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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have nothing to do tonight and I feel so alone. > Can you help me, please?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        For this evening's text, the Oracle takes not some fragment of }        scripture, but instead the question: } }        "I have nothing to do tonight, and feel so alone. }        Can you help me please?!" } }        How can we avoid stepping down this path, and what help can we }        offer the questioner?  The question speaks of "nothing", the }        basic metaphysical emptiness, the gaping abyss in the heart of }        being.  The questioner *has* "nothing", a remarkable }        achievement, the possession of the abyss.  This confers great }        power.  The phrase "to do tonight" reflects the essential }        temporality that makes up humanity's essence, and the }        questioner's ability to hold together these two great polar }        opposites, human temporality and the abyss, suggests that the }        questioner has deep reserves of power and understanding, and }        that the world is no more a puzzle to him or her as a simple }        lock and key is to the rest of us. } }        Yet the questioner also feels "so alone".  Can this surprise us }        - does the Nietzschean Uebermensch feel part of the crowd?  No, }        the questioner must live in the rarefied air and society of the }        innate superiority in the Questioner's possesion, and leave }        behind the petty wranglings and dealings of this all too human }        earth. } }        "Can you help me please?!" is a riddle, a good-natured taunting }        from the infinite good humor and good will of the questioner, }        who delights in the pleasure and pain that this new maturity has }        conferred - the mixed punctuation almost gives it away! How }        could we help this superior being?  The Questioner's laughter }        rings out over the mountains and valleys, and we can only hope }        to aspire to the same condition. } }        Having said this, the Oracle wishes to acknowledge that the }        phrase admits of another, less inspiring interpretation.  If }        this weaker interpretation holds, the Oracle suggests that the }        Questioner (or should we say "Complainer") had better take all }        their money out of the bank and rush quick as a bunny to }        wherever it is that one can purchase a life.  Stop whining to }        the Oracle, we have our own problems getting dates.  Sheesh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I do not understand my lectures.  I do not understand the journal > articles I read.  I attend academic parties where even the Brie does > not make sense. Yesterday a philosopher propounded "Yes, it is just as > Heidegger said: Language is the House of Being." > > O Most Munificent Oracle > tell me -- if Language is the House of Being, who's the landlord?  And > who's paying the rent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who is the landlord of the Queen's English? Why, the Queen, of } course. Over the last several centuries of steady erosion of the } powers of the English Monarch, the one political power which has } remained is authority over the English language. The ability to } delete words has deflected the course of history many times. } Unfortunately, since you no longer have the necessary words, you } can no longer understand the concepts  you have lost. The only place } you can find an indication of the missing words is in song or rhyme, } where nonsense syllables are sometimes inserted to preserve the } rhythm. For instance: } }       Deck the halls with boughs of holly, }       Fa la la la la, la la la la. } } Or: } }       Rub a dub dub, }       Three men in a tub. } } Who in this day knows what fa la la and rub a dub actually mean? Why } were their meanings removed? Are they politically dangerous ideas, or } are they moral perversions? What were the three men in a tub doing? } What does holly symbolize? (Well, I know, of course, but I can no } longer explain it to you in English.) } } You owe the Oracle a rub a dub dub.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What...is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   African or.... } }   No no no... that would be far too easy... and, although you're } clearly the type of person who would address someone as mighty as the } Usenet Oracle without even a decent grovel I shall answer not the } question you asked (as I sense you already know the answer) but the } questions you meant to ask but sublimated because you were too afraid } and/or repressed. } }   Ready?  Here goes... } }   1) I'm afraid not... she associates you too strongly with greasy } hair and dandruff-flecked glasses.  As they say in the shampoo } adverts `First impressions last'.  Forget her. } }   2) It's a perfectly normal boil caused by poor hygene and should } subside within the week if you don't squeeze it. } }   3) Aged 25 - it will be a great disappointment to both you and your } partner.  She will later sober up and regret it. } }   4) About average really - a little on the small side but it's never } going to be too much of a problem. } }   5) No chance of a revival - he will remain famous for writing } `American Pie' but that's it.  Your taste in music will never be shared } by the masses. } }   6) Not spectacularly but comfortably well off through your steady job } in Cost Accountancy (sorry). } }   7) Not really but you will be interviewed as part of a televised } investigation into mal-practice by orthodontists.  You will actually be } shown for approximately five seconds (but will have been heavily } air-brushed and be shown in soft-focus).  Your mom will video it.  