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Internet Oracularities #585

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585, 585-01, 585-02, 585-03, 585-04, 585-05, 585-06, 585-07, 585-08, 585-09, 585-10


Usenet Oracularities #585    (56 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1993 00:10:35 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   585
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

585   56 votes eaic2 7ng73 1mo72 3bng3 2bdp5 8ckc4 4alf6 38mh6 5adai 5gib6
585   3.0 mean  2.6   2.6   2.8   3.1   3.4   2.9   3.2   3.3   3.5   2.9


585-01    (eaic2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 20th Century, approximately.


585-02    (7ng73 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <INSERT INFINITE NUMBER OF FLATTERING REMARKS ABOUT THE ORACLE'S
> GREATNESS> oracle who knoweth me.
>       Where is Jimmy Hoffa? The Meadowlands People in NJ claim he's
> not under there.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have chuckled about this one for long time. Hoffa became an
} informant for the Feds before he received his commutation from
} Richard Nixon in 1971. By 1975, Hoffa's snitching had become the
} subject of rumors amongst the Mafiosi. On July 30th of that year,
} Hoffa vanished. He was soon presumed to be dead. But this was not so.
} He is alive today.
}
} Hoffa had entered the Federal Witness Protection Program. Because of
} his notoriety, he is likely to remain in that program forever.
} I should not reveal where he is today, but what the heck.
}
} You remember Jim Bakker? He was the TV evangelist of of PTL Club and
} Jessica Hahn fame. Jimmy's now serving a Federal sentence for fraud.
} Do you remember his wife, the um, lovely Tammy Faye Bakker?
} Well, if you were to scrape that makeup off of Tammy Faye, you would
} find Jimmy Hoffa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of cement overshoes.


585-03    (1mo72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, whose belly-button fluff is worth more than it's
> weight in precious metals ...
>
> Recently Mother Teresa of Calcutta received an honourary degree from
> Dublin City University. What on earth is she going to do with it ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.... well, I expect it'll come in handy as a conversation-starter
} for those awkward audiences with HM Queen Elizabeth II or HRH the
} Prince of Wales, videlicet:
}
} (Scene: HM The Queen being introduced to a line of several Nobel
} laureates by a vaguely important-looking gentleman in full evening
} dress)
}
} Attendant:     And this is Mother Teresa of Calcutta, your Majesty.
} HM The Queen:  Pleased to meet you.  So, what do you do?
} Mother Teresa: I've spent my life helping the poor and needy in the
}                slums of Calcutta, your Majesty.
} HM:            That must be very interesting.
} Mother Teresa: Also, I was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize several years
}                ago, and I've just been awarded an honourary degree from
}                Dublin City University.
} HM:            Good, good.... (moves onto next person in row)
} Attendant:     This is Dr Steven Weinberg, Ma'am.
} HM:            Good evening.  What do you do?
} Weinberg:      I'm a theoretical physicist, Ma'am, I'm currently doing
}                research into the Strong and Weak subatomic forces.
} HM:            That must be very nice.
} (etc.)
}
} Apart from a useful conversation-starter when talking to royalty, it's
} probably not going to come in terribly useful, so effectively what'll
} happen is that the honourary degree will end up in a frame, hanging on
} a wall, next to the Nobel Prize.
}
} You owe the Oracle CERN's 1993 budget.


585-04    (3bng3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and whimsical Oracle,
>
> Is it true that there is no word in the English language that rhymes
> with "orange"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sittin' out back,
} By the tar-paper shack,
} I hear the rusty kitchen doorhinge.
} Makes my thirst
} So much the worst
} I run inside and grab an orange.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme for "silver".


