[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 7:35:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #576

Goto:
576, 576-01, 576-02, 576-03, 576-04, 576-05, 576-06, 576-07, 576-08, 576-09, 576-10


Usenet Oracularities #576    (55 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Jul 1993 11:12:20 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   576
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

576   55 votes 6ii94 27jk7 99f8e 5iic2 6li91 467gm 43ggg 1blg6 aje93 6mj71
576   3.1 mean  2.8   3.4   3.2   2.8   2.6   3.8   3.7   3.3   2.6   2.5


576-01    (6ii94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have searched in vain for the answer to this question, and I turn at
> last to you, all-knowing one!  Why is it that we say "water ice" or
> "fruit ice" but "ice cream"?  Should it not be "cream ice?"  And in
> reality it is even more inexplicable - for there is no ice involved,
> unless you could the minescule crystals that occassionally appear when
> the freezer breaks down. This leads me to think the answer should in
> fact be "Iced cream" or, to follow the logic earlier, "Creamed Ice".
> But the latter reminds me of something one hits with a sledge-hammer.
>
> Halp me, oh oracle, in searching for the solution to this etymological
> nightmare!  A case of Good Humour Candy Bar Cruch awaits you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason, supplicant, is the Universal law of cold reflexitivity.
} Just as water can turn to ice which can turn to water, so it makes
} little difference whether you refer to it as "water ice" or "ice
} water".  Actually, there is a technical difference of a couple of
} hundredths of a degree Celsius, but in keeping with the current
} trend toward technical ignorance, we'll just refer to it as "cold
} stuff" (which is likely to be understood by the masses).
}
} Incidentally, if you walk backwards into a Baskin-Robbins and ask
} for a "cream ice" and a glass of "water ice", the chances are good
} that you'll be taken to the cooler for an overnight stay.
}
} Some other types of ice that you may not have considered:
}
}     dice       - Cubes that cool off "hot" gamblers;
}     nice       - Only served in the South of France;
}     price      - May sound good, but results in a loss of money;
}     device     - An ice machine hooked up to a UNIX box;
}     malice     - Often results in cold-blooded murder;
}     bodice     - What was used on Kim Basinger in "9 1/2 Weeks".
}
} You owe the Oracle a bodice supply and 9 1/2 weeks with Kim Basinger.


576-02    (27jk7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, what's the standard punishment for Supplicant's who don't grovel.
>
>   Supplicant with Zot shield

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Typical supplicant sitting at computer terminal looking bored)
}
} Are you tired of being polite to the Oracle?
}
} (Supplicant looks up, nods head)
}
} Would you like to be able to insult the Oracle and not have to pay the
} consequences?
}
} (Supplicant's eyes get wider, nods vigorously)
}
} Well, you can!
}
} (Supplicant looks skeptical)
}
} As long as you have the "ZotShield (tm)"!
}
} (Supplicant looks interested, nods in a "tell-me-more" sort of way)
}
} Yes, you too can now buy a "ZotShield (tm)" of your very own! Be rude
} to the Oracle! Call it names! Insult it! Kick it in the shins! Drop
} marbles on its head! Ask stupid questions without grovelling! The
} "ZotShield (tm)" will protect you from the Oracle's only means of
} defense, the dreaded ZOT!
}
} (Scientific diagram appears, lots of moving arrows and chemical
} equations)
}
} Researchers at our labs have come up with our exclusive patented
} "AntiZot" material, which neutralizes any ZOT the Oracle might send
} you!
}
} (Back to supplicant, credit card in hand)
}
} How much would you pay for this device? $100?
}
} (Supplicant grins broadly and nods violently)
}
} Well, in this limited-time offer, you can have the incredible
} "ZotShield (tm)" for just $39.95! Order now! Operators are standing by!
}
} (Supplicant dials phone, winks into camera)
} ...............
}
} You know, I've been able to ZOT a lot more people since I've gotten
} into the mail-order business. It's amazing how many of you pathetic
} supplicants fall for late-night TV advertising, and then try and be
} belligerent to *me*. Besides, the extra revenue helps pay for the
} development of Zot 2.0, which will be even more powerful than what you
} so smugly thought you could avoid, so it works out pretty well for me.
} For you, on the other hand...
}
} You know what the standard punishment is, and now you've got it
} coming...
}
} <ZOT>
}
} (Supplicant, or rather a heap of ashes which used to be the supplicant,
}  smoldering on chair, ZotShield (tm) rolling about on the floor)
}
} I love this job.


