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Internet Oracularities #596

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596, 596-01, 596-02, 596-03, 596-04, 596-05, 596-06, 596-07, 596-08, 596-09, 596-10


Usenet Oracularities #596    (57 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 18:30:10 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   596
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

596   57 votes 5kn81 25eii 2cegd 06lm8 adjd2 7ihc3 3ado7 4gjc6 15fme 6ejf3
596   3.2 mean  2.6   3.8   3.5   3.6   2.7   2.8   3.4   3.0   3.8   2.9


596-01    (5kn81 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a friend who I like too much but I'm afraid to tell her.
> What shall I do???????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Geezzzz.  How pathetic--but understandable unless of course
} you are in the fourth grade.  Chances are, though since you
} have the presence of mind to ask the Oracle, that you are
} not in the fourth grade, but are instead a socially retarded
} computer geek.
}
} You have a few options:
}
} Option #1:
} Convince yourself that you really don't like her that much
} afterall, and that it's much safer just to be friends.
}
} Result:
} You will an unfulfilling and basically meaningless life with
} regrets and collection of mangey cats as your only companions.
}
} Option #2:
} Find someone else that you don't feel quite so strongly about
} and have a torrid affair.  Repeat.
}
} Result:
} This will temporarily distract you from the possibility of
} rejection by someone you actually care about.  You will live an
} unfulfilling and basically meaningless life, and die alone of
} a horrible, disfiguring, socially transmitted disease.
}
} Option #3:
} Leave your wife and run off to Hawaii with this woman.  She's
} desperately in love with you herself, and is just waiting
} for you to say the word.
}
} Result:
} You will live a long, happy life--and have a good tan.
}
} BTW, I'm somewhat concerned about you liking her "too much?"  You
} don't like her in a Jeffrey Daumer kind of way?
}
} You owe the Oracle some fava beans and a nice chianti.


596-02    (25eii dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle, who is exempted from Murphy's Law, Parkinson's Law and
> the Law of Gravity, answer me this plea:
>
> What is the root of all evil?
>
> Yours in deep ignorance and humility,
>                                      A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy. Rudy Vallee Ville is a little town in
} California founded by a megapjone-toting songster of
} the 'twenties. You owe the Or -
}
} > HEY!!!! That's not right!
}
} What?
}
} > I said Root. Of. All. Evil. Four words.
}
} Oh, just a minute, let me turn my radio down.
} What was that again?
}
} > Root. Of. All. Evil. [inaudible mutter]
}
} Desire.
}
} > Makes sense, I guess.
}
} Yes, brethren, Satan knows you don't *want* to be bad, so in
} tempting you he uses Desire as the route to your heart. All
}
} > Wait a minute.
}
} you need to do is send all your money
}
} > STOP!!
}
} Huh?
}
} > Not "route", as in road. I said "root", spelled Arr Oh Oh Tee.
}
} Oh, why didn't you say so?
}
} > [mutter]
}
} Gotta be beets. Beets have an ugly red color, smell awful,
} and their flavor
}
} > AAARGH!
}
} What now?
}
} > I said "Root of all evil". *Not* "Most evil of all roots."
}
} All right, no misunderstandings this time. The userid is
} root@hell.org, the private root directory is hell:/home/satan,
}
} > No, No, NO! You [bleep] computer geek! It's a metaphor.
} > Root of all evil. Genesis of evil. Origin of evil.
} > Root of all evil. Cause of evil. Foundation of evil.
}
} Oh, *now* you tell me!
}
} Failure to communicate, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Percival Quarters.
}
} > Huh?
}
} Purse. Of. All. Quarters.
}
} The last ever-filled purse I got only dispensed pennies, and
} by the time I finished counting them out and putting them
} into wrappers and taking them to the bank, I was making less
} money than the Governor of Arkansas.


