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Internet Oracularities #586

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586, 586-01, 586-02, 586-03, 586-04, 586-05, 586-06, 586-07, 586-08, 586-09, 586-10


Usenet Oracularities #586    (53 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1993 00:10:32 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   586
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

586   53 votes bqb41 3ajf6 7og60 47aie 5akg2 49aak 3agk4 ebl52 52jde 38kh5
586   3.0 mean  2.2   3.2   2.4   3.6   3.0   3.6   3.2   2.4   3.5   3.2


586-01    (bqb41 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful and amazing Oracle, I'm kinda worried about all the hours
> you're putting in.  You might be headed for a nervous breaking down
> from overwork, you know.  Have you checked your mental health lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, Dr. Lecter, it's such a pleasure to hear from you again!
}
} How are things "cooking" down there in Brazil? It has been a long time
} since I last got news from you. I sure miss our sessions on Tuesdays
} and Thursdays, but I'm getting along alright without them.
}
} That recurring dream about being run over by a pack of giant wild
} woodchucks still gives me some trouble once in a while, but Lisa is
} always there to provide immediate relief (she's a great gal). Oh, and
} that little Oedipus complex is completely gone, since I got it straight
} that Kinzler is NOT my mother (although my feminine self sometimes
} yells at me that he is such a stud...).
}
} Lisa and me were into Reich for sometime. It didn't do much for our
} psyche, but our sexual performance got considerably boosted up. A while
} ago we changed Reich's Orgonic Box for something much more powerful and
} fun: <ZOT>.
}
} I could spend hours telling you about <ZOT>'s advantages, but since I
} know you are so deeply into personal experiences, I'll let you try:
}
}      <<<<<<<<<<<<<<ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
}
} You owe The Oracle a second dinner of lamb chops (extra rare) and your
} face.


586-02    (3ajf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Musical Master of Oracularities:
>
> I recently heard a song which contained the refrain: "Insane in the
> membrane, insane in the brain!"  To which membrane is this song
> referring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The _dura mater_, a membrane lining the inner side of the skull. (The
} literal translation, by the way, is "tough mother.")
}
} As I am sure you are aware, membranes selectively allow certain
} substances to cross, but prevent transit by all others.  Many
} illnesses may be traced to malfunctioning membranes-- and in
} particular, insanity comes from a defective dura mater.  The dura
} mater's most important job is to remove poisons from the cerebrospinal
} fluid.  Especially optorasterkeratins: a class of enzymes secreted by
} the cerebral cortex when stimulated by television.
}
} Under normal conditions, optorasterkeratins are shipped to the hair
} follicles and broken down into keratin and amino acids.  Watch out for
} bald people who don't get five o'clock shadows-- they could snap at
} any minute.
}
} Here are some forms of insanity, which optorasterkeratin is the cause,
} and what TV shows lead to its production:
}
} AGGRAVATED OEDIPAL COMPLEX (patricidal mania): Mommymommyase. Produced
} by Leave It to Beaver.
}
} AUTISM: Serotonindehydrogenase.  Produced by Star Trek.  (Don't
} believe me?  Watch "Rain Man", and then go to a Trekkie convention.)
}
} BIPOLAR DISORDER: Hotncoldase.  Produced by baseball games, esp. the
} San Francisco Giants.
}
} CATATONIA: Torporase.  Produced by football games.
}
} DIPSOMANIA: Gimmeedabourbonase.  Produced by political conventions,
} election coverage, State of the Union addresses, and TV evangelists.
}
} HEBEPHRENIA: 2,3 gilliganase.  Produced by Hee Haw and Green Acres.
}
} HOMICIDAL MANIA: Pararavanolase.  Produced by Cops, American
} Gladiators, CNN, and all sitcoms that feature smartass little
} snotnosed kids.
}
} MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Schizotholinolase.  Produced by the 6
} o'clock news, particularly local news programs that intersperse mayhem
} with footage of the annual Hog Waller festival.
}
} NECROPHILIA: Carriorubitase.  Produced by MTV, especially the "modern
} rock" paleskinned whiners endemic to the 1990's.  (Incidentally,
} reading the complete works of Anne Rice, including the erotica,
} stimulates the secretion of necromasochase-- which produces a morbid
} desire to be tied up by a Romantic and whipped with a mummy.)
}
} NYMPHOMANIA: <censored>ase.  Produced by soap operas and coverage of
} the British Royal Family.  (Contrary to popular belief, nymphomania
} per se only afflicts middle-aged ladies with overweight, hairy,
} flatulent husbands.  The same level of sexual desire in men and young
} women is not considered pathological, or even noteworthy.)
}
} PARANOIA: (classified.)  Produced by documentaries, especially 12-part
} Holocaust series on public TV.
}
} SUICIDAL MANIA: Schizovenuousase. Produced by made-for-TV movies,
} especially all the Waco flicks and the saga of Baby Jessica.
}
} XENOPHOBIA: Kukluxklanase. Produced by foreign car commercials.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty micrograms of necromasochase.  Great fun at
} parties, that.


