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Internet Oracularities #573

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573, 573-01, 573-02, 573-03, 573-04, 573-05, 573-06, 573-07, 573-08, 573-09, 573-10


Usenet Oracularities #573    (55 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:17:45 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   573
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

573   55 votes 7hka1 2bik4 7mi71 8pi40 7gm73 17elc 8qi21 gfk31 7kg84 8jl61
573   2.7 mean  2.7   3.2   2.5   2.3   2.7   3.7   2.3   2.2   2.7   2.5


573-01    (7hka1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My office mate was once cool.  He has, over the past several months,
> been slowly changing into a yokel.  His hair has grown long.  He
> goes out country dancing.  Just yesterday he was showing off his
> snakeskin boots.  Were we in, say, Indiana this would not be
> abnormal.  The problem is that we are in URBAN Washington, DC.  I
> do not understand his desire to degenerate into a redneck.  All this
> aside, Great Oracle, I am interesting in finding out how I can
> convince him to get a perm in his hair.  I think this would be truely
> amusing.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They say that you can't truly understand a man until you've walked a
} thousand miles in his shoes. However, since the subject insists on
} wearing snakeskin boots, he's a fair target for all manner of cruelty.
}
} What your office mate really needs is humility. What I say is:
}
} "A man can only learn true humility after he's been air-dropped naked
} into a jungle."
}
} Here's what you have to do:
}
} 1)  After work, kidnap your co-worker in the parking lot.
} 2)  Gag, blindfold, and tie him up.
} 3)  Take him to the airport.
} 4)  Bribe a pilot to take you over the wild jungles of Brazil.
} 5)  In the plane, strip your victim naked, except for a homing device
}     crazy-glued to his chest.
} 6)  Go to a nice civilized city in Brazil (San Paolo is quite nice),
}     and check in to the Holiday Inn.
} 7)  Order room service and watch pay-per-view.
} 8)  After a few days, hire some natives to take you and a hairdresser
}     into the bush.
} 9)  Use the homing signal to find your victim.
} 10) If he's still alive, offer the crazed, hungry, fear-filled office
}     worker an ultimatum:
}
} get the perm and return to civilization, or die in the wild, never to
} see a fax machine again.


573-02    (2bik4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most powerful Oracle, whose throws to first never pull the first
> baseperson off the bag, please indulge me with the answer to the
> following most-humble query:
>
> I play for a slow-pitch softball team and occasionally I pitch when the
> wind is blowing.  Why is it then when I try to compensate for the wind
> the ball is never blown back over home plate; and yet, if I pitch it
> right at the plate the ball gets blown to one side?
>
> - Fernando Clemens Coneberry

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh!  An excellent question!!   There are three possibilities to be
} considered here:
}
} 1)  The ball goes perfectly straight, but the mound and home plate are
}     blown out of the way.
}
}     (Not likely, but very difficult to disprove.)
}
} 2)  The wind is afraid to get hit by the ball, and stops when it is
}     thrown.
}
}     This is fairly common in the northern parts of the U.S., where the
}     wind tends to be flighty and insecure.  Try switching to fast-pitch
}     softball; the wind won't have time to get out of the way.  If it
}     gets hit, however, it gets a free walk and will blow straight
}     towards the first baseman. For the kinder and gentler approach,
}     offer it a good seat in the benches. NOT by the boss, however; he
}     won't be amused when his toupee blows off.
}
} 3)  The wind has cut a deal with the other team's manager, and is
}     playing for them.
}
}     Not much you can do here.  It's probably part of a gambling
}     syndicate. You'll have to recruit a different wind, from another
}     city.  (Known in the business as a "trade wind.")  If you get proof
}     of illegitimate side betting, you should be able to really raise up
}     a storm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good player for our Mt. Olympus team.  Must be
} local, a pretty good infielder, and a demigod.


