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Internet Oracularities #574

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574, 574-01, 574-02, 574-03, 574-04, 574-05, 574-06, 574-07, 574-08, 574-09, 574-10


Usenet Oracularities #574    (55 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1993 08:07:14 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   574
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

574   55 votes 3aagg cff94 4egh4 19ki7 cdfa5 5ok60 0ajga 88nb5 4cdj7 aem90
574   3.0 mean  3.6   2.6   3.1   3.4   2.7   2.5   3.5   2.9   3.2   2.5


574-01    (3aagg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle whose car I am not fit to polish,
>
> I've got a SAAB.  It's built in Sweden.  Problem is, it needs new
> paint. Now, the question is, am I allowed to refer to the paint as
> "finish", on a Swedish car?
>
> Anxiously yours,
> A grovelling, humble, dazed and confused supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was very observant of you to notice that "finish" is not the proper
} term for you to use.  The proper term is indeed Swedish, although now
} that it's been misused for so long, I doubt you'll be able to find
} anyone that recognizes that use of the term anymore.
}
} Just FYI:  Here's a list of proper terms of surface descriptions that
} have misused over the years, and see little or no use in these orginal
} forms.
}
} accomplish        - paint one criminal uses on another during a robbery
} admonish          - paint used by Jamaican math instructors
} amateurish        - paint used on Star Search contestants
} banish            - paint used in deodorant
} bearish           - paint used on naked people
} boorish           - paint used on the boring
} brandish          - paint used on cows
} bullish           - paint used the president
} cherish           - paint used by movie stars who date younger men
} cornish           - paint used on vegatables
} Danish            - paint used on breakfast pastries
} diminish          - paint used on small things
} distinguish       - opposite of paint used on dat ting
} embellish         - paint used on the inside of ringing devices
} establish         - paint used by ambulance attendants for knife wounds
} famish            - paint used on well known people
} feverish          - paint used to treat the sick
} flemish           - paint used in the nostrils
} flourish          - paint used on baking supplies
} foolish           - paint used on terrorists
} furnish           - paint used on plants
} impoverish        - paint used by Congress on citizens
} Irish             - paint used on the eyes
} languish          - paint used on dictionaries
} Moorish           - paint used by Sean Connery's successor
} outlandish        - paint used by Sean Connery
} parish            - paint used on fruit
} polish            - paint used on poles
} publish           - paint used on books
} punish            - paint used on lists like these
} radish            - paint used on Geiger counters
} relinquish        - paint used by repeat juvenile offenders
} relish            - paint used when a product is sent out
} Scottish          - paint used by Star Trek engineers
} snobbish          - paint used on expensive door knobs
} Spanish           - paint used on bridges
} stylish           - paint used in pig pens
} tarnish           - paint used on roads
} Turkish           - paint used at Thanksgiving time
} vanish            - paint used on customized vehicles
}
} You owe the Oracle a whirling dervish.


574-02    (cff94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh the great and wise Oracle,
>
> What do you get when you cross Maddi Hausmann and the Great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you cross the Oracle, you get <ZOT>ed, of course. If you cross
} Maddi Hausmann, you just get chucked. If you cross both at the same
} time, the result is Supplicant Skeet.


574-03    (4egh4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My mother-in-law, Kay, is never silent.  Why are some Kay's silent?
> On my (k)nees all-(k)nowing one, (K)night of (K)nowledge, I'm your
> humble (k)neeling, (k)nave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, gentle (hyuk) supplicant, therein lies a sordid and demeaning
} tale... the k, so dominant in most situations, becomes the perfect
} submissive pet in the presence of its master N.  In fact, it even
} submits to things you'd never expect such a letter to be part of...
} just the other day N got this brand new cat-o'-nine-tails with
} feathers, grabbed a large bottle of corn oil and proceeded to...
}
} >>Message from kinzler@moose.cs.indiana.edu on tty0a:
} >>HOLD IT.  We can't use that.
}
} But it does answer his question.  Very..... nicely.
}
} >>You've been thumbing through the alt.sex.bondage newsfeed again,
} >>haven't you.
}
} Er... well...
}
} >>Look... what if some pre-teen hacker comes across that before the
} >>sup does?  Give him a nice mainstream white-bread answer.
}
} *Grumble* all right, I'll just say...
}
} >>and MAKE IT FUNNY.
}
} OK...
}
} Dearest Supplicant:
}
} Those particular k are ksilent because some knut kthought it
} klooked kbetter.  He later kwent on to kfound Price Pfister
} Pfaucets.
}
} >>You call that funny?
}
} Hey, YOU try to make grammar interesting!
}
} You owe the Oracle the diaries of your father-in-law Enn.
}
} >>AHEM.
}
} er, make that a new pfaucet.