596-03    (2cegd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Old MacDonald had a farm
>   EIEIO!
>   And on that farm he had some cows
>   EIEIO!
>   With a moo moo here and a moo moo there
>   here a moo there a moo
>   everywhere a moo moo
>
> I never really understood this thing.  What's the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This so-called nursery rhyme is all that is left to us of
} an ancient druidical ritual for ridding a village of a
} criminal (remember that it has occasionally been a capital
} offense to be a Scotsman in certain parts of England).
}
} Old MacDonald (the offender)
} had a farm (but now we're taking it away)
} EIEIO (a Pictish/Celtic acronym relating a rather revolting vengeance)
} and on this farm he had some [animal] (but not anymore)
} EIEIO (the same vengeance against this animal)
} with a [Repeated Animal Sound] here  (like calling a dog a bow-wow)
} and a [RAS] there  (the unfortunate beast is bisected)
} here a [Animal Sound], there a [Animal Sound] (and bisected again)
} everywhere a [repeated animal sound]  (Well, yeah, NOW it's everywhere)
} Old MacDonald had a farm (see above)
} EIEIO! (see above)
}
} You owe the Oracle a roast moo-moo sandwich.


596-04    (06lm8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose icons are ever classy,
>
> They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose
> your relatives. Poppycock!, say I iconoclastically,
> Why not give it a try?
>
> And so, I am pleased to tell you that I have awarded you the
> honor of being my new Grandfather!
>
> Welcome to the family, Grampa Orrie.
>
> By the way, my birthday is April 16; no need to go crazy
> with the birthday and Christmas presents, though --
> although you wouldn't want Aunt Elizabeth or Uncle Ross to
> make you look like an old skinflint, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle thanks you for the honor of being added to your family.  You
} may not have realized it, but the Oracle is very strong on maintaining
} tradition.  Very old tradition.  So, as the new head of your family,
} the Oracle has decided to sell you into slavery.  Have a nice day.
}
} You owe the Oracle seven years' servitude and a Margarita with salt.


596-05    (adjd2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aha, Oracle, you have fouled up again.  In a previous answer you wrote
> to me, "Well, as you know, George Bush the Democrat is a misguided
> chimp." Bush is a Republican, Oracle.  HA!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You dare question the all-mighty, all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle?
} You are very brave, foolish mortal.  Or very stupid.  Beware, or an
} example may be made of you for others who might overstep their bounds.
}    But today, the Oracle feels magnanimous, and will deign to clarify
} it's previous answer:  While it may appear the George Herbert Walker
} Bush is a Republican, this is not the case.  Twelve years ago,
} before he was elected Vice President, he entered into a plot with
} Mario Cuomo and other leading Democrats.  For eight years as Reagan's
} Vice President he did all he could to discredit the Republicans and
} run the country into the ground.  Who do you really think started
} the Iran-Contra scandal?  Ronny?  No, it was George.
}    But the power of the Vice President proved insufficient to the task.
} The Republicans were too strong.  So George ran for President,
} and lo and behold, he won!  You remember all the waffling about,
} and poor judgements, don't you? It was all a plot!  And it WORKED!
} A Democrat is now in the Whitehouse.  How else do you think that
} could have happened?
}    It is only a matter of time now until Bush reveals his true colors,
} and reaps his reward:  Chairman of the President's Select Committee
} for the Study of Scantily-Dressed Teenage Women.  When this comes to
} pass, we will know who isn't really omniscient, now won't we.
}
}                       THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN.


