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Internet Oracularities #58

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58, 58-01, 58-02, 58-03, 58-04, 58-05, 58-06, 58-07, 58-08, 58-09, 58-10


Usenet Oracularities #58    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Nov 89 23:54:07 GMT

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58-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I reach the fourth plateau, and who is this Lisa person
> everyone's obsessed with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The fourth plateau is most easily reached by obtaining access to the
} three plateaus below it.  The four plateaus are:
}
}         First :  mouth-to-mouth contact (kissing to the unenlightened)
}         Second:  Stroking of the upper part of the body (petting above
}                  the waist)
}         Third :  Stroking of the lower part of the body (petting below
}                  the waist)
}         Fourth:  Coitus (getting laid, screwing, and other such things)
}
}   When a state of mutual hormonal excitement is entered, (usually while
} the first plateau is being crossed), the second and third will follow in
} sequence, unless you are in a decided hurry, in which case you may
} remove all clothing and proceed to the fourth plateau.  Otherwise, take
} it slow and easy, and you will find that it is a downhill rush from the
} first to the last if the desire to achieve the plateau being sought is
} mutual.
}
}   Lisa is the net.sex.goddess.  Read rec.humor!
}
}   You owe the oracle a trip to see his SO for some plateau-traversing.


58-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what da fuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is impressed by your terse, mordant wit.  What brilliance!
} Samuel Johnson could not have done as well!
}
} A fuck is an act of sexual intercourse, or the person you perform such
} an act with, or simply a (probably stupid or pitiable) person in general
} (as in "that poor dumb fuck doesn't know how to...").


58-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it hurt when I pee?
> Why does it hurt when I pee?
> I don't want no doctor to stick no needle in me...
> Why does it hurt when I pee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Be careful where you stick it.
}   Don't let the bad ones lick it.
}   You used it once to think with,
}
}   you owe the Oracle the last line of this poem.


58-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
> And in a similiar vein...
> What's the correct response to "What's up?"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct response is a rather noncommittal, shallow-sounding
}       "Oh, sure" and "Not much...".
}
} The sarcastic response is "Oh, you're welcome" and "<insert current
}       philosophy on Life>".
}
} The mad-at-the-world response is "Fuck you" and "Fuck you!".


58-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a real person named Howard Johnson, responsible for those
> horrid places with the orange roofs and the pecan logs?
>
> What about Stuckey's?  Is there a Mr or Ms Stuckey?  And *why* is there
> never a Stuckey's anywhere near where I've lived?  I only see them when
> I'm driving cross country -- are they mere illusions that fade under
> careful scrutiny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a real person named Howard Johnson, but he is dead.  He has
} left relatives, one of which was named for him and is still involved in
} the business.
}
} There was a Stuckey, but he was bought out.  You bring back dear
} memories with the mention of Stuckey's.  There is a Stuckey's building
} (now taken over by a boat dealer) not 30 miles from the Oracle -- the
} Stuckey's places in Illinois seem to be all shut down.
}
} At any rate, the Oracle and his dear sister, now the demigoddess of
} surgery (and quite available if you're rich, brilliant, and as amazingly
} well-read and talented as the Oracle is), used to go to Stuckey's and
} get their free coloring books, filled with doggerel lauding Stuckey's.
} A bit of careful work with black felt-tip pens and some editing of the
} doggerel produced highly satisfying results, of which even today the
} Oracle can remember a few:  "Ev'ry trip's a torture trip / When it stops
} at Fuckey's.  / Piss and worms / Little germs / Love to stop at
} Fuckey's." This was one of the milder alterations.
}
} By the way, the Oracle's sisteer makes Lisa look like a mindless
} beagle...  and if Lisa ever gets under her scalpel...


58-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a worthless speech to give on Thursday in my Speech class.
> I don't want to do so.
> If I don't give my speech I will fail the class.
> If I do not pass this class in the next two terms before I graduate,
>       I will not graduate.
> If I do not graduate I will go to Arizona and get a job as
>       consulting engineer on a space-habitat research project.
> I have already missed one speech in this class.
> What will I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly mortal!  Simply look beyond whence you have looked.  For your
} convenience, I have cited your last conditional, and will pick up from
} there:
}
} If I do not graduate I will go to Arizona and get a job as consulting
}    engineer on a space-habitat research project.
}
} If I go to Arizona and get a job as consulting engineer on a
}    space-habitat research project, I will do such impressive work that
}    the company in Arizona will hire me full-time.
} If I do such impressive work that the company in Arizona will hire me
}    full time I will meet my future wife, a sexy and sharp scientist
}    who will lavish me with love and affection and give great head.
} If I meet my future wife, a sexy and sharp scientist who will
}    lavish me with love and affection and give great head I will have
}    the self-confidence necessary to propell myself into the position
}    of coordinator of the space-habitat research project.
} If I have the self-confidence necessary to propell myself into the
}    position of coordinator of the space-habitat research project, I
}    will eventually work my way up as a corporate executive.
} If I work my way up as a corporate executive, I will have to lay off
}    seven people next year, including my wife, due to government budget
}    cuts in the space-habitat research project.
} If I lay off seven people next year, including my wife, due to
}    government budget cuts in the space-habitat research project, my
}    wife will resent me, subject me to crude sexual insults and file
}    for divorce.
} If my wife resents me, subjects me to crude sexual insults and files
}    for divorce, I will become depressed and start drinking.
} If I become depressed and start drinking, I will soon lose my job with
}    the company in Arizona.
} If I lose my job with the company in Arizona I will seek alcohol
}    counseling, find my way back to school, and finish that damn speech
}    class that I needed to graduate in the first place.
} If I seek alcohol counseling, find my way back to school, and finish
}    that damn speech class that I needed to graduate in the first
}    place, I will graduate.
}
} I know it's tough to give up a corporate exec position, and yes, your
} future wife will be able to suck a golf ball through twenty feet of
} garden hose, but if you want my advice, sacrifice these things, get
} off your lazy ass and finish the fuckin' speech right now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twenty minute discussion on the virtues of
} conditional statements in logic and reasoning.  And your
} ex-future-ex-wife's phone number.  And a golf ball.  And twenty feet
} of garden hose.