574-04    (19ki7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise, worshipable, one, when will Washington's Willy win one?
> Can clueless Clinton convince crooked congressmen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wondering when William will win one?
}
} Hillary has high hopes.
}
} Clinton's clearly competent, cabinet's quite capable.
}
} Regrettably, wretched rabble-rousing Republicans repeatedly
} reject relief remedies.
}
} Primary problem: political propaganda prevails - practical
} progress perpetually prevented.
}
} Speculating statesment say situation seems serious.  Sadly,
} support seems scarce.  Simple solution:
}
}                 **************************
}                 *                        *
}                 *   VOTE ORACLE IN '96   *
}                 *                        *
}                 **************************
}
} You owe the Oracle a campaign contribution.


574-05    (cdfa5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most wise and wondrous Oracle, what's the worst
> that could possible happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Head crash on iuvax.
}
} You owe the Oracle a UPS and a mirrored file storage system.


574-06    (5ok60 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super Oracle, whose 6-litre brain with the overhead cams and the 24
> valves is connected directly to his keyboard, please help me figure
> out my project.  Everything keeps changing out from under me.
> Whatever I know or do turns out, later, to be wrong.  The
> specification seems to be made of a Jello foundation and concrete
> overstructures, and the project leader tells me I "already know" the
> things I need explained.  Nobody can make any sense of it.  What
> should I do?  Is there any hope?  Do you have some rope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I do indeed have some rope, but in this case I don't think
} that's what you need.  Giantelli's extra, extra, long spaghetti
} noodles would be more like it.  You can get them from the industrial
} food services warehouse before they cut them down for retail.  Be sure
} to first pound a good length of 3" PVC straight down through the Jello
} so your noodles don't become overly soggy.  Brick them in with 14lb
} cinderblocks and grout them with heavy slathers of Jello brand pudding
} and gravel, two and a half to one.  Run the runoff lime back down
} through the PVC into the substrate--it's good for it.  Now the
} superstructures go in on top of the spaghetti.  Frame the pouring area
} according to specs, with plywood and slate, and pack in the concrete.
} Let it set for a couple of days at the very least.  After it seems
} pretty solid, get in underneath it and carefully knock away the
} blocks.
}
} Your project leader ought to be pretty happy with that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a software bridge between his electronic ignition
} and Q-Base.  A good one, mind you.


574-07    (0ajga dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle,
> whose toes I am not fit to jam,
> whose processes would overload a CM-5 with 1024 nodes,
> whose omnipotence astounds every Q,
> whose omniscience the other immortals envy,
> please answer my question:
>
> How many burgers can you cook at once using the heat from one (1)
> Pentium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now, that depends on what's running on it.
}
} DOS: Only one, and only if it's no bigger than 640 carats.
}
} Interactive: As many as you like; but not very quickly, and only if
} exactly the right optional products are installed in the kernel.  For
} instance, you can't have X installed, because there aren't enough
} interrupts to handle the mouse and the grease at the same time.
}
} SCO: Undefined.  SCO can't really be said to be running anywhere, any
} more than a fellow in an iron lung can be said to be breathing.
}
} Windows: It LOOKS like you can cook as many as you like, but in
} reality, only one.
}
} Linux: Plenty, but you'll probably want to learn how to make your own
} buns and catsup.
}
} OS/2: One, with a great deal of concomitant wailing and knashing of
} teeth.  Still, nobody lies about how many it can cook, and there's
} even a certain pitiful charm to it. Kind of like a hard-working
} village idiot.
}
} Windows NT: Y'know, Windows NT is neat, but it's not the last word in
} operating systems.  Now, Windows 4.0-- THAT will be the last word in
} operating systems.
}
} Windows 4.0: Two hundred million, minimum.  That's right out of the
} box.  More than OS/2.  Three hundred million isn't out of the
} question. More than any flavor of UNIX known to mankind.  Maybe even
} four hundred million.  Says so right here in the Microsoft press
} release.


574-08    (88nb5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How now brown cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Howdy, cowboy, welcome to Oracle's Bar and Grill. What'll you
} have? A Brown Cow? Never herd of it, but that's a different tail.
} It's an udderly ridiculous name for a drink, however. Let me hoof
} it over to my reference library and see if I can find it in the
} Bartenders Guide. Things tend to hide in it, but I can usually
} corral them. Try not to horn in while I read it.
}
} Let's see here. Brown Cow. Here it is. Hmm. One shot
} of gin (any brand), three drops of cobra venom, one
} pinch of dried monkey brain, branch water, elm branch,
} stir with rusty running iron. Pshaw, I can't make this,
} I'm out of gin!
}
} Oops, looks like you've had enough to drink. Looks like I'm
} going to have to rope you in. Come back and chew the cud
} sometime, pardner.


