584-04 (7ild0 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> O Oracle, great and wise, please hear my plea!
> I must present to you this tale of human fallacy and foible,
> which like most mortal tales is one of confusion wrapped in error
> wrapped in ignorance, and no doubt runs a bit too long.
> I feel I must present to You all the relevant details in order that
> You may judge well and truly; and so I begin.
> This winter I had an idea of how to bring Fame to my name, and
> pursuant to that idea, I ambled over to the "Good Luck Foods and
> Bait Store, Chas. Woods prop." on Main Street, of course.
> This being a small town, our one street is Main Street, and we have
> time for friendly chitchat: so I asked the proprietor for some
> ground chuck, and got the usual joke about cannibalism; and he
> suggested ground hog, and I said that would be almost like
> cannibalism -- since, here in Punxsutawney, we wouldn't even be on
> the map without old Phil, our famous groundhog. Every Feb Two, all
> the networks show up with sound trucks and camera crews, "working
> the woods" as they call it, and do silly reports on whether Phil
> sees his shadow.
> My idea for undying fame, and by the way "me" is Nathaniel Works, of
> RFD 7734, was to produce a world's-record-sized meatloaf in the
> presence of the press; I couldn't get them to come out here for that
> but as long as they were here anyway I had hopes they would cover
> the event.
> To make a long story short, Chuck and I settled on ground round,
> with all he had on hand to be delivered to Fred's back yard while
> the media were there.
> Everything went just fine. I had numerous requests from the city
> folk for my Grama's recipe, and I enjoyed seeing myself handing out
> a portion to Tom Brokaw on the 11:00 news.
> Well, almost everything went well. There were two little things...
> First of all, Chuck's scale was busted, so he doesn't know what to
> charge me; and secondly, although I was on TV, I don't seem to be
> Thus, O great Oracle, I find I must ask you two questions:
> How many folks saw Nat Works' work when the networks worked the woods?
> And, How much ground round was found in Chuck Woods' Good Luck Foods?
} The Oracle was sitting at his desk when the mailer daemon beeped
} announcing another query.
} >"How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck
} Of course, the question wasn't asked directly, but was instead
} proceeded with a long blather of meaningless information, meant as a
} setup to the joke question. So, in punishment, the Oracle responded
} with a very very lengthy shaggy dog story. "That'll show the
} bastards", he muttered, "for pulling that woodchuck reference. Bet
} they won't do that again!"
} Minutes later, the mailer daemon beeps again. Once again, a lengthy
} setup for the sole purpose of doing yet another woodchuck reference,
} only not just one, but two.
} This is indicative of a disturbing trend in Supplication.
} There are several possibilities (didja ever notice all of the "i"'s in
} that word? almost looks like it's spelled wrong!) as to why this is
} 1> the people who ask the Oracle questions late at night are lacking
} sleep, since by definition they are either insomniacs or third shifters
} (which is a redundancy in itself),
} 2> the overall quality of supplicant is leaning more to the smart-ass
} end of the spectrum lately,
} 3> the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
} Now, some would argue that all three of the above are probably true,
} and I'd have to agree. So, now that we've established how the Oracle
} feels about these developments, on to your questions:
} Re: Nat Works' work: Not many. Turns out a woodchuck had chucked some
} wood right through the cable going to the network feed, so it didn't
} fill the network feed's need.
} Re: Ground Round: All the ground round was found bound to a clown in a
} mound at the bottom of Puguet Sound.
} You owe the Oracle a shaggy dog (grey and white, about 75 pounds), and
} one of Gladys's ham sandwiches.