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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Famous Oracle, I have a great desire to get my name into > the history books. I don't care what I am remembered for, > as long as I am remembered for something. Supplicant's > Theorem would be nice, but I would settle for Supplicant's > Folly or even Supplicant's Pathetic Hypothesis. What can I > do to achieve this dream. > > P.S. I will do almost anything, but I would hesitate to do > anything carrying a prison sentence over five years.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, tough one, but here goes: } }       First remove all articles of clothing and shave off any unsightly } pubic hairs.  (They don't look good on Madonna, and they sure don't do } _you_ any good)>   Second, purchase a high powered automatic firearm } from a suspicious-looking man standing outside your local gun shop. } (You'll know him - he'll be the first one to approach you outside te } gunshop when the owner throws you out for being naked, shaven, and for } wanting to purchase an automatic weapon).   Now, take this gun and go } back to school, climb up the bell tower, and shoot the gun upwards a } few times, just enough to get Security's attention.  When teh crowd } arrives, begin raving about me, your silly "Supplicant's Theorem" and } anything else you want to be remembered for.   After about two hours, } or whenever the Network News boys get bored, ask for a phone, and use } it to order a Calzone from a local pizza shop.   Then surrender } yourself to the Police, but make it conditional to their getting your } Calzone and your finishing it. They will most assuredly consider you a } wacko, because you will tell them that you are working for the Klingon } Empire, and because only a wacko would get naked, climb a bell tower, } and order a calzone. } } You owe the Oracle the movie rights to this story.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the future never arrives > and > the past is gone forever > and > all moments in time are either arriving > or > departing, > > Am I really about to turn 40 or is it just a figment of my imagination.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is difficult for me to say.  Remember, I do not perceive time as } you do; I am omniscient.  I realize that is hard for you to imagine. } You clutch at ineffectual metaphors: Being omniscient is like being at } the Circo-rama at Disneyland, only instead of just seeing one part of } the 360-degree screen you see everything without turning your head! } Being omniscient is like being at a cocktail party where everyone is } talking at once only you can hear anybody you want to listen to only } instead of people talking it's everything that ever happened in the } world!  Being omniscient is like when you're really, really stoned and } you think you are aware of the whole universe at once, only except } giggling like a demented Pee Wee Harris and going off to raid the } refrigerator because you're incredibly hungry all of a sudden you } really *can* see everything and not forget it two minutes later when } you get distracted watching the incredible patterns that a scrambled } cable channel is making on your TV!  Being omniscient is like being a } Usenet news feed, only you know what's in every news posting even } before it arrives, and you can remember all the postings there ever } were, even those really really old Mark Horton ones where he would go } spouting off about how much trouble it was dealing with more than a } dozen or so sites on the Net, and that time that guy in Holland posted } the fake message from Chernenko on April Fools Day and lots of people } fell for it, and everything Mutlu ever said, and even knowing who he } really is, and knowing without even having to think about it the text } on every postcard Craig Shergold ever got and who sent it and who's on } the stamp and what color ink it was written in and where the author } bought the pen to write it, and even remembering the last time a } genuinely funny joke was posted to rec.humor.funny!  Being omniscient } is like the past is not gone and the future is not not arrived because } instead it's like a gigantic Thanksgiving dinner where every relative } you ever had and their grandparents and their great-grandparents and } their kids and their kids' kids' kids' kids' are there, and there are } five million Uncle Harrys lighting up disgusting five cent cigars, and } a billion or so Uncle Louies trying to feel you up in the dinner line, } and every meal you ever had on the table and every football game ever } played in the NFL on the TV at once, and they're all there and you } want to just go out and jump in a leaf pile, goddamit, because you're } really just a kid and not a god, but they've locked the door, and now } they're all coming at you, Aunt Agnes and cousin Petie and little Jeff } who peed in the sleeping bag he shared with you last year and your } mother and father, not just two of them but every version of your } mother and father you can ever remember, and all of them, I mean ALL } of them, asking you questions, and questions, and questions, and your } head fills up with woodchucksandhowmanyroadsandisLisagoodinbedandwhat } isthemeaningoflifetellustellustellustellus one of us, gobble gobble, } one of us, gobble gobble, one of US AUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH } } Caught an internal error -- Supplicant's question restored.