This } is the height of your fame. } }   8) They will never reform for another series, the death of Mr. } Chapman and the desire not to become stuck in a rut will prevent this. } Also they are slightly embarrassed by the semi-religious recital of } their material by devoted fans and more embarrassed by the general } bespectacled and bedandruffed nature of these cultists. } }   I hope this experience has enriched your life.  Next time, don't feel } embarrassed to ask the oracle about what's really on your mind.  And } don't forget the grovel, bozo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle requires an question to this answer!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and oscillating Oracle, whose nose-hairs could circle Jupiter > twice and still have enough length left over to rappel off of a largish > cliff, please answer this question for your humble supplicant: > > As a Southern Conservative from Alabama who supports the NRA, Rush > Limbaugh, and all other conservative causes such as the expedient > impeachment of Hillary ... uh, I mean Bill, should I run for the > Presidency in 1996?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very nicely grovelled.  You will obviously go far in politics.  Now } please, dust off your knees and stand.  Also, you can improve your } grovel by changing "largish cliff" to "Rush Limbaugh." } } The answer to your question is:  No.  You should walk.  It's much } more dignified, and with people like Rush touting themselves as the } bastion of conservatism, you'll need all the dignity you can get. } And forget about impeaching Billary...you can only impeach a } President for criminal activities, and there is no law against } ineptitude or stupidity. } } Having said that, allow me to make the following recommendations for } appointed posts (should you win.  I'm not telling until you ask me): } } Veteran's Admistration        Jane Fonda } Drug Czar                     Marion Barry } Housing & Urban Development   Leona Helmsley } Transportation                Ted Kennedy } Education                     Dan Quayle } Health                        Dr. Kevorkian & Magic Johnson } CIA                           H. Ross Perot } NASA                          Jerry Brown } Family Values                 Woody Allen } Speaker of the House          Adm. Stockdale } Chiefs of Protocol            Roseanne Barr & Rush Limbaugh (they }                               might be the same person) } FBI                           John Gotti } Labor                         Murphy Brown } White House Staff             Gennifer Flowers } } You can't go wrong with a lineup like that. } } You owe the Oracle.  Don't forget it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All is dark and silent at Oracle Headquarters. The Oracle } Himself has gone home for the evening, the Priests have been } locked in their cages, and the doors locked, the windows } shuttered, the lights extinguished. } } All is dark, that is, except in one hallway, where a person } clad in shapeless overalls mops the floor, whistling tunelessly, } staring vacantly. } } All else is silent, until a terminal in a Priestly cubicle } begins to beep. The Priest *should* have logged off and } powered down, but you know how Priests are... } } Kinzler hears the beeping, and shambles towards its source. } He's been told, time and time again, not to answer these } calls, but you know how Sysadmins are... } } The keyrings affixed to his belt give off a fiendish clanking } noise as he wends his weary way towards the terminal. The } clanking of the keys, the tuneless whistling, and the } beeping, are the music of this night. } } He arrives at the terminal, and reads: } } > ? } } "Golly!", he soliloquizes, "the Question ain't a-printin out! } I'd best be fixin this here terminal afore the boys comes in } fer the mornin shift!" } } He grabs a screwdriver from the back pocket of his overalls } and reaches for the rear of the terminal. Moments later, } there is a cacophany of coruscading sparks, and a charred } figure falls inert to the floor. } } The tragedy is discovered the next morning, and all Oracular } operations are suspended for a week. } } Millions of supplicants, deprived of their customary witty } answers, despondently throw themselves beneath the wheels of } speeding prams. } } Streetcleaners, disgusted at the mess, go on strike. All } metropolitan streets become impassable, workers cannot } commute to their jobs, and the wheels of industry grind to a } halt. The Market crashes, brokers from their windows fall, } and civilization comes to an end. } } No, supplicant, this hasn't happened, for now at least it's } just a parable, a story that warns of what *could* happen if } you're not more careful with your Questions. } } You owe the Oracle a thousand-line Question, written in } heroic couplets, with no misspellings, but with at least } three puns in every line.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose wit, nostalgia raises to even higher levels than that > apparent today. > > Please tell me: > > Why do office supplies come in waves? > What I mean is, last month I had no biros on my desk. Today, at the > last count I had nine. And I can't remember getting any from the > stationary cupboard. A similar thing, but negative has happened with > erasers, scissors have remained steady, but no sightings of staplers > have been made for some months.