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Internet Oracularities #572

Goto:
572, 572-01, 572-02, 572-03, 572-04, 572-05, 572-06, 572-07, 572-08, 572-09, 572-10


Usenet Oracularities #572    (64 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1993 16:20:08 -0500

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   572
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

572   64 votes 9ima5 06nr8 57nn6 mnd42 3lng1 1cqeb 9dpd4 7doe6 clja2 3irc4
572   2.9 mean  2.8   3.6   3.3   2.1   2.9   3.3   2.8   3.0   2.5   2.9


572-01    (9ima5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  The invisible question!  Fortunately I can read and answer it.
}
} Hold on a minute while I shift over to the invisible bits.
}
}
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a                    !


572-02    (06nr8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, keeper of all knowledge, consultant to the Gods, and
> just a great guy, please tell me.
>
> I heard on the news today that this is the longest day of the year.
> How can that be, don't all days have 24 hours, has the earth's
> rotational speed has slowed down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Earth spins at a constant rate. However, some of the minutes
} are migratory, and fly North for the summer solstice, making today
} the *shortest* day of the year for the Aussies. (You've heard that
} "time flies", of course; now you know what it means.)
}
} Because some of today's minutes are actually native to the Southern
} Hemisphere, you will see occasional odd behavior -- normal people
} suddenly standing on their heads or uttering phrases like "G'day."
}
} There is no reason to be alarmed or offended. We get our revenge at
} the Winter Solstice, when hockey games break out in New Zealand.


572-03    (57nn6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I print something on my local area network, what exactly tell it
> where to go?  Why  does it not for example, print to the mouse on the
> computer across the room?  Does this have to with some kind of elves or
> nomes?  That's just an idea I had.  Please setting my wandering with
> your immense knowledge.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou hast not considered this situation fully.
}
} When you turn on the water in your shower, what makes the water go to
} the right place?  When you use a remote control for your TV, how does
} the TV find out what you want it to do?  When you open your mailbox,
} how did all those bills and junk letters get there?
}
} The answer to all your questions in life is this:
}               Universal Suction
}
} Everything in the Universe wants to suck in something.  The drain in
} your bathtub sucks water which it gets from your showerhead which sucks
} it from the pipe.  Your TV sucks the light out of your remote control
} and since televisions are such strong suckers, it sucks the light
} before you can even see it which is why it is invisible to mere
} mortals.  (The only thing stronger than televisions for sucking this
} "invisible" light is a camcorder.  Try setting a camcorder on "record",
} aiming a remote control device at it, and pressing some buttons.
} You'll be able to see the light recorded onto the tape.)
}
} Printers are very finicky suckers.  They only suck data.  When you
} request your file to be printed, the data is scattered all over your
} network and the printer just sucks it all up.  Fortunately for the
} users, printers are also bulimic and they regurgitate your data onto
} the paper (which, too, sucked the data).
}
} Elves and gnomes are not the answer as they were sucked up by the
} Universe long ago.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pacifier.


572-04    (mnd42 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good idea.
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
}
} That was a nice nap.  Thank you for the suggestion.


572-05    (3lng1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I, a humble subject worth no more than a moth caught in the glare
> of a bright light, beg of you, a great and glorious being whose
> greatness exceeds the Great Space Kablooie (a new name proposed for
> the Big Bang), to answer the following question so that I may
> contemplate your answer until my feet find nirvana upon the Surface
> That is Quite Bright...
>
>    On a bright and cloudfree morning, why does an inverse relationship
>    exist between carrying an umbrella and the chance of a torrential
>    downpour in the afternoon?  Does the distance that you have to walk
>    have anything to do with this relationship?  How about the price
>    of the clothes you are wearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are to be commended for your artful grovelling. The
} "Great Space Kablooie" was quite interesting to listen to
} in their day, but you can't dance to any of their tunes.
}
} On to your question. I'm surprised it took you mortals so
} long to figure out the relation between short duration
} high density precipitation phenomena, haute couture,
} and the peculiar arrangements of metal rods and fabric
} your tribe calls an "umbrella."
}
} Expensive clothing contains the seeds of its own destruction.
} Like the "planned obsolescence" of automobiles built in
} the 1950's-1970's and computers built in the 1980's, clothing
} becomes obsolete. Styles don't "change," old clothing destroys
} styles so you need to buy new clothes. If you take an expensive
} suit outsize, very quickly the money molecules cause clouds to
} form and rain to fall. When you walk long distances you give the
} money molecules longer to work.
}
} However, the semispheroidal umbrella shape warps the space-
} time continuum in a manner that interferes with the money
} molecule's cloud formation properties.
}
} You owe the Oracle a process to extract the remaining money
} molecules from old clothes.


