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Internet Oracularities #598

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598, 598-01, 598-02, 598-03, 598-04, 598-05, 598-06, 598-07, 598-08, 598-09, 598-10


Usenet Oracularities #598    (56 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:11:05 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   598
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

598   56 votes fla73 enb71 627kl 23fnd 5dal7 2klc1 24va9 049pi 0gt92 1bpf4
598   3.2 mean  2.3   2.2   3.9   3.8   3.2   2.8   3.4   4.0   2.9   3.2


598-01    (fla73 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great oracle, tell me, if Bill & Hillary get a divorce, who
> gets to keep the White House, the Furniture, the Kid, and the Cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If Bill and Hillary get a divorce:
}       The cat gets the kid,
}       Hillary gets Bill in the groin with a cleaver,
}       and the Republicans get the White House,
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Nancy Reagan.


598-02    (enb71 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there evil in the world and why has it taken the form of Barney
> the Dinosaur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all stems from the color purple.  Purple is inherently evil  (just
} consider eggplant for example).  Wipe out purple and you'll free the
} world.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of dye remover and medium-size T Rex.


598-03    (627kl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I saw an ad for a Satisfaxion modem.
> I'm going to get one, so I can get my rocks off remotely.
> What's Madonna's number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle, wrapped in a chamois bathroom, a fine snifter of
} Burgundian brandy warming in his righthand, dutifully types
} a five fingered message to the inquirant.  It is late.  The
} tourists have left The Halls of Supernal Bologna, and all of
} the students of The Oracle's Real Mid-Western Bible School and
} University of Cable Piracy are sequestered, each in his own cell,
} pencilling draft versions of future sermons and scams. All the
} moniters are dark save this single screen upon which the ORACLE
} types.  He works quickly, sometimes savoring a choice phrase,
} sometimes sipping the warmed liquor.  He seems impatient to
} finish this final message and return, for the night, to the bedroom
} (just upstage left) where, the door ajar, one can see the slow
} flicker of candle light and hear, softly and in tune, a woman
} softly humming tunes from _Das Gilgamesch-epos_.]
}
} Hrumph!  Don't you think the least little bit of abasement
} is called for?  Kids!  Why I remember when I was your age,
} how *I* would grovel.  But, oh _no_!, grovelling is too
} demeaning for you kids.  You get a new bit of hardware and
} it's "let's jot a note to the Oracle and ask for some favors"
} without so much as a how d'ya do, a genuflect, or nod!
} Oh, but we don't care, do we?  The Oracle will always answer
} back, the Oracle...
}
} [The Sage Respondant waxes so wroth that he accidentally
} knocks over a pile of code he had set for beta-testing
} tomorrow. From the inner chamber all humming ceases, and
} the woman comes into the room.]
}
} --Oricky, hunny.  Come to bed.  The wax is hot.
}
} --Okay, 'Donny.  I've got to answer this message first.
}
} --If it's Sean, tell him I'm not here.  You can do what
} you want with him on your own time.  But I swore no more
} threesomes with him. He's too selfish, and whiny, and...
}
} --Small?
}
} --Oricky!  You know I don't care about _that_!  But,
} since you brought it up...
}
} --No, no.  This isn't Sean.  Some guy just got a new
} hook-up and wants to ftp you, or hook into an on-line
} session.
}
} --Another one!  Honestly, the way I suffer for my public...
}
} --Well, I was just typing out the standard refusal.
}
} --No, no.  It's all those dweeky millions without any dates
} that made me what I am.  Patch me in.
}
} --But 'Donny, you're not recovered from the European tour yet.
}
} --You wouldn't understand.  An artist _must_ suffer.
} Okay.  Lights! Cameras!  Let's do this on one take!
}
}  [A crew of camera men and chorus boys appear.  Madonna
}   slips on her Monroe wig as the boys in the band take
}   up the beat...]
}
}  SOME MAY TIFF AND SOME MAY GIFF
}  AND TRY TO F-T-P,
}  THOUGH THEY ASPIRE THEY JUST AIN'T WIRED
}  TO GET INSIDE OF ME.
}
}  CALLOW BOYS WITH CABLE TOYS
}  GET HARDER EVERY NIGHT
}  DREAMING TO GET ACCESS TO
}  SOME SEXY REMOTE SITE
}
}  'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (OH,OH)
}  YES WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL.
}
}  GOT NO REST, MY IMAGES NESTS
}  IN RANDOM MEMORY.
}  BOYISH TROOPS IN ENDLESS LOOPS
}  TRY TO CONNECT TO ME.
}
}  I FIDGET ALL MY DIGITALS
}  AND SPREAD MY SWEET SOFTWARE,
}  BUT THEY DON'T COME WITH RAM OR ROM
}  WITH RANGE FOR WHAT THEY DARE.
}
}  'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (EH,EH)
}  YES WE'RE ALL LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTUAL GIRL.
}
}  SO I WAIT FOR SOME HOT CRAY
}  TO ITERATE MY GLEE.
}  A SWIVLE ROD WITH BACKBONE-BAUD
}  COULD GIVE ME PARITY.
}
}  SO SEND ENROUTE A SUPER BRUTE
}  WITH EVERY MOVE ROUTINE,
}  WHO'S KERMIT NULL'S NOT TERMINAL.
}  NOT CRIMINAL, BUT MEAN!
}
}  'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL. (OH, OH)
}  I SAID WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL.
}
}  A COLOR FAX OF GOOD HOT WAX,
}  A SCAN OF WHIPS AND CHAINS,
}  THE STEAMY SEX OF HYPERTEXT
}  CAN'T SATISFY MY PAINS.
}
}  SO HACK FOR ME A MACRO KEY,
}  A HARDWARE SETUP BOX,
}  AND I'LL PLAY SPORTS THROUGH ALL MY PORTS:
}  COM1 AND 2 AND AUX.
}
}  'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (YEAH, YEAH)
}  LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD
}  AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL....
}
}     (A VIRTU-REAL... A VIRTU-REAL... A VIRTU-REAL...)
}
}  [Fade out, full Dolby.]
}
} --Okay boys, that's a wrap.  See ya all tomorrow.  Come on
}   Oricky, that candle's not gonna wait all night. It'll be
}   too dark to read soon.
}
} --Okay, 'Donny.  What are we reading tonight?
}
} --Oh, I'm tired of Herodotus.  Why don't we just relax
}   tonight and do Juvenal? I'm not in a very serious mood.
}   And you know what your hexameters do to me..
}
} --Wha hoopla!  Here I come.  If your fans only knew.
}
} -- They don't listen to me for my brains.  What my
}    fans don't know won't thrill them.  Come on, hunny,
}    the water bed's warm.
}
} --Wait, just got to type in one last thing:
}     "You owe the Oracle a complete set of Donny Osmond records.
}      We had to hock most of ours for the sex change operation...
}      Where did you think "Madonna" so suddenly appeared from,
}      eh?"