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I am in great need of your infinite wisdom, I am writing a >  final exam and have only ten minutes left... could you answer this >  question for me: > >                        Phenochernology Final Exam >                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Question 1:  In forty words or less describe the post, amibiotic >              reprocussions of a pyabolic hpithyitistical rhentonomy, >              include historical data and a full lateral bio-phentonic >              etagram. > > p.s. Make it good I need an A on this exam to pass...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, the Oracle is a force to be used for good, not evil! } } So that you may be guided in the future, the Oracle will provide you } with a brief list, which show two similar situations -- one good, one } bad -- showing how you may and may not use the Oracle. } } Bad                                     Good } ================================        ================================ } } Asking the Oracle for answers to        Asking the Oracle for answers } an exam so you can use them.            to an exam so you can sell them. } } Having the Oracle use his               Having the Oracle use his } omniscient powers to peek into          omniscient powers to peek into } a persons bedroom.                      a persons bedroom to get }                                         blackmail material. } } Getting the Oracle to use his           Getting the Oracle to use his } considerable power over the net         considerable power over the net } to FTP you the latest copy of           to FTP you a copy of hot.gif } the binaries for Nethack, } Crossfire or IRC. } } Using the Oracle to gather              Using the Oracle to gather } incriminating information on            incriminating information on } George Bush.                            Dan Quayle. } } Any use of the Oracle as an             Any use of the Oracle as an } accomplice in a criminal                accomplice in a criminal } act.                                    act which ends up giving }                                         the Oracle > $1,000,000 US. } } You owe the Oracle a minimum of $30,000,000 in Swiss treasury bills.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most wisest and magnificentest of them all, please tell me: > > Why did the BBC stick their collective head up their bums and cancel > the Doctor Who 30th anniversary special - thus ignoring the 110 million > fans (at best estimate) worldwide who've supported this program for > thirty smegging years and continue to pay out the ya-ya for it to be > shown whereever they can see it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this whole business is really just the tip of the iceberg. } Dr. Who's floundering is the outcome of just one of a number of } sinister plots currently in operation under the noses of most of } Earth's general population. The truth is that The Master has seized } control of the BBC and is driving it into the ground. Admittedly, } this hasn't required much effort on his part. (When he gets bored, } he periodically masquerades as an Iraqi dictator.) } } But that's only the beginning. The Daleks have set up a base of } operations in Northern Ireland and are hard at work brainwashing } the natives into committing unspeakable acts of terrorism. } (Regreattably, this too apparently doesn't require much effort.) } } Then there's the Sontarans, who have been busy creating bogus } tapes of Chuck & Di talking dirty to each other over the phone } and leaking them to the press. } } Meanwhile, the British people are totally unaware that the Cybermen } have replaced John Major with an Auton -- which is a good thing really } since the former prime minister, Margret Thatcher, was actually the } Rani in disguise and spent years destroying the brains of the } members of the house of commons -- while Weng Chiang and the } Peking Homunculus are staging a secret buyout of the Sun in the } hopes of turning dozens of potential Page Three Girls into their } helpless victims. } } Perhaps the most maddening scheme of all is that of the Ice Warriors, } who have become quite adept at the art of creating crop circles. } } Outside of Britain, the Silurians have infiltrated numerous Sea World } parks and are sureptitiously freeing the animals and replacing them } with mutated animal trainers; the Dominators have taken over Coca-Cola } Inc. and are competing directly with Pepsi Co., which is under the } direct control of WOTAN; the Warlords have set up another war zone in } Bosnia; the Rani has abandonned her Thatcher guise and is now passing } herself off as Hillary Clinton; the Swarm recently coerced a group of } middleasterners to blow up the World Trade Center; and a large number } of Ogrons have made small fortunes playing professional football in the } United States. } } Of course all this pales in comparison to what's yet to come: in three } years, land developers defoliating the Amazon jungle will inadvertently } unearth another pair of Crinoid pods, and then it'll be curtains for } the whole lot of you. } } What I'm getting at is that The Master's plan to keep Dr. Who off the } air is just small potatoes. If I were you I'd be worrying about more } important things. } } You owe the Oracle a working chameleon circuit and Sophie Aldred's } phone number. } } [Incarnated as Bill Paul <ghod@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu> "Just GNU it."]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if you are so wise and knowledgeable in the ways, could you > use your extreme power to tell me what I am thinking? > > I await an answer, your godliness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My extreme powers, beyond that of any man or beast, tell me exactly } what one is thinking.  My reading on your mind is comming up now.  You } are thinking "Boy, do I need a life.  