585-05    (2bdp5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle magnificent, awesome, and serene, please answer my
> insignificant query:
>     When did Santa Claus go into business, and what does he
> do the other 364 1/4 days of the year?
>                                         <N>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear old Saint Nick officially went into business on Dec. 24, 612 AD.
} I remember it well.  It was a cold winter.(The temperature got down to
} 87 degrees in the Bahamas, where I was temporarily located.)  I was
} approched by this guy, and he says his name is Santa Claus, and he's
} discovered this great tax dodge.  His plan is to move to the North
} Pole, where only the hardiest of tax collectors would ever venture to
} follow.  And once he got there, he was going to set up this non profit
} organization to give toys away to children.  It was great, if I hadn't
} already been tax exempt as an Oracle, I'd have joined him.  So anyway,
} he wanted some advice about this venture, such as how many days a year
} he'd have to work, would he have to make the toys himself, how could he
} deliver the toys, and how could he tell which children deserved toys(he
} wasn't completely mercenary, he is Santa Claus, after all.)
}
} The first question turned out to have an easy answer.  According to the
} tax laws of the time, there was a certain ratio of the amount of
} community service done and the time spent doing it that would allow him
} to only work 1 day per year, providing he did enough work on that one
} day.  So I outlined a plan (It involves some complex 4th dimensional
} trigonometry and stable wormholes so I won't go into it here) by which
} he could deliver these toys to all the deserving children(more on that
} in a second) in only one night, thereby leaving him the other 364 days
} to rest, provided he didn't have to make all of those toys himself.
}
} The problem of who would make the toys and how to deliver them worked
} itself out fairly well, if I do say so myself.  There were these elves
} that were rapidly running out of grazing land for these flying reindeer
} that they were breeding.  It was a match made in heaven.  The elves
} just loved the idea of working for a tax exempt corperation, because
} you wouldn't believe how difficult the tax laws are when you're a
} mythical creature, especially when you list your occupation as flying
} reindeer breeder.  The reindeer got grazing land on the tundra in
} exchange for one night's work per year.  And Santa got a workforce that
} just loved the idea of making toys for kids.(Elves are odd)
}
} The only remaining problem was how to tell which children were
} deserving of his services.  This wasn't actually a problem, considering
} that Santa and I were fast becoming friends.  It was worked out that
} each year I would provide Santa with a list of all the good girls and
} boys(for a price, of course), and then Santa could simply deliver to
} everone on the list.
}
} So, as you can see, everrything worked out in the end because of yours
} truly.  Oh, and as for what Santa does for the rest of the year, well
} pretty much whatever he wants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all of the nice and naughty people you
} know(you think I'm going to write it out?!), with all of the extremely
} naughty girls names and addresses highlighted.


585-06    (8ckc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  |O|  O Oracle of the Bits and Bytes and Packets, whose data        |O|
>  |O|  transfer rate exceeds the comprehension of system admins      |O|
>  |O|  everywhere, who knows all events future and past, please help |O|
>  |O|  this befuddled supplicant:                                    |O|
>  |O|- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |O|
>  |O|  Why is paper always strongest at the perforations?  It not    |O|
>  |O|  only happens here in the Data Mines,  but in the kitchen with |O|
>  |O|  the paper towels, and in the W.C. with the.... well you know  |O|
>  |O|  (some of us still practice decency, anyway).  Why does the    |O|
>  |O|  paper always tear somewhere OTHER than the perfs?          /\ |O|
>  |O|                                             <N>            /  \|O|
>  |O|- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/    \O|
>  |O|                                                          /      \|
>  |O|/\                                         /\      /\    /
>  |O/  \              /\                       /  \    /  \  /
>  |/    \    /\      /  \    /\/\_:_:::_/\ _ _/    \  /    \/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, mortal, I've never bothered to wonder.  I have no use for
} hygienic paper, I have servants to clean up spills, and since my
} memory is infallible I commit nothing to printouts.
}
} However, a quick scan of the online Books in Print shows that there is
} a new publication which may help you: PERFORATED PAPER TEARING FOR
} DUMMIES.  It's in same series as DOS FOR DUMMIES and UNIX FOR DUMMIES,
} and aimed at the same hopelessly clueless audience.
}
} Of course if you were a TRUE hacker you would long since have mastered
} the Silicon Valley Slice and the Cal Tech Tetrahedral Tear.  You'd be
} able to flick a sheet of line printer paper in such a way that it
} would slice through a human body at short range, and you could
} simultaneously detach four printouts--two with your hands, two with
} your feet--without the tiniest tear.  Master of the ways of wood pulp,
} inferior perforations would then have no terrors for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an approval spec for a new title, ORACLE QUERIES
} AND RESPONSES FOR DUMMIES.