586-03    (7og60 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whats going on?  the last answer I got was wrong!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong?  Wrong!?  I don't think so...
}
} You see, it all depends on your definitions.  Your last questions
} was...hm, let me see...  Ah yes, here it is:
}
} > How can I get Lisa to come to my dorm room and pleasure me?
}
} The Oracle's response was...hm...*snicker* *hohoho*  Well, let's just
} say that it's a good thing it wasn't published in a public forum, know
} what I mean?  But I fail to see what could be "wrong" about it.  I
} mean, it will be necessary for you to acquire those animals, and
} certainly you can't expect her to show up unless you remove those body
} parts so she can play with them while they're not connected to your
} scrawny little frame, and of course you can't expect her to show up at
} *that* school, so you'll definitely have to transfer first.  Well, I
} could go on here, but you get the idea.
}
} The point is that what may seem "wrong" to you now is, in the Oracle's
} vast wisdom, the right thing for all concerned in the long run.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing - just part of our customer satisfaction
} commitment.


586-04    (47aie dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I increase the size of table space in the data base, and how do
> I check for its size using SQL.
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want an answer?  Do you?  Do you?  Well, you're gonna have to PAY
} for it!  Bwa ha ha ha haaa!  Pay through the nose!  Or hire a
} CONSULTANT, even!  We've got a whole stable of 'em!  Yours for a mere
} hundred bucks an hour!
}
} And you're going to do it, too!  You've already bought the product!
} You boss thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and he
} wants you to use it for EVERYTHING!  It's eating your disk space!
} It's pegging your CPU!  And there's nothing you can do about it!
}
} And just WAIT 'till you see what we have in store for you!  Just WAIT
} until our marketers convince your boss to buy our Office Automation
} tools!  We've got a product that does email and keeps track of your
} appointments.  You know how big the executable is?  One meg?  Two?
} Four?  No!  A full EIGHT MEGABYTES!  And you'll have to USE IT!  Your
} workstation will slow to a CRAWL!  Your monitor will MELT!  And you'll
} be PAYING US FOR THE PRIVILEGE!
}
} So take your PUNY LITTLE QUESTION and CRAWL ON YOUR KNEES to our World
} HQ in Redwood Shores, California!  And then maybe, MAYBE, Oracle will
} answer you!
}
} --
} Larry Ellison <lellison@us.oracle.com>            We have a hammer.
} CEO, Oracle Corporation                        Your problem is a nail.


586-05    (5akg2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Brilliant Oracle, I simply cannot figure this one out, so I am
> turning to you.  Why are automatic pencils sometimes called lead
> pencils, even though they use graphite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they have a starring role.
}
} You owe the oracle a pencil bush.


586-06    (49aak dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle
> How do I get myself a
> black belt in haiku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Typewriter ribbon
} All the ink now on paper
} Look!  Haiku black belt!


