
} He looks at the message again.
}
} "Phone number?  Urce?  U. R. C. E.  Maybe...  Hmm.  U is 0x55, R is
} 0x52...  55-52-43-45?  555-2434?  Those are fake numbers used on
} television...  I wonder."
}
} The Oracle picks up a phone and dials.
}
} <Which department, please?>
}
} "Snakebites."
}
} <I don't have a listing for snakebites, sir.  Do you have an
} extension?>
}
} "Um, extension... 5?"
}
} <I'll connect you through, sir.>
}
} Pause.
}
} <Mail room.>
}
} The Oracle snaps his fingers in glee.  "Yes.  I'd like to report a
} snakebite."
}
} <In Detroit?>
}
} "Yes.  Shiny black snakes."
}
} <Do you have the victim's name?>
}
} "No, but I have an e-mail address.  It's xxxx@Xxxxxxx.Xxxxx.XXX"
}
} <Thank you, sir.>
}
} The line goes dead.  The Oracle leans back in his chair, knowing that
} he did his part.
}                             *   *   *
}
}               MYSTERIOUS MURDER STILL BAFFLES POLICE
}
}               Police are still scratching their heads
}               over yesterday's murder of a disturbed
}               man.
}
}               "Well," said Police Chief Goetz, "I
}               can't figure it out.  He had no enemies,
}               except if you count the Detroit Post
}               Office, which had been receiving daily
}               shipments of squirming black snakes
}               placed in beer bottles."
}
}               The victim, says friends and neighbors,
}               did this to make his toes tingle, which
}               he found unpleasant, which made many
}               wonder why he kept doing it.
}
}               "He was just a harmless eccentric,"
}               remarked one neighbor, who wished to
}               remain anonymous.
}
}               What is most puzzling about the case is
}               the way the victim was killed.
}
}               "He was literally smothered in layers of
}               postage stamps.  A horribly sticky way
}               to go," said Goetz.
}
} Remember kids:  Don't mess with the Post Office Intelligence Agency.
}
} You owe the Oracle a a beer bottle filled with shiny black snakes.


568-06    (ahka0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Delightful and delectable Oracle, how many supplicants does it take
> to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one; the problem is someone within a few days unscrews the new one
} and hands it back to him.
}
} <Rimshot>
}
} You owe the Oracle a slot on The Tonight Show with David Letterman.
} (You may have to enter an alternate universe to do that.)


568-07    (c8if4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much egg could an eggplant plant if an eggplant could plant egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An eggplant would plant Chuck while Chuck chucks wood to a woodchuck
} chucking eggs. Eggs chucking woodchucks to eggplants would plant eggs,
} Chuck. Would Chuck upchuck eggs? Chuck would upchuck eggplant and plant
} eggs in woodchuck upchuck if a woodchuck would upchuck in an eggplant
} plant. Would eggs plant Chuck? Chuck planted his chucks in the wood and
} chucked plants at eggs the woodchuck chucked, but the woodchuck planted
} Chuck's eggs in Chuck upchuck, and Chuck eggplants would chuck Chuck if
} Chuck planted Chuck eggplants, but the woodchuck planted Chuck
} eggplants, so Chuck eggplants would chuck the woodchuck. Chuck ducked.
} The woodchuck was chucked into Chuck, but since Chuck ducked, Chuck
} eggplants chucked the woodchuck into a wood chuck, and the woodchuck
} was chucked like wood in the woodchuck, and Chuck won. Then end. Leave
} me alone!


568-08    (dgbb6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is IBM going down the tubes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the EPA kept it out of the sewer system.


568-09    (chi82 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    renruT deT a naht neve rehtraf sechaer modsiw esohw ,elcarO ythgiM O
>    efas yllatnemnorivne na ekil senihs ecneloveneb esohw ,krowten elbac
>         :lliw uoy fi ,tnacilppuS elbmuh siht ,em llet ,pmal cra negolah
>
> od ot gnihtyna evah ti seoD  ?ddo os mees em dnuora gnihtyreve seod yhW
>                        ?deb eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu gnitteg ym htiw
>
>                                                           ,sruoY ylbmuH
>                                                           tnacilppuS .A

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TsittaaeaeetpltfaevnpYertesgrnrlelneiarwbewhhtpderieoset
} hwehtntqliEeeeipbletaoakrbtekomirotlnsloeriethwnrstbmeto
} eeseettueniicqorlaqucuqiaurqhcIceooogseurstrbeooeehoYean
} arimrieintnniunoytumesusntauahfetktoghfleehiututvdtto?f.
} nlna-mrvchssaaobriasseasganasaAwoihkletdvdtgtolbewhtuGu
}
} You owe the Oracle a Klein bottle that doesn't leak.


568-10    (24jma dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there a dead bishop on the landing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God: Knight to a seedy casino in Morocco. Check.
} Satan: Bull! That knight wasn't there before! You moved it when I
}   wasn't looking!
} God: Did not!
} Satan: Did SO!
} God: Did not times infinity.
} Satan: Oh, okay. Bishop to downtown Moscow. That blocks it. Nyah.
} God: That bishop was in Colorado before!
} Satan: So?
} God: You can't move a bishop from a white square to a Red Square!
} Satan: Oh, curses! I can't get ANYTHING by you!
} God: Just move, will ya?
} Satan: Bishop to the landing behind an apartment building in Fresno.
} God: Ah! Rook captures bishop on the landing. Checkmate!
} Satan: Ah, spit. You win again. Man. How many does that make for you?
} God: Hmmm...forces of Good - 1,979,231,741 , forces of Evil -
}   1,979,104,002.
} Satan: I can still catch up. Set 'em up, freak.
}
} Meanwhile, behind an apartment building in Fresno, California, Bishop
} Ned, after buzzing the doorbell of his friend in 787B and receiving no
} answer, climbs the fire escape to the seventh floor, and peers into the
} back window. Suddenly, a black bird swoops down from nowhere, and
} begins to attack the bishop violently. Bishop Ned flails his arms
} wildly in self-defense, but to no avail - the bird pecks his eyes out,
} and leaves him dead on the landing.
}
} The man in 786A, two doors down, does not arrive to aid the bishop in
} time (seven hours later, actually). His eyes behold the terrible,
} puzzling sight, and he is stricken with fear and confusion. He sits
} down at his computer and writes the Oracle, asking "Why is there a dead
} bishop on the landing?"
}
} He receives a reply.
} "God: Knight to a seedy casino in Morocco. Check."
} "Satan: Bull!......."


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