} > O mighty Oracle, whose tan lines never cross, whose toenails never
} > need trimming, whose IQ causes Marilyn Vos Savant to cry in shame,
} > please answer my humble question:
} Wait a minute! Cry in shame? Marilyn? Say it isn't so! I had no
} > What does the G on Speed Racer's shirt stand for?
} Ginny, his sweetheart in Pearville, IL.
} They met in Minneapolis at an auto show. She was fascinated with
} the way his lips moved. Their eyes met and their scene faded to
} dinner, a White Castle on the corner of Bryn Mawr and Fodor. They
} gazed into each other's eyes for hours. After they regained their
} senses, they made for Speed's trusty highway machine, and without a
} word, hit the onramp and *whoooosh* south and west and before
} sunrise, they had found the most secluded beach on Baja. They
} tumbled into the sand and were enjoying a well-deserved nap when
} Fontaine, the notorious gangster, silently removed the condoms from
} Speed's glovebox, then disappeared without a trace.
} Speed and Ginny awoke with the sun high in the sky. They built a
} fire and had a wonderful lunch of roasted nuts, cheese and crackers,
} and champagne. Feeling quite flushed and warm, and giddy with the
} bubbly intoxicants, Ginny exclaimed, "Oh my, I simply MUST shed some
} clothing!" and began slowly to remove first her blouse, and then
} her slacks, until her pale skin shone bright in the intense Baja
} sun. Speed replied, "Oh my, I think I'm having an erection!" The
} music grew tense as Speed's mind flashed to the booklet he had found
} last summer. He immediately scanned his memory of the contents of
} the glovebox. YES! He politely excused himself for just the
} moment, and gingerly stepped to the highway machine. He opened the
} glovebox. Ginny turned and stretched in the sun, exposing her
} predilections to the warmth of the sun. His fingers explored the
} depths of the plush-lined compartment. Speed Racer's forehead
} became wet as his fingers raised the alarm and he realized that his
} expectations were to be thwarted. He again scanned his memory.
} There could only be one explanation!
} Fontaine tossed the condoms into the nearest trash can. He chuckled
} the sort of chuckle only a true gangster can chuckle, and his lips
} moved. He thought of the explosion about to occur. He had
} considered perforating the condoms with a single tiny pin prick and
} returning them to the glovebox, but he needed the satisfaction of
} the impending boom. He took a seat on the bench next to the trash
} can. He looked at his watch. He waited. He opened his newspaper.
} He lost interest with the newspaper and looked at his watch again.
} He got bored. He went home.
} Meanhile, Speed and Ginny had long since given up on safety and were
} making passionate love in the sand, rolling and creating a great
} moist depression in the secluded beach at Baja.
} Speed has never actually seen her since that day, and he does not
} know that Ginny bore his daughter and named her Lisa, and married a
} backhoe operator, smokes Marlboro Lights and currently weighs in at
} 250, yet he still wears that shirt, and waits for a letter, or even
} just a grain of sand.
} You owe the Oracle a hankie.