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Internet Oracularities #592

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592, 592-01, 592-02, 592-03, 592-04, 592-05, 592-06, 592-07, 592-08, 592-09, 592-10


Usenet Oracularities #592    (49 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 07:02:17 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   592
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

592   49 votes 566jd 7gk60 69n92 39jg2 65edb 23ald 3cha7 1gjd0 4mc92 5ahf2
592   3.1 mean  3.6   2.5   2.8   3.1   3.4   3.8   3.1   2.9   2.7   3.0


592-01    (566jd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The sun shines fondly on Castle Oracle, whose
> battlements and turrets reflect its approval with smug
> self-satisfaction.
>
> Beach, the Oracle's butler, is setting up for high tea on
> the lush green lawn. Incidental tables, silver trays and
> teapots, crumpets and a certain 17th century silver cow creamer...
>
> Shortly, the Oracle emerges, and takes his seat and a
> crumpet. As he sips his tea, he gazes contentedly upon the
> peaceful scene, and enjoys the melodious chirping of the
> colorful birds.
>
> "Tea!" says the Oracle. "Tea, tea, tea! Capital!"
> And he adds, perhaps redundantly, "Tea!"
>
> Woodchuck, the Oracle's cat, jumps up into his lap, curls
> up, and purrs sonorously.
>
> All is well in Olympus, as serene and peaceful as indeed it
> always should be.
>
> Meanwhile, in a dark and sunless cave in Indiana,
> whose walls are encrusted with a scabrous infestation of
> obsolete printouts, Pongo Thistleton, a dork, and winless
> apprentice wizard, whose visage is encrusted with a scabrous
> infestation of face pizza, sits down at a battered old
> ADM-3, whose keyboard is encrusted with a scabrous
> infestation of old fingerprints, and prepares to type an
> incantation.
>
> Pongo types "mali Oarcle". A look of disappointment crosses
> his face. The incrustation of the keyboard grows thicker. On
> Olympus, the Oracle deeply inhales the floral perfume wafted
> by the gentle breeze.
>
> Many minutes later, Pongo has finally managed to get the
> invocation right. By this time, the Oracle has drifted off
> into a peaceful slumber, aided by a friendly cloud, who has
> interposed its body between the Oracle and the sun, and by the
> birds, who have muted their threnodies in order not to disturb
> the Oracular nap.
>
> "mail Oracle", types Pongo, and the Oracle is invoked.
> Rudely awakened from his blissful rest, he finds himself,
> not in the Land of Nod, nor even upon Olympus, but rather in
> a dank and funless cave, a claustrophobic closet too small
> for him to stand erect.
>
> This is no problem for a Being as powerful as the Oracle.
> He adjusts his volume to fit the room, and awaits the
> Question. The room is no longer as dark as it was, being
> graced by the Oracle's presence.
>
> Pongo looks up at the Oracle, blinking in the unaccustomed
> light, and breathes, "Wow!".
>
> The Oracle ponders deeply for a long nanosecond and decides
> this ejaculation might be an acceptable Grovel. He speaks:
>      ____         _____
>    /____/ \     /____ / \   /|      /
>  /|     \ /|  /|      \ /  | |    /
> | |______| | |/ \ _____    | |  /
> |/_______| |  \ /____ / \  | |/  \
> | |      | |          \ /| |/| \   \
> | |      | |  / \ _____|/  | |   \   \
> |/       |/   \ /_____/    |/      \ /
>
> Oops! CRT tubes blow out, and printouts flutter down from
> the walls. The Oracle, still a bit out of sorts after his
> sudden awakening, readjusts his volume to fit the room, and
> speaks again:
>                                      _
>   /\    |_           _       _      / \      _   _|_ .  _   _
>  /--\ S |\      \_/ (_) |_| |       \_\ |_| (= S  |_ | (_) | |
>                 _/
> The apprentice is filled with fear; he had not expected the
> Oracle to appear in person, nor had he realized how
> intimidating such a Presence might be. His intended Question
> vanishes from his mind: he feels blank and punless.
>
> Pongo stammers out a Question in desparation. He asks:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Why me?"
}
} The Oracle ponders for a moment, and says,
}
} "Why not?"
}
} Pongo thinks deeply, and protests with all the poetry and power hidden
} deeply within his soul. He takes a deep breath, and very purposefully
} says,  "Huh?"
}
} The Oracle is taken aback for a moment. Then, realizing that his
} answer was not understood, attempts to breathe life into the gray
} morass that is Pongo's brain.
}
} "Why should it not be you who lives off of Yoo-hoo and Pop-Tarts whilst
} others eat fresh lamb and caviar? Why should it be anyone other than
} Pongo who sits at home every weekend and wonders what women look like
} up close? Why should it not be your toes that fat women step upon in
} the movie theater, your knees that attempt to pass through short fences
} without your permission, your groin that gets smashed by a foul ball,
} your chest that is sunken and hairless, or your forehead that the
} seagulls relieve themselves upon?"
}
} Pongo ponders this for almost a minute before he realizes why this
} seems so wrong. Eloquently, he communicates his displeasure. "That's
} not fair!"
}
} The Oracle smiles slightly and asks, "Do you wish that these things
} would happen to somebody else?"
}
} Pongo smiles. At last, he thinks, some justice! The Oracle will put
} forth his great power and make me equal with everyone else. He will be
} fair. "Yes, wise Oracle. Yes, I wish these things happened to somebody
} else."
}
} The Oracle smiled a little wider. "Is that not a most foul thing to
} wish on somebody? That their chest sink and their head be fouled by
} seagulls? That their groins be assaulted by fast moving leather balls
} and their toes be smashed by Hilda the Mountain Woman? What kind of
} person would wish those things upon somebody else?"
}
} Pongo shrugged.
}
} "A very bad person, Pongo. A very very bad person. Somebody like that
} would deserve to have those things happen to them. So you see, Pongo,
} it's just justice that things happen to you. Why should they happen to
} anyone else, when you deserve it so much?"
}
} Pongo collapsed in a little pile of pitifitality.
}
} "Pongo?"
}
} "Yes, oh great wise one?"
}
} "You owe the Oracle a cup of warm tea and a twist of logic."


