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Internet Oracularities #594

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594, 594-01, 594-02, 594-03, 594-04, 594-05, 594-06, 594-07, 594-08, 594-09, 594-10


Usenet Oracularities #594    (50 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 22:13:22 -0500

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   594
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

594   50 votes 1and3 19hi5 7hi80 6ld73 mk710 8bcc7 ak992 44beh 26kg6 8fk52
594   2.8 mean  3.1   3.3   2.5   2.6   1.7   3.0   2.5   3.7   3.4   2.6


594-01    (1and3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       We're all familiar with the everyday "noun": an object, a
> thing, the focus of our speech. We also know of the "verb", that part
> of speech which allows the noun to work. The "pronoun" comes in useful
> at this point, an indicator to something previously made obvious in
> the text.
>
>       What confuses me, however, is the position of the "proverb" in
> this complex simplicity of tongue with which most of us tangle every
> day. Tell me...what is the derivation of it?
>
>       I remain,
>               Clearly confused,
>                       A. Supplicant. (Ms.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's right, with the new "proverbs" being introduced, you can
} refer back to actions in previous sentences! No longer do you need to
} mess with such redundancies as "See Dick run. Run, Dick, run", when you
} can use the new proverbs (tm) to replace two runs!
}
} And now, we at the Oracle Language Institute are preparing to release a
} new line of proadjectives and proadverbs to simplify descriptions as
} well!
}
} Here are some samples of current Advanced Research at the Oracle
} Language Institute:
}
} * probate: a specialized form for referring back to court cases and
}       fishing trips.
}
} * produce: for discussing card games
}
} * connouns: for reference to nouns that have NOT occurred previously.
}
} * prenouns: for reference to nouns that will shortly occur.
}
} * propositional phrases: our research indicates that not only could
}       this eliminate redundancy, but allow advanced forms of innuendo
}       in everyday speech!
}
} You owe the Oracle some good propositional phrases.


594-02    (19hi5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows all, has done all and will experience more
> than any other that walks in this universe.  Please tell me why, out of
> all of natures idosyncrocies of those that fly, Geese fly in a 'V'
> formation.
>
> Skiman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not a V, Ski, that's a lambda, which represents the equivalent
} wavelength of the individual geese "particles" as their speed varies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quantum duck.


594-03    (7hi80 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Three gardens in Olympus were infested with pests, mammals
> that ate the flowers.
>
> Jehovah made it rain for forty days and forty nights in his
> garden, and drowned his groundhogs. Alas, he also flooded
> his philodendrons!
>
> Jove swatted his woodchucks with lightning bolts, but alas,
> he also fried his forsythia!
>
> The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm astonished you heard about those gardens.  We all were rather
} embarassed about the whole situation.  I <ZOT>ted the horrid little
} beasts, but zapped my zinnias.
}
} You owe the Oracle (and the rest of the Olympic Team) your promise to
} keep quiet about this matter.