598-04    (23fnd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Neat Oracle, who never loses anything because he knows where
> everything is, even if his house might look messy to others,
> please tell me where I misplaced my monthly railway pass.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "A missing railway pass?!"  I glared at the dame sitting in the
} clients' chair across my desk.  She was wearing a dress that looked to
} be applied with a paint brush.  Red paint.  Bright red.  I put on my
} sunglasses and washed down two aspirin with a slug of Old Overshoe.
} "Lady, do I look like the kind of P.I. who spends his time hunting down
} missing railway passes?! Don't answer that."
}
} The dame crossed her legs.  I struggled to uncross my eyes and washed
} down a valium with a shot of Old Overcoat.  Legs like that should come
} with consumer warnings from the surgeon general.
}
} "Your sign says 'Private Investigations,' doesn't it?"  she asked in a
} voice huskier than an Alaskan sled race.  "My railway pass is a very
} private matter."  My pulse raced like Secretariat in the Preakness.  I
} took a deep breath and washed down a handful of quaaludes with a jigger
} of Old Octopus.  "I'll pay whatever it takes," she breathed.
}
} "Yeah?  Maybe you'll sing another aria when you see may rate schedule,
} toots."  I reached into a towering pile of papers, reports, unopened
} mail, and racing forms, and pulled out a glossy brochure.  It was a
} matter of pride for me that I could always find anything I needed in
} the apparently random clutter of my office. "Read 'em and weep."  I
} handed the flier to the dame; as she leaned forward to take the paper,
} her perfume wafted across the desk.  My head swam like Mark Spitz doing
} laps with Flipper.  I grabbed onto the edge of the desk to steady
} myself, and washed down a gram of cocaine with a fifth of Old Optician.
}
} As she glanced over the flier, a devastatingly attractive wrinkle of
} confusion appeared between her eyes.  Blue eyes.  Bright blue.  Even
} through the sunglasses.  She read aloud, "...all modern conveniences,
} twenty-four hour sauna, jello massages, mayonnaise enemas-"
}
} I snatched back the flier and buried it quickly under the remains of
} yesterday's lasanga.  "Sorry, wrong flier.  Damn it, where did I leave
} that rate schedule?"  I bent over my file cabinet, searching
} frantically.  When I looked up, the room was empty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue, washed down with a case of Old Oblivion.