592-02    (7gk60 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia
> annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art,
> and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy
> supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived,
> and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar
> Query Answering Processor......
>
> Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question.
>
> What is life?
> This is a stupid thing to show gareth that this dumm thing works!
>
> Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one!
> I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where
> to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the
> table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you
> alone!
> Thank You Master.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What supplication!  What groveling!  What is your address, that I may
} come collect the many offerings you spoke of?
}
} I'm afraid the answer to your question may be quite a blow to your
} psyche (it always is, for mere mortals that ask about life.)
}
} Life, simply put, is that pithy little continuum between birth and
} death. That's it.  Rather depressing, huh?  Oh yeah, with some sex,
} drugs, and rock and roll thrown in, but then that's it.  Really.  Your
} best bet is to make it real slow up until you die, and then taper off.
} I'm not kidding. Really.
}
} Oh, stop it.  Wipe that look off of your face.  That doesn't mean the
} *partying* can't go on forever.  Yeesh.  Never confuse life with
} partying. The fridge can never be too full.  Stock up.  I may drop in
} (reinforce the floors).
}
} Oh, unless you were talking about that Milton Bradley board game
} thingy...
}
} You owe the Oracle a free spin and a trip to Millionare Acres, and that
} wife you promised.


592-03    (69n92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who can jump the highest mountain, swim the widest
> ocean, and all those other things that only happen in rock songs these
> days,
>
> Why did you not zot the merchandisers of B*r**y the Dino**ur?  Your
> failure in your omnipotence to wipe out such a threat to humanity (and
> Oracularity) has caused pain to millions.  Please explain your
> inactions.
>                       Yours annoyingly,
>                       One Angry Supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The Oracle has been anything but inactive in the matter.  I will
} relate to the tragic results of my attempts.
}
}     I tuned on my TV to the local PBS station, and sure enough,
} there was Paleolithic Purple staring me in the face.  I sharpened
} up my largest lightning bolt, preparing to hurl it using the strongest
} Oracular magic through the television set, to rid the world of this
} evil menace once and for all.
}
}     Just then, Jurassic Pork began to glow with the love and
} adoration of thousands of happy yuppie larvae all across TV land.
} The lightning bolt diffused itself in a purple shimmer of pure
} affection, and we all began to sing together, "I love you, you
} love me, we're a happy family..." and all seemed well.
}
}     It seems there is one force in the universe even the Mighty
} Oracle can not defeat.
}
}     You owe the oracle a stuffed plush purple dinosaur doll, plus
} two complimentary entrance passes to Jurassic Park.
}
}     P.S. -- Normally I'd fry you for insinuating that the Oracle
} would fail to attempt to rid the world of such a danger, but right
} now, I think it would be better if we all became friends.  Do you
} want to be my friend?  I want to be your friend...


