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Internet Oracularities #593

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593, 593-01, 593-02, 593-03, 593-04, 593-05, 593-06, 593-07, 593-08, 593-09, 593-10


Usenet Oracularities #593    (46 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:33:52 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

593   46 votes 7baf3 5cgc1 4aed5 68gb5 b8f66 16fcc 6cf85 9dca2 58id2 448ge
593   3.0 mean  2.9   2.8   3.1   3.0   2.7   3.6   2.9   2.6   3.0   3.7


593-01    (7baf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, our dilemma: can humans understand complete knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Humans gain an understanding of complete knowledge in May
} 2448, when Herr Doctor Doctor Professor Schvanstucker-Wang publishes
} the Unified Frail theory, demonstrating that the following are all
} manifestations of a single force: the electroweak force, the strong
} nuclear force, gravity, "car suck", and the "Geek-Bimbo" force (the
} force that sends straight male computer swine staggering towards
} attractive women.)
}
} Unfortunately, Herr Dr. Dr. Prof. Schvanstucker-Wang demonstrates his
} theory by directly transforming electrical energy to Geek-Bimbo
} energy.  There is a power surge, a fuse fails to blow, and the
} resulting potential difference depopulates the computer centers of the
} world.  The phone system collapses, Wall Street panics, and three
} weeks later humanity crawls out of the wreckage and tries to remember
} how that fire thing went again.
}
} Sure, humans can understand complete knowledge.  It's just that the
} first thing you lot do with anything new is find a novel way to make
} asses of yourselves...


593-02    (5cgc1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you wizard of the fiber pathways, who knows which cellular
> telephone companies will still be around 5 years from now,
>
> The other day, someone called me and said, "Please hold."  I was so
> busy fuming for the next five minutes that I didn't think of anything
> witty to say when they came back on.
>
> What should I have said?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We're sorry.  All of the Oracle's lines are busy.  Your question will
} be answered in the order it was recieved.  Thank you for asking the
} Oracle.


593-03    (4aed5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /*
>     question.c
>     supplicant@vt220.slowvax.concrete.ac.uk
>     16/9/1993
> */
>
> #include <stdio.h>
> #define GROVEL          "/usr/people/supplicant/.grovel"
> #define FAIL            -1
> #define SUCCESS         0
>
> int     grovel(void);
> void    question(void);
>
> int    grovel(void)
> {
>     FILE    *fp;
>     char    text[256];
>
>     if ( ( fp = fopen(GROVEL, "r") ) == NULL )
>         return FAIL;
>
>     do
>     {
>         printf("%s", text);
>         fgets(text, 256, fp);
>     }
>     while ( ! feof(fp) );
>
>     fclose(fp);
>
>     return SUCCESS;
> }
>
> void   question(void)
> {
>     printf("\nI find that after a day working on my C programming\n");
>     printf("project I am unable to readjust to normal life.\n");
>     printf("\nPlease tell me.... is there hope for me or am I\n");
>     printf("doomed to an eternity of staring disconcertingly at\n");
>     printf("people because my eyes haven't recovered from four hours\n);
>     printf("in front of a vt220?\n");
>     printf("\nPlease answer soon as I had a dream which stack-\n");
>     printf("dumped last week, and it's really beginning to worry me.\n);
>     printf("Also, I keep trying to run lint on my friends'\n");
>     printf("conversations, and attempted to recompile the cat\n);
>     printf("yesterday, only I couldn't find the sourcecode anywhere,\n);
>     printf("even using archie.\n");
>     printf("\nThankyou,\n");
>     printf("\n\tsupplicant@vt220.slowvax.concrete.ac.uk\n\n");
> }
>
> int     main(int argc, char *argv[])
> {
>     int     avoidzot;
>
>     if ( ( avoidzot = grovel() ) == FAIL )
>     {
>         fprintf(stderr, "question: grovel() failed.\n");
>         fprintf(stderr, "exiting now to avoid oracular wrath.\n");
>         exit(FAIL);
>     }
>
>     question();

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmph... Despite your presumption in assuming to know the file
} structure of the Oracle (not to mention trying to weasel your way out
} of a grovel), I will, in my usual extremely good-natured fashion help
} you out (you're just lucky the Oracle knows neuro-linguistic
} programming).
}
}       Move your head closer to the screen.  Closer.  Closer.  Stop.
} Good.  Now - repeat this mnemonic out loud twenty three times,
} increasing in speed with each pass (I suggest you start off slow), then
} look down at the line following the mnemonic.
}
}       OOH  WAA  TAA  GEE  KII  AAM
}
}       exit(0);
}
}       There, that should slap you out of that loop you'd caught
} yourself in quite nicely...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Question to Answer function library, and a
} .grovel...


