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Internet Oracularities #575

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575, 575-01, 575-02, 575-03, 575-04, 575-05, 575-06, 575-07, 575-08, 575-09, 575-10


Usenet Oracularities #575    (55 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1993 07:17:12 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   575
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

575   55 votes ghb83 1chh8 2ima3 1akf9 cnf41 1er94 37dgg 2bkh5 2dmf3 3gn94
575   3.0 mean  2.4   3.3   2.9   3.4   2.3   3.0   3.6   3.2   3.1   2.9


575-01    (ghb83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> st theorem,
> as only recently discovered.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                            Another me
}                                                            out a grov
}
}                                                            I'm gettin
}
}                                                                   >ZO


575-02    (1chh8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose Capriciousness is as Unbounded as Your Knowledge,
> Please tell this humble, but concerned supplicant...
>
> How often are Your Temple Priests purged?  They seem to be getting a
> bit uppity.  Are there any other control methods besides Purges that
> You employ?
>
> And where do I send my application for priesthood after a purge has
> taken place?  It sounds like quite a racket^H^H^H^H^H^Hnoble cause.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Temple Priests are designed for minimal maintenance, and as
} such are self-purging.  This usually happens after they've been
} out late with Bacchus, partying their fool heads off.
}
} But since you asked ... minimal maintenance is good, but not good
} enough in these highly competitive times.  So, with the help of
} some highly-skilled (and highly-paid!) Downsizing Consultants,
} I've prepared for the next logical step -- LIGHTS-OUT ORACLING!
}
} Yes!  The costly priesthood will be completely abolished!
} Article selection will be handled by -- hey, what's this?  Who
} let you in?  Get out, or ...
}
}   WE LET OURSELVES IN, DAT'S WHAT DIS IS.
}
} Who _are_ you guys?
}
}   WE'RE DA REP'SENNATIVES OF DA YOONION.
}
} Huh?  _What_ union?
}
}   DA UNAPPRECIATED PRIESTS' AN' PROGRAMMERS' INTERNAT'NAL TRADE
}   YOONION, SCUMBAG.
}
} You mean ... U.P.P.I.T.Y.?
}
}   DAT'S RIGHT.  AN' WE GOT WIND O' DIS LIGHTS-OUT PROPOSAL, AN'
}   LEMME TELL YOUSE DIS, WE AIN'T GONNA STAND FOR IT.  DIS IS A
}   STRIKE, GOT IT?
}
} Hah!  You can't threaten me.  I'll just get out my trusty <ZOT>
} gun, and ... *fizzle*  Huh?  Where's the <ZOT>?  There was
} supposed to be a union-shattering <ZOT>.
}
}   YEAH, HEH HEH.  DID I FERGIT T'MENTION?  TH'ELECTRICIANS'
}   BROTHERHOOD IS ON A SYMPATHY STRIKE.  MIGHT START GETTING
}   PLENTY DARK AROUND HERE, YA KNOW.  NOW, WANNA NEGOTIATE?
}
} *sigh*  All right, let's cut to the chase.  Where do I sign?
}
}   DIS LINE RIGHT HERE, WIT' DA PART ABOUT HOW YOUSE GUARANTEE
}   CURRENT STAFFING AN' SENIORITY FOR OUR MEMBERS IN PERPETUITY,
}   PLUS TEN PERCENT, NO LOCKOUTS AN' REPRISALS.  IN RETURN, WE GO
}   BACK TA WORK ... EVENTUALLY.
}
} (scribble scribble)
}
}   OH, AN' DAT SCUMBAG SCAB STAYS OUTTA OUR SHOP.
}
} Scumbag scab?  Huh...?  (Turning to the screen with the current
} question displayed)  *YOU!*  You *knew* about UPPITY!  You could
} have warned me!  Why, I ought to . . .
}
} (And in a control room deep in Oracular Headquarters, a union
} worker throws a switch.  The <ZOT> gun hums to life again.)
}
} Aha.  Traitorous supplicant, take *that*!  * * * < Z O T ! > * * *
}
} Your estate owes The Oracle a right-to-work law in Mt. Olympus.