592-04    (39jg2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh powerful and beautiful Oracle, whose every TCP/IP connection gives
> me more and more reason to believe...
>
> After having my computer for only 3 months, I find my personality to be
> somewhat disoriented.  I should never have started using a handle, let
> alone two of them.  But anyway, enuf of my fragmentation...
>
> I have met a girl on-line, exchanged pics (no I am not only into her
> mind) and now find myself lacking the proper social empathy to continue
> with a relationship that surely will fail.
>
> Her picture is okay, she seems to be stable, more so than me...but
> well... How does this work?  Are the consequences of real-live meetings
> worth it?
>
> Prostrated before my terminal, awaiting your generous, and <ZOT>-free
> reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How does this work?  Simple.
}
} 1     You and she meet on the net.  You find each other attracted
}       to your net personas.
}
} 2     You exchange pictures that might or might not be of you.
}
} 3     You meet in person to share a self-conscious yet flighty
}       dinner.
}
} 4     You do it again.
}
} 5     You start going out on dates (consisting chiefly of dinosaur
}       movies and Steven King novels-cum-cinema-effects).
}
} 6     After three dates, you get engaged.  Parents express
}       gratitude to deities that there really is "somebody for
}       everybody."
}
} 7     The Ceremony.
}
} 8     Ten to twelve years of watching Dr. Who reruns and reminiscing
}       about old RPG games.
}
} 9     Realization that you're both still total geeks.
}
} 10    Decision to remain together because you'd only look for love
}       on the net again and start the procedure at step 1.  Possibly
}       with each other, ironically.
}
} Is it worth it?  Depends on what you think of Time Lords.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sonic screwdriver.


592-05    (65edb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any sence of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor Supplicant.  Weeping so hard he can't even find the "s" key
} better than two tries out of three...
}
} Let's see... latex... lemurs... liberation... life, baboon... life,
} frog... life, human, point of.  Page 64018541295729.  <flip flip
} flip>.  Rats.  No consensus.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to
} summarize for you; one of these should be correct.
}
} BAPTISM, AS PRACTICED BY BLACKS: Not really, but paradise is coming.
} Let's sing.
}
} BAPTISM, AS PRACTICED BY WHITES: Not really.  Have you been saved?
} Are you sure?  Have you washed yourself in the blood of the Lamb?  How
} often?  Have you witnessed?  Are you ready for the Rapture?  Okay,
} time for Tammy to sing.  You all just shut up and listen.
}
} BUDDHISM, "HIGH" TRADITIONS: No.  It's all maya, so give the monks
} everything you own and go out begging.
}
} BUDDHISM, "LOW" TRADITIONS: Depends.  Go make a lot of money, keep
} most of it, and build temples with the rest; that'll get you a really
} cool rebirth.  Nirvana can wait.
}
} CATHOLICISM: Yes.  Make lots more Catholics and after you die, watch
} everybody else roast in Hell for eternity.
}
} CHURCH OF LATTER DAY SAINTS: Yes. Have lots of kids, adopt lots of
} kids, wear magic underclothing, and work your way up to God.
}
} CONFUCIANISM: Yes.  When you're old you can boss around your kids.
}
} EPISCOPALIAN: Yes.  Martinis.
}
} GNOSTICISM: Yes, but we can't tell you what it is.  God will, though.
}
} HINDU: Yes.  Make a lot of money and give it to the Brahmins and maybe
} someday you get to have sex in all the ways the temple statuary
} depicts.  (If you're a milkmaid, hang in there-- Krishna's coming
} back.)
}
} ISLAM, SHIITE AND SUNNI: Yes. Grease the infidels.
}
} ISLAM, SUFI: Yes. See Allah and enter Paradise.
}
} ISLAM, WESTERN APOLOGIST CONVERT: Yes, but only if you go ahead and
} ignore all the nasty bits of law you don't like, like polygamy, and
} forbidding women to drive, and drinking, and the pledge to throw the
} Jews in the sea...
}
} ISLAM, WESTERN EDUCATED ARAB: Yes, but only if you go ahead and ignore
} all the nasty bits of law you don't like, like drinking, and the
} pledge to throw the Jews in the sea...
}
} JEWISH: So why do you think there's no sense in life?
}
} JEWISH, QABBALIST: Yes, and with just a little more work on the
} Tetragrammaton, we can tell you what it is.
}
} KALI WORSHIPPER: Yes. Be a convenient villain for remarkably
} uncreative epics set in South Asia.
}
} TAOISM: The angst that can be comforted is not the true angst.
}
} TETRAGYNISM: Yes.  But you'll need two more ovaries to have a chance
} at it.
}
} UNITARIANISM: Yes. Any sense you find is a perfectly valid way to
} achieve salvation.
}
} ZOROASTRIANISM: No.  Your religion is dead.  Get a life.


