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Internet Oracularities #587

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587, 587-01, 587-02, 587-03, 587-04, 587-05, 587-06, 587-07, 587-08, 587-09, 587-10


Usenet Oracularities #587    (49 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:28:09 -0500

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   587
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

587   49 votes 79ea9 1d9h9 26fk6 9dea3 1bfi4 6hd49 38gf7 08gg9 bib90 5fg94
587   3.1 mean  3.1   3.4   3.4   2.7   3.3   2.9   3.3   3.5   2.4   2.8


587-01    (79ea9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and all knowing Oracle, I have noticed that my dog twirls
> around in a clockwise circle before laying down.  Tell me, do dogs in
> the southern hemisphere twirl around in an anti-clockwise direction
> before laying down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It isn't the dog that decides which way it will twirl around before
} laying down, it's the tapeworm inside. When the tapeworm contracts
} after a hard day of adsorption, the dog has to curl up to accommodate
} this. It is quite possible that the tapeworm was born from an egg
} contained in foreign imported dog food, and so therefore dogs in the
} same location curl up either clockwise or antclockwise.
}
} And, in fact, dogs in the Northern Hemisphere should twist around
} ANTI-CLOCKWISE before they lay down. This is solid evidence that you
} have been damaging the balance of payments of our hemisphere by buying
} cheap, imported dog food. As you may know, there is significant
} evidence to show that the Southern Hemisphere dog food cartel has been
} dumping dog food in the Northern Hemisphere for prices less than the
} actual production costs of the dog food, as an aggressive move to
} freeze Northern Hemisphere dog food manufacturers out of the market,
} subsidised by high prices paid by the consumers of the heavily
} protected Southern Hemisphere market.
}
} Not only that, but Southern Hemisphere dog food is often made from
} materials that are dangerous for your dog in the long term. Namely
} KANGAROO MEAT. Yes, have you noticed that your dog tends to be a bit
} more "jumpy" than it used to be? Does your dog tend to bounce a bit
} higher than before? Continue feeding unsafe dog food to your dog and it
} could end up the way of "Sparky". Sparky was a dog that used to be full
} of health and used to love chasing balls. However, Sparky's owner fed
} Sparky on a diet of Southern Hemisphere dog food of doubtful origin.
} Not knowing how far Sparky's affliction had advanced, Sparky's owner
} bounced a ball too hard on the city pavement, and the ball bounced in
} through a window of a skyscraper. To the absolute horror of all around
} Sparky leapt several times higher than he had ever been seen to before,
} STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW AFTER IT.
}
} Start feeding your dog only quality Northern Hemisphere dog food before
} it's too late. However, as your dog already has a Southern Hemisphere
} tapeworm inside, you must get this tapeworm treated before changing
} foodstuffs. You see, one type of tapeworm makes your dog curl one way,
} and the other type of tapeworm makes it curl the other way. A dog
} infected with both Northern and Southern Hemisphere tapeworms at the
} same time will, when it's time to rest, be pulled in both directions at
} once, and instead of curling will split down the middle like a bacteria
} dividing.
}
} See what danger you have exposed your dog to with unsafe and
} economically unsound Southern Hemisphere dog food? I hope you're
} thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle the remaining 2% of shares the Oracle needs for a
} controlling interest in North Star Pet Foods incorporated.


587-02    (1d9h9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, from whom all knowledge flows,
>
> Why are there so many different types of fuses?  I mean, I can
> understand the "slow blow" and "fast blow" distinction as an important
> one.  However, they don't just let it go at that.  You've got all these
> 3-letter codes for them, and usually it is specified exactly which ones
> you need.
>
> I have a co-worker who says that these actually mean something
> specific, but my point of view is that it's all a scheme by the fuse
> manufacturers to sell more fuses - after all, what self-respecting
> repair shop wouldn't have the whole set of fuses, even if they only use
> three different values or so anyway?  (you know, 1/10 amp, 10 amp, and
> 0000 no-blow)
>
> So, wise and glorious one, if you cold enlighten me on this one, I'd
> appreciate the heck out of it.
>
> Yours truly,
> a.humble.supplican