596-06    (7ihc3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of such power nad wisdom as to make my uncle, Ernie, 'Mad
> Wolverine' Santucci, seem like unto a very worm:
>
> HELP me!
>
> I woke up in a barely furnished room with this naked woman.  She has
> a big gun and somebody's pounding on the door and screaming something
> I can't make out.
>
> I think she said her name was Lisa, but I'm not sure.
>
> Am I in trouble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The day had begun auspiciously, with Lisa giving surprisingly
} little argument to my Oracular requests - indeed, she seemed to revel
} in each and every one of them, from slaughtering the ritual livestock
} that supplicants had sent me the previous day to sorting through the
} hundred or so offers for endorsements that make it into my mailbox each
} day.  I knew it was too good to last...
}
}       ...and it, of course, was. At 12:15 I received a supplication
} which threw me a bit for a loop.   It said that Lisa had been spotted
} in the company of a rather strange-looking young man.  From my sources
} I was able to ascertain that the stringy-haired, buck-toothed man was
} an escaped sexual deviant.  The court records said that he attacked his
} last victim (before he was put away for 10 years) because he thought
} that she was Lois Lane (her name was, in fact, Louise Lang).  He seemed
} to get a great thrill out of attacking those associated with the rich
} and powerful.
}
}       My immediate thought was pity.  Not for Lisa, of course, but for
} the poor sap who had abducted her.  I knew before looking what the
} results were going to be.  Gazing in my crystal ball, I watched the
} proceedings with some interest, and a sense of expectation.
}
}       It took less time than it requires to recount the story.  The sap
} walked into a small, decrepit-looking hotel room, holding a Magnum to
} Lisa's head.  He watched her strip, and then proceeded to unbuckle his
} belt.  It is at this point that he discovered that trained martial
} artists are not in the least weakened by an absence of clothes.  In
} about the length of time it took for him to unclasp his belt buckle,
} Lisa had done a double flip over his head, and proceeded to kick him
} cleanly in the juncture between the skull and the neck, knocking him
} out.
}
}       She wasted no time completing the job.  Removing his belt, she
} bound his hands behind him and placed him on the sole chair in the room
} - a wicker job which was not in the best of shape.  She then retrieved
} his gun, removed the safety (which the fool had forgotten to do
} previously) and stood waiting for him to wake up.
}
}       It is at this point that I, like any public spirited individual,
} called the police.  Thus it was that when the man woke up he found a
} naked amazon with a big gun snarling at him and a regiment of the boys
} in blue beating down his door.
}
}       Supplicant, you are going back to prison.  The good news is that
} I am not going to ZOT you, because if I did so, you would not be able
} to provide me with my requested tribute.  A word to the wise, however -
} if and when you get loose again, you might want to check out the belt
} ratings of any potential victims.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a vanity license plate saying "LISA RULZ".


596-07    (3ado7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose bills are hard to pay,
> I'm in trouble.
>
> I've tried so hard to pay your bill, but -- let me explain:
>
> You told me to send you a lifesized catnip elephant (for your
> Catzilla). I'm conscientious, and always try to pay my bills,
> especially after you gave me such a great Answer.
>
> I couldn't find one in the stores, so I went out and bought all the
> stuff to make one, which really filled up my apartment.
>
> The bad part was, with so much catnip in the house,
> every cat in the neighborhood wound up outside my door,
> caterwauling like you wouldn't believe.
>
> The worst part was when Nancy Reagan showed up with a megaphone and
> started chanting "Just say Miaou!"
>
> But I finally got it finished, and went down to UPS to arrange for
> shipping it.
> They looked up your address, which is somewhere in Transfinite
> Alternate Parallel Universe A2300981-bis, and told me that
> shipping it would cost me $3,975,420,001,895,563.98
>
> per gram.
>
> plus tax.
>
> I couldn't afford it, and I didn't know what to do, so I just
> ignored the problem.
> For a month or two.
>
> Then, last night, your Earthly representative, one Dean
> Witherspoon-Hodges III, showed up at my door and informed me that if
> I didn't pay up soon, he'd have to invite me for tea.
> High tea, at that.
>
> With cucumber sandwiches.
>
> While I certainly compliment you on your avoidance of ethnic slurs
> in your choice of button-men,
> now I have to do something fast, or I'll wind up
> sleeping with the scones.
> Buttered scones, at that.
>
> So, I've decided that my only hope is to ask you another question.
> After all, if anybody knows what to do, it's You.
>
> Please help me, O wise one.
> How can I get $3,975,420,001,895,563.98 fast?
> ( Per gram, plus tax ).
>
> Incidentally, why do you need this from me, anyway? can't you just
> *TOZ* one up?
>
> If you'd like to drop by and pick it up, instead of having me send
> it to you, I'd be honored by your visit. We can share a sixpack and
> take in a game on the tube.
>
> If you do decide to drop over, in the words of Mister
> Witherspoon-Hodges, you "know where to find me".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle.
}
}      Hmm. I must say it is refreshing to see someone actually make a
} good-faith effort to pay my bill -- as you can see, I've had to hire
} quite a few bill collectors. So I suppose I'll help you out.
}
}      Your mistake was to try and send it by UPS. As always, electronic
} transmission is cheaper. The only problem the small matter of putting a
} life-sized catnip elephant into electronic form.
}
}      What you need to do, Supplicant, is to construct a simple
} matter-energy converter (you can find plans in the August, 2136 issue
} of Popular Mechanics), then run my promised payment through it. Save
} the resulting enery as a file, then include it in an E-Mail and send it
} to the usual address. I recommend you use a system with a relatively
} high energy per bit to avoid having an excessively large file.
}
}     If you can't find a copy of the August 2136 issue of Popular
} Mechanics, you'll just have to figure out how to build the M-E
} converter yourself.
}
}       You owe the Oracle the November 12, 1562 issue of _Vatican
} Today_.