573-03    (7mi71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Ahumble and Bloated Egotius One,
>
> Does OSI really imply for Oracles Suck Ignominiously?
>
> Does TCP/IP stand for Ten Cowards Push Ignorant Protocols?
>
> Does IPX/SPX denote: I Pee eXcessively/She pees eXcessively? (Yes, this
> is politically correct. Vagino-Americans do pee!)
>
> Is ORACLE an acronym for Octal Recursive Asynchronous Communications
> Language Extended?
>
> Oh tell me please, Benefactor of the Omnigorant and Purveyor of Fine
> Sausage. If you answer my query, true, may the wool of 10,000
> Limbaughan Lovers grace the palace of your boundless boundlessness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not bad Supplicant, but you err in a few important ways:
}
} OSI stands for "Only Suckers Initialize"
}
} TCP/IP means "Twelve Crummy People/Including Perverts"
}
} IPX/SPX is really "Ingenious Polynesian Xenophobes/Soaking Pyrex
} Xylophones"
}
} and ORACLE is an acroynym for
} "Optionally Refuses Asinine Comments Lately Emended"
}
}       That's me.
}       I stand for NOTHING!
}
}       <<<<<  Z O T !!!! >>>>>>


573-04    (8pi40 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>       Please can you help me with a bit of a problem. I've been seeing
> a girl for nearly a year now, and there appears to be a bit of a
> problem emerging from our relationship. For some reason, as yet
> unbeknown to me, she insists on leaving bread crumbs or bits of
> squashed biscuit in the bed under the duvet.
>       Can you please tell me what I should do ? And should I start to
> worry about the chirruping noise that comes from under the bed as
> dawn breaks
>
>       Yours,
>               Troubled.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  Sorry to tell you this, but your girlfriend is having an affair
} with Big Bird. Or Barney.... it's hard even for Me to tell....
}
} You see, unbeknownst to anyone but Me,  <TTTTZZZAAAAAPPP!>  <Ow!>
} And God!  Don't forget God!  (that runty half-assed... <TZZ..>
} um, wise, um, all-knowing...  <pause> .... <phew>
}
} Anyway, Barney and Big Bird are (drumroll please) THE SAME BEING.
} Years in the future, Big Bird will have an unfortunate accident
} involving the Hoover Dam, a Hoover vaccuum cleaner, a time machine, and
} two cases of SharkleBerry Punch Koolaid, creating.... BARNEY!!
}
} (Hmmm... I need to remember to arrange another "unfortunate accident"
} for Barney soon....that's too much cuteness for a planet that already
} has had to survive the Smurfs....)
}
} If the being in question is Barney, see if you can persuade your
} girlfriend to leave the crumbs on the floor NEAR the bed....this way,
} the monster under the bed (which has an unusual appetite for purple
} things and chirrups in the morning) will take care of the problem for
} you.  And, by the way, stop wearing those REALLY tacky purple argyle
} socks.
}
} If it's Big Bird, sorry, you can never compete.  Go sit in a corner and
} sing "It's Not Easy Being Green" until you feel better.
}
} You owe the Oracle two dozen melted Barney luchboxes filled with
} Sharkleberry Punch.


573-05    (7gm73 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia
> annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art,
> and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy
> supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived,
> and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar
> Query Answering Processor......
>
> Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question.
>
> Tell me a story........Be Kinky...........
>
> Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one!
> I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where
> to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the
> table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you
> alone!
> Thank You Master.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Dead Sea scrolls were written a long time ago;
} "... and all our yesterdays light fools the way to dusty decks",
} as I once said to Bill Shakespeare.
}
} The Dead Sea Scrolls are written in a dead language, of course.
} "And what language is that?" you ask; well,
} Dead C, of course.
}
} Squiggly brackets opened at the end of lines; no comments; a
} variable called "i" in every function: dead C, pure and simple.
}
} Highlights, you want? You'll get none from me. It was too long ago
} and too far away that I wrote that stuff, and it brings back bad
} memories. Core memories; not ferromagnetic core, but apple core.
} We had an apple for each bit, turned right-side up for ON, and
} upside-down for OFF; and human slaves to go around setting the bits.
} One clumsy slave invented trinary logic -- ah, humans and their
} accidents with apples!
}
} Highlights, indeed! You know, I had to write that stuff with a
} monochrome terminal; to get decent resolution, I had to gather
} hundreds of thousands of humans in a field near Mount Olympus, and
} provide them with colored banners -- and the response time! -- I
} would look down from the clouds, see what I had typed, hit a few
} keys, the priests would send runners out, and after a *long* while,
} there it would be. And you wouldn't believe how the screen flickered
} when the wind blew up!
}
} You owe the Oracle a computer built around the Intel(tm) Sexium(tm)
} chip, and a Satisfaxion(tm) modem.


