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Internet Oracularities #577

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577, 577-01, 577-02, 577-03, 577-04, 577-05, 577-06, 577-07, 577-08, 577-09, 577-10


Usenet Oracularities #577    (52 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:04:14 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   577
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

577   52 votes 2dfe8 1dif5 8di94 3eo92 8dfa6 clc70 b8dc8 5gk83 4ik37 3bke4
577   2.9 mean  3.2   3.2   2.8   2.9   2.9   2.3   3.0   2.8   2.8   3.1


577-01    (2dfe8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and virtuous oracle whose brain is trim and like the steelest
> of traps, tell me, could I trim off my unnecessary brain cells through
> a strict schedule of incessant t.v. viewing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, there's no business like show business when it comes to
} reducing that ugly gray matter.  Used in conjunction with an
} appropriate dietary plan, you can take years off your brain's life,
} dozens of points off your IQ, and even irreversibly loosen your grasp
} on reality.
}
} But you have to Act Now!  Don't delay, because knowledge has a nasty
} way of seeping into your mind, and only severe and repeated doses of
} tubeotherapy can prevent that.  So awa-a-a-y we go!
}
} Saturday:  Cartoons, of course, but nothing so intellectually
} challenging as Tom & Jerry.  For the best in totally vacuous viewing,
} you want mind-numbing classics with poor animation like Space Ghost,
} Bird Man, and SuperFriends ("form of... a bowl of onion jello!").  Whip
} up a tasty cheese-puff omelet, and get set for an afternoon with the
} Smurfs, GummiBears, and the Wacky Racers; it's gonna be a lo-o-ong day,
} and you'll need all the empty calories you can get.  (Warning: some
} shows should be taken in small doses if you're at all diabetic.)
}
} Sunday:  There's nothing to beat the brainstem like those morning
} yakkity-yak shows.  However, to avoid any chance (however slight) that
} those talking heads might impart any shred of knowledge, you should
} watch them with the sound off as you listen to the soothing sounds of
} Zamfir, Master of the Pan Pipes, or perhaps Eva Gabor Does Rap!
} Power-chug a couple of bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to keep
} your strength up.
}
} Monday:  Calmly call your boss (or professor, as the case may be),
} start to explain that you're being held at gunpoint at a post office,
} and hang up in the middle of a sentence; that will keep them too busy
} to bother you.  You, supplicant, are entering Phase II and are YOU in
} luck: TNT will be airing its Jerry Lewis Marathon for twelve...
} straight... hours.  For maximum exposure, have a port-a-potty installed
} near the TV; you won't want to miss a single slapstick minute.  Since
} you'll soon lose the ability to operate simple appliances like the
} microwave, prepare several helpings of chipped Spam in cocktail sauce
} well in advance.
}
} Tuesday:  If anyone calls, tell 'em your boat sank, or your horse threw
} a shoe.  It won't matter... because your bloodshot, sunken eyes will be
} feasting on Gilligan, Sea Monkeys, and (by special arrangement) seven
} hours of That Girl, followed by I Love Lucy.  Don't worry that you can
} no longer stand upright; you only need shamble between the TV and the
} fridge.
}
} Wednesday:  It's Phase III, and you're doing just fine.  Eh?  No, no,
} *many* species get by without using opposable thumbs; you don't need
} 'em to operate the remote, anyway, and you can just graze on the
} houseplants when you get hungry.  Right after McHale's Navy, catch a
} couple hours of the Home Shopping Channel.  Later, "Nick at Night" will
} treat you to "Scooby-Do Meets the Honeymooners" -- don't miss it!
}
} Wenzday:  by now truble unnrstan simpl sntnc bzzzz whrrrrr
} hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .....
}
} Uhhh, supplicant?  Supplicant?  Hmmm.  Somebody prop him up, or he'll
} miss "The Best of The Gong Show"... and see that he sends me a copy of
} Flowers for Algernon -- and the Unabridged Ren & Stimpy Collection.