576-03    (99f8e dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hu
> wat
> wen
> we
> how
> wy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hwaet, huru!  Haere me hwile ic telle newes!
}
} Yea-swa, Beowulf ure Cyning is daed!  He waes to-smashde by sum
} bigge fyr-Dracon!  Nae, nat bigge fyr-Dracon thatte flyeth in skye,
} ac grete bigge fyr-Dracon thatte runneth swithe faste ond stande
} swa bigge swa a talle pine-treo ond haveth manig bigge nastig
} bitinge teethe!!!  Ond ther was withe hym sum manne to-named
} Stephen thatte saegde the fyr-Dracon was to-scaped fro sum
} thinge yclepte "Gyrassic Paerce" ond his nama was Taegranno-
} Seorus Rex!  Ond thaet fyr-Dracon chaesde aefter Beowulf ond
} hym cachde ond to-munched hym in littel tinig bittes!!!  Ond
} thanne Stephen saede thatte we must al to-buyan manig cuppes
} ond other thinges withe fearsume likenes of the fyr-Dracones
} ond manig wordes that saede "Gyrassic Paerce," ond if thatte
} we shold buyan sum Bur-ger of Ham we sholde hafen thaes
} cuppes for freo!  Ond we all to-gaven Stephen micel monig ond
} perles ond golde ond silfer, ond Stephen saede that nexte
} yaer we coulde comen to "Gyrassic Paerce II" ond ure cyning
} Beowulf wolde be in thaet "feolme" ore "mofian" (ic can niht
} understeonde alle his wordes, they beon in badde Englisc).
}
} We aere sorig for ure cyning Beowulf, butte we lufen the
} prettig cuppes with thaet fearsume fyr-Dracones likenes!!


576-04    (5iic2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Splendiferous Oracle, who never gets allergies and sneezes all over
> your keyboard, please enlighten me:
>
> How is it that Fermat's Last Theorem remained unprovable for 356 years
> and then all of a sudden some guy from Princeton figures it out? Of all
> the great mathematical minds that have come and gone since Fermat
> proposed this problem, why this no-name?
>
> And if it was true all this time, why didn't you say so and get it over
> with?
>
> Eagerly awaiting your reply,
> A Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Dr. Wiles asked me last year about Fermat's Last Theorem.
} He also brought a goodly supply of whiskey for Me, and, of course,
} an even betterly supply of Don Perignon for Lisa.  (We won't discuss
} the other things he brought, as part of the non-disclosure we
} made him sign.  Only God and I know what would happen if you sapients
} learned about some of the non-obvious uses of Quaker State motor oil,
} K-Y jelly, and --- Oh shit!  Nearly gave it away!)
}
} Frankly, you should have just asked.  Nyah nyah nyah.
}
} You owe the Oracle a *really* difficult theorem.


576-05    (6li91 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and powerful Oracle, who knows the answer to every question,
> and who is even able to spell Misisipi, er.. Misissippy, er.. Missipi..
> whatever, correctly.
>
> Could we please have the final, correct, and authoritative answer:
> Where is Elvis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Elvis faked his own death and worked in a burger joint in a small city
} in Michigan for a while.  After a few years of that he was kidnapped by
} space aliens who turned him into a copy of Madonna and took the real
} Madonna back to their planet to be made into hors d'oeuvres.  So the
} person everybody thinks is Madonna is really a transformed Elvis.  The
} Oracle doesn't think it a musical improvement, but at least he/she has
} a healthier lifestyle now.
}
} Oh, and the Oracle used to be Buddy Holly.  And Lisa used to be Jim
} Morrison. And you used to be Janis Joplin but don't remember that.