593-04    (68gb5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle please tell me the answer to the question i pose
>
> Who *really* put the 'shang' in the 'shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look copper, I wuzn't anywhere near the place. Now I told 'ya, I can't
} tell you where I wuz coz I'z wid me mate's missus. It's true 'guv.
} Look, I knows I gotta bit of a record, but I'z been straight as a
} whistle since I last got out. Honest guv! Keeping me nose clean, ya
} know what I mean. No, I ain't done the 'shang' job, I wuz over in
} France at the time. Yeah I knows I said about me mate's misses, but it
} wuz a French missus, quick trip over 'ta continent for a bit of
} wha-hey! ya know what I mean. Nope, I ain't ever heard of this
} 'shang-a-lang' thing before ya mentioned it like. Look man I pays ya
} salary through me taxes and I'z got some business 'ta attend to, ya
} know what I mean.  So if ya finished w' the questions I'd like outta
} here sharpish like. Look, I tolds ya already, I wuz over in Ireland wid
} me mate's daughter, get meself in trouble if dat one gets out. France,
} then Ireland, like I says right. How am I supposed 'ta know how dat
} damn rhymin' dictionary gots into my pocket. I wuz carrying it forra
} friend, just being nice and friendly like. Look copper, 'tain't against
} the law to carry a lousy rhymin' dictionary like is it? 'tain't a
} police state yet is it?.............
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of the floor plan of the Bank of Scotland and
} a fast motor.


593-05    (b8f66 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, as subtle as the creeping mists at night, as bright as the
> desert sun at noon, please help me find out how much time I have
> to fix a little mistake...
>
> I work for a logistics service company in the twenty-third century.
> I have made a slight mix up in some orders, tho, and sent a crate
> of one hundred tri-corders to a temporal distortion research lab
> on Earth and one hundred Ziggys to some starship called "Enterprise".
> My coworker says it won't make any difference, since they both
> seem to be able to detect things that the designers haven't actually
> encountered, and both are designed to malfunction whenever things get
> chancy.  But if my boss finds out, he'll feed me to the Ferengi for
> sure.  My question is, how and when will the mistake be noticed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's funny, I just had a similar question from:
}
}               scotty@enterprise.where.no.man.has.gone.before
}
} Mortal, you are very lucky. It just so happens that you transported the
} one hundred tri-corders to the same time period where the crew of the
} Starship Enterprise are presently fiddling around with the events that
} were shown in Star Trek IV. At this very moment Spock is
} Vulcan-Mind-Melding a noisy punk on a bus and Bones is speaking into
} the mouse of a Macintosh.
}
} At the same moment, Security Chief Morton, a character in Star Trek who
} up to now has had very bad luck on the Star Trek cutting room floor
} after disappearing with Gene Roddenberry's wife for an hour during the
} very first episode, is walking through the very same research lab. He
} notices the tri-corders and transports them back to the Enterprise. The
} integrity of space/time is saved. Until next week when it'll be in
} danger again of course.
}
} As for the Ziggys on The Enterprise. Everyone is looking at them and
} saying "how quaint". Even the whales, though that sounds more like
} SQEEEUUUUUOOOOKKKK UUUOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNAAAAAAA.
}
} My omni-vision predicts that Captin Kirk will give the Ziggys to some
} high energy non-corporal beings who are threatening the integrity of
} space/time and claim that the Ziggys are vital to the preservation of
} their race. But actually they'll use them for disgusting non-corporal
} mastabatorial acts.
}
} You owe the Oracle 48,417,562 cubic metres of Tribble food.