596-08    (4gjc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O marvellous Oracle, thou who can translate any language to any other
> without losing a single word per minute in thy touch-typing. Thou who
> can translate any pun from any language without losing a smidgeon of
> the humour, even those jokes in Japanese relating "Kaze" = 'wind (which
> blows)' to "Kaze" = 'cold (disease)'. Thou who can white out an error
> so that none will know it was ever there, if The Oracle would ever make
> a typing error, which thou would not.
>
> Please hear this insignificant question from this wormy supplicant not
> worthy of changing thy typewriter ribbon, and pray chance an answer.
>
> In the Southern Hemisphere, the months run at the same time as ours,
> but the seasons are different. E.g. It's January here when it's January
> there, but when it's summer here, it's winter there. Wouldn't it be
> better to either change the months around to match the seasons so that
> both are reversed, or change the meaning of one set of seasons so that
> both run at the same time in both Hemispheres?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are correct.  The months do run at the same time as
} ours, and the seasons are indeed opposite.  There is, of course, a
} reason for this. You see, there are these little creatures called
} molecules which float around in the air (in effect, BEING the air).
} When it gets hot, these molecules move farther apart, and when it gets
} cold, they squish together to try to keep warm.  So when it's summer
} here in the Northern Hemisphere, the particles move farther apart, and
} so they spill over the equator.  In doing so, they crowd the molecules
} that are already in the Southern Hemisphere, and they are all squished
} together.  That is why it is cold in the South when it is summer in the
} North.  Conversely, when it is winter up here, all the particles are
} sucked back across the equator, leaving greater spaces between the
} molecules in the South, causing summer.
}
} Sure, this can be annoying and confusing, but it can't be avoided.  I
} suppose someone could just rename the seasons so that they match in
} heat, but differ in name.  The months could be renamed as a second
} possibility, but then they would not run so simultaneously, and that
} would confuse everyone all the more. I have given this much thought,
} and have come to a conclusion: I don't care, since I live in the
} Northern Hemisphere anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle an oxygen atom, on a silver platter.  Or, if you
} can't afford a whole atom right now, you may pay me one subparticle per
} month for the next two years.


