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Internet Oracularities #57

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57, 57-01, 57-02, 57-03, 57-04, 57-05, 57-06, 57-07, 57-08, 57-09, 57-10


Usenet Oracularities #57
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Nov 89 14:20:35 GMT

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57-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Simon Wagstaff, what was his Primal Question, and why did he love
> Chworktap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Simon Wagstaff was the originator of the counterculture known
} collectively as the "nerds".  His brilliance was incredible, but his
} usefulness was little.  He pioneered the now well-known nerd symbols of
} the too long belt, the pocket protector, the really ugly glasses, and
} the terminal hunch (from bending over in front of a computer terminal --
} in his case, a card puncher).
}
}   His primal question is the same one that is still asked today by
} computer geeks everywhere -- "Why did it crash?!?  I FIXED that line!!"
}
}   Chworktop!  That's a sad story.  Simon, after a long time of puncging
} cards into FORTRAN programs, finally got the use of his first CRT
} terminal, a Chworktop CRTstation (it was a gift from the company that
} made the punch cards because he was their biggest customer); and
} proceeded to spend a week in front of it, eating nothing but Coca-Cola
} and the occasioonal Pizza slice; when it blew a fuse.  Some say that he
} saw something on the screen before the fuse went; but the concensus is
} that the overload of computing and Coca-cola caused his fatal stroke at
} the age of fourteen.
}
}   Sniff.
}
}   You owe the Oracle two hours in front of a VT220.


57-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What am I thinking right now?  What answer do I expect from the Oracle
> (hint: these are not the same)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you test the Oracle in such a fashion!  I do not exist to play
} such foolish parlor games with the likes of you!  I am here to enlighten
} the people who ask meaningful questions.  But in order to please you,
} you sniveling, worthless piece of lark's vomit, here is your answer:
}
} Right now you are worrying about whether or not the anonymous posting
} service stripped the header from the letter you sent to alt.sex.bondage.
}
} You expect me to say that you are thinking of Lisa entering the door to
} your left and sitting down on your lap and starting to massage your
} chest over and over, thon slowly moving down your torso until finally
} she takes hold of your...  ah, well, you get the picture.
}
} You owe the oracle $.25.


57-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH!  I've just
> spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED
> across the median onto the opposing lanes!  CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING
> AT ME AT 80 MPH!
>                    HELP!  QUICK!!  WHAT SHOULD I DO????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop typing and assume crash postions.


57-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is at the beginning of every youth, the center of every eye, and
> the end of every day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The letter "y."  My, aren't you clever!
}
} Actually, the best answer is "a blob of slime."  Think about it.


57-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When they say "It's not over 'till the fat lady sings", are they
> referring specifically to Tammy Faye Bakker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The original fat lady, who inspired this saying, was named Olga
} Hustenwaffle, and sang for the Indiapolis Metropolitan Opera from 1923
} to 1951.
}
} Now that the lovely Tammy Faye's hubby is incarcerated, she actually has
} been considering a career in opera or entertainment.  Next year she will
} tour the US, playing "Magenta" in the stage version of the Rocky Horror
} Picture Show.  After a stint at the Detroit Opera, she will abandon the
} stage to replace Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show.
}
} The ultimate singing fat lady is Ethel Murmen, who is actually not a fat
} lady at all, but an incarnation of Vishnu, the destroyer.  Better take
} cover when she starts singing to end the show!


57-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I meet beautiful women who will come toed with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of the time, I don't think there ever is a problem with women going
} anywhere toed.  I think your best bet is that you make sure the women
} still have toes when they go out with you.
}
} You owe the oracle a collection of Lee Press-On Nails.


57-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, I'm a rather rude and crude kind of guy, and there's not much I
> like better than some rather raw and pretty offensive reading material.
> But I'm also working towards a Ph.  D.  in English Literature, and so I
> get to understand peoples' writing styles pretty well.  And there are
> some pretty marvelous coincidences going down here.  Like, a guy who
> writes very much like Ronald Reagan wrote a series of books about a girl
> named Beth Bopper in 1950-52, six not particularly good books with lots
> of explicit sex.  Is it really Ronny, and if so, how much of his
> campaign fund was supported by pornography?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refuses to Answer on the grounds that the Oracle may
}         Incriminate It's Oracular Self!
}
} You owe the Anonymous Oracle all the evidence you have accumulated.


57-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ``Boom boom, out go the lights!''

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
}
} This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  Had this been
} an an actual emergency, you would have heard many large explosions.


57-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extermely
} flattered and If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much.  My
} address is:
}
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC
}
} Ask for Mr.  B, they'll know who you mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.


57-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are women so difficult to understand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, son, women are fundamentally different from us men.  It's futile
} trying to understand them - the differences are biological and innate.
} A woman will never appreciate how totally hilarious the Three Stooges
} are, or why tofu is unfit for human consumption, or what the blue line
} in hockey is for (though, just between us, the Oracle has always had
} trouble with this too).  How could we really understand someone with the
} ability to remember where the packing tape is stored, 5 years after it
} was put away?  (Men actually have abilities like this in latent form,
} but they are suppressed by testosterone poisoning).  So give it up.
}
} By the way, son, be careful about these questions.  It's only luck the
} Oracle caught this before Mrs.  Oracle had time to open the E-mail.  If
} she sees this, your female acquaintances would hear about it fast.


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