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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:49:40 GMT

Internet Oracularities #59

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59, 59-01, 59-02, 59-03, 59-04, 59-05, 59-06, 59-07, 59-08, 59-09, 59-10


Usenet Oracularities #59
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Nov 89 19:49:21 GMT

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59-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The nastiest thing I have even done to anyone was this:  when I was in
> fourth grade, one day I was playing with one of those red rubber balls
> during recess.  About thirty feet away across the playground I noticed
> this kid running.  Now, I didn't really have anything against him, but I
> thought ``what the hell''.  I dropped the ball and kicked it right at
> him!  I was really amazed, because the ball hit him square in the legs
> really hard, and WHAM he smashed face-first into the ground.  I'm sure
> it hurt a lot.  When he accused me of assaulting him and threatened to
> call the teacher, I lied and said that it was an accident, that I hadn't
> seen him.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Retain a fair civil liabilities lawyer and sue the teacher AND the
} teacher's union for negligence in supervisory care, and further, if you
} can, sue the builder of the playground for unsafe design.  Settle for
} whatever you can get.  The point is of course the mental anguish
} inflicted upon you in sympathetic suffering and in guilt-neurosis.


59-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, by the way, O Miraculous Oracle, regarding my last humble question
> to you:
>
> I have already realized the obvious answer to my question, and it is
> not the one that I want, so don't bother.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In that case, you want the less obvious answers, and these are
} (in numerological order)
}
} (a)  1066
} (b)  false
} (c)  Thomas Jefferson, all the rest are 19th century tractor
}      manufacturers
} (d)  The first crossing of the English Channel in a plastic bucket
} (e)  72.44
} (f)  (int *)sort_routine();
} (g)  Insert a cut at the end of the 2nd clause of sadistic_practice/3
} (h)  Broooklyn. The others are items of womens' underclothing
} (i)  The best result is attained with a viscosity less than 0.23 and
}      at a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius
} (j)  Yellow and blue
} (k)  Edinburgh
} (l)  F sharp major
} (m)  Captain Scarlet was in the conservatory so it must have been
}      Mrs. PLum
} (n)  Five times a week
} (o)  Profiteroles and custard


59-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Infinitely Wise and Benevolent Oracle,
>       whoes vast Mind spans the very Cosmos!
> O Miraculous Oracle,
>       whoes Knowledge knows no bounds!
> O most Oraculous One,
>       Incomprehensible to mere Mortal Man!
> O Enlightened Oracle,
>       Primal Seeker of Truth in all Things!
>
> Pray tell thy most humble and devoted disciple,
>       who Loves thou above all else!
>
> How art Bananas made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bananas wert made by Woody Allen on a shoestring budget with a lot of
} cameo appearances...


59-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You go question Mark.  The Oracle doesn't question people; It gives
} answers.


59-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way for me to excite my boyfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a matter of touching his erogenous zones.  In the typical human
} male, the whole body is an erogenous zone.  In fact, a ten-foot radius
} around him is an erogenous zone.  Enter this zone and he will be ready
} for intercourse.
}
} Of course, some zones are more erogenous than others.  The brain,
} accessed through the ear canal, is the most erogenous zone.  Gentle
} pressure modulation will stimulate this zone.  This can be accomplished
} with your vocal chords.  Say things like "I won't tell your parents" or
} "I can't get pregnant", and he will be near the point of orgasm.  "I
} want to marry you" will have the opposite effect.


59-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does a flea collar work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people believes that a flea collar somehow KILLS the fleas.  This
} is of course not true, it would be inhumane.
}
} What really happens is that the collar prevents the fleas from moving
} from the head to the body of the dog and vice versa.  Of course, this
} totally wrecks the extremely important trade route between the two
} parts.  This means that the head is cut off from its food supply from
} the agricultural regions further down.  As the head of course is the
} administrative centre, and when the other part tries to redeem this,
} they end up with only hairdressers and insurance agents.  Thus, the
} social and economical environment collapses, and the flea society dies.
}
} You owe the oracle all your fleas.


59-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will happen in East and West Germany as a result of opening up
> the Wall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In accordance with the laws of diffusion, East and West Germans will mix
} freely, exchanging beer and sauerkraut until they reach a state of
} Germodynamic equilibrium.
}
} You owe the Oracle a statistical mechanics text.


59-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since the oracle tells us the answers, is there an "opticle" which sees
> all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle always has difficulty answering questions which ask about the
} Oracle itself.  In such cases, the Oracle has discovered that the
} simplest way to answer these self-referential questions is to ask the
} Oracle.  Thus, the Oracle asked itself the following question:
}
} > If I were to ask the Oracle the following question, what would it
} > reply?
} > > Since the Oracle tells us the answers, is there an "opticle" which
} > > sees all?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Yes, he lives at the North Pole, and knows if you've been bad or good,
} } so be good for goodness sake.
}
} Since the Oracle doesn't quite understand this answer, it occurs to the
} Oracle that perhaps a better method of answering these self-referential
} questions needs to be devised.  We will consult the Oracle and get back
} to you.


59-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> could you give me a list of the deities you are familiar with?  it
> appears to me that you don't know many and just make up those talks you
> supposedly have with them.  for example, if you ever talked to vishnu,
> you would know that he is the preserver and not the destroyer (gotcha!).
>
> ciao

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen closely now, because I'm going to tell you a...(Look suspiciously
} to the right, now to the left, now over your shoulder.  You're alone,
} right?) ...SECRET.  If you tell this to ANYONE else, your eyelids will
} instantly be swapped with your testicles, and you will look VERY silly.
} (You will also have to unzip your pants to walk down the street.) So
} DON'T tell anybody.
}
} All these deities everybody talks about--Cthulu, Artemis, Blibdoolpoolp,
} Quetzalquatl, Jove, Emacs, etc.--they're all just ONE ~VERY~ busy deity
} who does amphetamines to deal with all the spiritual traffic in the
} universe.  (Similar to the way college students handle finals.) So, when
} I last talked to the Great One (named "Foo", by the way), sheit
} (she/he/it) was under the guise of Vishnu, but had just shot up, and
} temporarily forgot precisely what it was that Vishnu was supposed to DO.
} You may recall the SF Earthquake of '06?  Well, ol' Vish was doing the
} zoning board, and Destroyed where he should have Preserved.  SO, anyway,
} sheit being the Great God Foo and all, I believed hermit (her/him/it)
} when sheit said, "I am Vishnu the Destroyer!" and proceeded to destroy
} San Francisco.
}
} So don't blame ME.
}
} Oh, yes.  And I believe that answers your first question, too.
}
} You owe the oracle a tsunami in South Dakota.


59-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is the oracle such a success?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it provides a substitute for conversation with real people and
} an outlet for anonymous sexual fantasies.  Let me lick you just here...


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