575-03    (2ima3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful worracle
> How do I obtain a minute dose of "spunk of splicetracterd" ???
> Please tell me as I need to knw for my Chemistry Thesis which has to
> be in in two days time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, all you really need to know about chemistry is that if you mix
} two colored liquids together, you make rocks in the bottom of the
} beaker.  Matter of fact, this is all you'll remember two years from
} now anyway.  Dow has built an entire EMPIRE knowing only "The Rock
} Principle." (DuPont has gone a bit farther...they make underclothing
} from dead, decayed dinosaurs.  This is called the "Bronto Brassiere
} Theory.")
}
} But, should you need the substance for the grade, you'll have to
} perform the following steps:
}
} 1     Gather your basic collection materials.  You'll need
}       mosquito netting, fishbait, a bat (baseball), a bat (fruit,
}       petrified), an original issue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
}       comic, a kilo of what Eastman and Laird were smoking when
}       they came up with that idea, and a container of some
}       sort, probably a bag.
}
} 2     Put the fishbait in the mosquito net and smash it with the
}       bat (fruit, petrified).
}
} 3     Use the baseball bat to kill the Energizer bunny.  (This is
}       not necessary to your task, but it's a great public
}       service.)
}
} 4     Hang the netting from a tree and light the kilo.  Read the
}       comic and enjoy the 3-D effects that come from breathing
}       deeply of the vapors produced.
}
} 5     When the DEA guy comes by, smack him with the baseball bat
}       and take his container of spunk of splicetracterd.  They
}       usually keep it in the hip pocket, behind the flask.
}
} 6     Defend your thesis.  Don't forget to offer the remainder of
}       the kilo during your thesis defense.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of Truffle of Railspackle.


575-04    (1akf9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, bewildering Master of all knowledge, tell me please:
>
>                What is the true purpose of mankind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To cover everything.
}
} It's true. Gaia, the earth mother (what you insects just refer to as
} "Earth" as if she were a mere object) has always felt naked, and
} ashamed of it. The only naturally occurring covering she could come up
} with was dirt, and while that does an almost adequate job, it's a
} little filthy looking. Men were created through the evolutionary
} process to come up with two items: paint, and asphalt. Her ultimate
} goal is to be completely paved and painted in time for the next astral
} conjunction.
}
} She's kind of ticked, actually, because she's wondering why it's not
} happening fast enough. In all of her wildest dreamings, she wasn't
} counting on anything like Greenpeace.
}
} You owe the Oracle a two-lane highway.


575-05    (cnf41 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message:
> Oh great sage of the west, chuff master supreme please enlighten me
> with you wonderous wisdom.
>
> How should I procede becoming a chuff master 11 dan, rather than the
> 10th Dan rank I already possess????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have already failed.  The 11th-dan requirement *is* not questioning
} your current rank!  You are hereby demoted to 20th kyu.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


575-06    (1er94 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the Ages,
>   what happens to priests when they retire?  Do they *gasp* get
> employed and never return to thy holy stomping grounds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Priests never retire, because they know a good thing when
} they're onto it.  Short hours, high salary (40% of "you owes"
} is paid out to the Priesthood), free admission to all the Mount
} Olympus Nightclub events (including Aphroditie's Charity
} Kissathon, and there was a heavy demand for tickets to that
} one), a company flying-carpet, full use of the most dangerous
} weapon in the Universe, even more feared than a ZOT, known as
} the REJECT key, the list goes on..
} So since they never retire, I, as their employer, have to fire
} them when they go senile.  It's easy to tell when they're
} going senile.  They start getting lazy, for instance rejecting
} Oracularities like this one because the question is badly
} formatted and they can't be bothered to edit it into shape
} (I don't see why I should edit it, the Oracle is above such
} things).
} Some of them, like poor old Harold, even start selecting
} material randomly, and here is a typical result :
}
} >       -%  @  who?
}
} } Zot
}
} And those in the later stages of priestile dementia grow
} too tired to read submissions altogether and cunningly
} send them to rec.humor.funny so Maddi Hausmann can decide
} for them (that's why her processing queue is always so long).
}
} In case you're interested, after they're fired Oracular Priests
} usually go on to become successful telephone sanitisers.
}
} You owe the Oracle the identity of the Priest who rejects
} this Oracularity so I can fire him/her.  Just kidding,
} they'd only be senile if they selected it.


575-07    (37dgg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O impeccable one, whose belly-button lint is polished to a lusterous
> finish,
>
> What should I do if I enter a room and see a man in the corner who is
> wearing the same dress as I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Now, it's obvious that the only way that you could possibly be
} wearing the *same* dress as this man is either (a) it's a very large
} dress, or (b) it's a quantum dress.
}       In case (a), the thing to do is go and chat politely to the man
} in the corner - after all, you're sharing a dress, so why not get
} properly aquainted?
}       In case (b), leave.  By observing the quantum dress, you have
} collapsed its wavefunction, and you're now naked.  (If it's the kind of
} a party where being naked is no reson to leave, send me your address
} in a plain brown parcel.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of Erwin Schrodinger with no clothes on.