585-07    (4alf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I'm afraid you misunderstood.
>
> When I asked, "Can I have a date with Joanie?",
> I meant Joanie, your secretary (*).
>
> Can I have a date with Joanie?
>
> ===
> (*) Oracularities 541-08, 542-03, 551-02, and numerous wonderful
> ones the foolish Priests didn't choose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm... let's see. <CLICK> Joanie, get in here.
}
} Joanie> Yes, sir. Anything I can do to serve, sir.
}
} ORACLE> Joanie, I just got this letter. Some guy wants to have a date
} with you.  Can you go out on a date with this guy?
}
} Joanie> Certainly, sir, anything I can do for you, just ask, and
} I'll be here to do your bidding with a slaphappy, big dumb grin on
} my face! Only...
}
} ORACLE> Only what?
}
} Joanie> Well, I've got bowling practice tonight...and then, bridge
} with the Wilson's tomorrow, and then bowling again, and then bridge,
} and then...well, it's no problem. I can cancel.
}
} ORACLE> Good. Tomorrow night, then? Lemme just send him...
}
} Joanie> Absolutely. Yes sireebob, can do and will for my favorite
} boss-type being! Only...
}
} ORACLE> Only WHAT?
}
} Joanie> Well, I don't have anything to wear...except for the smart
} business suits and miniskirts I wear for your pleasure, of course.
} But nothing elegant, classy, date-type clothing. Well, I suppose I
} could always buy something.  Okay.  No problem.
}
} ORACLE> Fine, fine, good, good. Lessee...send in%...
}
} Joanie> No, wait!
}
} ORACLE> <SIGH> What now.
}
} Joanie> I just remembered, I have...well, that's no real trouble,
} either. I can DIVORCE my husband. It's been 34 years of marriage after
} all - we're drifting apart. And the kids, well, most of them are
} practically grown, the rest, I guess he could take by himself...or
} maybe put them up for adoption. But hey!  On the bright side, I'm
} putting a peppy, perky, silly, loveable smirk on that round little
} omnipotent face of yours!
}
} ORACLE> <SIGH> Get out of my office, Joanie.
}
} Joanie> Yes, sir, absolutely. I aim to please, O Oracle, my Oracle...
}
} ORACLE> Okay..."Dear Supplicant: No, you can't have a date with Joanie.
} She's married, and she's also a real smartass on occasion. You owe
} me a Mr. Fudge automatic-drip fudge maker, and a partially deflated
} green balloon."


585-08    (38mh6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Soluble, who, unlike *some* deities I could mention, can
> breathe under water, please help me resolve the following dilemma:
>
> The other day, I received a birthday present from my fish.  It was a
> very nice gift, but, unfortunately, as I possess a large collection of
> more than 1600 tropical fish, I do not know which fish to whom I should
> send the thank-you note.  The package was marked simply, "With
> Friendship on your Birthday from a Devoted Fish."  Such gallantry
> should not go unacknowledged.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Write them each a note.
} The 1599 who didn't send presents
} will have guilty looks on their faces.
} Slay them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bouillobaisse.


585-09    (5adai dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose Thanksgiving meals can never be beat.  And who, when he
> doesn't get up the next day, it is because he enjoys his bed to much,
> not because of an over-indulgence of toxic substances.
>
> O Oracle, whose red WV micro-bus is brim full of rakes and shovels and
> implements of destruction.
>
> O Oracle, whose eight by ten colour glossy photos, with circles and
> arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, are the most well taken
> eight by ten colour glossy photos, with circles and arrows and a
> paragraph on the back of each one.
>
> O Oracle, who doesn't need to sing "KILL KILL KILL KILL" in unison with
> his psychiatrist to get a medal for bravery.
>
> O Oracle, I have a question:
>
> Is it permissable for me to paraphrase folk-rock lyrics in my grovels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somebody hand me that six-string over there.
}
} Ahem.  Ahem. (plunk, plunk, plunk)
}
} You can ask anything you want
} as the Oracle's supplicant.
}
} You can ask anything you want....
} as the Oracle's suppli-cant.
}
} But if ya break copywright it could be bad,
} Besides getting <ZOT>ed, you'll make Arlo mad!
}
} So you can ask anything you want
} as the Oracle's supplicant (it could be risky)
} as the Oracle's supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold beer and a signed statement testifying that
} you have rehabilitated yourself.


585-10    (5gib6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> and the soccer team I am currently coaching during a particularly
> oppressive humid bunch of days in August,
>
> Why do you call it a sweatshirt if you wear it when it's cold ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FROM THE AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL FILES:
}
} Sweatshirts are constructed from human sweat.
}
} Hundreds of migrant workers are locked in a room with inadequate
} ventilation and forced to work on various tasks. At the end of the day,
} the sweat is collected, dried, cured, dyed, and spun into great spools
} of sweatfiber.
}
} This sweatfiber is then worked onto a loom and the sweatfabric is made.
} This sweatfabric is cut and shaped into sweatpants, sweatshirts, and
} sweaters. Since the same migrant worksers are forced to work on the
} sweatfiber, they will generate more sweat and thus keep the process
} going.
}
} This is why sweatshirts and sweatpants never wear out - the sweat that
} they generate on the wearer replenishes the fabric and patches any
} holes or tears.
}
} The sweatshop industry is the ultimate in worker abuse. I advise you to
} have your team check their sweatpants and sweatshirts for the
} worker-friendly sweat tag.
}
} You owe the Oracle 1 pint of your own sweat (with a lemon wedge).


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