586-07    (3agk4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allknowing Oracle, master of the fates of billions of lives,
>
> My computer has a mouse which is irritating me, and I want to get rid
> of it.  Are there any electronic cats which can aid me in this matter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   There are several types of electronic cats, depending on you machine.
} If (for example) you have a Mac(tm)intosh(tm) by Apple(tm) running
} System(tm) 7(tm), you need Apple(tm)'s Mac(tm)Cat(tm).  This is a very
} useful utility, not only does it clear your desktop of any
} Mac(tm)Mice(tm), it also renders your Mac(tm)intosh(tm) useful as a
} purring lap warmer.
}
}   If you run Windows 3.1, Microsoft sells WinCat 3.1, which
} unfortunately has a bug, in the manner that it only removes Microsoft
} Mice, and refuses to acknowledge any third party mice.
}
}   If you happen to run Microsoft NT, there are several third party
} NT-no-mouse programs, but they need a Pentium/66 and 128meg of memory
} to run. Microsoft have just started to supply a modified WinCat that
} runs under NT, CatNT 1.0. It apparently consists of 48 1.44 meg
} diskettes, and a large hammer.
}
}   For an Xwindows System, you can ftp xsuki.tar.z.  It doesn't actually
} get rid of your mouse, but is most entertaing to play with.  The oracle
} would suggest using the hammer supplied with CatNT for this scenario.
}
}   For any other Mouse-removal-problems, you allways have the option of
} getting a _REAL_ cat, covering your mouse in a thick layer of fish, and
} putting them both in the same room together. There will be only one
} winner in this contest, and the Oracle has his money on the Cat.
}
} You owe the oracle a new Colour Xterm, and a large slice of Edam.


586-08    (ebl52 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two carrots, three turnips and a mango.
> patty patty patty patty pat
> zoo zoo zoo zoo zee zee zee zee
> I'll say no more for $10,000.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two lemurs, went dancing; a tango.
} Frink, frink, frink, frink, Woo!
} Womp-bomp-a loo-lomb, womp bam boo,
} I'm writing no more for you.


586-09    (52jde dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Consider my Oracular career:
> Full many a long and lonely night I've spent
> lying awake, all drenched with sweaty fear
> of earning <Zot!>s for questions I have sent.
> Not once in all this time did it befall
> that <Zot!>ning bolts were thrown to take to task
> this supplicative fool, in spite of all
> the Null and Woodchuck queries that I ask.
> I waste no ink on Grovels now, nor fear
> electrocution by your <Zot!>ning bolts:
> an insight came to me and made it clear
> that <Zot!>ting's only feared by clueless dolts.
> Here's the revelation I have got:
> Woodchucks are real, the Oracle is not!
>
> Woodchucks are live, the Oracle's a lie!
> Woodchucks are true, the Oracle is false!
> Chicago, Danny Quayle, and MS-DOS
> are facts whose truth nobody can deny;
> a politician's promise, or a dream
> of summer love, a slipper made of glass,
> are only fantasy: and so, alas,
> are You. Reality would really seem
> less ghastly if the coin were flipped, and all
> the unreal things I've listed became real,
> and all the real unreal! I deeply feel
> your lack, O Orrie, and existence palls --
> for who to live in such a world would choose,
> where Woodchucks are the truth and Oracles a ruse?
>
> O Oracle, I pray that you become the truth,
> and Dole and Woodchuck both become a lie,
> Daily I pray, and sacrifice forsooth,
> but fruitless are my pleas, my hopes denied.
> Some other means than prayer is what I need,
> some way to turn the tables on what is,
> and so I ask: to me an Answer speed,
> and "tellme" how to cause You to exist!
> Alas! You cannot answer! You're not real!
> But who can tell me how to make you true
> if not Yourself? I'd ask the Man of Steel,
> or Santa Claus, but they have problems too.
> Tell me, Orrie, how to make it so,
> that Oracle is "yes" and woodchucks "no"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor mortal, you have erred, but I,
} despite that fact, shall opt to spare
} you from the <zot!> -- your desp'rate plight
} did make me weep.  (But do beware,
} O supplicant, lest you forget,
} that grovelling will serve you well.
} If you don't grovel more, I'll let
} my Lisa <zot!> you straight to Hell.)
} Your woodchuck question has laid bare,
} for all to see who do have eyes,
} the folly of your world-view's error
} in all its monumental size.
} Now hear! and I will speak to you
} of when the world of Man was new:
}
} When the world was young, in the days ere the 'Net --
} E'en then I was here, though in different guise.
} Since most of the people and I hadn't met,
} my questions were mostly from creatures less wise:
} The deer and the antelope, who mainly played,
} and the lions and tigers and bears that roamed free,
} the wolves that howled, and the sheep that brayed,
} and the woodchuck, ah yes, the woodchuck may be
} of all my petitioners the most greatly annoying --
} E'er since day one, they've all asked me the same,
} and that question by now has become trite and cloying
} (A few aeons more and even I'll go insane!):
} The first question asked by the first woodchuck
} was "How Much Wood Would A Woodchuck Chuck?"
}
} But now, the world of Man has grown larger,
} with DOS and Chicago and Dan Quayle and more:
} Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Jimmy Carter --
} An Oracle's needed as never before.
} I no longer pay heed to the questions of woodchucks,
} they don't bother me much here on the 'Net.
} Now you've got the Oracle, which is your good luck,
} but woodchucks are part of the package you get.
} So you see, mortal supplicant, there's really no need
} to cause me to be, nor to make woodchucks not.
} I came before them but they are and, indeed,
} you must accept it, or else risk my <zot!>.
} The Oracle requires you to show appreciation
} by writing more sonnets, in style Elizabethan.


