Goto:

586, 586-01, 586-02, 586-03, 586-04, 586-05, 586-06, 586-07, 586-08, 586-09, 586-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful and amazing Oracle, I'm kinda worried about all the hours > you're putting in.  You might be headed for a nervous breaking down > from overwork, you know.  Have you checked your mental health lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, Dr. Lecter, it's such a pleasure to hear from you again! } } How are things "cooking" down there in Brazil? It has been a long time } since I last got news from you. I sure miss our sessions on Tuesdays } and Thursdays, but I'm getting along alright without them. } } That recurring dream about being run over by a pack of giant wild } woodchucks still gives me some trouble once in a while, but Lisa is } always there to provide immediate relief (she's a great gal). Oh, and } that little Oedipus complex is completely gone, since I got it straight } that Kinzler is NOT my mother (although my feminine self sometimes } yells at me that he is such a stud...). } } Lisa and me were into Reich for sometime. It didn't do much for our } psyche, but our sexual performance got considerably boosted up. A while } ago we changed Reich's Orgonic Box for something much more powerful and } fun: <ZOT>. } } I could spend hours telling you about <ZOT>'s advantages, but since I } know you are so deeply into personal experiences, I'll let you try: } }      <<<<<<<<<<<<<<ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> } } You owe The Oracle a second dinner of lamb chops (extra rare) and your } face.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Musical Master of Oracularities: > > I recently heard a song which contained the refrain: "Insane in the > membrane, insane in the brain!"  To which membrane is this song > referring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The _dura mater_, a membrane lining the inner side of the skull. (The } literal translation, by the way, is "tough mother.") } } As I am sure you are aware, membranes selectively allow certain } substances to cross, but prevent transit by all others.  Many } illnesses may be traced to malfunctioning membranes-- and in } particular, insanity comes from a defective dura mater.  The dura } mater's most important job is to remove poisons from the cerebrospinal } fluid.  Especially optorasterkeratins: a class of enzymes secreted by } the cerebral cortex when stimulated by television. } } Under normal conditions, optorasterkeratins are shipped to the hair } follicles and broken down into keratin and amino acids.  Watch out for } bald people who don't get five o'clock shadows-- they could snap at } any minute. } } Here are some forms of insanity, which optorasterkeratin is the cause, } and what TV shows lead to its production: } } AGGRAVATED OEDIPAL COMPLEX (patricidal mania): Mommymommyase. Produced } by Leave It to Beaver. } } AUTISM: Serotonindehydrogenase.  Produced by Star Trek.  (Don't } believe me?  Watch "Rain Man", and then go to a Trekkie convention.) } } BIPOLAR DISORDER: Hotncoldase.  Produced by baseball games, esp. the } San Francisco Giants. } } CATATONIA: Torporase.  Produced by football games. } } DIPSOMANIA: Gimmeedabourbonase.  Produced by political conventions, } election coverage, State of the Union addresses, and TV evangelists. } } HEBEPHRENIA: 2,3 gilliganase.  Produced by Hee Haw and Green Acres. } } HOMICIDAL MANIA: Pararavanolase.  Produced by Cops, American } Gladiators, CNN, and all sitcoms that feature smartass little } snotnosed kids. } } MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Schizotholinolase.  Produced by the 6 } o'clock news, particularly local news programs that intersperse mayhem } with footage of the annual Hog Waller festival. } } NECROPHILIA: Carriorubitase.  Produced by MTV, especially the "modern } rock" paleskinned whiners endemic to the 1990's.  (Incidentally, } reading the complete works of Anne Rice, including the erotica, } stimulates the secretion of necromasochase-- which produces a morbid } desire to be tied up by a Romantic and whipped with a mummy.) } } NYMPHOMANIA: <censored>ase.  Produced by soap operas and coverage of } the British Royal Family.  (Contrary to popular belief, nymphomania } per se only afflicts middle-aged ladies with overweight, hairy, } flatulent husbands.  The same level of sexual desire in men and young } women is not considered pathological, or even noteworthy.) } } PARANOIA: (classified.)  Produced by documentaries, especially 12-part } Holocaust series on public TV. } } SUICIDAL MANIA: Schizovenuousase. Produced by made-for-TV movies, } especially all the Waco flicks and the saga of Baby Jessica. } } XENOPHOBIA: Kukluxklanase. Produced by foreign car commercials. } } You owe the Oracle twenty micrograms of necromasochase.  Great fun at } parties, that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whats going on?  the last answer I got was wrong!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong?  Wrong!?  I don't think so... } } You see, it all depends on your definitions.  Your last questions } was...hm, let me see...  Ah yes, here it is: } } > How can I get Lisa to come to my dorm room and pleasure me? } } The Oracle's response was...hm...*snicker* *hohoho*  Well, let's just } say that it's a good thing it wasn't published in a public forum, know } what I mean?  But I fail to see what could be "wrong" about it.  