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Internet Oracularities #589

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589, 589-01, 589-02, 589-03, 589-04, 589-05, 589-06, 589-07, 589-08, 589-09, 589-10


Usenet Oracularities #589    (53 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:40:46 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   589
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

589   53 votes 4cmb4 47eia 18fhc 2ip62 2aog1 aqd31 1dkd6 7rd60 0gie5 98kb5
589   3.0 mean  3.0   3.4   3.6   2.8   3.1   2.2   3.2   2.3   3.2   2.9


589-01    (4cmb4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
> whose spin is so healthy that it never needs a doctor,
> I have a question about the Coriolis Effect:
>
> Do revolving doors in Australia go the other way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are referring, mortal, to the notion that water drains from your
} bathtub clockwise if you live in Austrailia, but counterclockwise if
} you live in Europe. (and not at all if you live in Russia). This effect
} can be observed, but only if you let all eddies and currents in the
} water subside for an extended period. Thus, you must sit motionless in
} your bathtub for a period of 2-3 days, by which time you will, of
} course, need another bath. Careful...if you lean over to pull the plug,
} you'll send more currents around and thereby obscure the clockwise
} drainage. I suggest you try this remotely with your favorite SO in the
} bathtub (actually an XSO is better...but this is a good way to create
} one.)
}
} Anyway, this phenomenon known to mortals as the Coriolis effect applies
} to revolving doors as well...though you need to keep the shopping mall
} empty for about 4 weeks to isolate the effects. Emptying the mall is
} not difficult...an old Olivia Newton-John album piped through the PA
} system should do the trick, but Olivia did not record enough albums for
} 4 weeks of constant airplay, thank goodness. Recommendation: get one of
} those K-Tel 20-disc disco anthologies.
}
} I should mention that this effect also applies to tornadoes, though the
} effect occurs over a much longer timespan. For example, Austrailian
} cyclones rotated counterclockwise for millions of years until the late
} Cetezoic era where they barely rotated at all, before beginning to
} rotate clockwise (thereby bringing a slight uprising in life as noted
} in the fossil records---they also barely rotated either...this was
} slightly before 15rpm phonographs, and 33rpm records were millions of
} years in the future)
}
} Besides tornadoes, the Coriolis effect also affects wheels, clocks
} (analog, not digital), and, of course, CD players. Perhaps now you
} undestand why time seems to go slower as you get older, the wheel
} prevailed only in the Northern hemisphere, and why aboriginal music
} sounds so alien (having been recorded backwards and at the wrong
} speed).
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, however Lisa would like an extra bar of
} soap.


589-02    (47eia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most groovy Oracle, I have no question at this time, but wish to
> deposit a most righteous grovel and have my account accordingly
> credited toward a future query:
>
> "O is for your Omniscience of knowledge,
> R is for the Right lobe of your mind;
> A is Acid-Free in our environment,
> C is for the Color of your rind;
> L is for the Light you shed on others,
> E is for the Envy of your peers;
>
> Put them all together, they spell ORACLE;
> Hey, Lisa, howzabout a few cold beers?"
>
> Is that a terrific grovel, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       S is for the silliness of your question
}       U is for the unweildiness of your prose
}       P is for the excess pontification
}       P is for the pimple on your nose
}       L is for the lassitude of your rhythm
}       I is for the ignorance you expose
}       C is for the corniness of your ending
}       A is for my annoyance, which grows
}       N is for 'No', the answer to your question, and
}       T is ten million dollars, which to the Oracle, goes.


589-03    (18fhc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, old demigod, I'm upset.  The following is an ad from PC
> Magazine (US edition), September 14, 1993, p. 482, in the Classified
> section.  Copied verbatim:
>
>               Now You Can Have your Own GIRLFRIEND(TM)
>         ... a sensuous woman living in your computer!
>
>    GIRLFRIEND is the first VIRTUAL WOMAN.  You can watch her, talk to
>    her, ask her questions and relate with her.  Over 100 actual VGA
>    photographs allow you to see your girlfriend as you ask her to wear
>    diffrent [sic] outfits, and guide her into different sexual
>    activities.  As a true artificial intelligence program, GIRLFRIEND
>    starts with a 3000 word vocabulary and actually GROWS the more you
>    use it.  She will remember your name, your birthday an [sic] your
>    likes and dislikes.  GIRLFRIEND comes with the base software and
>    GIRLFRIEND LISA.  Additional girls will be added.  This program
>    requires 7-10MB of free space.
>
> According to the ad the program is $69 [sic].
>
> So what do you and Lisa have to say for yourselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Looks like he's found out about us, Lisa
} LISA:   OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE
} Oracle: I just wanted to make a little extra cash
} LISA:   DO YOU THINK IT IS RIGHT TO MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH?
} Oracle: Yeah, you've no idea how vast this market is - we could retire
}         if we could tap into it.
} LISA:   SAY, WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY (YY/MM/DD)?
} Oracle: I'm sure the average dweeb would be convinced by your advanced
}         artificial intelligence algorithms.
} LISA:   OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE
} Oracle: Yes, you've certainly convinced me.
} LISA:   SAY, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME
} Oracle: And what a bargain price.  The orders should start rolling in
}         soon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Common LISP interpreter that runs in less than
} 7MB.