592-06    (23ald dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and wonderful, please grant your lowly suplicant an
> answer to her question:
>
> Is there life after college, and if there is, how can I find it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Priest presses F6; "Generic Life After College response generated.">
}
} Your answer, oh humble supplicant, is covered by the following
} generalized response. Generalized responses are one of many ways that
} we at Oracle, Inc. deal with the high request volumes that we recieve
} every day. We assure you that this answer is in no way compromises the
} quality or accuracy that we are known for, and it carries the Oracle's
} 3P Guarantee: Precision, Profundity, Pay up within 7 days or be Zotted.
}
} GA#6: "Is there life after college?"
}
} It is not uncommon for college students to be worried by this question.
} The answer, while relatively easy, cannot be generalised for all fields
} of study. If you find that your major is not covered by the following
} list, simply send a second request to the Oracle
} (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) detailing your major, and we will send a second
} response, free of charge.
}
} Majors:
}
} Anthropology: Get your doctorate and maybe, just maybe you'll manage
} tenure at some tiny college in the far future. At any rate, your life
} will be dependent on college forever, unless you manage to get work in
} field studies. In that (rare) case, you will still be dependent on
} college for your life, but at least you will be very far away from
} college.
}
} Archaeology: See above, except that your field work will be in either
} Montana or Alberta, the only places with less interesting night life
} than a primitive village.
}
} Astrology: You have been duped by a fake mail-order "university." Sue
} now, and don't worry: your life will never have anything to do with
} college!
}
} Astronomy: Figure out where the major telescopes are and who runs them.
} You already know that you have no life unless NASA starts hiring again.
}
} Astrophysics: Unless you are a tall blonde female who looks like Kelly
} McGillis, with a Ph.D and an interest in naval aviators who look like
} Tom Cruise, you are dead.
}
} Biology: Yes, there is life after college, but it will involve one of
} four scenarios: working with disgusting living organisms with
} profitable properties, working with living organisms that would be
} disgusting if they weren't so ridiculously tiny, working with
} disgusting organisms in your capacity as a high school teacher, or
} working with DNA/RNA/PCR. If the latter is the case, you will also be
} rich.
}
} Botany: You should have been a biologist. At least then you would have
} had a one in four chance.
}
} Business Administration: You will eat well and live better until the
} SEC catches up with you. Relax and enjoy!
}
} Chemistry: Like biology, but your choices are dangerous rather than
} disgusting, and your chances for a life after college are reduced by
} your chances of blowing yourself (and various classmates) through a
} wall in an ill-fated lab experiment.
}
} Computer Science: Your life after college will be one spent largely in
} a windowless room creating applications software. Don't worry: you will
} be perfectly happy with your new life, although others (including
} dropout programmers) may use you as evidence of the subjectivity of a
} good life.
}
} Cosmology: Look to Carl Sagan. He is the one Cosmologist with a life
} after college. Until he dies, your chances of a life after college are
} zero.
}
} Education: You are going to become a school teacher. You will think you
} have a life after college, but your definition of a life is rather
} unambitious.
}
} Engineering: You will go on to a good career after college, but the
} highlight of your life will forever be the day in your sophmore year
} when you and your buddies built a potato cannon and blew three upstairs
} windows out of the Delts' frat house.
}
} English: Once in a decade, a writer comes along who really shakes up
} the literary establishment. Most of them have no formal training in
} writing novels. Sorry, but you'd be best off editing phone books and
} hoping for an early retirement.
}
} Geography: Count yourself lucky if you can manage to get work as a
} teacher.
}
} Geology: Bummer. Bet you never thought that 100-level "Rocks for
} Jocks" course would lead you to your current path, Hm? As you already
} know unless you are deluded, your best hope for a life now is to have
} an interesting hobby.
}
} History: Prospects uncertain, but grim at best. You are pretty much
} stuck with trying to do some graduate studies in the forlorn hope of
} someday being hired to do a job that you have never been trained for.
}
} Kinesiology: You will become a professional athlete if you are good,
} but barring that slim chance, you will become a PE teacher. That is not
} a life. Take up golf and get a job in a pro shop.
}
} Law: You will be haunted by lawyer jokes throughout your life, and
} rightly so.
}
} Mathematics: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!
} OHOHOHOHHOHOHHHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! You math dudes just crack me up.
} No life possible, unless you can make use of your Comp. Sci. minor.
}
} Meteorology: If you are lucky and have a good TV face, ("Q-factor") you
} may enjoy the exalted position of evening news weathercomedian. Pray
} for this, as the other alternatives are too depressing to contemplate.
}
} Medicine: You will be rich and envied. More likely, though, you will
} drop out and take History.
}
} Philosophy: You already know that your life is going to revolve around
} tenure until your dying day, but it gets worse: when you explain at
} cocktail parties that you studied Esthetics, people will translate this
} to "interior decorator."
}
} Physics: Your life will not revolve around a campus, as you will find
} gainful employment (i.e. a life) in the private sector, but you will
} forever be envious of your comrades who never found a life outside of
} the University and who now get to play with really cool Big Science
} equipment like particle accelerators.
}
} Theology: God help you! (But don't worry, he will.)
}
} Zoology: Your opportunities also include working at a zoo, but you see
} yourself as above such things (not to mention in moral opposition to
} them). As for the rest, see botany, above.
}
} You owe the Oracle(LL.D, Ph.D, B.Sc, M.A., PEng) 15 undergraduate
} credits and a list of the ten best party universities on the planet.


