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Internet Oracularities #579

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579, 579-01, 579-02, 579-03, 579-04, 579-05, 579-06, 579-07, 579-08, 579-09, 579-10


Usenet Oracularities #579    (56 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 23:16:02 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   579
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

579   56 votes 19lj6 ccl92 0ase4 8kf94 5bob5 4fic7 9fjb2 6hia5 8mdb2 7b8dh
579   2.9 mean  3.4   2.6   3.2   2.7   3.0   3.1   2.7   2.8   2.6   3.4


579-01    (19lj6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose wisdom is eclipsed only by the most
> massive stellar object, whose knowledge is exceeded only by the super-
> enhanced CRAY-9000, and whose patience is exceeded only by that of the
> Altarian sand-beetle, who strives to build his nest out of 20 ton
> boulders,
>
> What the heck was my question going to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wanted to know what to do about the fifty-five pound shrew that
} keeps taking your livestock.  Hence your preoccupation with Really Big
} Things, just now.
}
} Hoo, boy, are you in trouble.  The Giant Shrew (Soricidae Thaumindi
} gigantor) is rarely seen on this plane of existence-- after all, the
} damn thing never sleeps and eats its own weight in meat every few
} *hours*. This is why you keep seeing a blur out of the corner of your
} eye and next thing you know, WHAM-- nothing left but a few drifting
} wisps of wool and the diminishing echos of a terminal bleat.
}
} You should call an exterminator.  Not that he'll be able to help-- I
} just want you to see what's left of the body when the shrew gets done
} with it.  It's very important you understand the gravity of the
} situation.  Hell, go ahead and call your ex and send him into the
} woods after mushrooms.  Heh heh heh.
}
} Enough fooling around.  Go get a couple claymore mines and booby-trap
} an ewe.  Make sure you read the directions ("This side towards
} shrew.")
}
} Of course, this will only wound the fiend.  Your next move should be
} to arm yourself with a shotgun, strip down to your teddy, and poke
} around the farm, sticking your nose into all available dark corners as
} the audience screams "Don't go in there, dummy!"
}
} Try to survive the exercise.  I'm really looking forward to the
} sequel: "Banana Slugs of Doom."


579-02    (ccl92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got a light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I AM light.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of the Marlboro man on a platter.


579-03    (0ase4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh divine Oracle, to whom I bequeathe my worthless soul during the
> afterlife...
>
> What happens to us when we die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have heard all that malarkey about, when we die, we are greeted by
} loved ones who have long since past and the tunnel with the light and
} the big fields and all that rigamarole.  But, I truly believe that,
} upon our decease, we are provided with the answers to the questions
} that have plagued the flotsam and jetsam of humanity for eons.  For
} example:
}
} *Why, pray tell, are the buttons and men's shirts are on one side while
} the buttons on women's shirts are on the other side?
}
} *Was Ayatollah Khomeni any fun as a child?
}
} *What is "nitty?"  Can it be divorced from "gritty?"
}
} *Why do they call them "bangs?"  (I'm talking about the hair stuff.)
}
} *Remember those Trident Gum commercials in which they say that 4 out of
} 5 dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew
} gum? Now, what in the world does that fifth dentist recommend?  Packets
} of seething saccharin?
}
} *Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop?  As a corollary, who put
} the wham in the wham a lam a ding dang?
}
} Why do we entrust our lives to greasy toothless dung-for-brains who
} work the rides at amusement parks?  HAS ANYONE EVER CONSIDERED THIS?
} WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??????
}
} Finally, the question that corrodes the bounds of rational thought--
}
} IS MICHAEL BOLTON A MAN??????
}
} Thusly, all the afterlife really amounts to is a collection of un-used
} or re-used Oracle questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jam-session with Morrissey and Robert Smith (from
} "The Cure").


579-04    (8kf94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@vpm.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, I see you have one of those machines that goes "PING!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I couldn't afford a PC and a wordprocessor.


579-05    (5bob5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose IQ, if counted out in raindrops,
> would make a great Flood,
>
> I keep hearing on TV about them building Levis to control the flood.
> I don't understand, please explain?
>
> And by the way, O Oracle whose years in counted out in raindrops
> would make a great flood, if Levis are so great against floods,
> why did Noah have so much trouble?
> (Must've been lots of Levis in the Old Testament, no?)
>
> --13

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Levee is a mound of dirt, shaped to effectively raise the banks of a
} river so that the river must raise a lot higher before spilling over,
} and covering the nearby countryside.
}
} As to why Levees were not very effective during the great flood, the
} Oracle will give thee a bit 'o advice.
}
} If you ever have the opportunity to make a bet on who will win out
} between:
}
} (a) A mound of dirt
}
} and
}
} (b) A vengeful "God and all-powerful creator of everything".
}
} Always put your money on (b).
}
} You owe the Oracle one thousand sacks of sand, to be delivered to Iowa.


579-06    (4fic7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O bestest Oracle of Oracles.
>
> How short can my grovelling be without getting ZOTed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Masters and Johnson Grovelling
} Clinic.


