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Internet Oracularities #590

Goto:
590, 590-01, 590-02, 590-03, 590-04, 590-05, 590-06, 590-07, 590-08, 590-09, 590-10


Usenet Oracularities #590    (51 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 10:08:34 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   590
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

590   51 votes 3fgf2 4hi93 3di98 3bgf6 4mh53 4mi43 3dcda 3dkd2 28ih6 5dm92
590   3.0 mean  3.0   2.8   3.1   3.2   2.6   2.6   3.3   3.0   3.3   2.8


590-01    (3fgf2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who writes everything in native mode,
>
> I have to use this awful software package from Boulder,
> Colorado, and even adjust its obfuscated source.
>
> I am very sad because Boulder is not in the Mississippi
> valley, nor near the San Andreas fault, nor in hurricane
> country, so I cannot fantasize a reasonable screnario for
> its utter destruction.
>
> Please tell me how I should imagine that Boulder will be
> destroyed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Associated Press)
}
} BOULDER, COLORADO
}
} Tragedy Strikes As Entire City Is Wiped Out
}
} Some say is was just a freak of nature. Others say that this terror was
} foretold in biblical scriptures. Nobody can say for sure what caused
} several million rabid woodchucks to descend on this not-quite-urban
} city north of Denver. Only one thing is certain; there is not a single
} survivor. Every single person in this entire city was killed, their
} necks covered with bites in the odd shape of the characters ":wq!".
}
} Police and epidemiologists refused to speculate on the significance
} of the odd bite marks.
}
} A source who asked not to be named has stated that the Indiana
} University system may be involved in some way, but would not give
} out further details.


590-02    (4hi93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one,
>
> Our president here in the U.S. has been acting rather strange of late.
> I am beginning to suspect that when he said "I did not inhale" he was
> referring to an oxygen deprivation problem. What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the phrase "I did not inhale" is a tradition that is long
} celebrated by heads of state in the United States.  Every head of state
} has paid homage to this tradition with the exception of the Emperor of
} the United States (yes, you did have an emperor during the early 20th
} century. Ask an american historian and they'll deny it, so look it up
} yourself.  Emperor Norton I ).  You see, ever since America's second
} president claimed to have skipped a silver dollar all the way across a
} tossing body of water, it's been considered good luck to have a common
} lie to be remembered by.
} Surely you respect your leaders more for such phrases as:
} "I am not a crook."
} "The war in Vietnam is about democracy"
} "Peanut Farmer"
} "I cannot recall"
} "No new taxes"
} "I did not inhale"
}
} You owe the Oracle one of the currency notes minted by Norton I.


590-03    (3di98 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, whose party gags are always funny, even if they involve
> lampshades, and whose pickup lines are always successful, even if they
> involve the zodiac, please enlighten your supplicant on the following:
>
> What is the best pickup line in history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best pickup line in history is, of course, FORD.
}
} You owe the Oracle one 1993 Ford F350 with all the extras.


590-04    (3bgf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, sweetest,
> Is it polite to boil people in oil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Department of Misdirected Mail
} Intended for Miss Manners.  Answered by Oracular Clerk #265.
}
} :Polite?  This mortal wants to know if it's POLITE to boil people in
} :oil?!  I'm sorry...  I've been working all day on napkin ettiquite and
} :salad fork placement, but this--  THIS question is the last straw!  I
} :don't need this kind of aggravation for four bucks an hour, I QUIT!!!
}
} Forwarded to Oracle Branch Office, Tibet, Office of Unanswerable
} Questions.  Answered by Oracular Clerk #172.
}
} :Ah.  Dear supplicant, the philosophers have been divided on this issue
} :for many centuries, and--  Wait a minute, this isn't an unponderable
} :unanswerable question!  This is another random routing from one of
} :those fed up clerks in the head office!  Every time there's something
} :a little bit too challenging, they toss it my way and expect me to
} :come up with some miraculous answer!  Well, two can play THAT game...
}
} Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Department of Woodchuck Control.
}
} ***AUTOMATIC RE-ROUTING***
}
} Forwarded to Oracle Branch Office, Upper Volga, Office of Supplicant
} Termination and *ZOT* Processing.  *ZOT* request processed by Oracular
} clerks #511 and #197.
}
} :Hold on!  Hold on!
}
} }What's wrong now, #511?
}
} :I think this one is misprocessed, have a look.
}
} }Hmmm...  Well, it's not much of a grovel...
}
} :It may be minimalist, but it still qualifies.  I don't see anything in
} :there about woodchucks, or the number 42, or how many roads a man must
} :walk down...
}
} }So what are you saying?
}
} :I think we should send this one up to the boss.  It would be a shame
} :to waste a perfectly good supplicant for a mail-routing error.
}
} }So do it, already.  We're got a whole batch of users to *ZOT* in
} }Cleveland, and I want to be out of here by five.
}
} Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Office of the
} President/Chairman/Chief Financial and Executive Officer.  Answered by
} the Usenet Oracle.
}
} I'd recommend sauteeing in wine sauce.  It's a lot healthier AND it
} tastes better.  In fact, Lisa's frying up a few Oracular Clerks as I
} write this!
}
} You owe the Oracle a side-dish of your choice.


590-05    (4mh53 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose O eclipses the underfunded supercollider in Texas,
> whose R marches broadly over the Empire State Building, whose A easily
> straddles the Andes, whose C circles Calcutta, whose L rests on the sea
> bottom and protrudes into the clouds, and whose E is kind of
> regular-sized:
>
> I was playing with this telephone the other day.  I made a call to
> myself and then put myself on hold.  If I answered the phone, which was
> then ringing, could I talk to myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *HOLD*
}
} *click*
}
} Apparently not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new phone.