593-06    (16fcc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, whose knowledge is greater than my debt, please tell
> me, does Heaven have a beurocracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. There's Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, 3 sub-St Peters,
} 12 assistant St Peters, 45 secretaries for the assistant St Peters,
} 112 assistants for the secretaries for the assistant St Peters, 1024
} 'clerical assistants', 35 janitors, a tea-person, a partridge in a
} pear tree, 3 botanists, and 15 aviary attentdants.
}
} It is a little known fact that the censored parts of the Dead Sea
} Scrolls were none other than fill in the blanks in block capitals in
} black ink.  I can now reveal the content of one of these forms.
}
} [Start of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1]
}
} Name: ___________                     Age: ____________________
} Sex: ____________                     Cause of Death: _________
}
}                       Questionaire
}
} 1: Did you tidy your room when your parents asked you to?     Yes/No
} 2: Did you ever play hookey from school?                      Yes/No
} 3: Have you ever bullied a classmate?                         Yes/No
} 4: Have you ever coveted your neighbour's wife?               Yes/No
} 5: Have you ever posted a woodchuck question to The Oracle?   Yes/No
}       :                                       :
}       :                                       :
} 5000: Did you ever misrepresent the black stuff under your fingernails
}       as something not absolutely disgusting, but coal dust?  Yes/No
}
}                       Interpreting Your Results
}
} Count one point for every no answer, except for questions 1, 22,
} 55, 223, ......, 4998, where you should count one point for every
} yes answer.
}
} 0 - 99. You are a lowdown stinking rat. Go straight to hell and suffer
} throughout eternity in the never-ending flames.
}
} 100 - 999. Not as bad as possible. You still go to hell but we'll
} give you this underarm deoderant to make things a bit more pleasant.
}
} 1000 - 1999. On the bad side, so you still go to hell. However, as you
} were only slightly bad we'll make things even more pleasant for you.
} You may have underarm deoderant AND a packet of PK chewing gum.
}
} 2000 - 2999. Your case will be seen by your local assistant to
} the secretary for the assistant St Peter. Join one of these five
} million mile long queues each for a different letter of the alphabet.
} We regret that we do not have the resources to identify which of the
} queues is which at this distance from the offices.
}
} 3000 - 3999. You are a good person, who has occasionally given in to
} temptation.  As it wouldn't be fair to give you all the priviledges
} of the truly saintly, you will receive an out-of-tune harp, and your
} wings will be missing a few feathers.
}
} 4000-4899. An excellent, and probably very long life on earth.
} You shall receive a magnificent harp, astounding wings, and a cloud
} in the better parts of the atomosphere, well away from the Ozone hole.
}
} 4900-4999. You will become creators on other planets. Please join
} the queue over there. Yes, two people do make a queue.
}
} 5000. Perfect. You have done nothing wrong ever. As your reward you
} shall be constantly escourted by extremely attractive young members
} of the opposite sex, who will proffer all kinds of drugs and other
} trendy chemical amusement aids, you will walk through cities built
} on for you to loot, and only the best cars, best houses, and best
} wine will be good enough for you. We acknowledge that you may not
} have the knowledge to make use of any of these gifts, but we plan to
} have a retroactive training instute operational within the millenia.
}
} [End of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1]
}
} Due to the overhead in handling all this paperwork, a small 'service
} fee' has been introduced. Unfortunately, very few people arriving
} at Heaven have any cash on them due to persistant propaganda that
} 'you can't take it with you'.  This has resulted in an unruly crowd
} waiting outside the Pearly Gates, in the (usually) vain hope that
} some descendant will bring a credit card with them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small service charge of 5000 pounds for this
} consultation.


593-07    (6cf85 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .... is it a period or a full-stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O foolish mortal,
}
} .... is not a period, nor is
} it a full stop. As any schoolboy
} could tell you, this is
} quantum punctuation formed by singularities
} on the paper. Matter is composed
} almost entirely of space and grammar is no
} exception. Spaces do not exist in continuous form,
} they are discrete and quantized. The unit, the
} Bloton, is similar to the phonon, except that it can
} exhibit fluid properties, being strongly absorbed
} by paper molecules. Clean white shirts induce a strong
} chain reaction with the Bloton, causing it to leave its
} protective container and combine with the cotton.
} A furious display of energy usually accompanies this
} reaction.
}
} An infinite number of Schroedingers cats were able
} to pen a treatise on the complete works of
} Shakespeare. Unfortunately, this work was published
} posthumously.
}
} The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle strongly
} affects the Bloton. It was, until the
} late 21st Century, wrongly assumed to be
} a form of dyslexia. The laws of reason do not
} apply at these singularities - particularly so
} on goverment documents. Here, space/time is not
} so much curved, as completely bent.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Newtonian
} Junior Wax Colouring Crayons.


