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Internet Oracularities #583

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Usenet Oracularities #583    (60 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 00:10:33 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   583
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

583   60 votes 9hej1 6eig6 2djga 6jj88 4jeg7 3biia 07mdi 5gmb6 8eic8 zc328
583   3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   3.3   2.9   3.0   3.4   3.7   3.0   3.0   1.9


583-01    (9hej1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WESTERN UNION
>
> TO THE USENET ORACLE
> FROM THE FIDONET ORACLE
>
> BEWARE POSSIBLE SNEAK ATTACK BY COMPUSERVE ORACLE AND SUPPORTERS
> ACCOUNT RECENT COURT DECISION STOP COMPUSERV FORCES SEEN MASSING TWO
> HOURS AGO NEAR UUNET HUB STOP STRENGTH UNKNOWN STOP FIDONET AND PRESTEL
> STRATEGIC RESERVES NOW ON ALERT AND WILL DEPLOY ON YOUR COMMAND STOP
>
>   T.F. ORACLE

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle, Grand Marshal of all UseNet Forces, High
} Admiral, Commander in Chief, and Head Latrine-Washer of the
} Internet, crumpled the telegram in his hand.  It had warned him
} of nothing he did not already know.  In fact, he had been
} preparing for this attack for a long time.
}
} 'Captain Jenkins,' he called.  A thin young man with a tight
} brushcut turned from where he was leaning over a battle map and
} saluted sharply.  'SIR!'
}
} 'Captain, send a communique to T.F.Oracle, informing him that his
} "reserves" (he smiled contemptuously) will not be needed.'
} Jenkins saluted.  'Yes, SIR!'
}
} The Oracle turned to the battle map, intently studying the
} contours indicated.  He carefully studied the area surrounding
} the current encampent of the Compuserve forces, smiling at what
} only he could see.
}
} At that moment, Jenkins arrived back in the Oracle's HQ.  'SIR,'
} he said, saluting so sharply that he decapitated a fly that got
} too close, 'the Fidonet forces are even now retreating to fight a
} defensive war.'
}
} 'Damn cowards don't think we can win this war,' muttered the
} Oracle.  'But never mind.  Jenkins, is the secret weapon ready?'
} The young soldier nodded.  'Very well.  We can begin.'
} -------
}
} The Oracle sat behind the controls of his secret weapon.  Great
} care had been taken to ensure his every comfort.  There was even
} a wet bar available, situated just behind his left ear.  The
} Oracle sipped on a dry gin as he watched the Compuserve forces
} close in, yelling and chanting.  His finger strayed toward the
} large red button marked FIRE...
}
} 'SIR,' said Jenkins, 'the enemy is signalling us.  They demand
} our immediate surrender.'
}
} The Oracle laughed his eerily eerie laugh.  'Tell them that we'll
} surrender when Hell freezes over.'  He slightly manipulated the
} control stick, centering the crosshairs on his screen on the
} advancing army, and pressed the red button.
}
} The oncoming forces saw only a brilliant red flash, then they
} were overcome by a great word, written in gold on the sky...
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ   OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO   TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
}              ZZ    OO            OO            TTT
}             ZZ     OO            OO            TTT
}            ZZ      OO            OO            TTT
}          ZZ        OO            OO            TTT
}        ZZ          OO            OO            TTT
}      ZZ            OO            OO            TTT
}     ZZ             OO            OO            TTT
}    ZZ              OO            OO            TTT
}   ZZ               OO            OO            TTT
}  ZZ                OO            OO            TTT       XX
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ   OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO            TTT       XX
}
} 'Direct hit, sir,' said Jenkins.
}
} 'Thank you, Captain,' answered the Oracle.  Now, he thought, he
} could get back to just answering those nice boring questions.


583-02    (6eig6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My disk spins around like crazy all the time;
> why don't the bits get dizzy and fall off?
>
> --11

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Velcro.
}
} 10
}
} You owe the Oracle a binary motion sickness bag.