577-02    (1dif5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Friendly Oracle, whose excellent taste is famous far beyond the
> seacoast of Indiana, please tell me the difference between the various
> kinds of German wines.  There's Kabinett, Spaetlese, Auslese, Eiswein,
> Liebfraumilch, Inhaltsverziechnis, and Allerechtevorbehalten, and lots
> more strange terms that confuse me.  An explanation would be most
> helpful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} German wines adhere to very strict labelling standards, because a
} country that is so clean and proper in every way would never, ever
} do such a thing as put sugar water or wood alcohol in their wines,
} the way those lazy Spanish and Italians do, and the way the Turks
} probably would if they could even grow wine in their miserable
} rocky country that they all want to escape from so they can go on
} the dole in Berlin...
}
} Ahem.  Sorry.  As for your question.
}
} There are two things to pay attention to on a German wine label,
} the appellation and the quality mark.  The appellation is merely
} the region the wine came from, for example the Rhine or Mosel river
} valleys.  You can use this information to evaluate the soil from
} which the wine was produced.  Any German embassy in your country
} is required by law to ship you a soil sample from the viniculture
} region of your choice if you send them a self-addressed envelope
} along with a plasticine bag.
}
} There are many quality marks.  These are strict grades of the care
} with which your wine was prepared.  Their meanings are as follows.
}
} Tafelwein:       The lowest grade, used when you wish to drink
}                  someone under the table.
}
} Kabinett:        A wine to keep in your cabinet because you would
}                  be embarrassed if your guests saw the label.  Serve
}                  it from a carafe.
}
} Spaetlese:       A wine whose grapes were picked very late, no doubt
}                  by a lazy Turkish immigrant.  Avoid this one.
}
} Auslese:         A wine whose grapes were specially selected.
}
} Behrenauslese:   A wine whose grapes were specially selected by
}                  trained bears.
}
} Gastarbeiter-    A wine whose grapes were specially selected by
} auslese:         foreigners who probably didn't even wash their
}                  hands after going to the toilet.
}
} Hinauslese:      Not a wine, but a quaint traditional German pastime
}                  in which young men pick ripe wine grapes and pelt
}                  foreigners with them to playfully encourage them to
}                  return to their homelands.  If you see this on a
}                  wine bottle someone is tugging your leg, as your
}                  funny saying goes!
}
} ===
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why every Italian town you pass
} through on the train seems to be named "Sottopassaggio."


577-03    (8di94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Schrodinger's cat male or female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was neutered in an experiment.


577-04    (3eo92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Divine Majestical and Glamourous Great Oracle of the Usenet please
> give unto me the information that I so desperately require.
>
> As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives.  Each wife
> had seven sacks and each sack had seven cats, and each cat had seven
> rats.  Wives, rats, sacks and cats, how many were going to St Ives?
>
> Your loyal and faithful supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} That answer to that is simple.  Hah!  Think you're going to fool the
} great and mighty Oracle.  Sheesh.  Oh.  Wait.
}
} <Radio>  And in a freak accident today, a man on the road to St. Ives
} was found mauled.  His face was badly disfigured by claws, whether
} cats, rats, or irate wives it cannot be certian.
}
} <Bystander>  It was horrible.  All these animals...  and women...  The
} women just swarmed over him like insects...  and they all had these
} bags, see...  they tossed them at the poor guy...  I just...  It was
} horrible.  *sobbing, choking noises*
}
} <Announcer>  So you actually _saw_ the incident?
}
} <Bystander>  Well...  I was coming up the road, and I heard it.  I got
} here a bit later, to be honest.
}
} <Announcer>  So you didn't see it...
}
} <Bystander>  Well, I...  no.
}
} <Announcer>  But you found the man?
}
} <Bystander>  *sounding a little more perky* Yes.  Found him right here.
}
} <Announcer>  And where is he now?
}
} <Bystander>  Well...  I uh...
}
} <Announcer>  *prodding* He didn't get up and walk away, did he?  You
} said he was dead.
}
} <Bystander>  *sounding nonplussed* Well...  I...  er...  That is to
} say...
}
} <Announcer>  Say...  I know you!  You're that reporter that chased the
} tornado!  Still looking for a story, eh?
}
} *Oracle clears throat*
} So there you have it, supplicant.  The answer to your question is:
}
} No one.  It was all just media hype.
} And stop chasing Tornadoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spot on TV 6 news.