593-08    (9dca2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy Mister Oracle!
>
> I hope you are having a mighty fine day up there in good 'ol Indiana.
> Well, I have a question to pose to you mister, and it goes like this:
>
> As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives.  Each wife
> had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats, and each cat had seven
> rats.
>
> Cats, sacks, wives, rats, how many were going to St. Ives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT THEE for addressing me as an equal!! You're inability to answer
} such a rudimentary question proves your inferiority.  Know that the
} awesome power of the Oracle can not be contained within the borders of
} a state as small as Indiana.  Know that the Oracle is powerful enough
} to refer to himself in the THIRD PERSON!!!  Nevertheless (as opposed to
} neverthemore), the Oracle takes pity upon your mere mortal flesh, and
} will answer your question.
}
} Including yourself, the man with the healthy love life and an
} INCREDIBLE amount of patience, the wives with an affinity for satchels,
} the satchels with contain very full and satisfied felines, 2402
} travelled with you to St. Ives.
}
} Of course, that does not include the 62,451 bikers that came for the
} St. Ives Harley Festival.
}
} Incidentally, that annoying kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica
} commercials was in St. Ives, but he wasn't doing any better there than
} he does here.
}
} You owe the Oracle at least 2 lines of grovelling, a rat, a cat, a
} sack, a wife, and a glazed doughnut, to go.


593-09    (58id2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OhGreatAndMightyOracle,WhosePhlegmIAmUnworthyToContemplate,WhoseSpit
> IAmUnworthyToSnortUpMyNose,WhoseKnowledgeIsLikeAmbrosiaForTheMind,
> PleaseAnswerThisMyHumbleQuery:
>
> I woke up this morning, and found that my world had been transformed...
> My closet was full of black clothing, my room was decorated with
> computer printout, and there was an extremely powerful computer
> with all manner of home modifications, and empty cans of jolt cola
> strewn across the floor. this is very confusing, as last time I
> checked, I was an English major, and the most powerful computer I had
> ever touched was a 8086 word-processor.
> What has Happened, and why are there people shouting, "open up, were
> from th NSA!!!" outside my door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, fabulous!  I'll have to tell him that it worked.
}
} One of my Priests (I can't remember what his name was, and a complete
} DNA print would be pretty useless to you, I guess) wanted to try some
} neural programming. I told him about one of my supplicants, an English
} major, who wanted to know the answer to some obscure question about his
} 8086 word processor, and had failed to grovel well enough.  I was going
} to < ZOT > him, but I thought that my Priest's plan was a much more
} appropriate response.  I let him answer the question, but his response
} was worded such that the reader instantly began to think that he was a
} brilliant computer genius.  Apparently it worked, because for the last
} four years, you have been living a dual life.  Check the nearest
} newspaper for the date; I think you'll be unpleasantly surprised.
}
} It's a pity that the programming finally wore off at such an
} inopportune moment, though.  Listen, because you finally learnt how to
} grovel ( and that was really a very fine grovel ), I'm going to help
} you this ONE time.  Just a sec...there!  I just < ZOT >ed the NSA
} agents.  Ooops, that was actually your door.  Well, I did _try_, didn't
} I?  I'm sure that whatever you did, they won't feel pressured to use
} those submachine guns.  Well, good luck, and be sure my Priest will be
} in touch.
}
} You owe the Oracle an elementary textbook on neurolinguistic
} programming.


593-10    (448ge dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Let us posit that there are two English words that could be combined
> into a single word, and further, that one of these words is a noun,
> the other a verb.
>
> Let us further suppose a creature whose name consists of these two
> words conjoined; in fact, let us suppose that such a creature has
> actual physical existence in the real and tangible world.
>
> Let us then grant, for the sake of argument, that in such a case it
> might be possible to compose an English phrase using the
> composite name of this creature along with the separate noun and
> verb which together comprise its name to express the conditional
> possibility that this creature might be able to perform an action
> described by using the two parts of its name.
>
> If we further presume that it would be possible to devise an
> interrogatory sentence containing the same elements and requesting
> the quantification of this hypothetical ability, and, speaking
> hypothetically of course, to write down this sentence and send it to
> the magnificent Usenet Oracle, whose hypotheses are always granted,
>
> Given all the above, would it be acceptable behavior for a
> supplicant to ask you why Polar bears are not found in Poland?
>
> (Hypothetically, of course.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us postulate that there is a supplicant. This supplicant wants to
} get as close to asking one of the questions which result in death as
} they can without actually asking one.
}
} Further let us suppose that this supplicant presents postulates apropos
} of a sentence. Nay a Question! one of the solutions of which is a
} forbidden question.
}
} Hypothetically speaking we can postulate a retribution, addressed to
} the possibility of the wrong interrogatory sentence being presented.
}
} Given the above, Polar bears are not found in Poland for the same
} reason that one does not play Wom with a Wombat. Because Zoologists
} have a grip on reality which might at best be described as tenuous.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the rules for Cripple Mr Onion.


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