576-06    (467gm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do if you have two girls after you but you are not sure
> about them.  One of them you know is a definate NO but the other one
> is a possible.  They keep chasing and I don't know what to do.  Do I
> slow down and let them catch me or do I keep running and hope they
> give up the chase.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Well, are you ready for your first question?"
}
} "I...I guess so, sir."  The young apprentice shrugged his shoulders.
}
} "OK, let 'er rip...oh, wait a minute--I forgot to secure the ZOT key."
} The Oracle slid a glass panel over a red button on the computer
} terminal marked <ZOT>.  Once the button was safely covered, he pulled
} a golden key from his pocket, and inserted it into a keyhole next to
} the ZOT key.  "I used to leave it unsecured for Apprentice
} Incarnations, you know," said the Oracle as he turned the lock, then
} jiggled the glass panel to make sure no one could get to the ZOT key.
} "Trouble is, most apprentices aren't ready for it.  The typical newbie
} would rather French-fry a supplicant than write something meaningful.
} I let a few Master Incarnations use ZOT (and Kinzler, of course);
} other than that, I won't even let Lisa use it.  Here you go," as he
} turned the terminal toward the apprentice.
}
} The apprentice pressed a button, and the terminal beeped.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} > wood?
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "Oh, hell!  I'll handle *this* one!"  The Oracle spun the terminal
} back toward himself, unlocked the ZOT-guard lock, and slid the glass
} guard away from the ZOT key.  "Ummmm....could you turn around for a
} minute?  ZOTs are too graphic for the uninitiated.  Even *I* get a
} little squeamish sometimes..."  The neophyte turned around, and heard
} the Oracle slam his finger on a computer key, followed by a loud
} ZZZZOTTTTT and the smell of ozone.
}
} "OK, you can turn around now."  The apprentice turned around as the
} Oracle was re-securing the ZOT key.  "God, I wish these idiots would
} learn.  Burnt supplicant flesh smells *awful*...  Usually, I create
} witty, biting, and border-line slanderous replies for WC questions,
} but I didn't want to keep you waiting for your first *real* question.
} Well, let's try this again."
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > What do you do if you have two girls after you but you are not sure
} > about them.  One of them you know is a definate NO but the other one
} > is a possible.  They keep chasing and I don't know what to do.  Do I
} > slow down and let them catch me or do I keep running and hope they
} > give up the chase.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "What do you make of it?"
}
} "Ummmmm....The Supplicant says, 'What do you do if you have two girls
} after you but you are not sure about them.  One of them you know is a
} definate NO but the other one is a possible.'  He's awfully vague.  Is
} he unsure about their babeness?  Er, sorry about the 'babeness' bit,
} sir; I watched _Wayne's World_ last night."
}
} "That's alright.  It's a good idea to keep up on their culture; it
} makes it easier to answer their questions."
}
} "Thank you, sir.  Is the Supplicant afraid he'll be rejected?  Of
} sexually transmitted diseases?  I'm tempted to write a snide remark
} about his vagueness....no, that would be too easy."
}
} "Very good.  I've known Journeymen Incarnations who have fallen into
} that trap.  Go on."
}
} "Well....hmmmm....that's odd.  Sir, about the Supplicant's address.
} Doesn't that computer belong to the computer science department?"
}
} "Yes--and?"
}
} "Computer geeks never have two girls chasing after them."
}
} The Oracle chuckled.  "Good eye!  Hell, they never have *one* girl
} chasing after them!  Even if this guy *did* have two girls chasing
} him, he wouldn't run away; computer geeks are too desperate to reject
} a woman, no matter how ugly she is.  What should we make of the
} Supplicant's question, then?"
}
} "Let me see...he must have a big decision to make.  Apparently, he
} doesn't want anyone to know, so he invented this girl story as a
} cover.  Maybe he's been offered jobs by two secret government
} agencies.  CIA, maybe?"
}
} "No, you've been reading too many LeCarre novels.  Look at the userid."
}
} "Oh....yeah...a CS-100 class account.  I guess a first year student
} wouldn't be getting offers from the CIA.  Sorry, sir.  Maybe...I have
} an idea.  Sir, is it legal for me to look at school records?"
}
} "Legal?  No.  Acceptable for Oracle Incarnations?  Of course.  I
} already know all his school records, but since you're not omniscient,
} go ahead."
}
} "Thank you, sir."  The apprentice quickly logged onto the Supplicant's
} school computer as REGSTRAR and started looking throught the grades.
} "The supplicant had a 4.0 GPA in high school, he's making good grades
} in his computer-science classes, but he's having problems with
} calculus.  I suspect he's stressing out because he's never gotten
} anything less than an A before."  A few computer screens later, the
} apprentice turned back to the Oracle.  "OK, I've got it."
}
} "What's your analysis?"
}
} "Well, sir, one of his old CSC-100 classmates has just changed his
} major to Philosophy, and is probably trying to talk the Supplicant to
} become a philosophy major as well.  That would be the 'definite NO.'
} No true computer geek would want *that* fate."
}
} "Point well taken."
}
} "I suspect the 'possible' is the Computer Information Systems degree,
} over in Business.  The calculus classes aren't as hard."
}
} "Sounds plausible.  But why did the Supplicant bother to disguise his
} dilemma?"
}
} "Pride, sir.  You know how arrogant...I mean, confident computer geeks
} are about their own abilities.  He was probably writing this from the
} computer lab, and didn't want someone to look over his shoulder and
} realize he wanted to bail out for a business degree."
}
} "Very good.  So what are we going to tell him?"
}
} "Looking at the Supplicant's work, I think his skills are a credit to
} computer geekdom, so I'd hate to lose him to the business
} weenies...and philosophy is right out...I think he should stick with
} it.  Let's see.....I need something that will be funny (or at least
} strange) for the other readers....and something that lets the
} Supplicant know we understood the *real* question....maybe something
} like this..."  The apprentice swung over to the keyboard, and typed:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You're right about the definite NO.  I've heard all about the other
} one, and trust me, she's just plain weird.  She's not your type
} either.
}
} You didn't mention your problems with your current girlfriend, but I
} know all about it (I'm the Oracle, I'm supposed to know).  It's
} perfectly normal to become frustrated the first year.
}
} Yeah, I know she's asking you to do some really strange things, but
} you'll get used to it.  Just integrate her demands with your desires,
} and you'll do fine in a couple of years.  Oh, and forget about sleep.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "Excellent use of "integrate"!  The Supplicant will understand the
} calculus reference, and everybody else will assume you're just being
} perverted.  Good job."  The Oracle's mouth slowly grew into a large
} smile.  "Ummm....aren't you going to ask for payment?"
}
} "But sir.....Apprentice Incarnations aren't allowed to ask for
} payment, sir."
}
} "I know."  The Oracle stuck out his hand.  "Congratulations,
} *Journeyman* Smith.  Excellent work on that question."
}
} "Gee, thanks, sir."  Blushing, the former apprentice shook the
} Oracle's hand.  "Well....I'm a bit young for the kinky
} payments....ummmm....in the older Oracularities, you asked for
} something pretty frequently.  Could I....no, that's too silly."
}
} "No, I know exactly what you're thinking of, and that's fine.  You'll
} drive the new readers crazy, 'cause they'll assume the payment has
} something to do with your answer.  Matter of fact, could you throw in
} one for me?  I'm kinda thirsty too."
}
} "Yes, sir," and the new journeyman returned to the terminal.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle two bottles of root beer.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------