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Office supply companies long ago found that unless they did } something about the natural breeding rate of common office supplies, } that like the wire coat hanger manufacturers of old, they would soon } be unneeded. Offices could just put a few pens into a quiet drawer, } come back in a few months, and have enough to cover needs for another } few months. }       Modern Science was called in and soon found the answer. The } genetic code in most supplies could be tampered with, causing hormonal } imbalance and missed breeding periods. Those supplies that could } not be manipulated were replaced with other items which had shorter } lifetimes or breeding defects or some other method of reducing what } they called 'in the field reproduction' } } TO use some of your examples: Biros replace the old fountain pens, } since it's common knowledge that like burros, biros are mostly sterile. } Scissors usually have been rendered infertile via vasectomy (two quick } snips and it's all over) Staplers are a problem, since they are } normally very hungry and even resort to cannibalism if they do not get } enough metal in their diet. The Oracle suggests a few extra staples } (just basic staples) a day and your staplers won't be forced to eat } each other. } } You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of paper clips and a herd of Post-it } notes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, wisest of all the Masters, > who has lived in the Eternal Now > for more years than there are hands clapping, > > There's a lot of spiritual malaise going around these days; > how can I have safe satori?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmm... neat grovel - no chance of sneaking out of answering this } one... so here's the relevant leaflet. } }   International Bank of Bhudda } }   Searching for satori... then look no further. } }     "A monk aproached Joshu and asked `Master, in these uncertain }       times, how may I save satori'.  Joshu replied `Have you finished }       your rice porridge.'  The monk responded that he had and Joshu }       then said `Well, just nip down to the village with this cash-card }       and get me $10 - I bank with IBB' "  - Zen koan (circa 1993) } }   IBB, serving your banking and spiritual needs throughout the cycles } of birth and rebirth.  Just look at all the features... } }   . Thanks to our non-cartesian banking you can spend your money and } save it simultaneously } }   . Instant printouts of both cash and karmic balance } }   . The only bank that will pass your account details on to your next } reincarnation } }   . Worried about tearing open that delicate third eye - our insurance } policy with both cover and not cover it for you } }   . Forever losing that hard-won satori - it'll be fine in our } spiritual strong-boxes. } }   . Plan that path to enlightenment with our spiritual financier. } }   . Mu } }   Other leaflets available in our "Religion and commerce for proffit } and prophet" series } }    Moonie-matic laundry services - washes your clothes as thoroughly as }                                       your mind. } }    Voodoo cult life insurance - you only live twice. } }    Jehovah's attourneys - no longer content to merely witness. } }    VMS and the Catholic Church - why wait 'till hell to suffer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, I found this story in an old book, but the last > page was missing. Can you in your infinite wisdom tell me how the > story ends? > > Once upon a time, there lived in the forests of Lemmingland a tribe of > fierce warriors. They were called the violems, for they were utterly > violent. >                 [here there were a drawing of one lem >                  frying another with a flamethrower] > > After centuries of beating, shooting, chopping, torturing, > slaughtering, frying, eating, boiling, burying, drowning, crushing and > just plain killing eachother, there were but 35 left of them, so they > decided to stop fighting eachother and find someone else to kill > instead. Thus, the Lemmings went to war. > > Oh oracle, what happens then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They traveled and traveled, climbing mountains, fording streams, trying } to find dreams.  Eventually, they found themselves on some very high } cliffs overlooking the water.  Perceiving it as a possible enemy } (violems were not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier), the leaders } yelled, "Charge!!" } } A tide of lems (well, thirty-five seems like a tide when they're all } running at you squeaking at the top of their lungs) zipped up the hill } and plunged off the edge of the cliffs.  To their dismay, the water's } only means of defense was to come at them with increible speed and get } very cold. } } Lems, besides being a little thick, sink like stones in armor.  Two of } them were knocked clean out of their armor by the force of the } collision, and swam frantically away from the cliffs.  After a day or } two they reached the land on the other side and promptly swore off } battle for good. } } They founded a little town, which they called Lemminster (of course, } the people who moved there later changed the spelling so it looked } completely different; who wants to admit they're living in a town } founded by Lems?). } } You owe the Oracle some Lem stew.  With onions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stupid Oracle, never smart like he's s'posed to be, always copying > someone else's ideas, what can I do about my tendency to make people > hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good boys and girls say "please" and "thank you," and refrain from } using words like "stupid" and "hate."  Your problem is not one of } borderline personality disorder, or body odor, but rather one of } semantics. The Oracle will resolve your question by restating it. } } For example, don't think of the Oracle as "stupid," but as "diverse." } "Never smart" becomes "occasionally blonde," "copying someone else's } ideas" becomes "deriving insight from the contributions of others." } Don't think in terms of people hating you, but rather of "cultural } insensitivity" on their part. } } The Oracle will now restate your question in the proper context: } } > O Golden Haired One, whose insight springs from the masses, how } > can I deal effectively with the cultural insensitivity of others'? } } The Oracle will not deprive you the intellectual stimulus of answering } your own question, now that it has been stated in the proper context.