573-06    (17elc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?
}
} >                         ?
}
} WHAT!?!
}
} >                         !!!
}
} I'm sorry, I can't hear you.  You'll have to roll down your window!
}
} >   ?
}
} YOUR WINDOW, YOUR WINDOW!! ROLL IT DOWN
}
} >Sorry about that.  Do you know which of these buildings houses the
} >offices of the Oracle database company?
}
} Oh, you're on the entirely wrong side of town.  Somebody must have
} given you the wrong directions.  These offices belong to the USENET
} Oracle.  You need to turn around, go back the way you came for three
} or four miles.  After a McDonalds, hang a right onto Beeler, and go
} another mile or so.  After the underpass, make a left onto Wilkins,
} and it should be a couple more blocks on your left.
}
} >Thanks very much.  Bye.
}
} Uhh, just one minute.
}
} >Yes?
}
} You owe the Oracle a car.
}
} >What?
}
} You owe the Oracle a car.
}
} >What do you mean?  This is my car.
}
} Not anymore.  Standard operating procedure.  You ask the Oracle a
} question, I get compensation.  I want your car.
}
} >But how am I going to get across town?  How am I going to get home!?!
}
} Not my problem.  Sorry about that.  Don't make me have to <ZOT!> you.
} Thank you.  The keys?  Ah, thank you very much.  See you later.  I'm
} going for a drive.
}
} >Why you #&@(#&%@(&^@!^!&@
}
} Let's see, I just roll up this window, and...
}
} >                          !
}
} What?
}
} >                   !               !!
}
} SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW!  HAVE A NICE DAY!


573-07    (8qi21 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most sagacious, whose wisdom is smoother and creamier than
> the finest puerto rican rum ice cream, but just as toxic, I beg your
> assistance in a matter of great delicacy.
>
> My officemate has been hanging crucifixes and candles on my side of
> the room, and sprinkling various herbs over my keyboard and papers.
> There is a line of salt separating me from the door & some intricate
> swirly thing written on the wall in crayon.  I try to ignore it, but
> there are all these chicken feathers floating around in the air.
> Whenever I try to say something about it, she sort of shakes and
> stares at me through slitted eyes and hisses something like 'zombei
> zombei, dead one, already the earth opens to receive him.'  I've been
> here all afternoon and I'm starting to get hungry... but I'm wondering
> how she'll take it if I walk over her artwork to get some food...
> what do you think would be the diplomatic thing to do?
>
> please reply soon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       My God man, didn't you ever see 'The Believers'?  Take a hint
} from Jimmy Smits, lock yourself in a room and hope that Charlie Sheen
} shows up soon.  If he hasn't shown up by dinner time, roll your eyes
} into the back of your head, hold your arms out in front of you, and say
} in a dead voice 'Let me out...let me out...'
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowlful of chicken guts and voodoo doll of Bill
} Clinton.


573-08    (gfk31 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does supplicant taste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bitter, and not a little bit salty.


573-09    (7kg84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerful, potent person of knowledge what sort of questions are
> asked of thee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1% amusing, 5% rhetorical/stupid, 7% accidental and 87% woodchuck...


573-10    (8jl61 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most wise and sagacious one, before whom nations
> tremble and fast food is actually fast, how best shall I please
> my spouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can't be done (at least not with attributes such as you posess, lowly
} Supplicant).  Spouses are notoriously difficult to please, even in the
} best of circumstances.  The Oracle recommends that you leave yours at
} home and try your luck with a young & impressionable lover.  Or,
} failing that, perhaps you should take up bridge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good excuse for having stayed out late last
} Friday.  Until Sunday afternoon, actually.


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