594-04    (6ld73 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose Campfire nightly burns more wood
> than a w**dc**ck could handle in a lifetime,
>
> The wind always changes to blow the smoke from mine
> right in my face, and everyone says, "It is ever so."
>
> While playing with the dog, I had an idea:
> if I were to run around the fire in a circle,
> perhaps the wind's chain would get ever shorter,
> the night air would become still,
> and the smoke ascend undisturbed to the heavens.
>
> But then I thought perhaps the wind is chainless,
> and my circling would provoke a tornado,
> and I cautiously did not try my idea.
>
> Last night, a further thought came to me,
> which struck me with awe and filled me with terror,
> and I knew at once that I must ask,
>
> what would happen if I were to run around the wrong way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I almost want to Zot you for almost spoiling your grovel with a globbed
} variant of...  but let's get on with your question.
}
} Of course the wind is chainless.  Just imagine what any planet with an
} atmosphere would look like if all the winds would be chained to it.
} Guide rails holding the other ends of the chains would cover it
} entirely, leaving no space for wood to grow to be used for a campfire.
}
} The wind is just the force that takes the smoke from the fire to your
} face.
}
} The smoke is what is actually chained, and as you, poor supplicant,
} have experienced, it is chained between the campfire and your face.
} Actually, there are two chains:  the primary one spanning between the
} campfire and your face, working as a guide chain, and the secondary one
} actually holding the smoke near the primary chain, on it's way from the
} fire to your face.  The fire itself cares for the secondary chain
} (which is inborn to the smoke) to be put onto the primary chain (which
} is inborn to the fire).  Only after reaching the end of the primary
} chain, the secondary chain gets off the primary one, allowing the smoke
} to ascend away from you.  Even if you lay down beside the fire and
} bring your face near the ground, or dig a hole to hold your face lower
} than the fire, the smoke will reach your face.
}
} This principle holds true for any fire ignited by mortals for what they
} consider their enjoyment.  Non-smokers who ever sat with smokers at one
} table know that the smoke from the cigarettes always drifts into
} *their* faces, and only there (before leaving the primary chain and
} ascending towards the ceiling).  If you hated campfires, you would
} notice that the smoke from any of your campfires was blowing in the
} direction directly opposite of you.  However, if you hated campfires,
} you would not notice it because you would not ignite one unless you
} really had to.
}
} A chain-smoker actually enjoys the presence of the double smoke chain,
} regardless of where it goes or what he is smoking, be it joints,
} cigars, pipes, or whatever.  (A pipe-smoker, for comparison, enjoys how
} smoothly the chains are guided inside the pipe, if it is a good pipe.)
} Indeed, a chain smoker may even light a cigarette and then leave it
} there, on the ashtray on the table, enjoying how inevitably the primary
} smoke chain goes to the face of a non-smoker.  (If there is more than
} one non-smoker sitting at the table, the primary smoke chain attaches
} itself to the one of them disliking cigarettes most.)
}
} So your question is what happens to the smoke chain if you were to run
} around the campfire in either direction.  Your supposition might be
} that the primary chain gets wound up around the fire if you run around
} it clockwise, causing the smoke to stay near the fire and quench it,
} and that the screw fixing the primary chain to the center of the fire
} gets loose if you run around it counter-clockwise, causing the fire to
} be unable to put the secondary chains of the smoke clouds onto the
} primary chain, making them ascend diretly from the fire.  However,
} neither will work because after thousands of years of fires having to
} put up with humans attracting the other ends of their primary smoke
} chains, they have learned how to hold the chains in a way that they
} never wind up and never get loose.
}
} Your only choice is to give up making campfires, or to find others to
} camp with who don't like campfires as much as you do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smokeless campfire.


594-05    (mk710 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who would it be wiser to watch, Dave or Jay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle is usually too busy watching C-SPAN or the Exxxtasy
} network, but isn't Arsenio still on?  Now really, if you need help with
} a question this simple, you should just superglue your remote control
} on the Home Shopping Club.  I hear they've got a big night of
} Diamonique and Black Hills gold coming up right after the Linda Evans
} fashion collection ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


594-06    (8bcc7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ME ZOG.  ZOG WANT WOMAN.  MAMMOTH TOO.  MAMMOTH YUMMY.  EAT MAMMOTH
> WITH WOMAN.  LIKE MAKE PICTURES ON CAVE WALL.  PICTURES OF MAMMOTH.
> AND WOMAN.
>
> HOW GET WHAT WANT?
>
> UH YEH.  GROVEL.  UM, ORACLE BIG AND HAIRY AND NOT SMELL SO BAD LIKE
> UGH.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hillary, I *told* you to keep him away from the terminal!
}
} You owe the Oracle socialized fast food.


594-07    (ak992 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your family name? I don't ask questions to strangers!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The family name is subsumed under the general phylogenetic order.