583-03    (2djga dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and gracious Oracle dude, I beseech you.  (if you don't
> mind)  Please honour me with your esteemed and obviously correct answer
> to the question that has been plaguing the minds of great philosophers,
> scientists, and oracle-wannabe's for eons, and that I have not yet
> asked.  Here it is:
>
> Why does only one banana per bunch have a pretty little sticker?
>
> I bow down to your greatness.  Sir.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is, of course, a glowing example of the well-known Ecological Law
} of Parasitism.  It is a little-known fact that those irresistably cute
} stickers you love so well are not man-made at all: they are in fact
} living creatures, which feed on the oils contained in the banana's
} tough outer skin.  There are several species of these "banana sloughs",
} as they are properly called; perhaps you have already encountered the
} most common, _Bananasluricus chiquitus_ and _Bananasluricus dolei_.
}
} As you must already know, the Law of Parasitism states that the
} parasite-thost ratio in a stable population must be kept low, so that
} the parasite's resources are kept plentiful.  If you keep your eyes
} open, you can see examples of the Law everywhere:
}
} - The senator-to-citizen ratio.
}
} - The union representative-to-employee ratio.
}
} - The Royal Family-to-British subject ratio.
}
} Supplicant, be joyful! Rejoice in the fact that the Law works when it
} does, for sometimes it fails miserably! Observe, for example, the
} damage when some parasites get out of control:
}
} - The gypsy moth.
}
} - The AIDS virus.
}
} - Lawyers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a banana split and a can of Raid.


583-04    (6jj88 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deadbeat Oracle, where is that $15 I loaned you five months ago for a
> crystocell replacement in your Omniscience?  You told me that when
> your memory was fixed, you would know where to find the money to pay
> me back.  It's been nearly half a year!  Pay up!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just what are you talking about?  There's nothing wrong with my memory!
} Speaking of memory, I've have none of you loaning me $15.  In fact, I
} don't even know who you are.  Hell, I don't know who I am.  Why are all
} these people asking me questions?  And what does this big red button
} here do? . . . <ZOT!>
}
} Hey, that was neat!
} <ZOT!>
}  <ZOT!>
}   <ZOT!>
}    <ZOT!>
}     <ZOT!>
}
} That was -- and just who do you think *you* are . . . hey don't put
} your hand there!  That's private property.  Lisa?  I don't know any
} Lisa!  What gives you the right to 8580HIHUkbvfd^&**(^8VBt
}                                               &^^%)UYBH;'
}                                                          ^Zbentr
}
} >> SYSTEM FAILURE.  PRESS ANY KEY TO REBOOT. <<


583-05    (4jeg7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, faster than a speeding bullock, able to leap from tall
> buildings in a single bound, have I mistaken you for someone else?  Is
> he dead?  Are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a snide pseudo-grovel AND multiple questions.  That's not one, but
} two of the "Top 10 Reasons the Oracle Zots Supplicants"
}
} Gimme a drum-roll, Paul...
}
} (really good sound effects ensue; a pity they don't come over
} Email very well)
}
} #10 : Implies even greater sexual prowess than the Oracle.
} #9  : Lots of spelling mistakes in the grovel.
} #8  : Terrific grovel, followed by no question ("Oraculis Interruptis")
} #7  : Question that gets Lisa pissed off at Orrie.
} #6  : Calling him "Orrie."  Only Lisa gets to do that.
} #5  : Woodchuck Questions.  Or ANY similar questions, actually.
} #4  : Fake grovel that trys to put down the Oracle (Who are you
}       trying to fool, anyway?  He knows what you're thinking)
} #3  : Angels unionized, demanded day off.  Oh, sorry, that's one
}       of the "Top Ten Reasons the Universe was a Rush Job."
} #2  : More than one question in a request.  The Oracle hates
}       slimy queue jumpers.
}
} And the #1 reason why the Oracle Zots Supplicants...
}
} #1  : Until the Olympian 12-plex opens, it's the most fun on the
}       mountain.
}
} And now we introduce a new feature on the show, ZOT-CAM!
}
} POV changes, top of Mount Olympus receeds below us, the globe is
} revealed, swiftly rotating, as we plunge back to Earth, smashing
} through clouds, towards a building, through the roof, a glimpse
} of an upturned, surprised, badly complected face, a flash of
} flame, the beginning of a horrible scream... and then static as
} the camera melts.
}
} Your family owes the Oracle all the residuals from the Movie of
} the Week that will be made about your untimely and strange demise.


