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Internet Oracularities #597

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597, 597-01, 597-02, 597-03, 597-04, 597-05, 597-06, 597-07, 597-08, 597-09, 597-10


Usenet Oracularities #597    (49 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:27:57 -0500

@@@ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USENET ORACLE!
@@@
@@@ 8 October 1993 marks the 4th anniversary of the Oracle's presence on
@@@ Usenet.  Let the festivities begin ...

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   597
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

597   49 votes 7fd86 4cjb3 2cma3 3fic1 aaga3 2fde5 37dga 2cag9 4cla2 26ig7
597   3.1 mean  2.8   2.9   3.0   2.9   2.7   3.1   3.5   3.4   2.9   3.4


597-01    (7fd86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between FreeBSD and NetBSD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FreeBSD is bondage, submission, and dominance with people who do not
} charge you for their services.  It's illegal in four southern states.
}
} NetBSD is a large, coarse-weave fishing implement suitable for
} catching Bream, Salmon, and Dolphins, but allows smaller fish to swim
} free.  It's illegal in most of the world, by international treaty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a WetBSD.


597-02    (4cjb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who was born in a house full of pain?
> Who was trained not to spit in the fan?
> Who was told what to do by the man?
> Who was broken by trained personnel?
> Who was fitted with collar and chain?
> Who was given a pat on the back?
> Who was breaking away from the pack?
> Who was only a stranger at home?
> Who was ground down in the end?
> Who was found dead on the phone?
> Who was dragged down by the stone?
> WHO WAS DRAGGED DOWN... BY THE STONE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, buddy...Oracle policy generally states that I will answer
} one question per grovel - and you have made no attempt whatsoever to
} produce even a nominal grovel!  I have ZOTted people for this!  But
} since I see that you are a keen-minded individual, who no doubt was
} driven by his thirst for knowledge to ignore common courtesy, I will
} answer your questions.
}
} ] Who was born in a house full of pain?
}   Thomas Paine, famous American Revolutionary and publisher.
} ] Who was trained not to spit in the fan?
}   The man standing in front of it.
} ] Who was told what to do by the man?
}   The entire population of Jonestown, Guyana.
} ] Who was broken by trained personel?
}   Winston Smith
} ] Who was fitted with collar and chain?
}   Lisa, although she no longer uses it.
} ] Who was given a pat on the back?
}   Richard Nixon, playing "horsie".
} ] Who was breaking away from the pack?
}   Phil Katz.
} ] Who was only a stranger at home?
}   Valentine Michael Smith.
} ] Who was ground down in the end?
}   Donald Duck, backing into an electric fan.
} ] Who was found dead on the phone?
}   Ma Bell.
} ] Who was dragged down by the stone?
}   Luciano "Lucky" DiNostro.
} ] WHO WAS DRAGGED DOWN... BY THE STONE?
}   No need to shout.  I donj't guarantee that you'll _like_ my answers,
}   just that you'll get them.
}
} You owe the oracle an autographed copy of The Sound and the Fury, and a
} decent grovel.


597-03    (2cma3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle,
>
> who knows all, tells all, and has a positive balance in the
> bank,
>
> What are the list of questions we lowly supplicants cannot
> ask, and why.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LIST OF QUESTIONS THAT YOU LOWLY SUPPLICANTS CANNOT ASK:
} --------------------------------------------------------
}
}  Q: My $SUBJECT teacher give us this problem and I was wondering if you
}     could help me with it.
}  R: If you think you're above doing the problem yourself, so is the
}     oracle.
}
}  Q: "Dear U. Oracle, we have been noticed that your income tax return
}     $BLABBER."
}  R: I haven't payed taxes since the beginning of time, and am not
}     planning to do that any time soon.
}
}  Q: Is there anything more embarrassing than ${EVENT}?
}  R: Getting your willy ZOT'ed in public is the most embarassing thing
}     that could happen, so don't ask.
}
}  Q: How much work would a network work if a network could network?
}  R: What type of network?
}
}  Q: How can I get a date for $EVENT?
}  R: You're a CS major. You can't.
}
}  Q: Is Lisa free Friday night?
}  R: No.
}
}  Q: How much wood would a w*dch*k... < /dev/null
}  R:
}            ####### ####### #######   ###
}                 #  #     #    #      ###
}                #   #     #    #      ###
}               #    #     #    #       #
}              #     #     #    #
}             #      #     #    #      ###
}            ####### #######    #      ###
}
} You owe the oracle a list of all the rec.humor.oracle postings.