596-09    (15fme dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think Nice is nice, but if I owned both Hell and Florida,
> I'd rent out Florida and live in Hell.
>
> You, great Oracle, have been everywhere, and never get lost in the
> mediaeval section of town.
>
> What are some of *your* most favorite and most detested places?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I never get lost in the medieval section, although I did once
} become...ah, disoriented in the liquor department at Wal-mart once.
}
} You're right, I have been everywhere (being omniscient, I know the
} best itineraries), and I do indeed have my favorite places to be.
} Here is a rundown of some of the more memorable locales:
}
} ROME
}
} Built by Romulans in ancient times, it is home to a great number of
} ruins and cats.  If you want to see statues of naked, armless women
} and men with little wee-wees, this is the place to be.
}
} Pros: Pope-On-A-Rope Shower Icons and Papal Squid Hats readily
}       available through Vatican City's duty free shops.
}
} Cons: Presently illegal to feed Christians to famished felines.
}
} PARIS
}
} Home of the famous Plaster, this is the city of LOVE!  Yes!  Paris is
} brimming with the French, who are known world-wide for their
} expertise in the amorous arts.  I suggest that you conduct all
} liaisons in French, however...it is France, after all, and you must
} be considerate and learn the local language and customs.  Besides,
} the French accent is specifically designed to make the French sound
} as if they think you are a nematode when they speak English.
}
} Pros: L'Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, REAL croissants, babes
}       in berets.
}
} Cons: Public beheadings are now uncommon, French fries not
}       available in France.
}
} NEW YORK
}
} Da Big Apple!  The City that NEVER Sleeps!  Night owls take note,
} there is ALWAYS something to do in this town!
}
} Pros: Broadway shows, the New Year's party, street performers,
}       David Letterman
}
} Cons: Street performance artists, chance of meeting Frank Sinatra
}       on subway
}
} MONTREAL
}
} Oh, Canada!  Montreal is a wonderful city.  French is the common
} language there, just like Paris, but English won't get you banned
} from a restaurant.  Contrary to popular belief, Montrealais do not
} sound like Bob and Doug Mackenzie.  A few do LOOK like them, though.
}
} Pros: Cirque du Soleil, French fries actually available, chance of
}       exciting armed revolt much higher than in Paris.
}
} Cons: Chance of you, the tourists, being beheaded in armed revolt
}       is very high.
}
} MOSCOW
}
} Or, more accurately, Moskva.  This city is full of happy, fun-loving
} people who really enjoy hearing you say, "Kazhdi dien, ya kradyt
} karadashi na rabotayu."(*)  They, too, love French fries, so they have
} to be great people!
}
} Pros: Priests in cool vestments, great buildings, good
}       old-fashioned revolt in progresss (France: take notes).
}
} Cons: Boris and the Parliament.
}
} BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA, USA
}
} The Home of the Oracle.
}
} Pros: Me.
}
} Cons: Kinzler.  He was arrested for writing "Kazhdi dien, ya
}       kradyt karandashi na rabotayu" on the scoreboard at
}       Barcelona.
}
} [(*) "Each day, I steal pencils from work." -ed]


596-10    (6ejf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise master, one whose sauce is never too hot nor too mild, pray
> tell me the answer to this burning question:
>
> If i'm a disgruntled former employee of, say, a major public service,
> would firearms and quick, blinding violence, in the name of Al Bundy,
> be a good way to release tension?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now here is a supplicant who knows the way to the Oracle's soft
} spots.  Thank you ever so much for the culinary complement.
}
} This is a purely hypothetical situation?  Right?  Right.  Let's
} say, for example, that you worked for, oh . . ., the post office.
} [Everything gets fuzzy, wavy and woozie.  Scene fades from
} a richly furnished, walnut paneled office to a large marble
} building with Corinthian [well, maybe they're Doric] columns
} on a broad portico.]
}
} It's been a long, bad day.  Your own dog whizzed on your pants leg
} while you carefully "stuffed" those social security checks in one
} bank of mail boxes after another.  Nasty young children (your own),
} taunted you all day, calling you "swarmy, normey."  You got back to the
} central post office only to discover that you have been charged
} with sexual HARassment [or was that harASSment], by a loud obnoxious
} redhead with big hair, so you've been asked to turn in your
} shoe horn, er' ah, mail pouch and never again face snow and
} rain and dark of night.  What's a pathetic excuse for humanity
} to do?  On your way home, you stop by the Wawa to pick up a
} gallon of milk.  Then it hits you, total depression with an
} unhealthy dose of desperation, and you remember that Bob
} "Gun-Metal" Schwartz who lives out-back sells hardware at
} competitive prices.  You carefully, and nonchalantly, meander around
} back and swap 42 unopened social security checks and 12 breakfast
} cereal samples for an uzi, a swiss army knife (with hacksaw and
} corkscrew), a Popilleu pocket fisherman, and enough ammo to
} light up Chicago.
}
} At this point it becomes painfully obvious, even to you, that
} you're going to end your life in a stereo-typically unimaginative
} way.  Why be like everyone else--shooting up the post office, a mall,
} an IBM lobby--it's been done!  A look of intelligence and resolve
} briefly, let me emphasize briefly, crosses your face as you jump
} into your 1974 Nova and accidently shoot yourself in the groin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a swiss army knife and a roll of stamps.


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