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Internet Oracularities #570

Goto:
570, 570-01, 570-02, 570-03, 570-04, 570-05, 570-06, 570-07, 570-08, 570-09, 570-10


Usenet Oracularities #570    (54 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1993 18:28:48 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   570
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

570   54 votes om611 8sa53 0fmd4 am9c1 4bjd7 4jm81 7bgb9 6bjc6 3eo85 mka20
570   2.6 mean  1.8   2.4   3.1   2.5   3.1   2.7   3.1   3.0   3.0   1.9


570-01    (om611 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whoever reads this can they mail SHARNM@MOLGAGNAR.AC.UK please.
>
> I want international stardom !
>
> [The mail address has been randomized. -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >mail forwarded to LMAIL@INDIANA
} >no active path to Indiana is available
}
} >mail forwarded to MAILER@ORACLE
} >no active path to Oracle is available
}
} >mail forwarded to MAILER@ZEUS
} >no active path to Zeus is available
}
} >mail forwarded to MAILER@THOR
} >no active path to Thor is available
}
} >mail forwarded to STMP@BUDDHA
} >No active path to Buddha is available
}
} >mail forwarded to MAILER@CLINTON.WHITEHOUSE
} >No active path to Clinton.Whitehouse is available
}
} >Mail forwarded MAILER@GORE.WHITEHOUSE
} >No active path to Gore.Whitehouse is available
}
} >Mail forwarded to MAILER@BUSH.CIA.WHITEHOUSE.TOP.SECRET
} > No active path to Bush.CIA.Whitehouse.Top.Secret is available
}
} >Mail forwarded to YELTSIN@WHATEVERS.LEFT.OF.USSR
} >No active path to Whatevers.left.of.ussr is available
}
} >Mail forwarded to ANYONE@FORMER.YUGOSLAVIA.REPUBLIC
} >No active path to Former.Yugoslavia.Republic is available
}
} >Mail forwarded to WOODCHUCK@WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK
} >Mail sent to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK
} >Mail delivered to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK
} >Mail received by WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK
} >Entering system WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK
} >Enter Password
} >Password incorrect
} >Enter Passowrd
} >Password incorrect
} >Enter Password
} >Password incorrect
} >Send query
} >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
} >No response
} >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
} >No response
} >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
} >No response
} >System error
} >Query will be sent again at 5 minute intervals until user system is
} fuctioning properly and able to respond
} >Begin loop
} >How much wood...


570-02    (8sa53 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and glorious Oracle who's aura is more blinding than the
> brightest sun.
>
> Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and tell
> me she will be with me soon after I am spurned by other more coporeal
> women is real and I am experince a psychic phenomena or am I just
> deluding myslef?
>
> Loveconfused in the rockies

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I think a more appropriate question would be as to whether that
} talking giant kumquat you've been seeing is really telling you to give
} up your membership in the 80-column Club or not, and believe me, he is.
}  Or at least he should.  Boy, howdy.
}
} "Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and
} tell me shl ..." indeed.
}
}       But the Oracle does not need you to be coherent to know what you
} mean! On the contrary!  Supplicants are de facto INcoherent, as was
} proven by Sir Isaac Oracle in 1532:
}
} Theorem: Supplicants are incoherent, rambling toads.
} Proof: Aw, c'mon!  Proof by observation!
} QED.
}
}       In any event, the answer to your query is that the vision is not
} a psychic phenomena, in that it is only one, and yes, you are deluding
} yourself. On the other hand, that kumquat is real.  The Oracle suggests
} you listen to it.
}
}       You owe the Oracle an abacus.


570-03    (0fmd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle...               ____
>                                 /.../\
> My three year old daughter     /.../##\
> was playing with her Legos    /.../####\
> the other day and she        /.../######\
> handed me this thing        /.../###/\###\
> that she made.  Every      /.../###/  \###\    I have enclosed an
> time I look at it or      /.../###/\   \###\    illustration.  Can
> try to figure out how    /.../###/  \   \###\    you explain this
> she put it together     /.../###/    \   \###\    phenomena to me,
> I get this royal       /.../###/      \   \###\    please?
> headache and I seem   /.../###/        \   \###\
> to see things        /.../###/          \   \###\
> moving in the       /.../###/            \   \###\
> shadows out of     /.../###/______________\   \###\
> the corner of     /........................\   \###\
> my eye.          /..........................\   \###\
>                 -----------------------------    \###/
>                 \                                 \#/
>                  \_________________________________/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my..You've got yourself one BIG problem here!  Do not..I repeat *DO
} NOT* provoke your daughter.  She is one of the few humans alive today
} who are taking the next evolutionary step towards omnipotence!  The
} triangular object she has built is a tool she can use to channel her
} thoughts into pure energy, and destroy anything in her path.  There is
} not much that you can do except be extremely nice to her, give her
} anything she asks for, and above all, stay out of her way.  She will
} undoubtedly be experimenting with her new powers, and you wouldn't want
} to fall victim to one of her sick little experiments!
}
} Be careful, and good luck.
}
} The almighty oracle


570-04    (am9c1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's in the tenth circle of Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes. The tenth circle. So bad that Dante wasn't let
} in. Container of the greatest terror known to thinking
} beings. What is there? W**DCH*CKS!