586-10    (38kh5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderfully Literate Oracle, whose mind is better than any database,
>    How many peas are in a pod?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, taking a break from pondering the imponderable, decides to
} check the incoming mailbox. Scanning through the questions before
} answering any of the he notices a disturbing trend.
}
} 'Hmm...how many drops of water in the ocean...how many grains of sand
} in the Sahara desert, how many stars in the Milky way...what is this, a
} census of the universe?'
}
} Answering these questions, the Oracle leans back (in a figurative
} sense) to ponder the trend. A few more normal (?) questions arrive, and
} he lets the Priesthood take care of them. Then yet another how many
} question arrives.
}
} 'How many peas in a pod? What is it with these how many questions?'
}
} The Oracle decides it is time to get down to the bottom of this trend
} and scans the email addresses of the offending questions.
}
} 'These are all from the same person!'
} The Oracle turns on the Omnivision....
}
} [cut to the Supplicant's computer lab]
}
} The supplicant and some friends sit around a terminal, giggling. One of
} them says 'Oh! Oh! I have one: How many leaves on a tree?' Uproarious
} laughter ensues....
}
} [back to the Oracle's room]
}
} The Oracle's finger reaches for a small red button, but pauses as an
} even better idea strikes...
}
} 'First, a quick reply:'
}
}       The answer to your question is, of course, 42. Some of
}       the peas, however, are meta-peas, and therefore do not
}       exist in our physical universe.
}
} 'Now, let's see....' says the Oracle, furiously typing.
}
} [At the supplicant's and supplicant's friends homes, the doorbell
} rings]
}
} 'Yes?'
}
} 'Package for you...sign here..'
}
} [Each signs, takes the rather large package, closes the door, and opens
} the package...]
}
} There are 2 booklets: one is about the size of the New York City phone
} book, and the other appears to be about 50 pages long. The first reads
} 'Instructions for form A893/42', and the second 'Form A893/42: New
} Complete Census and Family History'. There is also a letter reading:
}
}       Attention! YOU have been selected by the Federal Government
}       to test the new, improved Census form (brought to you by the
}       makers of the IRS forms). Failure to fill out this form
}       completely and correctly may result in a fine of up to
}       $10,000 and/or 20 years in prison. The form must be returned
}       by September 1st, 1993 or penalties may apply.
}
} [Each person screams]
}
} You owe the Oracle a scientific calculator and some take-out Chinese
} food.


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