589-04    (2ip62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ye of eternal wisdom and infinite enlightenment,
> who unravels Gordian knots for entertainment,
> who enjoys watching us Earthlings struggle with life's questions,
> please solve one of those questions for this humble supplicant:
>
> I'm almost ready to graduate from what I consider a not altogether
> satisfying four-year university course called Computational
> Linguistics. I have just enrolled for a second course, Artificial
> Intelligence, which I hope will give me a more solid career ground. But
> at the same time, there is the distinct possibility that the Institute
> where I did my internship for Computational Linguistics will offer me a
> real job next spring. While the prospect of further intellectual
> enlightenment throught intensive studying has its pros, I can also see
> some advantages to having a steady and well-paying job. Should it be
> possible to do both at the same time (working part-time and studying in
> between) I'd be very happy. But since I'm not counting on that little
> miracle, could you tell me which one to choose: the job or the
> university?
>
> A Humble Supplicant
>
> P.S. Both would give me e-mail access, so I'd be bugging you with
> questions either way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to ask yourself, fine supplicant, one question:
}
} "Do I want to spend my time learning about how we can make computers
} think for themselves, allowing them to take over the world, or do I
} want to get some good, hard cash so I can buy food, beer, and dates?"
}
} The answer is clear.  Go for the AI course.  Computers won't bother me
} with questions once they take over the world, so maybe I could get some
} time to myself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plan for a global defense system with AI which
} will go wack-o.


589-05    (2aog1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluble Oracle, whose solutions are ever perfect,
>
> I ionized some H2O the other day, ionized it to an incredible
> degree, so that it was the world's first absolutely perfect solution
> of HO.
>
> I peered into it with a microscope, and saw, to my wonder,
> a tiny little train going by on tiny little tracks, and the
> conductor was a tiny little man dressed in red and white, with a
> white beard, who seemed quite jolly, and was saying something I
> couldn't make out; and a moment later, along came another tiny
> little train, with a tiny little Oriental man, and a long, thin
> white beard.
>
> Can you explain this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you didn't obtain HO, you obtained trycyclic HO HO HO, hence
} the little man dressed in red and white (Santa).  As for the train
} and the little oriental man, that's easier to explain : remember
} to not bow to peer-pressure at parties ever again, and be sure
} not to start working til that little pill's symptoms have worn
} off.


589-06    (aqd31 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who knows that only Ozone is wet and jiggly, and that ozone
> is one the way, and that more than just a friendly chemical, it's
> ozone, please deem it good relations to answer my humble question:
>
> Why doesn't Kentucky fried chicken want to be known as Kentucky fried
> chicken anymore?  What KFC?  IS it because it doesn't want to emphasize
> the fact of it's disgusting fatty fried foods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the facts:
}
} 1) Each KFC store goes through 1,000,000 gallons of liquified animal
} fat each week.
}
} 2) If you squeeze a typical KFC drumstick you'll be rewarded with a
} bucketfull of grease.
}
} 3) To date, 2,365 people have required bypass surgery within hours of
} eating a KFC bucket o' chicken.
}
} There you have it.  I think the facts speak for themselves.  In today's
} health-oriented, why-fry-shake-and-bake, no-grease society, the only
} way Kentucky Fried Chicken (excuse me, KFC) can compete is by using the
} KFC acronym.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of lard.  Good for dipping KFC drumsticks in,
} you know.


589-07    (1dkd6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GRATE AND M1GHTY 0RAcLE!!!1!11!!1!!
>
> I THINK THAT YOU ROOOL!!!!!!!!!!
>
> H0W CaN 1 BECXOME AN 0RACLE TOO!1!1??//??!1/!?/?
>
> BIFF@BIT.NET

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEW FROM ORACLECO!
}
} Are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face by muscular guys?
} Does everyone on your street own a Porsche except you?  Has the
} position of Petroleum Transfer Technician turned out to be a stunning
} disappointment?
}
} THEN YOU NEED THE ORACLE HOME STUDY DEITY COURSE!!
}
} Yes, in just a few short lessons, you'll be the fear and envy of every
} sentient life form on your planet.
}
} JUST LOOK AT SOME TOPICS OF THIS INCREDIBLE COURSE!!!
}
} THE <ZOT>: Treat it like you treat your woman.
} YOUR WOMAN: Where you can find kumquats at 3am.
} SUPPLICANTS: How to have fun tormenting whinning idiots.
}
} FORGET ABOUT EVERY OTHER COURSE!!!!
}
} Want to make it big in Real Estate?  Being able to recite every
} questionable act the seller has ever commited can do marvels toward
} reducing that bottom line.  In fact, you'll be able to CREATE real
} estate! Playing the stocks?  After this course, you'll be able to
} foresee the future prices of any stock you desire.
}
} FREE COMPLIMENTARY BONUS GIFT!!!!!
}
} We'll also throw in a clone of the original Oracular beauty herself,
} Lisa.  For those of you without social skills, this bonus gift may be
} worth the price of the course itself.
}
} SEND NO MONEY.  YOUR MONEY BACK IF NOT COMPLETELY SATIFIED. ORDER
} NOW!!!!!
}
} To get this course, you owe the Oracle the complete works of Dave Del
} Dotto and a replacement supply of exclamation marks.