I } mean, it will be necessary for you to acquire those animals, and } certainly you can't expect her to show up unless you remove those body } parts so she can play with them while they're not connected to your } scrawny little frame, and of course you can't expect her to show up at } *that* school, so you'll definitely have to transfer first.  Well, I } could go on here, but you get the idea. } } The point is that what may seem "wrong" to you now is, in the Oracle's } vast wisdom, the right thing for all concerned in the long run. } } You owe the Oracle nothing - just part of our customer satisfaction } commitment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I increase the size of table space in the data base, and how do > I check for its size using SQL. > Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want an answer?  Do you?  Do you?  Well, you're gonna have to PAY } for it!  Bwa ha ha ha haaa!  Pay through the nose!  Or hire a } CONSULTANT, even!  We've got a whole stable of 'em!  Yours for a mere } hundred bucks an hour! } } And you're going to do it, too!  You've already bought the product! } You boss thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and he } wants you to use it for EVERYTHING!  It's eating your disk space! } It's pegging your CPU!  And there's nothing you can do about it! } } And just WAIT 'till you see what we have in store for you!  Just WAIT } until our marketers convince your boss to buy our Office Automation } tools!  We've got a product that does email and keeps track of your } appointments.  You know how big the executable is?  One meg?  Two? } Four?  No!  A full EIGHT MEGABYTES!  And you'll have to USE IT!  Your } workstation will slow to a CRAWL!  Your monitor will MELT!  And you'll } be PAYING US FOR THE PRIVILEGE! } } So take your PUNY LITTLE QUESTION and CRAWL ON YOUR KNEES to our World } HQ in Redwood Shores, California!  And then maybe, MAYBE, Oracle will } answer you! } } -- } Larry Ellison <lellison@us.oracle.com>            We have a hammer. } CEO, Oracle Corporation                        Your problem is a nail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Brilliant Oracle, I simply cannot figure this one out, so I am > turning to you.  Why are automatic pencils sometimes called lead > pencils, even though they use graphite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they have a starring role. } } You owe the oracle a pencil bush.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle > How do I get myself a > black belt in haiku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Typewriter ribbon } All the ink now on paper } Look!  Haiku black belt!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allknowing Oracle, master of the fates of billions of lives, > > My computer has a mouse which is irritating me, and I want to get rid > of it.  Are there any electronic cats which can aid me in this matter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   There are several types of electronic cats, depending on you machine. } If (for example) you have a Mac(tm)intosh(tm) by Apple(tm) running } System(tm) 7(tm), you need Apple(tm)'s Mac(tm)Cat(tm).  This is a very } useful utility, not only does it clear your desktop of any } Mac(tm)Mice(tm), it also renders your Mac(tm)intosh(tm) useful as a } purring lap warmer. } }   If you run Windows 3.1, Microsoft sells WinCat 3.1, which } unfortunately has a bug, in the manner that it only removes Microsoft } Mice, and refuses to acknowledge any third party mice. } }   If you happen to run Microsoft NT, there are several third party } NT-no-mouse programs, but they need a Pentium/66 and 128meg of memory } to run. Microsoft have just started to supply a modified WinCat that } runs under NT, CatNT 1.0. It apparently consists of 48 1.44 meg } diskettes, and a large hammer. } }   For an Xwindows System, you can ftp xsuki.tar.z.  It doesn't actually } get rid of your mouse, but is most entertaing to play with.  The oracle } would suggest using the hammer supplied with CatNT for this scenario. } }   For any other Mouse-removal-problems, you allways have the option of } getting a _REAL_ cat, covering your mouse in a thick layer of fish, and } putting them both in the same room together. There will be only one } winner in this contest, and the Oracle has his money on the Cat. } } You owe the oracle a new Colour Xterm, and a large slice of Edam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two carrots, three turnips and a mango. > patty patty patty patty pat > zoo zoo zoo zoo zee zee zee zee > I'll say no more for $10,000.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two lemurs, went dancing; a tango. } Frink, frink, frink, frink, Woo! } Womp-bomp-a loo-lomb, womp bam boo, } I'm writing no more for you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Consider my Oracular career: > Full many a long and lonely night I've spent > lying awake, all drenched with sweaty fear > of earning <Zot!>s for questions I have sent. > Not once in all this time did it befall > that <Zot!>ning bolts were thrown to take to task > this supplicative fool, in spite of all > the Null and Woodchuck queries that I ask. > I waste no ink on Grovels now, nor fear > electrocution by your <Zot!>ning bolts: > an insight came to me and made it clear > that <Zot!