597-04    (3fic1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' wise and extreamly wonderful oracle, pray tell this insignifigant
> soul, Do you believe that mytical objects can hold power?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You of course meant "mythical" objects.  But be careful with those
} typos when you're sending mail to non-omniscient folks.
}
} Mythical objects cannot hold any power per se, as being fictitious,
} each and every one will have a zero capacitance.  They do still have
} the ability to change the world around them, however.
}
} Necronomicon:
}       This book, with a name associating it with the Book of the (Names
}       of the) Dead, has brought into being much unamusing short fiction
}       and some delightfully cheesy movies.  Includes information
}       allowing the user to contact "Old ones" at their secret base on
}       the planet Pluto.  Insanity fu. No breasts.  Joe-Bob says check
}       it out.
}
} $200 Sports Car:
}       This sports car, in perfect condition but available now for just
}       $200 because someone died inside and the dealer cannot remove the
}       smell, has prompted hundreds of bargain hunters to local used car
}       lots, trying to chase down a deal that turns out to have no
}       substance, not even a smell.
}
} moose.cs.indiana.edu:
}       Not a real net site, thousands of mail messages are addressed to
}       this location each month by eager supplicants seeking the ear of
}       a mysterious being referred to only as "The Oracle."  Local
}       administrators, figuring that thousands of e-mail users couldn't
}       be wrong, set up their routing software to forward all such mail
}       to npole.santa.mil, where it is dealt with appropriately.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of Jackalope antlers and an amount of money
} equal to the sum total of that donated by Snapple to Operation Rescue
} and the KKK.


597-05    (aaga3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most minimaximous Oracle, whose benificence and wisdom
> are as infinite and non-repeatable as the deicimal expansion
> of _pi_ (and only a little less irrational) help me please!
>
> There's this drunk programmer sitting in my living room
> telling drunk programmer funny stories (which aren't),
> but I promised not to throw him out of the house till he
> finished one last story.  So he says:
>
> "There's this politician, see?  And he's campaigning for
> votes, and he goes up to the people and he says:
>  "If you elect me, I'll put a chicken in every pot.
>    And I'm not just saying that to make you vote for me.
>
> ...And I'm not just saying *that* to make you vote for me.
>
> ......And I'm not just saying **that** to  make you
>       vote for me.
>
> ......And I'm not just saying ***THAT*** to make you
>       vote for me....'
>
>   Arghhh!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These two strings went into a bar,
} and the one said,
} "I'll have a beer".
}
} The other one said,
} I'll have a beerW#%$Pxg^Z".
}
} And the first one said
} "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."


597-06    (2fde5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I try to wax poetic,
> my readers' eyes glaze over and turn dull.
> Am I using the wrong kind of wax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Undoubtedly.
}
} First, do you have a poetic license?  You simply can't buy poetic wax
} without a poetic license, and (as you have discovered) you can't wax
} poetic without poetic wax.
}
} You can get a poetic license at your local library.  Ask at the
} reference desk for one.  They can also tell you where to get the wax,
} and how to use it.
}
} You owe the Oracle your explanation of how you learned to come in out
} of the wane.


597-07    (37dga dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Mostly Wise, prithy tell me, who stole my bicycle and will
> they be involved in a terrible road accident resulting in permanent
> disability, blindness, sterility and chronic pain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Let's take a look.  I'll just set the Way Back Machine to a few
} seconds before the bicycle was stolen... and here we are!  Come along,
} Sherman!"
}
} "Yes, Mr. Peabody!"
}
} "Here we are, Sherman, just where he left his bicycle, foolishly
} neglecting to chain it to the easily accessible lamppost!"
}
} "Pretty foolish, Mr. Peabody!"
}
} "The moment his back is turned, we see our thief, J. Pockfellow
} Eiterkopf, sneaking up to the bicycle and dashing away!"
}
} <ZOOM!>
}
} "Quickly, Sherman, not a second to lose!!  I'll hurl this stick into
} his spokes and send the knave to the fate he richly deserves..."
}
} <CRASH! TINKLE! FLOOMPF!>
}
} " `Floompf?', Mr. Peabody?"
}
} "Yes, Sherman, I'm afraid so: Eiterkopf was thrown from the stolen
} bicycle directly onto a pile of quilts!"
}
} "Gee, Mr. Peabody, that hardly seems fair.  He stole the bicycle and
} nothing happened to him at all!"
}
} "Don't worry, Sherman: He will soon die of a horrible disease."
}
} "A disease, Mr. Peabody?  I don't understand?"
}
} "No?  Haven't you heard of giving AIDS and comforters to the enemy?"
}
} You owe the Oracle two fracture fairy tales and a "Bullwinkle for
} President" t-shirt.