58-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, once in a while I get an interest in some strange
> subject and start asking you questions.  The subject now is:  supple
> girls.  Not related to sex, just generally.
>
> Q: You must have known quite many girls in your long life.  Who was the
>    most limber of them all?  Can you give some examles of what she was
>    capable of doing with her supple self?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most limber of all was a sorceress named Drusilla, who could render
} herself entirely boneless if she wished, and ooze all over the Oracle,
} providing intimate contact over half the surface of his skin...imagine
} the feel of warm, soft woman-skin against half your body, with no gaps,
} fitting against you like a tight glove.  The Oracle gets aroused just
} thinking of it.


58-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, I have been asking about one topic lately.  I just
> got carried away.  This will hopefully be the last of my peculiar
> questions.  The topic?  Supple girls.
>
> I have a list of 7 pretty girls I know.  I won't reveal their names,
> but I am sure You must know who I mean.
>
> Oracle Most Wise, which ones (if any) of these 7 pretty girls are able
> to relax comfortably in the lotus position?  You know, sitting with
> the legs almost like a knot, both feet resting lightly on the opposite
> thigh.  Can any of them even enter this supple position easily without
> helping with their hands?
>
> I am just curious, you know.  And I can't just go and ask them.
>
> There is an 8th pretty girl, she is in my class.  I have once seen her
> grab one ancle and place it behind her neck with ease.  What more can
> she do?
>
> Please, O Mighty Oracle, satisfy my curiousity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shirley and Janice can do the lotus position. Janice has been practising
} from childhood and can do it hands-free. Your 8th girl has a neat trick
} of sitting on the edge of a table with her legs tucked behind her
} back, which gives you nearly limitless freedom, doesn't it!
}
} Did you realise, incidentally, that she shaves her public hair
} and never wears a bra under that tight red sweater?


58-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have told be about the sorceress Drusilla, who could render
> herself boneless.  Of course, no earhtly human can do that.  But I
> wonder, Oracle Most Wise, the most supple eathly girl you know, what,
> exactly, is *she* able to do?  I don't mean sex, I am sure you must
> have had enough questions on that subject.
>
> Just what kinds of positions can she assume and what movements can she
> make with her supple self?  I am curious, so please tell me,
> O Mighty One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, just what positions!  And oh what movements!  Indeed, she is
} far able to perform and surpass all positions given in the Kama Sutra!
} Yes, flesh against flesh; touching, pulsating, brimming with life!  The
} hot, moist, sticky sensations as she performs obscenely erotic
} techniques impossible to mere mortal females!
}
} -- But wait!  You said you don't mean sex!  Sigh, and just as the Oracle
} was getting aroused.  Well, then, lets see:
}
}   o She can touch both her elbows with both hands
}   o She can put her knees behind her ears
}   o She can tie herself up like a pretzel
}
} Of course, these are all conducive to sex (the Oracle, after all, has an
} infintely dirty mind).
}
} You owe the Oracle a life size, anatomically correct Gumby(TM) doll.


58-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, I am sorry for all these questions about supple
> girls.  As I said, I got sort of carried away with a sudden
> curiousity.  This is definitely the last one on this subject, this
> particular curiousity will soon be over.  As I also said, *today* I am
> not at all interested in sex, just suppleness as such.  Please
> remember that.
>
> I saw a girl on TV the other day.  First she did the splits.  Then she
> bent the knee on the leg pointing back, to, say, 75'.  And finally, as
> if it was the easiest thing, she bent backwards till she could rest
> her head on the back of her thigh, her chin agains her calf.
>
> Great Oracle, what other fantastic acts can this limber girl perform?
> Can you give me an example or two?  I would be grateful if you would
> satisfy my curiousity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One act she REALLY has perfected is this:
}
} Starting standing up she start by extending her right arm straight
} backwards VERY gracefully. Then she rotates her body so that the arm
} points left. Last she rotates the body back and sends her right hand
} at great speed into the face of the boy in front of her.
}
} You owe the Oracle a true love.


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