>ting's only feared by clueless dolts. > Here's the revelation I have got: > Woodchucks are real, the Oracle is not! > > Woodchucks are live, the Oracle's a lie! > Woodchucks are true, the Oracle is false! > Chicago, Danny Quayle, and MS-DOS > are facts whose truth nobody can deny; > a politician's promise, or a dream > of summer love, a slipper made of glass, > are only fantasy: and so, alas, > are You. Reality would really seem > less ghastly if the coin were flipped, and all > the unreal things I've listed became real, > and all the real unreal! I deeply feel > your lack, O Orrie, and existence palls -- > for who to live in such a world would choose, > where Woodchucks are the truth and Oracles a ruse? > > O Oracle, I pray that you become the truth, > and Dole and Woodchuck both become a lie, > Daily I pray, and sacrifice forsooth, > but fruitless are my pleas, my hopes denied. > Some other means than prayer is what I need, > some way to turn the tables on what is, > and so I ask: to me an Answer speed, > and "tellme" how to cause You to exist! > Alas! You cannot answer! You're not real! > But who can tell me how to make you true > if not Yourself? I'd ask the Man of Steel, > or Santa Claus, but they have problems too. > Tell me, Orrie, how to make it so, > that Oracle is "yes" and woodchucks "no"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor mortal, you have erred, but I, } despite that fact, shall opt to spare } you from the <zot!> -- your desp'rate plight } did make me weep.  (But do beware, } O supplicant, lest you forget, } that grovelling will serve you well. } If you don't grovel more, I'll let } my Lisa <zot!> you straight to Hell.) } Your woodchuck question has laid bare, } for all to see who do have eyes, } the folly of your world-view's error } in all its monumental size. } Now hear! and I will speak to you } of when the world of Man was new: } } When the world was young, in the days ere the 'Net -- } E'en then I was here, though in different guise. } Since most of the people and I hadn't met, } my questions were mostly from creatures less wise: } The deer and the antelope, who mainly played, } and the lions and tigers and bears that roamed free, } the wolves that howled, and the sheep that brayed, } and the woodchuck, ah yes, the woodchuck may be } of all my petitioners the most greatly annoying -- } E'er since day one, they've all asked me the same, } and that question by now has become trite and cloying } (A few aeons more and even I'll go insane!): } The first question asked by the first woodchuck } was "How Much Wood Would A Woodchuck Chuck?" } } But now, the world of Man has grown larger, } with DOS and Chicago and Dan Quayle and more: } Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Jimmy Carter -- } An Oracle's needed as never before. } I no longer pay heed to the questions of woodchucks, } they don't bother me much here on the 'Net. } Now you've got the Oracle, which is your good luck, } but woodchucks are part of the package you get. } So you see, mortal supplicant, there's really no need } to cause me to be, nor to make woodchucks not. } I came before them but they are and, indeed, } you must accept it, or else risk my <zot!>. } The Oracle requires you to show appreciation } by writing more sonnets, in style Elizabethan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderfully Literate Oracle, whose mind is better than any database, >    How many peas are in a pod?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, taking a break from pondering the imponderable, decides to } check the incoming mailbox. Scanning through the questions before } answering any of the he notices a disturbing trend. } } 'Hmm...how many drops of water in the ocean...how many grains of sand } in the Sahara desert, how many stars in the Milky way...what is this, a } census of the universe?' } } Answering these questions, the Oracle leans back (in a figurative } sense) to ponder the trend. A few more normal (?) questions arrive, and } he lets the Priesthood take care of them. Then yet another how many } question arrives. } } 'How many peas in a pod? What is it with these how many questions?' } } The Oracle decides it is time to get down to the bottom of this trend } and scans the email addresses of the offending questions. } } 'These are all from the same person!' } The Oracle turns on the Omnivision.... } } [cut to the Supplicant's computer lab] } } The supplicant and some friends sit around a terminal, giggling. One of } them says 'Oh! Oh! I have one: How many leaves on a tree?' Uproarious } laughter ensues.... } } [back to the Oracle's room] } } The Oracle's finger reaches for a small red button, but pauses as an } even better idea strikes... } } 'First, a quick reply:' } }       The answer to your question is, of course, 42. Some of }       the peas, however, are meta-peas, and therefore do not }       exist in our physical universe. } } 'Now, let's see....' says the Oracle, furiously typing. } } [At the supplicant's and supplicant's friends homes, the doorbell } rings] } } 'Yes?' } } 'Package for you...sign here..' } } [Each signs, takes the rather large package, closes the door, and opens } the package...] } } There are 2 booklets: one is about the size of the New York City phone } book, and the other appears to be about 50 pages long. The first reads } 'Instructions for form A893/42', and the second 'Form A893/42: New } Complete Census and Family History'. There is also a letter reading: } }       Attention! YOU have been selected by the Federal Government }       to test the new, improved Census form (brought to you by the }       makers of the IRS forms). Failure to fill out this form }       completely and correctly may result in a fine of up to }       $10,000 and/or 20 years in prison. The form must be returned }       by September 1st, 1993 or penalties may apply. } } [Each person screams] } } You owe the Oracle a scientific calculator and some take-out Chinese } food.