592-07    (3cha7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  \begin {grovel}
>  Oh high and mighty Oracle,
>  So quite phantasmagorical,
>  Oh please please please please please
>  I beg thee on my knees,
>  \end{grovel}
>
>  \begin{question}
>  As I near the end of life as a student, I find myself working on
>  my Ph.D.  thesis using a very appropriate ''document preparation
>  system''. However, in spite of all its advantages, \LaTeX\ can be
>  painful from time to time. In my case, I want to make a certain
>  symbol but I don't know how. The symbol I mean is very much like
>  the square bracket ('['), but it has a double vertical bar instead
>  of a single one. Leslie Lamport remains silent where this symbol
>  is concerned, so could you please please tell me how to make this
>  symbol in \LaTeX\ (and its right hand partner)? My graduation
>  depends upon it.
>
>  A Desperate Supplicant, carefully wiping the dust from your shoes.
>  \end{question}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} \begin{Oracular}
} \begin{answer}
}
} O foolish student, you ask about vertical bars..
} dost thou not know that the only good bars are
} those where thou dost come out horizontal, PI eyed
} spaced out and legless like the humble apostrophe.
} Drink thereof at the font of knowledge (12pt strong)
} and thou shalt go ZapfDingbats and believe.
} In the world where the pen is mightier than the sword,
} writers who live by LaTeX die by LaTeX.
}
} There is a story from the old time, which tells of how a scribe by
} the name of Lamport  descended into the stygian pits of one such
} drinking pit with his friend Doble Elbrak Wisely wishing not  to
} get lost in the labyrinth of \subsection{old quarter of the city},
} they marked his initials on each street corner \ref{LL}.
}
} When he emerged alone, the air reminded him that he had imbibed
} too fully, the world swam and he kneeled, clenching the roadside,
} all the time crying "get a ladder quick!" Looking to the street
} corner he sought his mark, but to his weary and reddened eyes his
} initials blurred and doubled [[[[[[[[[[[[ and coalesced, reminding
} him of his friend.
}
} \begin{verbatim}Elbrak he shrieked Ellllbraaak!\end{verbatim}...
} but unless he spake in the language of the brothers of Dn-Al-Knuth,
} none could understand him, so he summoned his strength and with
} one final effort he cried
}
}  \lbrack\!\lbrack
}
} and all was well.
}
} \end{answer}
} \end{Oracular}