574-09    (4cdj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great powerful Oracle, whose potency is such that a single drop
> of thy spit, applied to a turbine generator, could supply an entire
> city with electricity for a month or more, and the smell of whose
> unwashed Y-fronts is enough to cause the extinction of entire species
> of animals, please tell me,
>
>       What was my question? I forgot it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You aren't alone on that one.  I can see them all.  Just in today's
} UseNet news, there were 3900 occurrences of someone forgetting
} something.  Here are some examples of the rampant forgetfulness out
} there:
}
} gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Gregory R Block) writes in
} comp.sys.amiga.advocacy and comp.sys.atari.advocacy:
} >I forgot my most important point.
}
} turmoil@halcyon.com (Turmoil) writes in talk.politics.drugs and
} >alt.drugs: I sure hope that my memory isn't so screwed up that I
} >forget ;)
}
} sjlt@leland.Stanford.EDU (Sean Lev-Tov) writes in su.org.cycling:
} >I forgot to mention that the ride is about 65 miles long.
}
} Tyagi@cup.portal.com (Tyagi Mordred Nagasiva) writes in alt.magick
} >What shall I forget?
}
} bs003@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Andrew K. Heller) writes in
} alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk:
} >  Hey....my sofa loves me! [...]
} >  um..Im coming up next weekend to get drunk. oh..I forgot..you are
} >under age. =) sorry, sucker.
}
} markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark) writes very precisely in comp.lang.lisp
} and comp.lang.scheme:
} >lambda v t1 t2 = (lambda v t1) t2  (or the other way, I forgot)
}
} cvadrsdh@vmsb.is.csupomona.edu writes in alt.cyberpunk:
} >I guess I forgot to put the smiley.
}
} Whoops... we can't have that!   <<< ZOT!!! >>>
}
} william@owlnet.rice.edu (William Li) writes in alt.fan.rush-limbaugh:
} >Oh, I forgot, I'm dealing with a conservative.
}
} an9583@anon.penet.fi (Marlboro Man) writes in alt.sex.stories:
} >I thought I saw some movement in the big glass mirror that was on the
} >wall across from us, but Lisa pulled me closer and I forgot about it
}
} Errrr...  that movement is me.
}    Excuse me a moment...
}       "Not with my Lisa you don't!"    <<< Z O T ! ! ! >>>
}
} curtis@snake.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Curtis Yarvin) writes in talk.bizarre:
} >I'm afraid I forgot my line.
}
} browning@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (Howard J. Browning) writes in
} >rec.arts.anime: Ok, ok, I forgot to tell you all when we are meeting.
}
} Howard is studying to be a federal bureaucrat...  but he may not know
} it yet.
}
} You write to the Oracle:
} >     What was my question? I forgot it.
}
} You see.  That's quite normal for humans.  The question you forgot was:
}    What was my question? I forgot it.
}
} Did you want to know what the previous question was that you forgot?
} You didn't ask that...
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1.2G hard drive.


574-10    (aem90 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Ancient and Youthful,
>
> Why is it that Brontosauri were thin at one end, thick in the middle,
> and thin at the other end?
>
> Anne Elk

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Answer, shrouded in the mists of time and all but forgotten except
} by a few who keep the knowldege of the Ancients of MuMu sacred, goes as
} follows:
}
} The Brontosauri were created by God to serve as a model for the life
} and physique of a bipedal creature who was to evolve (to a certain
} extent) millenia of years after Brontosauri had died out due to the
} Coming of the Meteor (this event was predicted by The 7th. Millenium
} Adventist Lizards Related To Birds, but was ignored for the obvious
} reasons that any creature with a brain the size of a walnut was not to
} be trusted on matters of such import and that dinosaurs in black robes
} looked ridiculous).
}       Said bipedal creature is born, is (reasonably) thin physically
} for the first few years of its' life, then in middle age 'blooms' and
} acquires an interesting girth (record sizes have been recorded among
} the sect called The Couch Potatoes, who are rumored to live mainly
} on a brew made of malt and hops and a vile dish known as Pringle's
} Potato Chips (BBQ Flavour)); this size is characteristic of both male
} and female middle-aged members of this species. Then, after middle age,
} recognizing the futility of it all and the fact that a coffin that size
} is *horribly* expensive, this creature shrinks and becomes thin again.
} Thus does the Brontosaurus model the life cycle of this strange freak
} of evolution.
}       An interesting, and possibly related, fact is that these
} creatures recently made a film in which Brontosauri featured majorly ;
} this film broke a few box-office records, attesting to the fact that
} dim racial memories may be stirring.
}
} All in all, the entire answer can be reduced to : 42.


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