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Internet Oracularities #588

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588, 588-01, 588-02, 588-03, 588-04, 588-05, 588-06, 588-07, 588-08, 588-09, 588-10


Usenet Oracularities #588    (46 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:25:05 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   588
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

588   46 votes 6q554 c78d6 9gc45 5eda4 6ee84 6ch83 7bi82 24cgc 28jb6 5aad8
588   2.9 mean  2.5   2.9   2.6   2.9   2.8   2.8   2.7   3.7   3.2   3.2


588-01    (6q554 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How <SPLAT!> do <SPLAT!> I <SPLAT!> get <SPLAT!> rid <SPLAT!> of
> <SPLAT!> the <SPLAT!> "Drooling <SPLAT!> Woodchuck" <SPLAT!> curse?
> <SPLAT!>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, foolish mortal!  You have asked one too many questions like
} 'How much wood', or 'How many boards', or something like that!
} Well, my supplicant, the Drooling Woodchuck curse is actually a
} disease custom created for the Oracle by the US government.
} (Actually, they think it's a new, incredibly toxic nerve gas, but
} I won't tell them if you won't.)  It was Lisa's idea, you see, to
} stop the overuse of ZOTs and, instead, torment foolish
} supplicants by sending them the Drooling Woodchuck curse.
}
} Symptoms of the Drooling Woodchuck curse are initially just a
} tendency to froth at the mouth at inopportune occasions, but as
} the disease progresses, you will become attracted to logs and
} other bits of trees.  You will find yourself crouching down and
} growing hair in strange places.  Eventually, you will become
} completely covered in thin beige hair, and you will be unable to
} help yourself from tearing up trees and throwing them over your
} shoulder.  You will become a scientific oddity, and the Ringling
} Bros. circus will be the only people willing to hire you.  For
} the rest of your miserable life, people will stare at you, poke
} you with sticks, and laugh out loud.
}
} Now don't you wish you hadn't asked that stupid Woodchuck question?


588-02    (c78d6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear most gracious Oracle, who understands that I need not grovel
> overly since I have been such a faithful supplicant in the past and I
> am in a rush, please riddle me this:
> Why is it that the highest ratings in the Usenet Oracularities
> invariably go to the least funny questions/answers and the ones that
> make me chuckle are rated lowest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, I am the E^H^H^Hgreat and powerfl^B^B^Bul Oracle, and I will
} attempt to answer^Z
} 1093
} fg
} your question! Sheeze, who am I kidding. I just moved into my
} dorm and I saw the posting on the commons cork board. When I
} showed up there was nobody here but some guy who saiD^Hd they
} were all off at a party and catching fruit from the naval of
} some girl named Lisa. Is she a freshman? Does she live in
} Beevis Hall? ^H^H^H I'm sorry mister, I've got problems of
} my own.
}
} I took the placement to get in and someone actually wrote on
} my answer sheet, "Kid, If you find a village without an idiot,
} you're set for life." I thin^H^H^Hk pranks like that are mean.
} But, since this is a state funded college and I live here, they
} have^B^B^BTO TAKE ME.
}
} Plus, by roomy, Biff, said he just discovered netnews and he
} thought it'd be funny^H^H^H^B^B to send a message to alt.serious
} that just said "Bite Me" so he did and somebody mailed a copy
} of /usr/dict/words to the campus computer and I have to go talk
} to some lady named Sissy Admin and I think a lot of people are
} really browned off, but it wasn't ME^B^B^B^Bit was Biff.
}
} Speaking of ^P^P^Ppranks, my roomate tried to be real funny at
} a dorm beer party by ^T^Ttaking (init: "taking" is not a macro)
} down his pants and lighting his stinkies. Only something went
} wrong and I think he blew up his anus. Someone said that stain
} on the wall was his colon, I don't know. They promised me if my
} roomate dies I'll get to pass all my classes this semester,
} automatically, but somebody else said that's bunny turds.
}
} So now I can't get a date because all the girls in my dorm think
} I'll try and blow up my anus, like by stupid roomate. If he doesn't
} die so I can pass all my classes, I'm going to be in a lot of
} trouble because I've never actually  thought of anything before.
} Plus, I just started a job where nobody's here and the screen
} keeps flashing questions and the keyboard is sticky and it smells
} of wine and I don't even know if I'll get paid and my face is all
} broken out so I won't need date money anyways.
}
} Sorry to dump on you mister^B^B^H^HI hope you find^H^H^HSomething
} funny pretty^C
} (init: your shell is enabled, log out if you're not supposed to be
} here) ^C^C^C
} (init: type exit to logout)
} ^B^B^B^H^J oh shutup! I hate this editor!
} (init: shutdown in +1 minute)
} NO CARRIER


588-03    (9gc45 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Agnes:  No! We mustn't...
> Milton: Oh Agnes, my sweet love, I cannot hold myself any longer.
> Agnes:  But Milton, you know my heart also burns with desire,
>         nevertheless we mustn't, lest my father finds out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Milton: I am engulfed with the desire, and lest my heart doth
}         explode, I am convinced that we can delay no longer...
} Agnes:  Oh Yes, YES, I give in to your firm insistance, let us throw
}         caution to the wind and take this bold step...
}
}         /user/agnes > mailx -s"tellme" oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}         Agnes:  No! We mustn't...
}         Milton: Oh Agnes, my sweet love...