590-06    (4mi43 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle;
> I need your assistance yet again.  I am  having problems using this new
> IBM main frame that my new school uses.  Personally I think it sucks
> the large one.  Anyway, I have been using qmodem and/or procomm to
> connect with my previous school
> Now these people want me to use yterm.  I don't like it.  The only
> problem I have encountered with using procomm here is that the + key
> does not do what it is suppose to.  It is supposed to clear the screen
> or get you out of certain situations.  Here it just appears as a +
> character
> Do you know how to redefine the plus key so it will have the correct
> effect?  Do you know what you have to redefine it too.
> thanks in advance b/c I know how knowledgeabel you are and how
> wiafter that.
> I don't know where that last line cane from, but how knowledgeable you
> are with this sort of thing.
> thanks,       Mark

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I know.  I know everything.  Next question.
}
} Oh, you mean you wanted me to tell you.  Well say so next time.  What do
} you think I am, omniscient or something?  Oh, that's right, I am.
} Hmmmmm..... Okay, here's what you do.  First get rid of that silly
} computer with the pre-written software.  Real users don't need that
} sort of thing.  Buy yourself an Altair or an Imsai or even an early
} SWTP machine with a front panel and about 2K of memory.  Pick up and
} re-condition a Teletype ASR-33.  Breadboard a 300 BPS modem out of
} parts you find in dumpsters behind the local telephone company.
} Connect and debug all hardware components.  Write a communication
} program on notebook paper and assemble it by hand.  Toggle it in
} through the front panel.  Now you may include and input and output
} filters you desire.
} However, I find the + key very useful.  It really messes up my
} programming style to type x = x - (-1) in order to increment.  I
} suggest you leave it alone and find some other key to pick on.
}
} You owe the oracle 32K of static RAM for an S-100 bus system.


590-07    (3dcda dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi super-de-duper Oracle!
>
> (cue music)
>
> I love you.
> You love me.
> We're a happy family.
> With a great big hug
> and a kiss from me to you,
> won't you say you love me too?
>
> Barney the Dinosaur

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Stay calm ... just STAY calm ... you have your dignity to uphold. *
}
} (cue slightly off-key music ... think of a wheezing carousel organ)
}
} Here's a
}               <<ZOT!!>>
} You purple sot!
} How I'd love to pour some hot
} Syrup down your pants
} And then cover you in ants.
} Sure!  I really love you ... NOT!
}
} <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>
}
} (Whoa ... Oracle, honey, turn down the juice!  Eeeeew ... what WAS that
} puddle of purple goo when you started?)
}
} (Hmmm? ... Oh, nothing, Lisa.  Say, how'd you like to go catch
} "Jurassic Park" at the AMC?)
}
} (Sounds great!  You know how much I LOVE dinosaurs ...)


590-08    (3dkd2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I do something that's going to take a bit of time, my
> Motif system displays a wristwatch.
> The hands are so small that I can't read it;
> is it 8:00 or is it 11:40?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Loading ... Please wait.


590-09    (28ih6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose spinal reflexes are more ponderous than
> my deepest thoughts, please tell me:
> Is there a fate worse than Bad Mayonnaise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa, here are the
}
}         Top Ten Fates Worse Than Bad Mayonnaise
}           (or anything else for that matter)
}
} 10. Attorney for Joey Buttafuoco
}  9. Forced to watch Barney videos on continuous playback
}  8. Love slave for Roseanne Arnold
}  7. Mets fan
}  6. Cage cleaner at Jurassic Park
}  5. W**dch*ck herder
}  4. Security guard on board the U.S.S. Enterprise
}  3. President of the United States
}  2. Microsoft code debugger
}
} and the Number 1 Fate Worse Than Bad Mayonnaise is:
}
}  1. Oracular Priest (heh heh)
}
} You owe the Oracle a ham on rye, hold the mayo.


590-10    (5dm92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Comparitively Literary Oracle!
>
> I just went to see "All's Well that Ends Well," and the title made me
> suspicious: Were Shakespeare's play really written by a woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You realize, supplicant, that I should <ZOT> you just for using the
} word "woodchuck" in your question.  However, you have presented the
} Oracle with an interesting tidbit of information.  Just a second...
} ---------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} $ ls
} Chicken_vs_Egg.tex        Origin_Universe.tex   Teleportation.tex
} FTL_Travel.tex            P_vs_NP.tex           UFOs.tex
} Fermats_Last_Theorm.tex   Psionics.tex          USForce_vs_IMObj.tex
} JFK_assassination.tex     sex/                  Unified_Field_Theory.tex
} $ pwd
} /u/oracle/archives/facts/sensitive
} $ cd ../../rumors/strange
} $ ls
} Bigfoot.txt               Flouride.txt          Illuminati.txt
} CIA.txt                   Hoffas_Body.txt       Shakespeare.txt
} Elvis.txt                 IRS.txt               UFOs.txt
} $ cat Shakespeare.txt
}
}                         Possible Writers of the Plays
}                            of William Shakespeare
}
} Sir Francis Bacon
} Emily Dickinson
} William Carlos Williams
} William Faulkner
} William F. Buckley
} Wil Wheaton, Wonder-Boy
} Brett Easton Ellis (in a non-depressed state)
} $ echo "A woodchuck" >> Shakespeare.txt
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Thank you for bringing this rumor to the Oracle's attention.
}
} You owe the Oracle an entry for /u/oracle/archives/facts/sensitive/sex
} that I don't already have.


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