583-06    (3biia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many white ones make a big one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it *depends*, now doesn't it?  Follow...
}
} Data Element 1:
}  At the height of a pitched battle against the nether-god Zool,
}  Igon Spengler admits to Peter Venckman, "It's the Sta-Puft
}  Marshmallow Man."  For the sake of realism, Director Ivan Reitman
}  mandates that Sta-Puft be constructed of real marshmallows.
}  Number of white ones required: 964,323.
}
} Data Element 2:
}  Attempting to gain entry to the Guinness Book, an obscure chef
}  by the name of Jean-Claude Hot-Damm whips up an omelette in the
}  hold of the decommissioned Queen Elizabeth II.  Tens of thousands
}  of hens are trucked in to lay eggs on-site.
}  Number of white ones required: 17,653.  Plus a *lot* of bacon.
}
} Data Element 3:
}  Cristo, the madcap artiste, tops all previous attempts at
}  macro-art by transforming the Taj Mahal into a humungous
}  sundae.  Ben & Jerry's is chosen to supply 'as many
}  pints of Vanilla-Woodchuck Surprise as may be needed.'
}  Number of white ones required: 654,654.
}
} Data Element 4:
}  The Oracle requires a *big* load of first-rate fertilizer for
}  his garden, and decides there must be a cheaper way to get
}  it than shelling out big bucks to Thor's Lawn & Garden Supply.
}  Confronting the slavering hordes of eager supplicants, the Oracle
}  tells a little white lie: "From now on, all questions to Me will
}  go through Maddi Hausman, moderator of rec.humor.funny.  And if
}  you think _I_ am bad, wait until you see what happens to those who
}  submit questions with spelling errors or without a first-rate
}  grovel!"  The supplicants respond quickly and generously, and
}  Orrie's tomatoes and pumpkins win first prize at the Kinzler
}  County Fair that year.
}  Number of white ones required: 1.
}
} You see, supplicant?  It all depends.  Now, what "white ones" did
} _you_ have in mind, hmmm?
}
} You owe the Oracle a large, sharpened stick, a very large frying pan,
} and a huge cherry.  And *don't* forget the bacon.
}
} Oh, but here -- take some zucchini home with you.  I insist!  Best
} crop I've had in years.  No, really!  DO it!  Hey, come BACK here --


583-07    (07mdi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, for whom every dirt path is a turnpike,
> but who never needs to pay a toll,
>
> If two Scotsmen were in Tahiti, and one took the high road, the
> other low, one would arrive first, wearing under his kilt whatever.
>
> So far, I understand. What baffles me is,
> Why would they want to go?
>
> ++13

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        The Ballad of the Two Scotsmen in Tahiti
}
}   Aye we are two bonny Scotsmen and we're living in Tahiti
}   Where the women are so friendly in their topless string bikinis
}   And the food is so delightful, we could eat it every day
}   But they do not serve us haggis, so I guess we cannot stay.
}
}   Aye we truly love Tahiti where the scenery is so grand
}   With its miles and miles of beaches and its tons and tons of sand
}   But its just another reason why our hearts for Scotland yearns
}   Cause the sand gets up our kilts and then it itches and it burns!
}
}   Well I'll take the high road and skyward turn my eyes
}   And board yon bonny airplane and I'll fly the friendly skies
}   I'll buckle up my seat belt and I'll be upon my way
}   I just hope we don't get blown up >>BOOM<<   (by the IRA)
}
}   Well I'll take the low road and in Scotland soon I'll be
}   I'll just walk along the bottom of the great and salty sea
}   It's a gurgle glub and blubblub bubble gugle .. glub ..  blurp.
}
} So you see, supplicant, neither one would arrive first.
} You owe the Oracle a fifth of Scotch.


