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Internet Oracularities #581

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Usenet Oracularities #581    (46 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1993 00:10:28 -0500

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   581
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

581   46 votes 4eec2 29ef6 17oa4 55eac 37nc1 49ef4 338dj bee43 bid31 7hh23
581   3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.9   2.4   2.2   2.5


581-01    (4eec2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Famous Oracle, I have a great desire to get my name into
> the history books. I don't care what I am remembered for,
> as long as I am remembered for something. Supplicant's
> Theorem would be nice, but I would settle for Supplicant's
> Folly or even Supplicant's Pathetic Hypothesis. What can I
> do to achieve this dream.
>
> P.S. I will do almost anything, but I would hesitate to do
> anything carrying a prison sentence over five years.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, tough one, but here goes:
}
}       First remove all articles of clothing and shave off any unsightly
} pubic hairs.  (They don't look good on Madonna, and they sure don't do
} _you_ any good)>   Second, purchase a high powered automatic firearm
} from a suspicious-looking man standing outside your local gun shop.
} (You'll know him - he'll be the first one to approach you outside te
} gunshop when the owner throws you out for being naked, shaven, and for
} wanting to purchase an automatic weapon).   Now, take this gun and go
} back to school, climb up the bell tower, and shoot the gun upwards a
} few times, just enough to get Security's attention.  When teh crowd
} arrives, begin raving about me, your silly "Supplicant's Theorem" and
} anything else you want to be remembered for.   After about two hours,
} or whenever the Network News boys get bored, ask for a phone, and use
} it to order a Calzone from a local pizza shop.   Then surrender
} yourself to the Police, but make it conditional to their getting your
} Calzone and your finishing it. They will most assuredly consider you a
} wacko, because you will tell them that you are working for the Klingon
} Empire, and because only a wacko would get naked, climb a bell tower,
} and order a calzone.
}
} You owe the Oracle the movie rights to this story.


581-02    (29ef6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the future never arrives
> and
> the past is gone forever
> and
> all moments in time are either arriving
> or
> departing,
>
> Am I really about to turn 40 or is it just a figment of my imagination.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is difficult for me to say.  Remember, I do not perceive time as
} you do; I am omniscient.  I realize that is hard for you to imagine.
} You clutch at ineffectual metaphors: Being omniscient is like being at
} the Circo-rama at Disneyland, only instead of just seeing one part of
} the 360-degree screen you see everything without turning your head!
} Being omniscient is like being at a cocktail party where everyone is
} talking at once only you can hear anybody you want to listen to only
} instead of people talking it's everything that ever happened in the
} world!  Being omniscient is like when you're really, really stoned and
} you think you are aware of the whole universe at once, only except
} giggling like a demented Pee Wee Harris and going off to raid the
} refrigerator because you're incredibly hungry all of a sudden you
} really *can* see everything and not forget it two minutes later when
} you get distracted watching the incredible patterns that a scrambled
} cable channel is making on your TV!  Being omniscient is like being a
} Usenet news feed, only you know what's in every news posting even
} before it arrives, and you can remember all the postings there ever
} were, even those really really old Mark Horton ones where he would go
} spouting off about how much trouble it was dealing with more than a
} dozen or so sites on the Net, and that time that guy in Holland posted
} the fake message from Chernenko on April Fools Day and lots of people
} fell for it, and everything Mutlu ever said, and even knowing who he
} really is, and knowing without even having to think about it the text
} on every postcard Craig Shergold ever got and who sent it and who's on
} the stamp and what color ink it was written in and where the author
} bought the pen to write it, and even remembering the last time a
} genuinely funny joke was posted to rec.humor.funny!  Being omniscient
} is like the past is not gone and the future is not not arrived because
} instead it's like a gigantic Thanksgiving dinner where every relative
} you ever had and their grandparents and their great-grandparents and
} their kids and their kids' kids' kids' kids' are there, and there are
} five million Uncle Harrys lighting up disgusting five cent cigars, and
} a billion or so Uncle Louies trying to feel you up in the dinner line,
} and every meal you ever had on the table and every football game ever
} played in the NFL on the TV at once, and they're all there and you
} want to just go out and jump in a leaf pile, goddamit, because you're
} really just a kid and not a god, but they've locked the door, and now
} they're all coming at you, Aunt Agnes and cousin Petie and little Jeff
} who peed in the sleeping bag he shared with you last year and your
} mother and father, not just two of them but every version of your
} mother and father you can ever remember, and all of them, I mean ALL
} of them, asking you questions, and questions, and questions, and your
} head fills up with woodchucksandhowmanyroadsandisLisagoodinbedandwhat
} isthemeaningoflifetellustellustellustellus one of us, gobble gobble,
} one of us, gobble gobble, one of US AUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
}
} Caught an internal error -- Supplicant's question restored.