Or at least a beer"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh all knowing oracle, the answer to the following question: > > How come when oil prices go up, gas prices go up; but when oil prices > fall, gas prices stay the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Law of Supply and Demand: If you supply all the gas, you can demand } whatever price you want. } } You owe the Oracle five bucks worth of Super Unleaded Premium with a } twist of lemon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how can you tell if a clam is happy, as in, "happy as a clam"? > Help, help I have to know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was sitting in Ray's Oyster Bar kelping to myself.  I was watching } this starfish do her act.  What an angelfish!  She moved like an eel, } skating across the sandy stage.  Every cod in the place wanted to } grouper.  I shore did.  My scales tingled with thoughts of fileting } her red snaper.  A cockletail waitress swam by.  I sank my hurricane, } then gave her a few clams to get me another.  This time a torpedo. } } After a minnow or two, a whale of a fish swam in.  This was no small } fry.  He was a shark.  He had two hammerheaded guys with him.  Mussel. } They came to the table by me and sat down.  They were here for the } show. } } After her dance, the starfish swam over to the man.  She was } floundering. The big fish slapped her across urchin.  He was eating her } alive.  Holy mackeral, I thought.  That blowfish can't do that to the } catfish I love.  I had to help her.  I jumped up.  I gave the squid } nearest me, a hook.  One of those rusty hooks with a real sharp barb. } I got him.  The other slug took the bait.  I could see his porpoise. } He launched at me, but I ducked behind a sandbar.  He piked his head } around to sea me.  The opening was there.  I gave him a sucker punch an } octopus would be proud of.  He went down. } } Meanwhile the shark looked more like a puffer.  His mussel had been } eaten. It was his turn to be scaled, battered, and fried.  Deep fat } fried. I swam toward him.  The little starfish gazed wide eyed.  "Let } the angel go, Dogfish", I said.  He did.  The little starfish took my } fin. "Lets get outta this aquarium", she said.  Just as we started to } leave, the slippery eel tried to strikee.  What kind of prawn did he } take me for? His face was perched.  I knocked the carp out of him. } } Off we went -- me and the starfish. } } I was happy as a clam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, wise Oracle, > > can you give me a definition of  GRUNGE ROCK .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes, a rock singer will be attacked, either personally or } physically, by a certain person.  This singer will then write a } song that attacks that person right back again.  This is known as } Grudge Rock. } } Oh, GRUNGE Rock!  Sorry. } } O listen mortal to the ruminations and rumblings of the mighty } Oracle! } }       Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived at } the edge of a big wood.  Her parents always told her, 'Never go } into the forest!'  At breakfast, they would say, 'Never go into } the forest!'  At lunch, they would say, 'Never go into the } forest!'  At supper, they would say, 'Never go into the forest!' } At bedtime, after her story, her daddy would always say, 'Never } go into the forest!'  So the little girl never ever thought of } going into the forest. }       One day, a big bad old wolf was wandering near the edge } of the forest when he heard the girl's mother saying, 'Never go } into the forest!'  When the little girl asked why, the mother } said, 'There are big bad old wolves in the forest and they will } eat you up if you go there!'  So the big bad old wolf thought to } himself, 'I'll show her, I'll go right out of this forest and eat } the girl up and then I'll eat the mother too.'  But when he tried } to leave the forest, the girl's father saw him and chased him } away with a hatchet. }       Now, this old fox was cunning.  He though of a new way to } get near enough the little girl to eat her:  he would find a big } round rock, and roll it in front of him, very slowly, out of the } forest.  The man would surely never suspect a big rock of } concealing a fox! }       So the cunning old fox found himself a big rock and } rolled it to the edge of the forest, then got behind it and } slowly pushed it into the farm.  The man, however, suspected the } fox, and came up behind him with the hatchet, and chopped off his } head.  The woman came up to the rock and said, 'This would be a } nice addition to our rock garden.'  She rolled it to the garden, } but it was too dirty to look nice.  She tried to clean it off, } but the dirt was caked in.  So even to this day, in the front } garden of that old family, there sits the original Grunge Rock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Iwant to thank you O great and knowledgeable one.  This trip has been > most enlightening.  I am sorry that I doubted you.  You have my utter > respect. >                                       Mark

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark - } } Ponder this: } } Only cows can give udder respect. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sapient Oracle, more wise about literature than even Cliff's Notes: > > I've been wondering about this for years.  Somewhere or other Thoreau > makes a reference to something that is "circumstantial evidence, as > when you find a trout in your milk-pail." > > What is finding a trout in your milk-pail circumstantial evidence of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say: someone specific put a trout in your milk-pail.