583-08    (5gmb6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, dearest Mr. Oracle (Greetings to Lisa to).
>
> Here's my problem:
>
>     ----------------------
>     |                    /|
>     |                   / |
>     |                  /  |
>     |                 /   |
>     |                /    |
>     |               /     |
>     |              /      |
>     |             /       |
>     |            /        |
>     |         c /         | b
>     |          /          |
>     |         /           |
>     |        /            |
>     |       /             |
>     |      /              |
>     |     /               |
>     |    /                |
>     |   /                 |
>     |  /                  |
>     | /                   |
>     -----------------------
>                a
>
> I claim that a+b is actually equal to c. You see, if we take infinitely
> small sides on directions of a and b and repeat them one after another
> then we will move exactly along c. Still the sum of horizontal lines is
> equal to a and the sum of vertical lines is equal to b.
>
> So, if you walk around a square field the distance is exactly the same
> as going diagonally across the field. (Pythagoras wouldn't like the
> idea, I guess)
>
> Magnification of the infinitely small sides is illustrated in the fig.
> below:
>              --
>             |
>           --
>          |
>        --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right that Pythagoras wouldn't like the idea, and if I were you,
} I wouldn't mention it to him, bearing in mind his past history of
} dealing with people who disagreed with him....
}
} To illustrate this, I will recount a story of the renowned
} mathematician and philosopher...
}
} The Pythagorean school of mathematicians were really quite keen on
} numbers, and spent (or wasted, depending on your point of view) a great
} deal of time investigating the mystical and magical properties that
} they embodied; the well-known pentagram symbol was one of their
} favourite designs.
}
} They were especially keen on the idea that any number could be
} expressed as a fraction of two whole numbers; that every number was
} 'rational', so to speak.  One day, one of the school came up to
} Pythagoras, and showed him a nice formal analytical proof that the
} square-root of two was irrational.  Pythagoras and the rest of his
} followers were a bit shocked at this, it undermining one of the central
} tenets of their world-view. Pythagoras, in response to this, said
} 'Congratulations, that's very interesting.  I'll have to think about
} that one.  Why don't you take the rest of the day off and go fishing or
} something?'
}
} It was during the aforementioned fishing trip that two of Pythagoras'
} inner circle of followers crept up behind the poor, unsuspecting
} fisherman and threw him overboard, on Pythagoras' orders.
}
} So, I'd keep that one about a+b being equal to c quiet if I were you.
}
} If it's really bothering you, and you don't mind risking your life, I'd
} suggest asking your friendly neighbourhood analysis lecturer, and not
} going on any ferry journeys, fishing trips, or (for example) visits to
} any tall buildings....
}
} Hope this helps....
}
} You owe the oracle a formal, analytical, water-tight proof of the
} Riemann Hypothesis.


583-09    (8eic8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If it were true, what she said,
> And not just games with my head,
> Would it be, in truth, in fact,
> That she loved him, he without tact?
>
> So short a time, for their ``love,''
> And now she cries for vengeance above.
> A year ago, she broke my heart;
> Now the two of them are apart.
>
> And that alone celebration would cause,
> But there's more, he's put out his paws
> And now he and her sister do together
> Sleep; so much pain causes this her.
>
> And, Oracle, who answers in prose
> It is wrong, spiteful, of me, I suppose,
> To think, with a small amount of glee,
> That she is due some of what she caused me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant, the query you chose,
} Twas framed as a poem, and not in prose.
} The Oracle speaks as she desires,
} responding in kind to all inquirers.
}
} The story you send is worthy of Willy,
} some parts tragic, the rest quite silly,
} Since he left she, as she left thee,
} now there's a natural feeling of glee!
}
} The Oracle says: Go ahead, enjoy,
} if it sooths your bruised ego, m'boy
} For you'll soon be back within the fray,
} and love and lose another day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a functional relationship.


583-10    (zc328 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who has plumbed the depths of deepness,
>
> I want to go down in Oracular history, I want to be remembered.
> But, I'm not so good, so my only hope is to record the lowest score
> ever.
>
> Please have your Incarnation write a terribly boring reply to this.
>
> And please have your Priest select it.
>
> And, voters, dear voters, please vote '1' on this.
>
> Thank you,
>
> hopelessly unfunny

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary (1990) defines "Oracular" as
} a synonym of "Dictatorial," which is defined as "imposing one's will or
} opinion on others."  Certainly, then, the best hope for you to be
} inscribed in Oracular history is to DEMAND that the voters give you the
} lowest recorded score of all time.


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