570-05    (4bjd7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, whose engineering knowledge surpasses all...
>
> When it comes time to demolish the tallest buildings on Earth,
> i.e. the Sears Tower, Empire State Building, CN Tower, World
> Trade Center, etc., demolition experts will be faced with an
> interesting challenge.  In the close confines of a large city
> like NYC, Chicago, or Toronto, just blowing them up could cause
> a few injuries if the building should topple.
>
> So, when and how will these buildings be removed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Empire State Building: Destroyed in 1997, along with the rest of New
} York, by a terrorist atomic bomb.  The leader of the band will release
} a videotape: "This action dramatizes the plight of the Upper Middle
} Southeast Croatians in their generations-long struggle against
} oppression at the hands of the Lower Middle Southeast Croatians."  In
} retribution, America dispatches three platoons of Marines to
} U.M.S.E.C. and wipes out the entire indigenous population,
} slaughtering upwards of 75 people.
}
} Sears Tower: Suffers incremental damage from 2019 through 2032, when
} the last floor is destroyed, finally ending the Sears - K-Mart War.
}
} World Trade Center: Stands until 2243, becoming more and more decrepit
} as supermegawallawallabingbangskyscrapers are built in the new
} Downtown area (that is, Kansas.)  In December 2242, the Greater
} Midwestern Urban Area police post the buildings "condemned", but
} squatters refuse to leave.  Situation comes to a head in August 2243
} during a revival of Spike Lee's "Do The Right Thing"; rioting occurs.
} Population of building is arrested and taken to the Greater Midwestern
} Urban Area Holding Center (that is, Iowa) and the two towers are
} demolished from inside out with quantum black holes.
}
} CN Tower: Come 2043, they just blow it up.  Who cares about a few
} lousy Canadians?


570-06    (4jm81 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, I am truly in a bind!
>
> I am a script writer fot the once almost popular TV series MacGyver and
> I have gotten myself into a snag in the script that would take HOURS to
> rewrite. Can you tell me, gracious Oracle, what incredible and creative
> thin MacGyver can do with a chewy granola bar, a tin of spam, and a
> mo-ped?  Maybe even a few suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You *have* got yourself into a bind, haven't you?  Now, if you
} had only equipped Mac with a *crunchy* granola bar, you'd be
} in business.  Because of course, the Peruvian alpaca absolutely
} dotes on the stuff (make sure it's the kind with no cashews),
} and would migrate many thousands of miles just for a taste.
} And I don't think I have to spell out for you what Mac could
} do with an alpaca and a can of Spam, as the precious seconds
} tick away before the nuclear bomb detonates.  Then when all
} the shouting is over, Mac can run over the alpaca with the
} moped and claim the beast committed suicide.  Get my drift?
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Spam (extra-crispy style).


570-07    (7bgb9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful master of all wisdom, please tell me:
>
>                  Why did the priest cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get a wafer a while.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Host of better answers.


570-08    (6bjc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Not OK.
}
} Here's what is wrong.
}
}   1.  No grovel.  You -really- must grovel.  I cannot help you unless
}       you grovel, because the lack of grovelling puts my head out of
}       joint, and I start doing unproductive things like zotting people
}       or tearing apart their mental fabric by slow degrees.  A good
}       grovel shows not only your high opinion of me, but also your
}       recognition of your EXTREMELY LOW position with respect to me.
}       A superb grovel does all that with flair and creativity.
}
}   2.  No content.  You cannot get an answer if you don't ask anything.
}       Instead you'll get wisecracks, or nothing at all, or (if you're
}       lucky) a lecture like this one.
}
}   3.  Idiocy.  You have revealed your nature as an idiot.  I have no
}       need to deal with idiots at all.  Why don't you just get it over
}       with?  (No, you don't have to answer.  It's a rhetorical
}       question.)
}
}   4.  Presumptiveness.  You have assumed that just because I -can-
}       figure out what your question is, through a simple application
}       of my superb Omniscience, that I would want to bother doing so.
}       Wrong!  You get the lecture instead.
}
} Now go jump off a cliff, and don't send me the cleanup bills, either.


570-09    (3eo85 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh all wise and wonderful, hounour me with an answer so that I
> may sleep again...
>
>         A cat when dropped allways lands on it's feet.
>         a piece of buttered bread when dropped always lands butter side
> down.
>
>         What oh wise and wonderfull would happen if you were to staple
> a piece of bread butter side up to the back of a cat and then drop it?
>
>         Also Oh wise and wonderfull do you feel the hight of the
> building you drop them from is important?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bread will always fall off.  No adhesive or fastener in the
} universe is strong enough to bind a cat to a slice of buttered bread.
}
} The height of the building is only important if you want more than one
} sample data point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of buttered cat.


570-10    (mka20 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose attributes are so wonderful that my humble groveling
> could never adequately describe them (so I'll probably decline ...)
>
> Why is it so hard to work on Fridays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the lures of Saturday are so great!
} It is even sometimes hard to work on Thursdays....


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