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Internet Oracularities #580

Goto:
580, 580-01, 580-02, 580-03, 580-04, 580-05, 580-06, 580-07, 580-08, 580-09, 580-10


Usenet Oracularities #580    (57 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:42:03 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   580
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

580   57 votes 68egd 6ehd7 9cn76 7mf76 5dgg7 5ji96 6egh4 6kn53 4hdf8 19gla
580   3.0 mean  3.4   3.0   2.8   2.7   3.1   2.9   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.5


580-01    (68egd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do boys ignore you when they are around there friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Well, my dear, speaking as a former boy (in the normal, grown-to-
} become-a-man sense, rather than the "Geraldo" interpretation some of
} your warped little fellow mortals might have been imagining) I shall
} attempt to hazard a couple of guesses as to what might be going on.  Of
} course, I AM omniscient, so these are what you could call educated
} guesses...
}
}      The first possibility is that you are suffering from a side effect
} of machismo, also known as the "are you getting any?" phenomenon.
} You see, us men, crude copulation-hungry beasts that we are, are
} continuously in search of sex.  However, because of the constraints of
} morality (rarely), health (infrequently), or not being able to get a
} date (almost always) we much satisfy our carnal urges vicariously.
} This has led to an unspoken compact among men, not unsimiliar to the
} "fish story" agreement: namely, that all males shall continuously
} cross-exam all others of their gender about their sexual exploits, and
} grossly exaggerate any such when they themselves are so examined.
}
}      That way everybody is more or less satisfied, except the ones who
} get blue-balls and have to, ah, whack off. (Stop me, my dear, if this
} grows a bit too indelicate for your tender ears).  The point here
} however, is that, within the male community, being seen actually
} communicating with a female is seen as a virtual guarantee of sexual
} activity, requiring several hours worth of exposition (i.e.,
} invention).  Perhaps your male friend simply wasn't feeling creative
} enough to be caught talking to you.
}
}       Another possibility (and this is really just another effect of
} machismo) is that he was "bailing out."  The term is from baseball: it
} means jumping out of the way of the ball.  See, one thing that
} happens from all these testosterone-laden chats we have is that
} inexperienced young males get the idea that females are terribly
} complicated creatures - wouldn't YOU be afraid of something that had a
} "vulva"?  This is especially true when you consider that the nature of
} the stories is such that it tends to exaggerate the, ah, physical
} demands of gender interaction.  And even that is just a side-note to
} the more central problem of actual conversation.  What, after all, does
} a boy say to someone who isn't in the least interested in why the
} Knicks didn't have a draft pick?  Do women also tell sex stories, he
} wonders.  Do we then talk about sex, and if so, will she expect me to
} be able to do it while Bungee (tm) jumping, like Hank said he did with
} Sheila...?  When the young male in question sees a fastball like this
} flying at his face, and him without so much as the conversational
} batting helmet of a clever pick-up line, he ducks.  He bails out.  He
} ignores you and talks to his friends.
}
}       So fear not.  The farther he ducks, the more he wants to be at
} the plate (err...though this should not be confused with that other
} popular male baseball metaphor.  I can't help myself from talking
} that way; I'm a guy).  In other words, he probably is interested in
} you, though he seems to devote more attention in public to his Air
} Jordans (tm).  My ultimate advice: call him with a pre-arranged
} conversation topic.  (My suggestion: "The Oracle:  Irresistible stud or
} merely extraordinarily attractive?")  Good luck.
}
}       You owe the Oracle the game ball.  Or whatever.


580-02    (6ehd7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, have I screwed up!  I won't bore you with the entire
> story but let's just say that the explosion caused a small tear in the
> space-time continuum and this morning I met my wife of the future who
> is pregnant with our third child (I about wrote her off as some
> nut-case but then she showed me a picture of me (sans hair) with her
> and (my?) two kids standing next to a sign that read:
>
>          "Welcome to Atlantis! (formerly Des Moines, Iowa)"
>                           "Founded 1993"
>
>                  "Celebrate our Tenth Anniversary"
>             "Join in the Fun, Compete for Prizes in:"
>               "The underwater corn-picking contest"
>                    "The levee building relay"
>                 "The bobbing for furniture game"
>
>                     "Bring the whole family"
>             "(And don't forget your umbrella! Ha! Ha! Ha!)"
>
> ).  So I brought her home but my present wife (who unfortunately is
> very obviously not my future wife) is not at all pleased with the
> situation.  Which brings me to my question:  How much wood would a
> woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On Jul 28, at  1:42pm, "The Usenet Oracle", writing with a level of
} insight comparable to that of Lincoln's second inaugural address, said:
}
} That's easy.  He'd chuck all the wood that a woodchuck could if....
} excuse me...  I seem to have a small plumbing prob... <gurgle> <gurble>
} <bloop> <bloop> <bloop>....
}
} <gasp> <cough> <cough>...
}
} You owe the Oracle a roll of super-absorbent paper towels... quick.


580-03    (9cn76 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and all seeing Oracle, your priest Steve Kinzler recently led
> off an issue of the Oracularities by saying "Take me to the river; drop
> me in the water" before departing across the flood-ravaged waters of
> the American Midwest.
>
> What do you think will happen to him during his tour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} glugglugglugglugglugglugIglugglugglugdon'tglugglugglugknowglugglugglug
} glugglugbutglugglugglugglugglugIglugglugglugglugglugglughopeglugglugg
} glugglugglugheglugglugglugglugbringsglugglugglugglugglugglugtheglugglug
} glugglugglugglugglugglugsumpglugglugglugglugglugglugglugpumpglugglugglug
} backglugglugglugglugglugglugglugwithglugglugglughimglugglugglugglugglug
} glugyouglugglugglugglugoweglugglugglugglugtheglugglugglugglugglugoracle
} glug


580-04    (7mf76 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A roll of duct tape, a pencil, and two hubcaps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's right. A small price to pay for advice on how to make your
} mother-in-law move 140 miles away AND take Carlos the blind Chihuahua
} with her. What I want them for is between Lisa and me.
}
} You also owe the Oracle a banjo and a fly-swat.