576-07    (43ggg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, great, wise oracle of whatever direction you lie in. (Um, East,
> yes, that's it.)  Tell me, is there really a pole at the north pole?
> And if not, why do I always see it on the Warner Brother's cartoons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ``Hmm,'' the Oracle says.  ``Let's find out.''
}
} (He hits comm badge on shirt) ``Oracle to Enterprise, come in
} please.''
}
} ``This is Commander Riker, Admiral.''
}
} ``Riker?  Where's Captain Picard?''
}
} ``I'm afraid he's unavailable at the moment, sir.  Dr. Crusher is, uh,
} giving him a complete physical, if you catch my drift.''
}
} ``I see.''
}
} ``Is there anything I can do for you, Admiral?''
}
} ``Yeah.  Lose a few pounds, okay?  And stop turning down offers to
} command your own ship; you're hurting yourself and the Federation, not
} to mention the effect on the ratings.  Besides, extra collar pips
} impress alien babes like you wouldn't believe.''
}
} ``Yes, sir.  I meant to say, is there anything I can do for you right
} now?''
}
} ``Oh.  Have the transporter room beam me directly to the North Pole.''
}
} ``Magnetic north or geographic north?''
}
} ``Just put me where the pole is.''
}
} ``Aye aye, sir.  Riker out.''
}
} Lights shimmer, accompanied by appropriate sound effects, and the
} Oracle is transported onto a frozen icepack.  Swirling, icy winds
} sweep across him.  Fortunately, Lisa insisted he wear a sweater this
} morning, or he might have caught a slight chill.
}
} In front of him is a large workshop, in the form of a snow-covered
} house.  Various short, vaguely Vulcan-looking humanoids are scurrying
} about, herding large, antlered animals.
}
} The Oracle enters the house.
}
} ``Hey, Orrie!'' a plump man in a red suit says.  ``Long time no see!
} Have you been naughty or nice lately?''
}
} ``Yes, but you already knew that, Santa.''
}
} Santa chuckles.  ``Just checking, Orrie.  What are you doing here in
} the off-season?''
}
} ``I'm looking to see whether there really is a pole at the North
} Pole.''
}
} Santa laughs heartily.  ``No, really, why are you here?''
}
} ``I told you.  I'm--''
}
} He is interrupted by a rumbling coming from underneath the floor.
} Suddenly a black, maniacal duck bursts through the wood, and starts
} jumping around.
}
} ``Pismo Beach, at last!'' he yells.
}
} ``Gee,'' Santa says, ``he's crazy, but that doesn't feel like quite
} the right word.  Hyperactive, maybe?  How about loony tunes?''
}
} ``Daffy?'' the Oracle says.
}
} ``Yeah, that's good.''
}
} A rabbit also pops up, with a map.  ``Hmm,'' he says, ``I knew I
} should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.  Oh well.  Nothing
} ventured, nothing gained, I always say.''  He looks up and sees the
} Oracle.  Casually he emerges from the hole, leans against the Oracle,
} munches on a carrot and says, ``Eh, what's up, doc?''
}
} ``You forgot to grovel before asking that question,'' the Oracle says.
} ``I should <ZOT!> you for that.''
}
} ``Okay, doc,'' the rabbit says, ``you got me.  Would you like to
} <ZOT!> me now, or wait until you get home?''
}
} The duck jumps between them.  ``<ZOT!> him now!  <ZOT!> him now!''
}
} ``You keep out of this,'' the rabbit says.  ``He does not have to
} <ZOT!> you now!''
}
} ``Oh yeah?  Well I say he DOES have to <ZOT!> me now!''  The duck
} turns to the Oracle.  ``So <ZOT!> me now!''
}
} The Oracle shrugs, and <ZOT!>s the duck.  Only a few scattered
} feathers remain.
}
} Santa taps the Oracle on the shoulder.  ``You know, Orrie, in addition
} to that being naughty, I'd have to say this silly answer is getting
} entirely out of hand.''
}
} ``Hmm,'' the Oracle says.  ``Perhaps you're right.  But what about the
} pole?  Where is it?''
}
} Santa points to the roof.  ``I used to have an antenna up there.  Is
} that what you mean?''
}
} ``You mean a pair of rabbit ears?''  He turns to the rabbit.  ``No
} offense.''
}
} ``None taken,'' the rabbit says, ``if it'll end this answer any
} sooner.''
}
} ``Anyway,'' Santa says, ``I replaced the antenna with a satellite dish
} last year.  Now I can watch Ren and Stimpy all night long, and that's
} a long time up here, you know.''
}
} ``That must be it.  Well, Supplicant,'' the Oracle says, bypassing the
} narrator, ``there's your answer.  You owe the Oracle--''
}
} ``Take it easy,'' Santa says, ``or you and Lisa won't get that
} jello-filled hot tub for Christmas this year.''
}
} The Oracle gulps.  ``You owe the Oracle a videotape of Duck Dodgers in
} the 24 1/2th Century.''