572-06    (1cqeb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O nutty and nutricious Oracle, how many pieces of fruit in one
> Beacon's (TM) Fruit Bar (TM)?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, hungry mortal, I actually have an entire room full of paid
} employees working to determine that precise number.  I doubt that they
} have a final figure just yet, but I can let you peek at the transcript
} of our last few interviews with several of the workers.
}
} Questioner: And what is your name?
} Worker: Thor.
} Questioner: Thor, how many pieces of fruit have you found today?
} Thor: Nine thousand and three.
} Questioner: And what flavor bar were you checking?
} Thor: Vanilla.
} Questioner: ...and you found...
} Thor: Nine thousand and three pieces of fruit.
} Questioner: ...in a vanilla bar.
} Thor: yes.
} Questioner: ...I see.  Well thank you.  Next!...and what is your name?
} Worker: Lola.
} Questioner: And how many pieces of fruit have you found today?
} Lola: Um... you'd be the third.
} Questioner: er...Next!.... and your name is?
} Worker: Shane (burp)
} Questioner: And how many pieces of fruit did you count today?
} Shane: Um...(burp)...twenty four. 'Scuse me.
} Questioner: that's IT?
} Shane: (burp) dude, I'm eating as fast as I can.
} Questioner: Eating??
} Shane: The pieces of fruit... thats what you hired me to do, right?
} Questioner: Oh my G*d... next?... and you are?
} Worker: Pat.
} Questioner: and... do you... count fruit here?
} Pat: yes.
} Questioner: in... fruit bars?
} Pat: yes.
} Questioner: well congratulations.... um, how many have you found today?
} Pat: Oh, today was my day off.
}
} Unfortunately that ended our line of questioning as our interviewer
} chose that exact moment to hurl himself out the window.  It was only a
} first floor window, granted, but the microphone broke upon impact.  So
} you see, fruit bar fans, we're working diligently to answer *all* of
} your questions, no matter how inane.  And we *will* have answers for
} you. To this question... and others. But not only that.  We're working
} to bring fruit bars wher they've never gone before.  Have you ever
} reached into your radio and found a fruit bar? Your tv? Your stereo?
} your dishwasher? Have you ever used a fruit bar as an umbrella? plugged
} one into a modem? Well, you will. And the Oracle that will bring it to
} you... AT&T.
}
} You owe the Oracle.  And don't you forget it.  Burp.


572-07    (9dpd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wiser than the wisest, please answer my humble question:
>
> What did they give Cy Young before the Cy Young award?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They gave him the Cy Young award. It had always been called the Cy
} Young award, even before Cy Young came along. No one knows why. Many
} history scholars are trying to delve deep into ancient history and
} mythology to try an unearth some mention of the Cy Young award in
} ancient times, but no one has found anything. There's a remote
} possibility that the Mongolian word "sy-yung" might have something to
} do with it, a title used much like "sir" or "lord",which translates
} roughly into "excellent thrower of severed heads."
}
} It was an incredibly wierd coincidence that Cy Young won the award,
} wasn't it? Almost as much of a coincidence as Lou Gehrig contracting
} Lou Gehrig's Disease...
}
} You owe the Oracle a few hours at a batting cage somewhere.


572-08    (7doe6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't give me a raisin to mango your grape nuts!!


572-09    (clja2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> At dinner last night, we were discussing minorities in the
> superhero-genre comic books (who wouldn't?), and the point was made
> that there is a woeful lack of hispanic superheroes.
>
> The point was also made that when minorities are introduced into comic
> books, the writers try so very hard to be 'ethnically aware,' that they
> usually end up stereotyping the poor fellow to death.
>
> Therefore, Oracle, I ask you this:
>
> What kind of superhero would result from a man falling into a vat of
> radioactive guacamole dip?  or perhaps extra-spicy refried beans?
>
> Anxiously awaiting your reply, etc., etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ummm...hi!  The Oracle's not in right now...yeah, he drank a
} little to much last night, you know...he's not feeling so hot right
} now. So can I take a message?  Huh?  Oh another question...hmmm...let's
} see. Yah, I can answer it so sock it to me.
}
}       Geez.  Uh...okay well, I think that the perennial Hispanic
} superhero would be Xuxa (pronounces 'Shoosha').  She's this host of a
} kid's show in Mexico.  What kind of powers does she have?  Well, aside
} from having the blondest hair on the planet, she sings like crap and
} dances even worse.  So, uh she could annoy her enemies to death.  And
} she already has the costumes for it...she wears the shortest shorts on
} record, so she'd fit right in with all those busty Marvel/DC heroines.
}
}       Besides, I mean you wouldn't want a superhero made from
} radioactive refried beans...what would he be called?  Nacho-man?
} That'd really strike fear in the hearts of the bad guys.
}
}       You owe the Oracle two jumbo bags of Doritos and a case of Pace
} Picante sauce (extra hot.)


572-10    (3irc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose shoes I am unworthy even to polish,
>
> What is the origin of the term "boilerplate", as it applies to
> computegenerated form letters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, not very many years ago (at least by my standpoint, I
} am an old fellow you know) computers were very large and unwieldy
} machines.  They also produced one heck of a lot of heat due mainly to
} inefficency.  Due to the unwieldiness of these original computers
} highly trained professionals (there was no such thing as a Software
} Engineer back then) had to stay up late at night to look over
} mysterious printouts (computers didn't even have screens back then you
} know) known as "dumps".  These dumps were nearly as inefficient as the
} machines themselves, and were thus readable only by a highly trained
} professional (read: lunatic).  These trained professionals required
} vast amounts of coffee in order to remain awake, often days at a time,
} in order to fully comprehend the scope of the dump.  To facilitate this
} process, the boilerplate was invented.  The boilerplate was originally
} a metal shelf which one attached to the computer.  The heat of the
} computer was enough to heat the shelf, and thus coffee could be kept at
} the proper coffee temperature (read: hot).  The boilerplate also
} served another purpose, the dumps could now be hung (via tape or other
} means) from the boilerplate allowing the trained professional access to
} both his proper temperature coffee and his dump.  Nowadays real
} boilerplates are no longer needed, but they have been known to be sold
} at auctions for upwards of $7000.  The term boilerplate is now used to
} refer to the body of "stuff" (a very technical term) which lies above
} anything else in a computer (similar to how the original boilerplates
} hung above dumps).  This includes, but is not limited to:  Comment
} Blocks at the beginning of a Source Code file and the information at
} the beginning of Computer Generated Form Letters ("This letter has been
} sent to _______ to inform _______ that he/she/it has won $________")
}
}       You owe the oracle your Publishers Clearinghouse winnings and a
} cup of hot coffee.


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