580-05    (5dgg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the Usenet Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, I am.  I'm Barney.  Let's sing!
}
}       I love you
}       You love me
}       Have an Oracularity
}       With a <ZOT> or sarcasm straight from me to you
}       A dull, boring answer's likely too!
}
} And this is my friend Baby Bop!  I'll let her type a bit of answer,
} too!
}
}       sorry about orrie there -- he's been like this for days, wearing
}       that purple dinosaur suit and having me dress in this green and
}       purple something-or-other suit.  and he's got a pack of
}       choreographed brainwashed kids prancing around in perfect order,
}       and he won't have sex any more -- he just wants to hug, and he
}       doesn't call me lisa any more but "baby bop" instead -- god, what
}       a stupid name, I
}
} Remember, Baby Bop, caring is sharing, so it's your time to give up the
} keyboard.  And be sure to buy a toy Barney doll and other mechandise on
} which I'll be making a packet of money!


580-06    (5ji96 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wash Uffitze drive me to Firenze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No--NO, Your Holiness, leave my sandals alone...  No, put the little
} sponge away, that bit's for the tourists, you know that...  What?
} No, I don't need a plenary indulgence, either...  Look, like I told
} you, all ya gotta do is split the gas money to Florence with me.
} Huh?  Gas, benzina, denaro di benzina, capisc'?  Yeah, gasolinski,
} or however you say it in Polish.  OK, hop in.  What's that?  Oh,
} these are Tevas.  Yeah, velcro straps.  Oh, I'm sure they'd have
} your size, Holy Father.  Si, sandali trendissimi, molto yuppi.
} OK, J.P., buckle up--you don't mind if I call you J.P.?  We'll
} be Firenzi'd before you Arno it!


580-07    (6egh4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mister Oracle,
>
> What's your favorite grovel type?  The long, drawn out ones, the
> complex ones, the three-part haiku type, or the short, sweet, and to
> the point ones?
>
> Thanks,
> A.Curious.Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT>
}
} You have just been <ZOT>ed.  This is a form letter.  I am sorry that
} the Oracle cannot reply in person, but I am sure that you appreciate
} the high frequency of <ZOT>s used on usenet.
}
} The reason for a <ZOT> is usually that the question was too long so
} that the Oracle could not be bothered to read it, that it was a
} woodchuck question, or that it just pissed the Oracle off for some
} other usually unfathomable reason.  These days it doesn't take much
} to piss him off, I can tell you!
}
} The reason for this <ZOT> is:
}
}            The grovel was too short.
}
} Please do not be put off by being <ZOT>ed, we hope you will continue
} to contribute questions in future lives.


580-08    (6kn53 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose body secretions are sweeter than a triple-fudge milk
> shake, please answer my query:
>
> Why does Steve have to work with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Al, we've been over this at least a dozen times already.  You know
} what my opinion is and you know what Bill's opinion is.  Humor deficit
} is a serious disorder, and if untreated can lead to erratic behavior,
} even Republicanism.  Steve graciously volunteered to use a fabricated
} two-week vacation in the Midwest (terrible cover, but no one seems to
} have questioned it) in order to spend the time with you in Washington
} doing intensive therapy.  He tells me you've already worked your way
} through the "best of" Oracle postings to r.h.f., and are making
} fantastic progress.  Al, I think it's just great that you crack a
} smile now whenever you hear the word "woodchuck"!  And that joke about
} Socks and dyslexic mouse balls showed real promise.  I'm sure Maddi
} will publish the next one you send, so don't be too disappointed.
}
} Now just work on those grovels, and you'll make r.h.o. before you know
} it!
}
} Your friend,
} T. U. Oracle


580-09    (4hdf8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Highly Oracular Oracle,
>
> Let me ask you a question : what time is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About every 20 minutes when you're 18, less often as you get older.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Vitamin E capsules.


580-10    (19gla dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who can part morning traffic with a mere wave of a hand,
> please answer this mortal question:
>
>     Will Micheal Jackson's ``disease'' progress beyond his skin
>     lightening in colour, so that it in fact is giving off as much
>     light as a 60 watt incandecent bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 60 watts?  Come now--you know Michael Jackson never does anything in
} a small way.  Here's the prognosis and chronology:
}
}    November 1993:  Michael lightens to the point where he can
}                    readily pass for white.  Tests this by visiting a
}                    Denny's Restaurant, where he is seated and served
}                    immediately.
}
}    May 1994:       Michael sets up a new charity, "Light Aid," which
}                    essentially consists of Michael travelling to
}                    tenements whose inhabitants have had their
}                    electricity turned off for non-payment, and
}                    providing light for them to cook and read by.
}
}    July 1995:      Governor of California declares the Los Padres
}                    National Forest behind Michael's ranch a disaster
}                    area; Michael's presence has inflicted severe
}                    drought and sparked numerous forest fires.
}
}    July 1996:      Astronomers on the fourth planet of Beta Centauri
}                    note that our Sun has gone nova, and then are
}                    dumbfounded when closer observation shows that in
}                    fact it is the Sun's third planet that has gone
}                    nova.
}
}    mid-1998:       All life in the Milky Way galaxy is extinguished
}                    as Michael's shock wave reaches its periphery,
}                    travelling at hyperspeed.
}
}    mid-2001:       The Universe is empty, save for a white glove
}                    floating in an infinite void.


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