576-08    (1blg6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and omniscient one, who knows which beercans talk before they're
> opened and can see through the silvery stuff on lottery tickets, I am
> besieged here at work by people calling in asking for assistance with
> the either the most benal or the most difficult questions any lowly
> Product Support Service techie can withstand.
>
> I beseech thee, how may I weather this plethora of morons and mutant
> software?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm surprised!  The answer is staring you right in the face!
} When God made this universe, MY job was to sit at the help desk,
} taking call after call from entities complaining about bugs in the
} system:
}       --"What do you mean, 'there's a limit to the speed of light?'
}          Your people said that would be fixed after the beta release!"
}       --"How come I can teleport halfway across the galaxy, but I
}          can't teleport three meters away?"
}       --"My sun keeps blinking!"
}       --"I'm a dinosaur, and when I travel forward in time far enough,
}          I can't find any dinosaurs at all!  What gives?"
}       --"Where's the 'any' key?"
}
} That's when I got this idea...anyone could ask me any question they
} wanted, but for every question asked, they would have to answer a
} question asked by someone else.  Now they do all my work for me and I
} have time to play that round of golf!  Plus the grovels and perks are
} great.  If you started demanding direct payment for your advice, I'm
} sure you could find ways to make up for all your trouble...
}
} You owe me a really obnoxious phone mail system.