597-08    (2cag9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose tan lines never cross, whose toenails never need
> trimming, whose IQ causes Marilyn Vos Savant to cry in shame, please
> answer my humble question:
>
>    What does the G on Speed Racer's shirt stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > O mighty Oracle, whose tan lines never cross, whose toenails never
} > need trimming, whose IQ causes Marilyn Vos Savant to cry in shame,
} > please answer my humble question:
}
} Wait a minute!  Cry in shame?  Marilyn?  Say it isn't so!  I had no
} idea...
}
} >    What does the G on Speed Racer's shirt stand for?
}
} Ginny, his sweetheart in Pearville, IL.
}
} They met in Minneapolis at an auto show.  She was fascinated with
} the way his lips moved.  Their eyes met and their scene faded to
} dinner, a White Castle on the corner of Bryn Mawr and Fodor.  They
} gazed into each other's eyes for hours.  After they regained their
} senses, they made for Speed's trusty highway machine, and without a
} word, hit the onramp and *whoooosh* south and west and before
} sunrise, they had found the most secluded beach on Baja.  They
} tumbled into the sand and were enjoying a well-deserved nap when
} Fontaine, the notorious gangster, silently removed the condoms from
} Speed's glovebox, then disappeared without a trace.
}
} Speed and Ginny awoke with the sun high in the sky.  They built a
} fire and had a wonderful lunch of roasted nuts, cheese and crackers,
} and champagne.  Feeling quite flushed and warm, and giddy with the
} bubbly intoxicants, Ginny exclaimed, "Oh my, I simply MUST shed some
} clothing!" and began slowly to remove first her blouse, and then
} her slacks, until her pale skin shone bright in the intense Baja
} sun.  Speed replied, "Oh my, I think I'm having an erection!"  The
} music grew tense as Speed's mind flashed to the booklet he had found
} last summer.  He immediately scanned his memory of the contents of
} the glovebox.  YES!  He politely excused himself for just the
} moment, and gingerly stepped to the highway machine.  He opened the
} glovebox.  Ginny turned and stretched in the sun, exposing her
} predilections to the warmth of the sun.  His fingers explored the
} depths of the plush-lined compartment.  Speed Racer's forehead
} became wet as his fingers raised the alarm and he realized that his
} expectations were to be thwarted.  He again scanned his memory.
} There could only be one explanation!
}
} Fontaine tossed the condoms into the nearest trash can.  He chuckled
} the sort of chuckle only a true gangster can chuckle, and his lips
} moved.  He thought of the explosion about to occur.  He had
} considered perforating the condoms with a single tiny pin prick and
} returning them to the glovebox, but he needed the satisfaction of
} the impending boom.  He took a seat on the bench next to the trash
} can.  He looked at his watch.  He waited.  He opened his newspaper.
} He lost interest with the newspaper and looked at his watch again.
} He got bored.  He went home.
}
} Meanhile, Speed and Ginny had long since given up on safety and were
} making passionate love in the sand, rolling and creating a great
} moist depression in the secluded beach at Baja.
}
} Speed has never actually seen her since that day, and he does not
} know that Ginny bore his daughter and named her Lisa, and married a
} backhoe operator, smokes Marlboro Lights and currently weighs in at
} 250, yet he still wears that shirt, and waits for a letter, or even
} just a grain of sand.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hankie.


597-09    (4cla2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> You and I have never been seen in the same place at the same time,
> so people are beginning to think you might be my secret identity.
>
> Please stop by the office tomorrow; I'll buy lunch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Moneybags,
}
} Wow, that must be some expense account to buy lunch for all 49 of the
} users on this end of the connection.  See what a shared e-mail address
} gets ya?  Make the reservations, but we're gonna need at least four
} vegetarian platters, six kosher meals, and the rest of us go for huge
} slabs of dead mammal.  Whale will do fine.
}
} As to the mistaken identity, just wake up a little earlier and take the
} time to put on a suit - people ALWAYS mistake a grungy bathrobe for
} oracular priestly robes.
}
} As you've already surmised, you owe the Oracle lunch, but I'll take
} care of the tip.


597-10    (26ig7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Clark Kent's secret identity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Superman in a pair of cheap glasses, sad really. There are only three
} people in the solar system who are fooled by it, Perry White, Jimmy
} and Lois. All the other mammals know it's him, all of your criminal
} types straighten right up when they catch "Clark" coming down the
} street. Actually because of the stupid eyeglasses trick, Clark Kent
} unwittingly spawned an entire cottage industry. I'm referring, of
} course, to The Hair Club For Men (tm). You know it's a rug, I know
} it's a rug, dogs and kids know it's a friggin rug, but if Mr. Superman
} can prance around with just a pair of old hornrims on and everybody's
} willing to look the other way, shoot you can wear a dead woodchuck up
} there. Who's gonna say? It gets worse every year though. Now they've
} started trying spray paint on bald spots, "to make you look ten years
} younger." Yes, and if the Oracle's Aunt Marcella had balls, she'd be
} his Uncle Walden. The point is, my son, that nobody with half a
} thimble of sense is going to go up to Clark and say, "Nice disguise,
} Superguy" because he'd throw an embolism and pummel the poor halfwit
} to tapioca. So everybody thinks they can get away with it, just cover
} up your individual flaws with any old thing, never mind if it ends up
} looking like a turd on a truffle tray.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Mary Kay, a bottle of scotch and a razor.


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