588-04    (5eda4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear really terrific Oracle-type being,
>
> I am writing from seat 28C of United Airlines flight 1484 from Chicago
> to White Plains. (Aren't cellular modems wonderful?). There is a man
> standing at the front of the plane with what appears to be several
> sticks of dynamite. He is yelling something that sounds like "Allah
> Akhbar!" and waving the dynamite around. Can you give us a hand up
> here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, I'll give you a hand!
}
} Oracle: Hey, Achmed!
}
} Achmed: Allah Akhbar!  Aladdin's lamp!  One Thousand and One Arabian
} Knights!
}
} O: Achmed, see the person in seat 28C?
}
} A: The one with the laptop computer?
}
} O: Yes, Achmed.  Now, listen closely.  On the count of three, throw a
} stick of dynamite at them.
}
} A: Ah, Mighty Oracle, this will be an amusing...how you say,
} experience?
}
} O: That's right, Achmed.  Okay, now, 1... [get ready to catch it,
} supplicant!]... 2... [you'll only get one shot at this, so be
} ready!]... 3!
}  Throw at will, Achmed!
}
} A: Ach!  He has caught the dynamite!
}
} [NOW, SUPPLICANT!  RUSH HIM!]
}
} That's right...perfect...okay, now shove the blasted stick down
} Achmed's throat and push him out the door!
}
}                 ----
}                /  /     _
}               /  /     | |
}     __/---------------/  |
}    /______O___\  \______|
}                \  \
}                 ----
}
}              Allah forever!
}            /
}
}         \ o /
}           |
}          / \
}
} Good work, Agent Orange.  You will be given a medal of honor for your
} bravery.
}
} You owe the Oracle your cellular modem.


588-05    (6ee84 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fully Functional Oracle, please help your obt svt with this problem.
> I remember a poem, something about, "The Moon was a Landlord's
> Daughter."  There's a horse, too.  All in the dim corners of what used
> to be my mind.  Surely you are not dim.  Tell me more.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check my "Book of 1,001 Unusual Poems Which Include Horses"...
} ah, here it is:
}
} The moon was a landlords daughter;
} For three dimes and a penny he'd bought her.
} She'd come out at night
} And wash all in her light
} Much to the delight of her father.
}
} One night as she perched up on high
} She heard something, and looked from the sky;
} And what did she see
} But a horse whose whinny
} Had woken up all, far and nigh.
}
} The horse was disturbed, that was plain,
} And looked to be quite in pain.
} As it rolled on the ground
} All the people came round
} And looked at the horse with disdain.
}
} The moon watched the poor horse, quite sad
} For she knew that the people were mad.
} And quick as a flash
} They proceeded to bash
} The poor horse's head in; how bad!
}
} Yes, this is the quite mournful tale
} Of the moon whose power had failed
} To save the poor horse
} From a fate that was worse
} Than to forever be, with a wet noodle, flailed.
}
} There you are, fair supplicant.  I hope this has lit up the dim corners
} of your mind!
}
} You owe the Oracle "The Book of 1,001 Unusual Poems Which Include
} Duck-Billed Platypi."


588-06    (6ch83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Rush Limbaugh really the second coming of Allah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a little Confused, here, Supplicant.  Allah *spoke* to
} Mohammed-- Mohammed was a prophet, not an incarnation.  So Allah
} hasn't even had a *first* coming.
}
} We're still working on figuring out just what Rush Limbaugh is.  Hera
} says he's a reincarnation of Mussolini, but without the brainpower or
} charisma.  Aphrodite insists he's a Mi-Go.  Cthulhu disclaims all
} knowledge.  Coyote swears it's not him.  Kali isn't talking.  My money
} is on Set.
}
} I got the Norns to loosen up a bit (mead is your friend) and although
} they won't tell me *when* it'll happen, they have disclosed the manner
} of Limbaugh's death.  This is a family network, so I'll just give you
} five words: Navy, Vaseline, closed coffin funeral.


588-07    (7bi82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                Cohen, Cohen, Cohen and
>                                                 Cohen Attorneys at Law
>                                                 Commissioners for Oaths
>                                                  (threats issued)
>                                                 8/25/93
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> As per your request we have forwarded your demands to Mr. Kinzler and
> we await his reply. In the event of a positive response we will forward
> to you all monies owed, minus our fee.
>
> However in the event of a negative response we will require instruction
> as to how to operate the equipment you forwarded to us last week. Our
> staff have been quite distracted by the array of amusing and humorously
> shaped fittings and attachments which came with this equipment.
>
> I look forward to your reply.
>
> Your sincerely
> Eugene L. Cohen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you. This is good news indeed.
}
} Well, if Mr. Kinzler, as you so politely call him, does not respond
} in the positive, then the equipment works as follows.
}
}     1.  The big red round thing fits into the small yellow/green
} thing in the two slits on the top.
}
}     2.  Insert the two fuzzy things into the small blue clips on the
} aforementioned piece of equipment.
}
}     3.  The feathers go into the black thingamebobs.
}
}     4.  The watchamacallits fit into the little doovalackeys.
}
}     5.  Finally, insert Mr. Kinzler and turn on.
}
}     6.  Send me the pictures.
}
}     In anticipation of a negative response.
}
}     Yours sincerely
}     The Oracle.
}
}     PS.
}         Lisa says just to put him in anyway after he pays. HA! Sounds
} like a good idea!