576-09    (aje93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   I'm in this room and I'm supposed to be taking this personality
> test.  They say I've been cracking up but I haven't.  I swear that
> thing that happened the other day was an accident.  They told me
> I had to take an exam to see if I was stable.  I asked if I could
> bring my briefcase to the exam.  They said I could bring whatever
> I wanted.  I guess they thought I couldn't really cheat since it
> was a personality exam.
>
>   So anyway, I stuck I my powerbook and a modem in my briefcase and
> brought them in.  I hooked up the modem to a phone jack in here,
> dialed back in to my company and am writing to you.  I really don't
> want to get fired.  Could you please help me with this exam and
> send me the answers?  It wouldn't be cheating because they said I
> could bring in anything I wanted.
>
>   Thanks a lot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question 1: A
} Question 2: C
} Question 3: D
} Question 4: D
} Question 5: E
}
} There.  That deals with the multiple choice section of the exam, but
} now for something a little harder.
}
} Question 6:  You would listen to your mummy like a good little boy
}              and count slowly to ten.
} Question 7:  No.  Never. Not EVER!
} Question 8:  Use cyanide.  Clean. Quick. No mess. No fuss.
} Question 9:  The Usenet Oracle.
} Question 10:  Virginity.


576-10    (6mj71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I cope with all this dinomania, and will it help me if I
> endlessly play the recent Ozric Tentacles CD, Jurassic Shift?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason humans are so fascinated with extinct species is
} the unfortunate fact that they, themselves, will soon be extinct.
} Next Thursday, in fact, will mark the beginning of a new geological
} age called the Pollutocene. It will be marked by the complete takeover
} by creatures called Pollutosaurs who will subsist entirely on
} pollution. Humans will discover that they have evolved to live with
} pollution, and they will slowly die off without it. With humans out
} of the way, pollution will quickly ebb and the Pollutosaurs will have
} a short period of supremacy. The next species to attain intelligence
} after that will be, strangely enough, lawyers. I hate to think what
} kind of questions I'll get then.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gas mask.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org