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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle whose car I am not fit to polish, > > I've got a SAAB.  It's built in Sweden.  Problem is, it needs new > paint. Now, the question is, am I allowed to refer to the paint as > "finish", on a Swedish car? > > Anxiously yours, > A grovelling, humble, dazed and confused supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was very observant of you to notice that "finish" is not the proper } term for you to use.  The proper term is indeed Swedish, although now } that it's been misused for so long, I doubt you'll be able to find } anyone that recognizes that use of the term anymore. } } Just FYI:  Here's a list of proper terms of surface descriptions that } have misused over the years, and see little or no use in these orginal } forms. } } accomplish        - paint one criminal uses on another during a robbery } admonish          - paint used by Jamaican math instructors } amateurish        - paint used on Star Search contestants } banish            - paint used in deodorant } bearish           - paint used on naked people } boorish           - paint used on the boring } brandish          - paint used on cows } bullish           - paint used the president } cherish           - paint used by movie stars who date younger men } cornish           - paint used on vegatables } Danish            - paint used on breakfast pastries } diminish          - paint used on small things } distinguish       - opposite of paint used on dat ting } embellish         - paint used on the inside of ringing devices } establish         - paint used by ambulance attendants for knife wounds } famish            - paint used on well known people } feverish          - paint used to treat the sick } flemish           - paint used in the nostrils } flourish          - paint used on baking supplies } foolish           - paint used on terrorists } furnish           - paint used on plants } impoverish        - paint used by Congress on citizens } Irish             - paint used on the eyes } languish          - paint used on dictionaries } Moorish           - paint used by Sean Connery's successor } outlandish        - paint used by Sean Connery } parish            - paint used on fruit } polish            - paint used on poles } publish           - paint used on books } punish            - paint used on lists like these } radish            - paint used on Geiger counters } relinquish        - paint used by repeat juvenile offenders } relish            - paint used when a product is sent out } Scottish          - paint used by Star Trek engineers } snobbish          - paint used on expensive door knobs } Spanish           - paint used on bridges } stylish           - paint used in pig pens } tarnish           - paint used on roads } Turkish           - paint used at Thanksgiving time } vanish            - paint used on customized vehicles } } You owe the Oracle a whirling dervish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh the great and wise Oracle, > > What do you get when you cross Maddi Hausmann and the Great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you cross the Oracle, you get <ZOT>ed, of course. If you cross } Maddi Hausmann, you just get chucked. If you cross both at the same } time, the result is Supplicant Skeet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My mother-in-law, Kay, is never silent.  Why are some Kay's silent? > On my (k)nees all-(k)nowing one, (K)night of (K)nowledge, I'm your > humble (k)neeling, (k)nave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, gentle (hyuk) supplicant, therein lies a sordid and demeaning } tale... the k, so dominant in most situations, becomes the perfect } submissive pet in the presence of its master N.  In fact, it even } submits to things you'd never expect such a letter to be part of... } just the other day N got this brand new cat-o'-nine-tails with } feathers, grabbed a large bottle of corn oil and proceeded to... } } >>Message from kinzler@moose.cs.indiana.edu on tty0a: } >>HOLD IT.  We can't use that. } } But it does answer his question.  Very..... nicely. } } >>You've been thumbing through the alt.sex.bondage newsfeed again, } >>haven't you. } } Er... well... } } >>Look... what if some pre-teen hacker comes across that before the } >>sup does?  Give him a nice mainstream white-bread answer. } } *Grumble* all right, I'll just say... } } >>and MAKE IT FUNNY. } } OK... } } Dearest Supplicant: } } Those particular k are ksilent because some knut kthought it } klooked kbetter.  He later kwent on to kfound Price Pfister } Pfaucets. } } >>You call that funny? } } Hey, YOU try to make grammar interesting! } } You owe the Oracle the diaries of your father-in-law Enn. } } >>AHEM. } } er, make that a new pfaucet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise, worshipable, one, when will Washington's Willy win one? > Can clueless Clinton convince crooked congressmen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wondering when William will win one? } } Hillary has high hopes. } } Clinton's clearly competent, cabinet's quite capable. } } Regrettably, wretched rabble-rousing Republicans repeatedly } reject relief remedies. } } Primary problem: political propaganda prevails - practical } progress perpetually prevented. } } Speculating statesment say situation seems serious.  