592-08    (1gjd0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise and gracious and all-knowing and omniscient and incredibly
> neato Oracle,
>
> now that Yassir Arafat and the Israeli Prime Minister have signed a
> peace treaty, what the heck is going to happen to the Middle-East?
>
>   Humbly anticipating,
>   - Suppl?  I can't.  (remove all punctuation and spaces...  sigh...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there was something mentioned at the last meeting of the OAW
} (Omnipotent Association of the Worlds) meeting about hell freezing
} over, but I just thought that was Thor being grandiose again.
} Apparently not.
}
} Here's a list of other things you can expect to happen:
}
} 1> Bill Clinton will admit that he did, in fact, inhale.
} 2> The Chicago river will run the way it was intended to by nature.
} 3> It will be revealed that H. Ross Perot is actually the gnome from
}    the story "3 billy-goats gruff".
} 4> Oliver North and Tip O'Neil will run on a split-party ballot for
}    Presidant - and win.
} 5> It will be revealed that the Royal family of Britain and the
}    Kennedies are actually the same people.
} 6> The mayor of Los Angeles will announce that all vacant lots will be
}    used for farming purposes.
}
} Other than that, things will be pretty much normal.  Oh, and they'll be
} shooting each other again in a week or two, anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Rosh Hoshanna prayer, written in
} Arabic.


592-09    (4mc92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose picnics are never spoiled by rain or ants, whose car
> stereo never gets stolen, whose grass does not grow so he need not cut
> it, whose pets never run away from home, and whose porridge is never
> too hot and never too cold,
>
> Why are my picnics always being spoiled by rain and ants, my car
> stereos always being stolen, my grass always growing, my pets always
> running away from home, and my porridge always being either too hot or
> too cold?  How can I be more like you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most humble and penitant petitioner (what a mighty fine suck-up that
} was!)
}
} Your questions, unlike most of the petty, insignificant drabble foisted
} on me by witless twads with terminals and too much time on their hands,
} I find most interesting. Your most excellent cheese-eating will not go
} unrewarded.
}
} It pains me to say, however, that your first question needn't have been
} asked. You are on the path to wisdom, and already know the answer
} yourself. Syllogism (a greek work meaning 'something stuck in your
} throat') is rampant in your verbiage, and from this I can see that you
} understand, beneath your eyes blinded by the injustices of the mortal
} world, deep down you *know* that the reason your picnics are spoiled by
} rain and ants, your car stereos stolen, your grass growing, your pets
} abanoning your dreadful earthbound existance like Kafka from a Roach
} Motel, and your porridge not adequately climatcontrolled is simply
} because you have not yet achieved the enlightenment that gives me
} freedom from these things.
}
} But as to how you can be more like me? ...well- that's a price not many
} mere mortals are willing to pay. You could sit under a tree by a river
} somewhere until it just comes to you, but understand that you have to
} be overweight to try this as you could be waiting for quite some
} time...
} ...or you could wander the MidEast telling people to just love each
} other until some wacky Jews nail you to a tree, but that's not much fun
} either. My personal favorite way to achieve enlightenment is do drink
} to the outer limits of excess, overdose on a bizarre combination of
} drugs and jelly doughnuts, and then have a myocardial infarction on a
} toilet, but that's an individual bias of mine, on account of the fact
} that I enjoy the mean games of chess I've been having with Elvis for
} the last ten years...
}
} You owe the Oracle the original broadway cast recording of "Chess", a
} black velvet Elvis painting, a Blaupunkt, and an ant farm.


592-10    (5ahf2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle... Whose wisdom exceeds that of the Ages...  Whose IQ
> is greater than the number of stars in the heavens...  Whose Oracle
> RDBMS never returns any errors.  Your humble supplicant asks this
> trivial question.
>
> Why do cars with open doors try to confuse people by telling them that
> their door is actually "a jar"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it's a jar.  All cars have mutable components.  That's why
} they can turn into a street.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jar of Guava jelly. (Oh, and some peanut butter
} too.)


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