594-08    (44beh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wrgl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a quiet day at 42 Delphi Drive, on Mount Olympus,
} at least from the lofty viewpoint of Himself.
}
} True, down in the bowels of the 42 sub-basements,
} frenetic activity unfolds at a fearful pace, but aloft,
} on high in the aerie of the executive suite, life is sweet,
} and tranquility reigns supreme.
}
} The Oracle, Himself, is seated in a commodious leather
} Chair, a Chair which adjusts 42 different ways, and can
} rock, rotate, swivel, or even glide around the rug on golden
} casters. At this moment, the Chair is located next to the
} Oracular Desk, a gleaming expanse of polished mahogany quite
} as large as any aircraft carrier's deck, and unencumbered by
} any shred of paper.
}
} The Oracle tosses an antique ivory cue ball out to the very
} edge of the Desk, with tremendous backspin, and, while the
} ball is still in the air, pushes with his feet to rotate his
} Chair.
}
} Around he spins! Once, twice, thrice, forty-two times!, and
} as the Chair slows to a stop the ball lands softly in his
} Lap. The Oracle smiles a Smile of perfect contentment.
}
} Much more dramatic events are about to transpire below, and
} so we shift our focus to the nethermost sub-basement.
}
} Here, we see a row of Priests chained to rusty metal
} lawn-chairs in front of ancient monochrome terminals.
} JonMon is playing adventure, and has got as far as the
} wellhouse but is baffled. Harold, as is his wont, is
} contemplating his toes at close range. The Lion regards
} himself in a mirror, wondering if the part in his hair is
} perfectly symmetrical. The Wumpus sleeps. A relaxed air of
} inexpectancy pervades the room.
}
} Shifting our focus again, having found that last room rather
} drab and dull, we examine the Cave of Demons. Here we find
} gnashing and wailing, as powerful demons bound by mighty
} spells are compelled to read an endless stream of Questions
} submitted by supplicants, and perform the first-level
} screening.
}
} > What is the best pickup line in history?
} > Is it polite to boil people in oil?
} > could I talk to myself?
} > Why am I not happy?
} > Will the cat land on its feet?
} > why don't elephants wear tophats?
} > Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
} > Hmm?
} > why do mathematics suck?
} > Where are my car keys?
}
} Question after Question is deemed unworthy of further
} attention, and sent out to be answered by other supplicants;
} some are deemed so unworthy that they are forwarded to the
} Woodchuck Hole for answering; as each Question is read, a
} demon howls in pain.
}
} Suddenly we hear a shriek and a laugh, but such a laugh as
} few mortals have heard and lived to tell -- a Question has
} arrived, a Question of such depth and profundity and cosmic
} significance that it can be referred to higher levels!
}
} Perhaps this will be the One. Perhaps this will be the
} Question the Oracle Cannot Answer, and then it will all fall
} apart, the demons unbound, the palace tumbling to the
} ground, the woodchucks unleashed, the Priests unchained...
} The demon sends the Question onwards, and laughs.
}
} Back on level -42, a terminal beeps; as it happens, it is
} DarkMage's terminal. He scans the words in front of him, and
} whinges, "Steve, you'd best have a bludge at this cobber;
} I think this bunt might have asked The Question."
}
} Steve stops playing with his organ and brings up the message
} on his screen. He gasps, and his face goes pale. With
} trembling fingers, he forwards the message to the Top.
}
} Twenty-one revolutions through his record-setting
} ninety-ninth repetition of his miraculous feat, the Oracle
} is interrupted by the gong. He brings his Chair to a stop,
} and the ball falls unattended to the floor and rolls under
} the Couch.
}
} The Oracular Crystal Ball lights up, and fiery letters begin
} to glow in the air; the Oracle reads them.
}
} It is the One, the Unanswerable, the Final Query.
}
} Not for nothing, however, is the Oracle the Oracle; he has
} prepared for this moment, knowing it would someday come.
}
} He wrinkles his Brow, and a transtemporal channel is opened;
} he flexes his Pinkie, and a cloud of electrons flies out,
} through the channel, across time, and into the supplicant's
} keyboard.
}
} The supplicant, in the act of pressing ^D, receives a shock from his
} keyboard! His whole hand smashes into the keyboard, erasing his
} Question and sending a nonsense phrase.
}
} The fiery letters in the Oracle's Office fade to the form of
} "Wrgl."
}
} The Oracle reaches for his Intercom and depresses the
} mother-of-pearl activator. "Joanie! Memo to Kinzler: Why are
} you bothering me for a Nonsense Query? You and your crew are
} working double shifts this weekend."
}
} You owe the Oracle a new antique ivory cue ball.


594-09    (26kg6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I do something that's going to take a bit of time, my
> Windows(tm-NOT!) system displays an hourglass.
> How many grains of sand are in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None. It's filled with little tiny Bill Gateses laughing at you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paranoid computer.


594-10    (8fk52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blake writes,
> "Great things are done when men and mountains meet;
> these are not done by Jocelyn in the street."
>
> Who's Jocelyn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? No grovel? Supplicant, you truly deserve to be zotted for your
} presumption. However, the Oracle is in a good mood today, so it'll only
} be a very small zot...
}
}       <zot>
}
} As for your question -- Jocelyn is one of the great literary mysteries
} than humanity is not ready for the answer to. Be thankful, Supplicant,
} that your question has not been answered, for the answer to your
} question would certainly melt your neurons and cause copious quantities
} of smoke to curl upward toward the heavens from your ears...
}
} It may be instructive to consider some of Jocelyn's relatives, such as
} Shakespeare's mysterious "Toby":
}
}       "Toby or not Toby, that is the question,
}       "Whether 'tis nobler..." (you should know the rest...)
}
} You should fing the five others with only about 500 hours research in a
} good library.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jocelyn's phone number, and a decent grovel.


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