} Oh yes, there's no business like show business when it comes to
} reducing that ugly gray matter. Used in conjunction with an
} appropriate dietary plan, you can take years off your brain's life,
} dozens of points off your IQ, and even irreversibly loosen your grasp
} on reality.
} But you have to Act Now! Don't delay, because knowledge has a nasty
} way of seeping into your mind, and only severe and repeated doses of
} tubeotherapy can prevent that. So awa-a-a-y we go!
} Saturday: Cartoons, of course, but nothing so intellectually
} challenging as Tom & Jerry. For the best in totally vacuous viewing,
} you want mind-numbing classics with poor animation like Space Ghost,
} Bird Man, and SuperFriends ("form of... a bowl of onion jello!"). Whip
} up a tasty cheese-puff omelet, and get set for an afternoon with the
} Smurfs, GummiBears, and the Wacky Racers; it's gonna be a lo-o-ong day,
} and you'll need all the empty calories you can get. (Warning: some
} shows should be taken in small doses if you're at all diabetic.)
} Sunday: There's nothing to beat the brainstem like those morning
} yakkity-yak shows. However, to avoid any chance (however slight) that
} those talking heads might impart any shred of knowledge, you should
} watch them with the sound off as you listen to the soothing sounds of
} Zamfir, Master of the Pan Pipes, or perhaps Eva Gabor Does Rap!
} Power-chug a couple of bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to keep
} your strength up.
} Monday: Calmly call your boss (or professor, as the case may be),
} start to explain that you're being held at gunpoint at a post office,
} and hang up in the middle of a sentence; that will keep them too busy
} to bother you. You, supplicant, are entering Phase II and are YOU in
} luck: TNT will be airing its Jerry Lewis Marathon for twelve...
} straight... hours. For maximum exposure, have a port-a-potty installed
} near the TV; you won't want to miss a single slapstick minute. Since
} you'll soon lose the ability to operate simple appliances like the
} microwave, prepare several helpings of chipped Spam in cocktail sauce
} well in advance.
} Tuesday: If anyone calls, tell 'em your boat sank, or your horse threw
} a shoe. It won't matter... because your bloodshot, sunken eyes will be
} feasting on Gilligan, Sea Monkeys, and (by special arrangement) seven
} hours of That Girl, followed by I Love Lucy. Don't worry that you can
} no longer stand upright; you only need shamble between the TV and the
} Wednesday: It's Phase III, and you're doing just fine. Eh? No, no,
} *many* species get by without using opposable thumbs; you don't need
} 'em to operate the remote, anyway, and you can just graze on the
} houseplants when you get hungry. Right after McHale's Navy, catch a
} couple hours of the Home Shopping Channel. Later, "Nick at Night" will
} treat you to "Scooby-Do Meets the Honeymooners" -- don't miss it!
} Wenzday: by now truble unnrstan simpl sntnc bzzzz whrrrrr
} hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .....
} Uhhh, supplicant? Supplicant? Hmmm. Somebody prop him up, or he'll
} miss "The Best of The Gong Show"... and see that he sends me a copy of
} Flowers for Algernon -- and the Unabridged Ren & Stimpy Collection.