581-03    (17oa4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I am in great need of your infinite wisdom, I am writing a
>  final exam and have only ten minutes left... could you answer this
>  question for me:
>
>                        Phenochernology Final Exam
>                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Question 1:  In forty words or less describe the post, amibiotic
>              reprocussions of a pyabolic hpithyitistical rhentonomy,
>              include historical data and a full lateral bio-phentonic
>              etagram.
>
> p.s. Make it good I need an A on this exam to pass...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, the Oracle is a force to be used for good, not evil!
}
} So that you may be guided in the future, the Oracle will provide you
} with a brief list, which show two similar situations -- one good, one
} bad -- showing how you may and may not use the Oracle.
}
} Bad                                     Good
} ================================        ================================
}
} Asking the Oracle for answers to        Asking the Oracle for answers
} an exam so you can use them.            to an exam so you can sell them.
}
} Having the Oracle use his               Having the Oracle use his
} omniscient powers to peek into          omniscient powers to peek into
} a persons bedroom.                      a persons bedroom to get
}                                         blackmail material.
}
} Getting the Oracle to use his           Getting the Oracle to use his
} considerable power over the net         considerable power over the net
} to FTP you the latest copy of           to FTP you a copy of hot.gif
} the binaries for Nethack,
} Crossfire or IRC.
}
} Using the Oracle to gather              Using the Oracle to gather
} incriminating information on            incriminating information on
} George Bush.                            Dan Quayle.
}
} Any use of the Oracle as an             Any use of the Oracle as an
} accomplice in a criminal                accomplice in a criminal
} act.                                    act which ends up giving
}                                         the Oracle > $1,000,000 US.
}
} You owe the Oracle a minimum of $30,000,000 in Swiss treasury bills.


581-04    (55eac dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most wisest and magnificentest of them all, please tell me:
>
> Why did the BBC stick their collective head up their bums and cancel
> the Doctor Who 30th anniversary special - thus ignoring the 110 million
> fans (at best estimate) worldwide who've supported this program for
> thirty smegging years and continue to pay out the ya-ya for it to be
> shown whereever they can see it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this whole business is really just the tip of the iceberg.
} Dr. Who's floundering is the outcome of just one of a number of
} sinister plots currently in operation under the noses of most of
} Earth's general population. The truth is that The Master has seized
} control of the BBC and is driving it into the ground. Admittedly,
} this hasn't required much effort on his part. (When he gets bored,
} he periodically masquerades as an Iraqi dictator.)
}
} But that's only the beginning. The Daleks have set up a base of
} operations in Northern Ireland and are hard at work brainwashing
} the natives into committing unspeakable acts of terrorism.
} (Regreattably, this too apparently doesn't require much effort.)
}
} Then there's the Sontarans, who have been busy creating bogus
} tapes of Chuck & Di talking dirty to each other over the phone
} and leaking them to the press.
}
} Meanwhile, the British people are totally unaware that the Cybermen
} have replaced John Major with an Auton -- which is a good thing really
} since the former prime minister, Margret Thatcher, was actually the
} Rani in disguise and spent years destroying the brains of the
} members of the house of commons -- while Weng Chiang and the
} Peking Homunculus are staging a secret buyout of the Sun in the
} hopes of turning dozens of potential Page Three Girls into their
} helpless victims.
}
} Perhaps the most maddening scheme of all is that of the Ice Warriors,
} who have become quite adept at the art of creating crop circles.
}
} Outside of Britain, the Silurians have infiltrated numerous Sea World
} parks and are sureptitiously freeing the animals and replacing them
} with mutated animal trainers; the Dominators have taken over Coca-Cola
} Inc. and are competing directly with Pepsi Co., which is under the
} direct control of WOTAN; the Warlords have set up another war zone in
} Bosnia; the Rani has abandonned her Thatcher guise and is now passing
} herself off as Hillary Clinton; the Swarm recently coerced a group of
} middleasterners to blow up the World Trade Center; and a large number
} of Ogrons have made small fortunes playing professional football in the
} United States.
}
} Of course all this pales in comparison to what's yet to come: in three
} years, land developers defoliating the Amazon jungle will inadvertently
} unearth another pair of Crinoid pods, and then it'll be curtains for
} the whole lot of you.
}
} What I'm getting at is that The Master's plan to keep Dr. Who off the
} air is just small potatoes. If I were you I'd be worrying about more
} important things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a working chameleon circuit and Sophie Aldred's
} phone number.
}
} [Incarnated as Bill Paul <ghod@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu> "Just GNU it."]


581-05    (37nc1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if you are so wise and knowledgeable in the ways, could you
> use your extreme power to tell me what I am thinking?
>
> I await an answer, your godliness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My extreme powers, beyond that of any man or beast, tell me exactly
} what one is thinking.  My reading on your mind is comming up now.  You
} are thinking "Boy, do I need a life.  Or at least a beer"


581-06    (49ef4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh all knowing oracle, the answer to the following question:
>
> How come when oil prices go up, gas prices go up; but when oil prices
> fall, gas prices stay the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Law of Supply and Demand: If you supply all the gas, you can demand
} whatever price you want.
}
} You owe the Oracle five bucks worth of Super Unleaded Premium with a
} twist of lemon.