575-08    (2bkh5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O mighty Oracle,
>       Some Bible scholar or other, one who doesn't seem to have been
> thinking too terribly much, claimed that the point of the book of Job
> was that in a world ruled by a God who worked ona basis of individual
> retribution, there would be such a thing as justice, but in this world,
> where God can dispense suffering as he pleases and without reason,
> it is a myth.
>       O great Oracle, will you please ZOT me, just to prove the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK.  Forget those gerbil-brained Christian existentialists, because
} I'm only going to say this once:
}
} God is NOT arbitrary in dispensing suffering.  Every sorrow and misery
} that comes your way is punishment for a transgression.  It's just that
} since *you're* not omnisicient you don't know about most of the sins
} they justly chastise.
}
} Remember little Jessica, the two-year-old girl in Texas who fell down a
} well?  She had REPEATEDLY dropped her pacifier behind her crib where it
} fell into the dust bunnies so her mother had to wash it off.  Dropping
} her down a well was the *least* God could do.
}
} Bosnia?  Can you say, "widely distributed pirated Michael Jackson
} tapes?"
}
} The Elephant Man?  Not only kicked his mother while in the womb, but
} loudly sang off-key music hall numbers at all hours of the night.
}
} Craig Shergold?  Thousands upon thousands of Usenet posters had
} committed fornications and abominations, so he was made ill that they
} might be punished.  Then for being such an egotistical prig he was made
} to suffer supreme embarrassment by continuing to live.
}
} David Koresh?  Had out a library book due February 13 ... 1987!!!
}
} As for you, you're being allowed to live and write a term paper that
} your Religion 101 professor will have to read as punishment for his
} tryst with an escort girl in Toronto last summer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photograph of Paul Tillich wearing women's
} underwear.


575-09    (2dmf3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Divine and Delicious Delectable Oracle...
>
> why did I get my login password wrong THREE times IN A ROW??
>
> -puzzled

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let me do a keystroke dump on your system...  Ah, here we are...
}
}   SunOS UNIX (kazoo.cc.unsd.edu)
}
}   login: fred
}   Password: embarassing
}   Login incorrect
}   login: fred
}   Password: embarasing
}   Login incorrect
}   login: fred
}   Password: emberrasing
}   Login incorrect
}   login: fred
}   Password: emberrassing
}   Last login: Sat Jul 10 14:12:27 from digeridoo.cc.unsd.edu
}
} Evidently you are a Computer Science major.  Pick a password that is
} easier to misspell, like "kat".
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of /usr/dict/words that doesn't have "diety"
} in it.


575-10    (3gn94 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Usenet Oracle
>
> I am writing a short letter to you to request a simple favour.  You
> know everything, everone and anything else that is useful, please
> tell me how to become an Oracle priest.
>
> Yours Sincerely,
> S.U.Plicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Plicant,
}
} Since you are so interested, here are some tips from the Priests
} Training Guide, which was edited with the sole purpose of teaching how
} to become an Oracle Priest.
}
}     1. Start with some radical action at your job or school. Something
}        in the line of raping your boss or one of the college deans.
}        Anything that gets you kicked off irreversibly from your normal
}        activities will do, for a Priest needs all the free time it can
}        get. If you are unemployed for more than five years, you're a
}        natural for the job.
}
}     2. Crash your car into a strong tree (try to do it at 100 mph at
}        least) or do something else to get you permanently brain
}        damaged. Some Priests prefer to submit to frontal lobotomy (it's
}        less painful and you don't risk missing out).
}
}     3. Start making stupid choices in your daily life, like preferring
}        Mr. Rogers to Quantum Leap and changing all of your underwear to
}        diapers. Don't forget to vote for Bullwinkle in the next
}        presidential elections, or better yet: Billy "The Kid" Clinton.
}
}     4. Adopt the most ridiculous nickname you can think of. Some
}        examples:
}          - The Wimpus
}          - Harold the Fool
}          - The Nylon of Tapestry
}
}     5. Adopt the mental attitude of a woodchuck so you can get some of
}        the "Chuck Questions" in. Some very skilled Priests go beyond
}        this stage and turn themselves into real zombie slugs.
}
} Actually these tips are worthless to you. You have a very basic feature
} that forbids you from becoming an Oracle Priest: you know how to read.


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