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Internet Oracularities #571

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571, 571-01, 571-02, 571-03, 571-04, 571-05, 571-06, 571-07, 571-08, 571-09, 571-10


Usenet Oracularities #571    (58 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1993 12:28:12 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   571
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

571   58 votes ami71 2afjc 4jid4 15lm9 kgh41 3cih8 coj30 7hmb1 defb5 mgf32
571   2.7 mean  2.4   3.5   2.9   3.6   2.1   3.3   2.2   2.7   2.7   2.1


571-01    (ami71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious and galumptious Orrie!!
>
> o good and gracious Oracle, how would the chemical structure of my
> face be altered if it encountered the wheel of a ten-ton truck going
> at about 60 miles per hour ??  Would the barrier of pain be crossed ??
> And more importantly, would the barrier of life be crossed ??
>
> Thanking you o great one in anticipation of your great reply

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unsure. Go try it. Please. Today.


571-02    (2afjc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why aren't we supposed to whiz on the electric fence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you'll get the whiz shocked out of you.
}
} Why, might you ask?
}
} Imagine you were an electron, just dancing and orbiting and minding
} your own business, when somebody came over and whizzed on you. If it
} were in your power, wouldn't YOU summon about 1.6 x 10e19 of your
} friends, and go shock the crap out of somebody? Provided he didn't die
} in the process, the next time he entertained such a crass idea, he'd
} remember that pain in his willie and reconsider. Similarly, don't go
} prodding around in 150KVA transformer cabinets with wire coat hangers:
} electrons don't like being poked at like common zoo animals. They take
} great offense to that. And don't french-kiss a light socket, either:
} electrons aren't comfortable with intimacy, and get hostile when
} exposed to it.
}
} In general, be nice to your electron, and don't piss it off. They're
} great friends to have, but they can be downright nasty enemies, too.
} Whiz only in designated electron-free whizzing areas (public
} lavatories, behind trees, swimming pools). This PSA is brought to you
} by the Usenet Oracle.
}
} You owe me a lamp shaped like a urinal.


571-03    (4jid4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> It was awfully good of you to answer the question about the chicken
> or the egg; even though I didn't ask it, I found the answer in the
> Oracularities to be very informative.
>
> Now _that_ issue is settled, but, O great Oracle whose answers are
> always informative, now I wonder,
>
> which came first, death or taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the great mists in the beginnings of time, first sprung the
} Oracle, then (of course) Shirley MacLane. Unto the Oracle, as in the
} beginning as is now, Shirley became a royal pain-in-the ass. Spake the
} Oracle to her, "Your presence is taxing upon me." Though death would
} befall her many hundreds of times again before this day, Shirley was
} taxing before she was dead and thus taxes indeed came first.


571-04    (15lm9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle most extremely wise!  The Oracle is longer than
> Lazarus Long, and more wonderful to look at than Friday!  Please answer
> this most humble and grovelsome Supplicant's question:
>
> A Wise Man (not as wise as you, Oh Perpetual One!) once wrote that
> Monarchy is based on the idea that one person can govern a million
> people, and that Democracy is based on the idea that a million people
> can govern one person.
>
> Where did we go wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Missed the obvious: anarchy.
}
} Anarchy, like most other worthwhile aspects of modern life,
} (e.g., the piano, Venetian Blinds, gravity, submarines, and pizza)
} was invented by the Italians.
}
} Here's how they do it: they elect a government, and allow it to pass
} all the laws it pleases; then, nobody pays any attention to it.
}
} In that case, you ask, why bother even to have a government?
} The Italians have understood very well, thanks to their long
} history, that there are certain people in every generation who
} simply must legislate. By having a government, they are able to keep
} these people out of trouble. It is more humane than throwing them
} into the booby hatch.
}
} It works very well in practice. For example, when an Italian driver
} comes up to a red light, he says to himself, "I am a human being,
} and that is only a machine -- how dare it tell me to stop?", he
} looks around cautiously and proceeds through the light. Or, if he's
} in a mood, he flashes his lights to let the other drivers know
} they'd better watch out.
}
} As long as the driver coming in the other direction is also an
} Italian, some accomodation will be worked out that does not involve
} any dents in the machinery.
}
} Therein lies the weakness of the anarchic system: not all nations
} are enlightened enough to be governed in this manner, but rather
} have citizens who are trained to do what they're told instead of
} thinking for themselves.
}
} If the driver coming in the other direction happens to be from
} New York -- oh, I simply cannot bear even to describe the scene
} of frightful carnage that ensues.


571-05    (kgh41 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> On the way home from work today, I drove over a hammer which was in the
> middle of my lane.
>
> A hundred yards later, there was a dead w**dc***k on the yellow line in
> the middle of the road.
>
> When I was almost home, I saw a live w**dc***k on the side of the road.
>
> What does it all mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh-oh.  There's an evil wizard in your neighborhood turning people into
} w**dc***ks.  That hammer -- Fred Beamis from down the block, you know
} how his car stalls, and he has to stop and open up the hood and tap the
} alternator with a hammer to get it going again?  Well, he stopped near
} there (you didn't notice his old Chevy Nova?), got out of the car, got
} the hammer from the trunk, shut the trunk, and -- ZAP! -- got turned
} into the w**dc***k which ended up as the dead one in the middle of the
} road.
}
} That live w**dc***k is, sorry to say, or rather *was*, that knockout of
} a blonde who moved in across the street.  She was out jogging, and --
} ZAP -- no more blonde, just another damned w**dc***k.
}
} Nobody is immune!  You could be next!  The Oracle could be next!  In
} fact,
}
} ZAP
}
} you owe this w..dc...k that was once the oracle the ability to c...k
} w..d