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's only two kinds of fuses that I know of.  There's the slow fuse
} that burns so slow you think it's gone out, so you go over to check
} the dynamite, and BOOMMM!!!! it blows up in your face and singes your
} whiskers.  Then there's the fast fuse that burns so fast you don't
} have time to throw the dynamite, and BOOOMMM!!!! it blows up in your
} hand and fries your fur.  Either way the @#@$@#$&! bird gets away.
}
} If there's any other kind of fuses, bud, I don't know about them, but
} if you find out about any let me know.
}
} The Acme Oracle  (incarnated as wcoyote@blanc.warner.com)


587-03    (26fk6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who could break any world highjump record even if
> thou did so from a handstand position, thou who could run the 100metres
> in 5 seconds as a three-legged race with a 100Kg gorilla. Thou who
> could parry any sucker punch, if there were a boxer who would dare
> sucker punch the Oracle, which there is not.
>
> Hear this insignificant plea from this measly worm of a supplicant, not
> worthy of polishing your discus, and answer this, my insignificantly
> insignificant question.
>
> What do Saudi Arabian women wear under their veils and chador?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little known fact that, in the geologic era when all lands of
} the Earth were one land, the masses now known as "Scotland" and "Saudi
} Arabia" were joined as a subcontinent known as "Bonnygondwali Land".
} Here the indigenous tribe, the Bedowegians, developed many strange
} mannerisms of dress and speech. One important fashion tip was that all
} members of the tribe wore a sequence of loose-fitting, wraparound
} garments beginning at the head and ending at the knees.
}
} Like all enlightened societies, the Bedowegians spent much of their
} time debating the merits and health effects of various human
} activities. Unlike some societies, the debate over two particular
} substances, caffeine and alcohol, developed into a cultural struggle of
} epic proportions.
}
} The caffeine crowd, often waxing poetic for days at a time about the
} virtues of their brews, affected a dark dress covering the face and
} torso. This had the advantage of protecting against the inevitable
} spills caused by the hand inexplicably jumping 2 feet to the left while
} holding a nice, hot cup of coffee (incidentally, the state in which
} such drinkers often found themselves led directly to the term
} "soggies", thus "Soggy Arabians").
}
} Similarly, the alcohol bunch adopted a multicolored skirt about the
} waist. The arrangement of greens, blues, reds, and oranges effectively
} masked the strange color-blindness which afflicted the wearer on the
} morning after a long meeting with the Whisky Anti-Defamation League.
}
} When in the Great Catastrophe of way-too-many-years-ago BC (see
} Oracular Reference #2878635-22, "Human Factors in Continental Drift:
} Did Cholesterol Split the Supercontinent?") Bonnygondwali land broke
} apart, the two factions took the opportunity to go their separate ways.
} The coffee took the high road, the whisky took the low road, and thus
} got to Scotland before Allah.
}
} But the coffee klatch soon began to feel an emptiness caused by the
} lack of any opposition. While in later millenia this cultural
} dysfunction blossomed into the concept of the "jihad", or "war fought
} for lack of anything better to do", early leaders decided to
} commemorate their noble adversaries by adding to the traditional
} clothing required of all women.
}
} So, the answer to your question is:
}
} Under the chador, Saudi Arabian women wear a kilt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sporran with a crescent and star.


587-04    (9dea3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Master of all knowledge, enlighten me please:
>
>     "How many priests are necessary to change a light bulb?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one, but it has to be funny.


587-05    (1bfi4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ is higher than my best pinball score,
>
> My brother-in-law got a job with the Turnpike.
> He was so dumb, they had to put him on the exact-change lane.
>
> My uncle invested his life savings in a franchise to sell
> solar-powered flashlights.
>
> I sit around writing questions to you.
>
> Have you any relatives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, in fact.  But my mother-in-law is so poor that when I saw her
} kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing, she
} told me she was moving.  My sister-in-law is so ugly, when we were at a
} restaurant and she was crawling under the table to get her dropped
} napkin, the waiter came by and said, "I'm sorry, but we do not allow
} dogs in this establishment."  My father-in-law is so stupid, he tried
} to patent helicopter ejection seats.
}
} I sit around answering questions from supplicants like you.
}
} You owe the Oracle your family tree.


587-06    (6hd49 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle... I think of myself as a good Catholic.  But John
> Paul II's stand on abortion ticks me off.  Could you ask the Holy
> Trinity if I'm going to Hell?  Thanks loads...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Father said yes, the Son said no, and the Holy Ghost said maybe.
} Draw your own conclusions, pal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible.