Sadly, } support seems scarce.  Simple solution: } }                 ************************** }                 *                        * }                 *   VOTE ORACLE IN '96   * }                 *                        * }                 ************************** } } You owe the Oracle a campaign contribution.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most wise and wondrous Oracle, what's the worst > that could possible happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Head crash on iuvax. } } You owe the Oracle a UPS and a mirrored file storage system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super Oracle, whose 6-litre brain with the overhead cams and the 24 > valves is connected directly to his keyboard, please help me figure > out my project.  Everything keeps changing out from under me. > Whatever I know or do turns out, later, to be wrong.  The > specification seems to be made of a Jello foundation and concrete > overstructures, and the project leader tells me I "already know" the > things I need explained.  Nobody can make any sense of it.  What > should I do?  Is there any hope?  Do you have some rope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I do indeed have some rope, but in this case I don't think } that's what you need.  Giantelli's extra, extra, long spaghetti } noodles would be more like it.  You can get them from the industrial } food services warehouse before they cut them down for retail.  Be sure } to first pound a good length of 3" PVC straight down through the Jello } so your noodles don't become overly soggy.  Brick them in with 14lb } cinderblocks and grout them with heavy slathers of Jello brand pudding } and gravel, two and a half to one.  Run the runoff lime back down } through the PVC into the substrate--it's good for it.  Now the } superstructures go in on top of the spaghetti.  Frame the pouring area } according to specs, with plywood and slate, and pack in the concrete. } Let it set for a couple of days at the very least.  After it seems } pretty solid, get in underneath it and carefully knock away the } blocks. } } Your project leader ought to be pretty happy with that. } } You owe the Oracle a software bridge between his electronic ignition } and Q-Base.  A good one, mind you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle, > whose toes I am not fit to jam, > whose processes would overload a CM-5 with 1024 nodes, > whose omnipotence astounds every Q, > whose omniscience the other immortals envy, > please answer my question: > > How many burgers can you cook at once using the heat from one (1) > Pentium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now, that depends on what's running on it. } } DOS: Only one, and only if it's no bigger than 640 carats. } } Interactive: As many as you like; but not very quickly, and only if } exactly the right optional products are installed in the kernel.  For } instance, you can't have X installed, because there aren't enough } interrupts to handle the mouse and the grease at the same time. } } SCO: Undefined.  SCO can't really be said to be running anywhere, any } more than a fellow in an iron lung can be said to be breathing. } } Windows: It LOOKS like you can cook as many as you like, but in } reality, only one. } } Linux: Plenty, but you'll probably want to learn how to make your own } buns and catsup. } } OS/2: One, with a great deal of concomitant wailing and knashing of } teeth.  Still, nobody lies about how many it can cook, and there's } even a certain pitiful charm to it. Kind of like a hard-working } village idiot. } } Windows NT: Y'know, Windows NT is neat, but it's not the last word in } operating systems.  Now, Windows 4.0-- THAT will be the last word in } operating systems. } } Windows 4.0: Two hundred million, minimum.  That's right out of the } box.  More than OS/2.  Three hundred million isn't out of the } question. More than any flavor of UNIX known to mankind.  Maybe even } four hundred million.  Says so right here in the Microsoft press } release.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How now brown cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Howdy, cowboy, welcome to Oracle's Bar and Grill. What'll you } have? A Brown Cow? Never herd of it, but that's a different tail. } It's an udderly ridiculous name for a drink, however. Let me hoof } it over to my reference library and see if I can find it in the } Bartenders Guide. Things tend to hide in it, but I can usually } corral them. Try not to horn in while I read it. } } Let's see here. Brown Cow. Here it is. Hmm. One shot } of gin (any brand), three drops of cobra venom, one } pinch of dried monkey brain, branch water, elm branch, } stir with rusty running iron. Pshaw, I can't make this, } I'm out of gin! } } Oops, looks like you've had enough to drink. Looks like I'm } going to have to rope you in. Come back and chew the cud } sometime, pardner.