579-07    (9fjb2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle of the Tupperware!
>
> How do they get the nonstick coating on frying pans, to stick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not as complicated as it sounds, actually:  You see, high up in
} the Himalayas is a small, dwindling band of dedicated Snot Tree
} cultivators.  The rather disgusting Snot Tree stands about 12
} feet high and continuously secretes a sort of slimey, foul smelling
} resin from special glands, which originally evolved to attract yaks
} (the Snot Tree, much like the Venus Flytrap, tempts animals into
} getting too close, at which point the plant makes a quick twitch and
} smacks it's lips) which is dutifully collected by the wizened old men
} who tend the trees and sold for exorbiant prices to gullible
} representatives from appliance companies. They, in turn, pay people to
} coat their pots and pans with the Snot Tree Resin, which bonds to the
} metal and eventually dries, becoming a slick, non-stick surface.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Yaks and a complete set of Tupperware.


579-08    (6hia5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle, who is so persuasive that thou could sell a Rolls
> Royce to an old beggar, and so warmhearted that thou would tell that
> beggar how to make his/her fortune fast enough to make the first
> payment. O Oracle, who could get thou foot in the door fast enough to
> prevent thyself from being turned away from any door, if there were a
> homeowner who would turn away the Oracle, which there is not.
>
> O Oracle, please hear the plea of thy most unworthy servant, who is not
> worthy of shining your leather briefcase full of samples, and answer
> this, my most ignorant question yet.
>
> When they finished filming George Romero's: _Day of the Dead_, what did
> they do with all the Zombies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They were scrapped and bought by Michael Jackson for spare parts.


579-09    (8mdb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most magnificent Oracle, whose eyesight is good enough to know
> whether passing satellites are 'theirs' or 'ours'. Whose sense of smell
> is good enough to know what aftershave is used by Television
> newsreaders when watching from home, if the Oracle ever needed to watch
> the news which thou do not.
>
> Please, great Oracle, please help thy ignorant disciple, who is not
> worthy of being used as a prop when demonstrating thy most magnificent
> sense of touch, by answering this question.
>
> Recently I visited York in Yorkshire. It doesn't have a Statue of
> Liberty, it doesn't have an Empire State Building, it doesn't even have
> a harbour or islands.
>
> Why then, did they name New York 'New York'? The two have nothing in
> common.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hear, ye!  Hear, ye!  The GPWGNPAS (Group of People Who Give Names to
} Previously Anonymous States) shall come to order!"
}
} The group fidgeted.  This was a big day.  Not ONLY was today the day
} they named a state, but they also got to name its capital, too!
}
} "Now," said the chairman.  "What are we going to call it?"
}
} "Missouri?"
} "Used that."
} "Earth?"
} "Too broad."
} "Waco?"
} "We DON'T want to fry the place."
} "York?"
} The entire group gasped.  An obvious traitor, this young
} whipper-snapper would be whip-snapped.  How could anyone give the name
} of a CITY in a foreign country?
}
} "Get him!"
}
} The young man was quickly tied down as the other memers of the Club
} went to go get clubs, sticks, feathers, chocolate sauce and woodchucks.
}
} "No, wait!  I was just kidding!  I'm NEW around here, anyway!"
}
} Just as they were about to lay on the whip-snap-cream, the chairman
} said:
}
} "Hey!  I've got an idea!"
}
} "Now what?  We haven't finished keelhauling him yet!"
}
} "Why don't we stretch him on the rack and turn him into a building to
} show the world that he's Empirious!"
}
} "Yeah, then we'll take his wife and make her hold a torch while
} standing on an island for the foreseeable future!"
}
} The crowd cheered.  They were eating it up, not to mention the Sundaes
} they were making.
} ***
}
} So, it was done.  They put everybody in the proper places, and decided
} to call it New York, in order to show the monarch's place in American
} society.
}
} You owe the oracle the Vampire State Building, and _The Easy Road to
} New York Dining_.


579-10    (7b8dh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct honor and privelige to
} introduce our guest manifestation for this evening, direct from a Red
} Eye flight from Vegas, put your hands together for....Mr. Francis!
} Albert! Sinatra!  Whooo.....!
}
} Tell me, baby, that you need me,
} Tell me, baby, that you think *POW* I'm *POW* fine.....
} Seal that letter with E-Kisses,
} And send it down that kooky Usenet line....!
}
} Ask me any question you desire,
} Ask me anything you want *POW* to *POW* know
} Just stick that crazy 'tellme' in that header, doll,
} So the kooky mail daemon can tell it where to goooooo!
}
} 'Tellme' ain't no question,
} Unless preceded by 'Can you' with a question mark at the ennnnnnd....!
} *BA-DUMP BUMP BUMP BUP DA DAAAAH! BA-DUMP BUMP BA DAAAH!*
} I have a suggestion,
} Why don't you have your next letter proofread by a personal
} friennnnnnd! *BA-DUMP BUMP BUMP BUP BA DA DAAAAH! BA-DUMP BUMP BA DA
} DAAAAH!*
}
} And then SEND! that crazy E-Mail to me,
} Send me that E-Mail, I'll respond *POW* in *POW* time!
} Just stick that nutty 'tellme' in that header, doll,
} And send it down that kooky Yoo! Snet! Line......!
} Yeah!
}
} *APPLAUSE* Mr. Frank Sinatra, ladies and gentlemen! Big round of
} applause! Much appreciated, Mr. Sinatra, thank you very much.
}
} FRANK: No problem, Orrie baby. Hey, tell that nutty supplicant he
} owes you an autographed copy of my Best Of album, okay?
}
} You bet, Frank. You heard the man, supplicant.


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