587-07    (38gf7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tommy, can you hear me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mommy?  Is that you?  Um... *blush*, I'd like you to meet Lisa,
} Mommy.  No, don't get up, Lisa, please... Mommy, I really wish
} you would have knocked first.
}
} You owe the Oracle, um, that pair of pants on that chair over
} there.  Just throw them in this direction.  Don't look.


587-08    (08gg9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose tendency to sesquipedalian lexicalization is
> laudable, in one of your recent Oracularities (585-03), you used
> the word "videlicit".  That's a pretty cool word.  And you actually
> used the whole word, not just the abbreviation "viz.", which is much
> more common today.  How can I learn to write like you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} This had better stay between me and you, okay?
}
} I have a copy of a program known as a "foginator", which is used mostly
} by lawyers and politicians to create unfathomable grammatical
} abominations, incomprehensible to the typical person.
}
} Here's a quick example...
}
} $ cat file.txt
} send me ten percent of your money.
} $ cat file.txt | fognicate
} I. All aforementions sources of income not previously categorized in a
} subsection of the preceeding regulations promulgated by the federal
} district commisioner of revenue enhancement may be subjected to a
} preferential levy imposed upon determination of the source of
} applicable income within the guidelines imposed by article XVII of USC
} title LX(i) which have not been exempted through regulations forthwith.
} $ ^D
} $ logout
}
} The fognicator has not been made available to ordinary folks, though.
} We need a way to keep otherwise unemployable people out of the streets,
} and politics and law look like the only good answers right now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a defognicator.


587-09    (bib90 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you be my salty dog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Lisa!  C'mere!  Yeah, it is good one.
}
} [ Sounds of two people giggling heard in the background. ]
}
} [ One suddenly stops giggling. ]
}
} No, you first.  Look, I did that chipmunk thing last time.  It's YOUR
} turn.  No, I don't have anything against dogs.  I just want you to do
} it this time!  Oh, sure you did that yesterday, but that wasn't even
} a MAMMAL! Aw, c'mon, it's YOUR turn, dammit.  Well, fine, if you're
} going to be that way about it, why don't we just forget....
}
} Look at what?
}
} Hey, that's the power switch!  You mean that thing is turned ON?
} If it's connected, that means that everyone can hear....
}
} Um.
}
} >AHEM<
}
} While I do have the necessary transmogrification equipment for the
} canine portion of your request, the salt is a problem.  Getting that
} much in my fur tends to mat my coat.  Therefore, I only use it on
} special occasions.  Like two days ago.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large tub of warm, soapy water, a scrub
} brush, and a few pine nuts.


587-10    (5fg94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most honored and wise Oracle, why does the pope wear that funny
> squid-shaped hat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, the cat's out of the bag.  Or should I say, out of
} the hat.  You see, a thousand years ago the Pope was accompanying his
} fishermen out to sea, in hopes that he would catch a glimpse of Christ
} walking the waters.  Unfortunately, the Pope did not see Him, but
} fortunately the fishermen hauled in quite a load - including a squid.
}
} On the way back, one of the fishermen was examining the ill-tempered
} cephalopod when it lost its temper and squirted "ink" into the fool's
} eye. Startled, he tossed the critter into the air.  Through some horrid
} coincidence, it landed directly on the Pope's head.  Immediately it
} suctioned itself to the holy man's cranium, and he suffered a heart
} attack from fright and died.
}
} When the fishermen returned with the dead Pope, the Pope's family of
} course wanted to know what had happened.  Knowing what would be done to
} them if it was discovered that the squid which the fisherman threw
} killed the Pope, the fishermen lied, saying that the Pope had not been
} worthy and had been struck down by lightning, or something like that.
}
} They went on to explain that the hat on his head, which curiously
} resisted any sort of attempt to remove it, was a gift from the wife of
} one of the fishermen.  Coos of delight rang throughout the village
} square, and an order was at once written which stated that a strange
} hat to be patterned after the original was to be worn by every Pope,
} and was to be passed down through the ages.
}
} So that, my friend, is why the Pope wears that idiotic thing on top of
} his head.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fish tale.


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