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great powerful Oracle, whose potency is such that a single drop > of thy spit, applied to a turbine generator, could supply an entire > city with electricity for a month or more, and the smell of whose > unwashed Y-fronts is enough to cause the extinction of entire species > of animals, please tell me, > >       What was my question? I forgot it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You aren't alone on that one.  I can see them all.  Just in today's } UseNet news, there were 3900 occurrences of someone forgetting } something.  Here are some examples of the rampant forgetfulness out } there: } } gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Gregory R Block) writes in } comp.sys.amiga.advocacy and comp.sys.atari.advocacy: } >I forgot my most important point. } } turmoil@halcyon.com (Turmoil) writes in talk.politics.drugs and } >alt.drugs: I sure hope that my memory isn't so screwed up that I } >forget ;) } } sjlt@leland.Stanford.EDU (Sean Lev-Tov) writes in su.org.cycling: } >I forgot to mention that the ride is about 65 miles long. } } Tyagi@cup.portal.com (Tyagi Mordred Nagasiva) writes in alt.magick } >What shall I forget? } } bs003@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Andrew K. Heller) writes in } alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk: } >  Hey....my sofa loves me! [...] } >  um..Im coming up next weekend to get drunk. oh..I forgot..you are } >under age. =) sorry, sucker. } } markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark) writes very precisely in comp.lang.lisp } and comp.lang.scheme: } >lambda v t1 t2 = (lambda v t1) t2  (or the other way, I forgot) } } cvadrsdh@vmsb.is.csupomona.edu writes in alt.cyberpunk: } >I guess I forgot to put the smiley. } } Whoops... we can't have that!   <<< ZOT!!! >>> } } william@owlnet.rice.edu (William Li) writes in alt.fan.rush-limbaugh: } >Oh, I forgot, I'm dealing with a conservative. } } an9583@anon.penet.fi (Marlboro Man) writes in alt.sex.stories: } >I thought I saw some movement in the big glass mirror that was on the } >wall across from us, but Lisa pulled me closer and I forgot about it } } Errrr...  that movement is me. }    Excuse me a moment... }       "Not with my Lisa you don't!"    <<< Z O T ! ! ! >>> } } curtis@snake.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Curtis Yarvin) writes in talk.bizarre: } >I'm afraid I forgot my line. } } browning@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (Howard J. Browning) writes in } >rec.arts.anime: Ok, ok, I forgot to tell you all when we are meeting. } } Howard is studying to be a federal bureaucrat...  but he may not know } it yet. } } You write to the Oracle: } >     What was my question? I forgot it. } } You see.  That's quite normal for humans.  The question you forgot was: }    What was my question? I forgot it. } } Did you want to know what the previous question was that you forgot? } You didn't ask that... } } You owe the Oracle a 1.2G hard drive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Ancient and Youthful, > > Why is it that Brontosauri were thin at one end, thick in the middle, > and thin at the other end? > > Anne Elk

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Answer, shrouded in the mists of time and all but forgotten except } by a few who keep the knowldege of the Ancients of MuMu sacred, goes as } follows: } } The Brontosauri were created by God to serve as a model for the life } and physique of a bipedal creature who was to evolve (to a certain } extent) millenia of years after Brontosauri had died out due to the } Coming of the Meteor (this event was predicted by The 7th. Millenium } Adventist Lizards Related To Birds, but was ignored for the obvious } reasons that any creature with a brain the size of a walnut was not to } be trusted on matters of such import and that dinosaurs in black robes } looked ridiculous). }       Said bipedal creature is born, is (reasonably) thin physically } for the first few years of its' life, then in middle age 'blooms' and } acquires an interesting girth (record sizes have been recorded among } the sect called The Couch Potatoes, who are rumored to live mainly } on a brew made of malt and hops and a vile dish known as Pringle's } Potato Chips (BBQ Flavour)); this size is characteristic of both male } and female middle-aged members of this species. Then, after middle age, } recognizing the futility of it all and the fact that a coffin that size } is *horribly* expensive, this creature shrinks and becomes thin again. } Thus does the Brontosaurus model the life cycle of this strange freak } of evolution. }       An interesting, and possibly related, fact is that these } creatures recently made a film in which Brontosauri featured majorly ; } this film broke a few box-office records, attesting to the fact that } dim racial memories may be stirring. } } All in all, the entire answer can be reduced to : 42.