571-06    (3cih8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> magnificent oracle, virulently succulent, majestically mouth-watering,
> royally enticing and deliciously wise, overlook my tasty grovel and get
> to the meat of my question:
>
> see if you can follow my reasoning here:
>
> 1) pepsi becomes the choice of the next generation, lighting michael
> jackson on fire in the process.
> 2) pepsi changes its look, ditching the old-fashioned, homey looking
> for something that looks like it came from a laser printer.
> 3) pepsi proclaims, "if youre holding a pepsi, you got the 'right one
> baby.'"
> 4) "'uh huh.'"
> 5) pepsi changes its color, joining neutrogena in assuming that "what
> you cant see, cant hurt you."
> 6) pepsi proves that it was wrong by starting to include cleverly
> concealed hypodermic needles in its cans, which poke people in the lips
> and are very difficult to swallow.
>
> I am no advertising expert, but it would seem inevitable that their
> last move be by far the most ineffective.  I mean, hypodermic needles?
> really, a rather off-the-wall concept.  what happened? was this due to
> some change in administration?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This one of those strange sequence of events where a company means well
} but does something asininely stupid.  Let's listen in on a recent board
} meeting:
}
} Voice1: Let's get right to work.  As you can see from these graphs
}         there is still a large percentage of the human race that is
}         not drinking Pepsi.  Look at the numbers for children ages
}         1-4!  I thought our "...right one baby!" slogan was supposed
}         to improved this!  And who exactly are we trying to reach with
}         a slogan like "Uh huh?!"  Cave men?!?  They aren't exactly a
}         large percentage of our target market.
}
}         We need a gimmick and we need it fast.  Something that will
}         make people feel good about buying Pepsi.  Something that
}         is so Politically Correct people will be _compelled_ to
}         buy our product over all others.  And, need I say it,
}         something that is extremely cheap.  Suggestions?
}
} Voice2: Our research group has finished its study on using recycled
}         newspaper as containers instead of aluminum cans.
}         Unfortunately the best containers we could make don't hold in
}         the carbonation for more than 2 hours.  Also, the ink tends to
}         run after even minimal contact with the contents.  And though
}         it did appear to improve the taste, we don't feel it is a
}         feasible option at this time.
}
} Voice1: You're fired.  Anyone else?
}
} Voice3: I think we should include free red, white & blue condoms with
}         each six pack.  We could use the slogan, "If it's not red,
}         white & blue, don't let it near your lips."  See? A sort of
}         double...
}
} Voice1: You're fired.  Well?  Doesn't anyone have a _good_ idea?
}
} Voice4: How about a really radical tact -- something that will get
}         people all over the country talking about us.
}
} Voice1: Yes?
}
} Voice4: What's on everyone's minds these days?  I'll tell you:  AIDS.
}         And what portion of those in danger of acquiring AIDS is near
}         and dear to our hearts?  The intravenous drug users!  If we
}         distribute a free hypodermic needle with every six pack we'll
}         be heros.
}
} Voice1: What!?  We'll get arrested if we try to do that!
}
} Voice4: Not if we put the needle _inside_ one of the cans.  They'll
}         never know what we've done until after the fact -- after we've
}         helped humanity.
}
} Voice1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!  What would be
}         our slogan!?  "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp
}         stick?!"  You're fired!
}
} Voice4: But Dad!  I've already started production!
}
} You owe the oracle a Coke and a smile.


571-07    (coj30 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Masterful Oracle, resplendent in your genius --
>
> Can you explain the popular appeal of insipid television programs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle applauds your question, for the reason that more people
} should be forced to consider the weight of the impact of these programs
} on today's society.  Here is the main outline of the reasons for this:
}
} Fact A: People today are for the most part, lazy.
} Fact B: Ratio of insipid proframs to others is approximately 964/1.
} Fact C: Since watching an intelligent program would take some looking
}    in the programming guide, a push of the remote button when you FIND
}    a good program, and of course, location of the remote itself, part
}    A would win, and most would just forget the whole thing and watch
}    what is on the current channel.
} Fact D: Nielson lies a lot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a years subscription to TV Guide.


571-08    (7hmb1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day, I called up your help desk.
>
> The person who answered, said "Please hold", made a clicking noise,
> and started singing like John Denver.
>
> It was a darned good imitation, but I think it was rather rude.
> She wouldn't even reply when I asked what I was supposed to hold;
> just kept singing.
>
> I got very mad at her, yelled some nasty things into the phone,
> and hung up.
>
> Can't you train your people better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Rocky mountain hiiiiiiiiiiiigh!
}   Rocky mo-ou-ountain hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiii-iiii-igh!
}
} ...Oh, it's you again.  I trust you enjoyed push-starting
} your car this morning.


571-09    (defb5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Stupendous Sexcake,
>
> Tell me a story.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time there was a Supplicant who asked a short question.
} And got a two line answer.


571-10    (mgf32 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Please answer me this ol' chum:
>  How many David Koresh's does it take to upset the F.B.I a fair amount?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a cord a day.


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