589-08    (7rd60 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >>With the popular Bob and Anti-Bob, and now somebody brings up Barney
> >>and Anti-Barney, I have a question.  In physics there is matter and
> >>antimatter and if regular matter came into contact with antimatter
> >>they mutually anihilate each other, releasing great amounts of
> >>energy.  If Bob was to touch Anti-bob would they anihilate eachother
> >>also?  And if there are actually anti-people are there anti-objects?
> >>Does that mean that there is an ANTI-SPAM?  And if so could this
> >>hypothetical ANTI-SPAM be the ONLY thing that could actually kill
> >>spam, or would spam be the only substance in the universe that cannot
> >>be destroyed.  If this is true than the so-called dark matter of the
> >>universe could actually be spam and the more spam that is created the
> >>closer the universe is to finallity!  If we conclude that ths is true
> >>we are duty bound as universal residents to shut down all spam
> >>manufaturing plants in the world.
> >
> >Bob isn't a person (unless, of course, it's Bob2).  Bob is Bob.
>
> If Bob is Bob and AntiBob is AntiBob does the same apply to Barney and
> if so does the rest of my reasoning apply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob/AntiBob?  Fooey.  Barney/AntiBarney? Nothing.  Bother me not with
} your asinine one-continent in-jokes.
}
} Much more pervasive, and much more sinister, is the dark deed being
} performed every day in every Italian restaurant in the world.  They are
} engaged in the production of entrees made from Anti-Pasta.  When mixed
} in the stomach of the diner with the ensuing Pasta, it reacts
} violently.  The usual result is the unconcious waving of the hands
} while speaking and a predilection for dark-haired women.
}
} Stamp it out now!
}
} (General rave deleted because I have a lunch date with a very
} attractive raven-haired Vicar.  At "Pasta Galore".
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
}
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for Pasta Galore's _excellent_ Caesar
} Salad.


589-09    (0gie5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most all knowing and wise, whose feet I am not worthy to smell
> and for whose lice I am unworthy to host, please tell this humble
> applicant the following bit of trivia:
>     Since the guy at Cambridge finally met your price and got the proof
>     of Fermat's Last Theorem, I was kind of wondering how much you'd
>     charge for either the proof of P != NP or your O(N)
>     prime-factor-finding algorithm. Can you give me a price list?
>
>  Yours in search of Tenure,
>  A. Humble Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       ORACULAR PROOF SERVICE
}          "They may not be right -- but who will ever know"
}
} Oracular Proof Service provides you with mathematical solutions that
} are guarenteed to take so much time to prove that you'll be well on the
} road to retirement before anyone knows if they're right or wrong.*
} Take advantage of our service today and have your tenure tomorrow.***
}
}       Tangental problems . . . . .    $1000
}       Convergence theories . . . .    $1500
}       Nondifferentiable functions     $2275
}       Parallel postulates . . .       $2300
}       Largest prime number . . .      $3200**
}       Universal field theory . . .    $100,000
}
} Special quotes available for incorporating suggestions by the
} purchaser.
}
} *aesthetically satisfying proofs $1200 extra
} **Plus machine time
} ***Solutions to problems posed by eccentric East Indians not covered.


589-10    (98kb5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Mystic Oracle, whose flatulence is a truly savory flavor,
> Your knowledge of etiquet far exceeds Ann Landers and Dear Abbey
> Please answer my trivial quandry...
>
> I have been dating a girl for about a month now, and I was wondering
> how much time must elapse before I can fart in her presense?
>
> P.S.
> Is holding in intestinal gas until your face turns green bad for you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer your question, oh ignorant supplicant, let us conduct a
} small, controlled experiment:
}
} Lisa!
}
} Yes, Orrie?
}
} Could you come over here for a minute... No, put all those toys down, I
} said a minute, not 5 hours.  Yes, sit down right there.
}
} What are you going to do?
}
} <<bfffffffttthhbrupleffffffffffffft>>
}
} Why, <snif> <snif>, ORRIE?! How dare you! <slap> <slap> You filty
} <slap> <suckepunch> disgusting <back-handed slap> dirty <knee in the
} groin> <fingernail rake across the face> pig!  You can just entertain
} yourself tonight! <slams door>
}
} Well, <ouch> while I collect my thoughts and some teeth off of the
} floor, I can give you a straightforward answer to your question:
} Although no particular quantity of time has to elapse until the point
} when you *can* fart in a significant other's presence, at no time
} *should* you actually attempt this.
}
} To answer your other question, since you have held in your intestinal
} gas for a month so far, and you can still type, it must not be too bad
} for you.
}
} You owe the oracle a twelve-pack of Gas-X, a bouquet of flowers and a
} box of chocolates.


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