577-05    (8dfa6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quick nurse, the screens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh, Doctor!", she moaned, as her white crenlin nurses uniform slid to
} the floor.  "If I'd known, we could have done this sooner."  I didn't
} answer, I just gave here something to ....
}
} Hey!  Who the hell are you?
}
} >Oracle Preist.  You can't do that here, this is a family Oracularity.
}
} Oh?  Says who?  Can't you just leave us for, er, about a half, no
} better make it an hour?  Then come back, and we can do family-oriented
} stuff.
}
} >Sorry, the tour group is here now.  I must say this doesn't look very
} >professional.
}
} Hey, look, I'm all for tours and publicity and all that, but now is a
} really really bad time for me to be entertaining a tour group.  Nurse
} Ilse and I were um.... involved in a rather difficult procedure, yeah,
} that's it.
}
} >Look Doc, we know exactly what you were up to.  Don't give me any of
} >this "medical procedure" stuff.  You know the rules; when you're
} >representing the Oracularities, you have to maintain the standards.
} >What would you think if you were at Disney World <TM> and found one of
} >the Mouseketeers in the bushes with Snow White?
}
} Well, I'd certainly leave them the hell alone!
}
} >That's not my point.  We have a reputation to maintain here.
}
} Yes, and so does Nurse Ilse, and I was TRYING to find out if that
} reputation was warranted.
}
} >Look, Doc...how about this:  I'll take the tour group away, if you'll
} >fill me in on how it went later on?
}
} Sounds like a deal.  You don't happen to have an Egret feather with
} you, by any chance?
}
} >Yeah, I always keep one in my wallet, just in case.  Here you are!
}
} <slam> <click>  Oh, ILSE!


577-06    (clc70 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are penguins jealous of time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Innocent suplicant who asks a question which would make Telly Sevalas
} grow hair....
}
}       The Penguin/Time confrontation has taken place for centuries and
} without an explanation of which, you would not full understand it's
} answer.
}
} IN THE BEGINNING when the world was a vortex and existance but a swirl
} of chemicals and reality was still in question (even more so than it is
} now at least...) there were three supreme beings who plotted the fate
} of what was to be.
} THERE WAS TIME, and time existed with the force of an unstoppable
} object, forever flowing and growing, absorbing and learning. Time did
} not want to do these things, it just did so as it was it's nature.. And
} as it grew and expanded  so did it's reputation among the lesser
} omnipotent beings, for who doesn't respect something that will destroy
} everything and anything in it's path?
} THERE WAS ORACLE, which existed within the realm of pure thought and
} knowledge, it knows all and sees all, nothing beyond it's power of
} comprehension. And it was respected and revered by all for it's
} forgiving to the less understanding and the knowledge it would impart
} upon request.
} THERE WAS PENGUIN, which  existed in a land of black and white,
} cold and ice. Penguin  had no real qualities, it just was, and as
} such was respected only mildly. After time  Penguin grew jelous of
} time, as he seemed to get more attention. Of course this was true
} but when was the last time you saw a penguin barreling down upon you?
} Not a very frightening thought, let me assure you.
}
} AND THUS IT WAS that the penguin did devise a scheme to undermine and
} destroy time, so as to make it's powers and reputation penguin's own.
} The first step was where penguin made the  mistake, for it sought to
} make the oracles knowledge it's own,  by destroying and absorbing it.
} Of course the allmighty oracle saw this event comming and as the
} penguin charged it, the oracle non-chalantly high tailed it and hid
} behind time. Penguin bumped into time and fell on it's face, thus
} looking quite the fool. Penguin was riddiculed by all the other minor
} omnipotent beings, and thus disgraced  went and  forever decided to
} stay in the seclusion of cold daark areas  of the multiverse...and thus
} the story of PENGUINS shame and  it's eternal jelousy of TIME is told.
}
} And the price of this recounting is passed unto yye supplicant in the
} form of:
}
}       1 (one) pair of hip-boots


577-07    (b8dc8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you not got something better to do than this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure I do, but then again your mother is not available all the time...


577-08    (5gk83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh hig and might  warrior of wisdom, with wich you weave wonders and
> woe, would you ever so graciously lend unto my petty ear (whose cannals
> are not worthy of thine least belch), the answer to this question of
> mine....
>
> When the light goes off in the refrigerator after I close the door,
> do  the contents of said refrigerator still exist? If not where do they
> go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O small and craven Supplicant of great ignorance, who is a woeful sight
} to behold, your ear is indeed unworthy to be belched in (but I shall do
} it nevertheless: brap):
}
} What makes you think the light does go off when you close the door?
}
} You owe the Oracle Shroedinger's cat.


577-09    (4ik37 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise oracle, tell me, what does it mean if a guy has a big nose,
> big hands and a big ego?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would mean he's a cert for the leading role in :
}       "Pinochio The Basketball Star Runs For President"


577-10    (3bke4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of movies past, please tell me where does the RED brick road
> lead in the Wizard of Oz.
> Uncle Henry

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kansas.  The munchkins always were mischievous little sods and couldn't
} resist the practical joke.


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