588-08    (24cgc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   What's an easy way to give up smoking without killing a significant
> percentage of my friends and associates during the 'difficult' stages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid, Mr. Koresh, it's a little too late for that.


588-09    (28jb6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the word which is the NAME of the paragraph symbol, typically
> identified as a "reversed capital-P."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After due consideration the various divisions of Oracle Enterprises
} have produced the following answers.
}
} Typographical division:     an aleph-iso-P
}
} X-Fonts division:           Error 078: failure to assign font:
}                             -adobe-sillyWordPocessing-demi-r-normal-
}                             -36-24-36-007-p-69-iso8859-1
}
} Commmon Sense division:     Huh? Why the hell do you want to know that?
}
} Hacker division:            Have you tried looking in the jargon file?
}
} Computing Support division: RTFM. Anyway, it's fixed in the next
}                             release.
}
} Internal security division: Why do you want to know that?
}                             Where's your authorization?
}
} PR division:                Please Hold, Oracle Enterprises will be with
}                             you in a moment.
}
} Grovel division:            Hold still...... ZZZOT!
}
} Payment division:           You owe the Oracle a Corporate
}                             re-structuring.


588-10    (5aad8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why are humans so preoccupied with procreation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who says it is only humans?  Consider the following mating ritual,
} recorded from one of my other planets:
}
} It was a cold night on Spraticon-Five.  Spleeg Flumm wangled his florg
} around in a circle.  The night was making him shriddy, and he was ready
} for action.
}
} And there she was.  Spleeg instantly wrinkled his morf, thinking it
} made him look cool.  It worked.
}
} "Hey, baby," said she, "shall we we find a flibbite?"
}
} Spleeg plebbled.  This was going well.  "What's your name, honey?" he
} asked.
}
} "Fem!  Fem In-In!" she answered gaily.  She tossed three of her fackles
} back, and they reflected in the moonslight.
}
} The two maters joined glicks and walked off in search of their last
} part. And there fle was.  "Look at flim!" exclaimed Spleeg.  "Fle is
} *portrid*!"
}
} "Yeah, fle is!"  Fem hargled and mooeyed.  She quoomed and blurked.
} She thought this would grab flis attention, and she was right!  It did!
}
} The flibbite rockled up to them.  "Well, hey hey!  Aren't you a cute
} couple of medgies!"
}
} Fem and Spleeg purkied.  This was ideal.  They immediately put their
} fackles together and came up with a plan.
}
} Seventeen units later, Spleeg, Fem, and the Flibbite, Uhuhuhuh, were
} in Spleeg's dwelling.  Spleeg was already so shriddy that he got right
} down to business.
}
} "Uhuhuhuh!  Go over there!  Fem!  Take off your moooooo!" he ordered,
} with a crazed look in his ficks.
}
} Uhuhuhuh knew the routine.  Fle went over behind the sofa and started
} gyrating in place.  "OH, george HAR-rison!  OH, george HAR-rison!"
} fle screamed rhythmically.
}
} Fem ripped off her moooooo and started meckelling coyly.  "You *must*
} pay the rent!  I *can't* pay the rent!"
}
} Spleeg ripped off his mork, proudly exposing his above-average feen.
} It was perfectly flat and gleaming, and had more surface area than
} Fem had ever seen before!
}
} "OH!" exclaimed Fem, and she dove towards him.  Four of her fackles
} splatted against the feen before Spleeg grunted with satisfaction.
}
} "NOW, UHUHUHUH, NOW!" screamed Spleeg, as Fem started to turn black.
}
} Uhuhuhuh was all too ready to oblige.  "OH, george HAR-rison!" fle
} screamed one last time before fle leapt up into the air.  And then,
} all of a sudden, fle opened up like a mongoroose and enclosed the
} other two with his oopaloop!
}
} A look of ecstasy crossed Uhuhuhuh's fackles as the other two moved
} underneath flim.  "OH, george HAR-rison!" fle screamed repeatedly as
} the shapes moved beneath flis oopaloop.
}
} The screams beneath flim increased in volume and intensity until
} finally, Fem exploded in a shattering "I'LL PAY THE RENT!!!" and
} a brownish goo leaked out from under Uhuhuhuh.
}
} Uhuhuhuh retracted off of Fem and Spleeg, went over to the sofa, and
} sat down.  After a moment, Spleeg, weary and shaken, joined flim.  And
} finally, Fem reformed out of the brown goo, carrying a smaller creature
} in her glicks.  She went over to the sofa and shared her creation with
} the other two.  They all skooed and fayed repeatedly over the small
} creature. Then they ate it and smoked cigarettes.
}
} The End.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new carpet.


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