581-07    (338dj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how can you tell if a clam is happy, as in, "happy as a clam"?
> Help, help I have to know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was sitting in Ray's Oyster Bar kelping to myself.  I was watching
} this starfish do her act.  What an angelfish!  She moved like an eel,
} skating across the sandy stage.  Every cod in the place wanted to
} grouper.  I shore did.  My scales tingled with thoughts of fileting
} her red snaper.  A cockletail waitress swam by.  I sank my hurricane,
} then gave her a few clams to get me another.  This time a torpedo.
}
} After a minnow or two, a whale of a fish swam in.  This was no small
} fry.  He was a shark.  He had two hammerheaded guys with him.  Mussel.
} They came to the table by me and sat down.  They were here for the
} show.
}
} After her dance, the starfish swam over to the man.  She was
} floundering. The big fish slapped her across urchin.  He was eating her
} alive.  Holy mackeral, I thought.  That blowfish can't do that to the
} catfish I love.  I had to help her.  I jumped up.  I gave the squid
} nearest me, a hook.  One of those rusty hooks with a real sharp barb.
} I got him.  The other slug took the bait.  I could see his porpoise.
} He launched at me, but I ducked behind a sandbar.  He piked his head
} around to sea me.  The opening was there.  I gave him a sucker punch an
} octopus would be proud of.  He went down.
}
} Meanwhile the shark looked more like a puffer.  His mussel had been
} eaten. It was his turn to be scaled, battered, and fried.  Deep fat
} fried. I swam toward him.  The little starfish gazed wide eyed.  "Let
} the angel go, Dogfish", I said.  He did.  The little starfish took my
} fin. "Lets get outta this aquarium", she said.  Just as we started to
} leave, the slippery eel tried to strikee.  What kind of prawn did he
} take me for? His face was perched.  I knocked the carp out of him.
}
} Off we went -- me and the starfish.
}
} I was happy as a clam.


581-08    (bee43 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, wise Oracle,
>
> can you give me a definition of  GRUNGE ROCK .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes, a rock singer will be attacked, either personally or
} physically, by a certain person.  This singer will then write a
} song that attacks that person right back again.  This is known as
} Grudge Rock.
}
} Oh, GRUNGE Rock!  Sorry.
}
} O listen mortal to the ruminations and rumblings of the mighty
} Oracle!
}
}       Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived at
} the edge of a big wood.  Her parents always told her, 'Never go
} into the forest!'  At breakfast, they would say, 'Never go into
} the forest!'  At lunch, they would say, 'Never go into the
} forest!'  At supper, they would say, 'Never go into the forest!'
} At bedtime, after her story, her daddy would always say, 'Never
} go into the forest!'  So the little girl never ever thought of
} going into the forest.
}       One day, a big bad old wolf was wandering near the edge
} of the forest when he heard the girl's mother saying, 'Never go
} into the forest!'  When the little girl asked why, the mother
} said, 'There are big bad old wolves in the forest and they will
} eat you up if you go there!'  So the big bad old wolf thought to
} himself, 'I'll show her, I'll go right out of this forest and eat
} the girl up and then I'll eat the mother too.'  But when he tried
} to leave the forest, the girl's father saw him and chased him
} away with a hatchet.
}       Now, this old fox was cunning.  He though of a new way to
} get near enough the little girl to eat her:  he would find a big
} round rock, and roll it in front of him, very slowly, out of the
} forest.  The man would surely never suspect a big rock of
} concealing a fox!
}       So the cunning old fox found himself a big rock and
} rolled it to the edge of the forest, then got behind it and
} slowly pushed it into the farm.  The man, however, suspected the
} fox, and came up behind him with the hatchet, and chopped off his
} head.  The woman came up to the rock and said, 'This would be a
} nice addition to our rock garden.'  She rolled it to the garden,
} but it was too dirty to look nice.  She tried to clean it off,
} but the dirt was caked in.  So even to this day, in the front
} garden of that old family, there sits the original Grunge Rock.


581-09    (bid31 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Iwant to thank you O great and knowledgeable one.  This trip has been
> most enlightening.  I am sorry that I doubted you.  You have my utter
> respect.
>                                       Mark

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark -
}
} Ponder this:
}
} Only cows can give udder respect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.


581-10    (7hh23 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sapient Oracle, more wise about literature than even Cliff's Notes:
>
> I've been wondering about this for years.  Somewhere or other Thoreau
> makes a reference to something that is "circumstantial evidence, as
> when you find a trout in your milk-pail."
>
> What is finding a trout in your milk-pail circumstantial evidence of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say: someone specific put a trout in your milk-pail.


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