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} "Well, are you ready for your first question?"
}
} "I...I guess so, sir." The young apprentice shrugged his shoulders.
}
} "OK, let 'er rip...oh, wait a minute--I forgot to secure the ZOT key."
} The Oracle slid a glass panel over a red button on the computer
} terminal marked <ZOT>. Once the button was safely covered, he pulled
} a golden key from his pocket, and inserted it into a keyhole next to
} the ZOT key. "I used to leave it unsecured for Apprentice
} Incarnations, you know," said the Oracle as he turned the lock, then
} jiggled the glass panel to make sure no one could get to the ZOT key.
} "Trouble is, most apprentices aren't ready for it. The typical newbie
} would rather French-fry a supplicant than write something meaningful.
} I let a few Master Incarnations use ZOT (and Kinzler, of course);
} other than that, I won't even let Lisa use it. Here you go," as he
} turned the terminal toward the apprentice.
}
} The apprentice pressed a button, and the terminal beeped.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} > wood?
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "Oh, hell! I'll handle *this* one!" The Oracle spun the terminal
} back toward himself, unlocked the ZOT-guard lock, and slid the glass
} guard away from the ZOT key. "Ummmm....could you turn around for a
} minute? ZOTs are too graphic for the uninitiated. Even *I* get a
} little squeamish sometimes..." The neophyte turned around, and heard
} the Oracle slam his finger on a computer key, followed by a loud
} ZZZZOTTTTT and the smell of ozone.
}
} "OK, you can turn around now." The apprentice turned around as the
} Oracle was re-securing the ZOT key. "God, I wish these idiots would
} learn. Burnt supplicant flesh smells *awful*... Usually, I create
} witty, biting, and border-line slanderous replies for WC questions,
} but I didn't want to keep you waiting for your first *real* question.
} Well, let's try this again."
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > What do you do if you have two girls after you but you are not sure
} > about them. One of them you know is a definate NO but the other one
} > is a possible. They keep chasing and I don't know what to do. Do I
} > slow down and let them catch me or do I keep running and hope they
} > give up the chase.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "What do you make of it?"
}
} "Ummmmm....The Supplicant says, 'What do you do if you have two girls
} after you but you are not sure about them. One of them you know is a
} definate NO but the other one is a possible.' He's awfully vague. Is
} he unsure about their babeness? Er, sorry about the 'babeness' bit,
} sir; I watched _Wayne's World_ last night."
}
} "That's alright. It's a good idea to keep up on their culture; it
} makes it easier to answer their questions."
}
} "Thank you, sir. Is the Supplicant afraid he'll be rejected? Of
} sexually transmitted diseases? I'm tempted to write a snide remark
} about his vagueness....no, that would be too easy."
}
} "Very good. I've known Journeymen Incarnations who have fallen into
} that trap. Go on."
}
} "Well....hmmmm....that's odd. Sir, about the Supplicant's address.
} Doesn't that computer belong to the computer science department?"
}
} "Yes--and?"
}
} "Computer geeks never have two girls chasing after them."
}
} The Oracle chuckled. "Good eye! Hell, they never have *one* girl
} chasing after them! Even if this guy *did* have two girls chasing
} him, he wouldn't run away; computer geeks are too desperate to reject
} a woman, no matter how ugly she is. What should we make of the
} Supplicant's question, then?"
}
} "Let me see...he must have a big decision to make. Apparently, he
} doesn't want anyone to know, so he invented this girl story as a
} cover. Maybe he's been offered jobs by two secret government
} agencies. CIA, maybe?"
}
} "No, you've been reading too many LeCarre novels. Look at the userid."
}
} "Oh....yeah...a CS-100 class account. I guess a first year student
} wouldn't be getting offers from the CIA. Sorry, sir. Maybe...I have
} an idea. Sir, is it legal for me to look at school records?"
}
} "Legal? No. Acceptable for Oracle Incarnations? Of course. I
} already know all his school records, but since you're not omniscient,
} go ahead."
}
} "Thank you, sir." The apprentice quickly logged onto the Supplicant's
} school computer as REGSTRAR and started looking throught the grades.
} "The supplicant had a 4.0 GPA in high school, he's making good grades
} in his computer-science classes, but he's having problems with
} calculus. I suspect he's stressing out because he's never gotten
} anything less than an A before." A few computer screens later, the
} apprentice turned back to the Oracle. "OK, I've got it."
}
} "What's your analysis?"
}
} "Well, sir, one of his old CSC-100 classmates has just changed his
} major to Philosophy, and is probably trying to talk the Supplicant to
} become a philosophy major as well. That would be the 'definite NO.'
} No true computer geek would want *that* fate."
}
} "Point well taken."
}
} "I suspect the 'possible' is the Computer Information Systems degree,
} over in Business. The calculus classes aren't as hard."
}
} "Sounds plausible. But why did the Supplicant bother to disguise his
} dilemma?"
}
} "Pride, sir. You know how arrogant...I mean, confident computer geeks
} are about their own abilities. He was probably writing this from the
} computer lab, and didn't want someone to look over his shoulder and
} realize he wanted to bail out for a business degree."
}
} "Very good. So what are we going to tell him?"
}
} "Looking at the Supplicant's work, I think his skills are a credit to
} computer geekdom, so I'd hate to lose him to the business
} weenies...and philosophy is right out...I think he should stick with
} it. Let's see.....I need something that will be funny (or at least
} strange) for the other readers....and something that lets the
} Supplicant know we understood the *real* question....maybe something
} like this..." The apprentice swung over to the keyboard, and typed:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You're right about the definite NO. I've heard all about the other
} one, and trust me, she's just plain weird. She's not your type
} either.
}
} You didn't mention your problems with your current girlfriend, but I
} know all about it (I'm the Oracle, I'm supposed to know). It's
} perfectly normal to become frustrated the first year.
}
} Yeah, I know she's asking you to do some really strange things, but
} you'll get used to it. Just integrate her demands with your desires,
} and you'll do fine in a couple of years. Oh, and forget about sleep.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "Excellent use of "integrate"! The Supplicant will understand the
} calculus reference, and everybody else will assume you're just being
} perverted. Good job." The Oracle's mouth slowly grew into a large
} smile. "Ummm....aren't you going to ask for payment?"
}
} "But sir.....Apprentice Incarnations aren't allowed to ask for
} payment, sir."
}
} "I know." The Oracle stuck out his hand. "Congratulations,
} *Journeyman* Smith. Excellent work on that question."
}
} "Gee, thanks, sir." Blushing, the former apprentice shook the
} Oracle's hand. "Well....I'm a bit young for the kinky
} payments....ummmm....in the older Oracularities, you asked for
} something pretty frequently. Could I....no, that's too silly."
}
} "No, I know exactly what you're thinking of, and that's fine. You'll
} drive the new readers crazy, 'cause they'll assume the payment has
} something to do with your answer. Matter of fact, could you throw in
} one for me? I'm kinda thirsty too."
}
} "Yes, sir," and the new journeyman returned to the terminal.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle two bottles of root beer.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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