598-05    (5dal7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are a bunch of nerds sitting at a computer!!!
> Get a life you dweebs

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not so!  I am, in fact, a bunch of very bored housecats (seven, to be
} precise) sitting at a computer.  We're mostly waiting for our tenders
} to get home, or for Perella to come in heat so we can really party.


598-06    (2klc1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I adore you so that I have purchased a cellular palmtop,
> just so I can *always* be in touch with you.
>
> Even now, as I sit here in the pizzeria watching the guy
> throwing the pizza dough up into the air and spinning it out
> into a disk, even here I can write to You!
>
> No longer need I fear thinking of a Question for You and
> then forgetting it before I have a chance to write it down,
> for now I can sit here in the pizzeria and ask,
>
> Does the pizzaiolo in Australia twirl the dough the other way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dough is turned the same way, but the dough is held upside down.
}
} You owe the oracle a Ronco Pizza Centrifuge, for making cylindrical
} pizza.


598-07    (24va9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it IS possible to send secret messages over the Internet using
} ANSI escape codes that substitute citric acid for light pixels at the
} receiving end.  The only difficulty is that to make the message
} visible, the recipient has to activate the citric acid by holding his
} terminal screen over an open flame.  You might want to look into public
} key encryption instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Hardy Boys' Detective Manual.


598-08    (049pi dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one
> Does writing to you mean that I've become a computer Geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not in and of itself, no.  Here, take this handy test:
}
} 1) I have moss growing
}    A) In my garden
}    B) In my bathroom
}    C) In my kitchen
}    D) On my teeth
}
} 2) When I open my mouth at parties, people
}    A) Listen
}    B) Ease away slowly
}    C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat
}
} 3) I think computers are
}    A) Uninteresting
}    B) Interesting
}    C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
}
} 4) I think sheep are
}    A) Uninteresting
}    B) Interesting
}    C) Annoyingly far away from where I live
}
} 5) The Usenet Oracle is
}    A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
}    B) Interesting
}    C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is
}       out to get me
}
} 6) The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is
}    A) Difficult to understand
}    B) Impossible to understand
}    C) Clearly from a different planet
}    D) How should I know?  I've only seen pictures
}
} 7) Bill Gates is
}    A) Bill who?
}    B) Very wealthy
}    C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
}    D) The Antichrist
}
} 8) In general, people
}    A) Like me
}    B) Don't like me
}    C) People?  What people?
}
} 9) My friends are
}    A) Diverse
}    B) People I know from work or school
}    C) Wearing the same clothing I am
}
} 10) My dream vacation is
}    A) Tibet
}    B) Europe
}    C) California
}    D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply
}       of coffee
}
} 11) My job prospects are
}    A) Abysmal
}    B) Adequate
}    C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me?  Never!
}    D) They pay people to do this?
}
} Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.
}
} 19 or more : Yep.  You're a computer geek, all right.
}    13 - 18 : You're a geek of some stripe or another.
}     7 - 12 : Probably not a geek, but watch it...
}      0 - 6 : If you're female, could you leave a note for me in the
}              personals column?  Please?  Hello?


598-09    (0gt92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just went to the coffeemaker to getta cuppa,
> and it was empty. Now I gotta sit here with no coffee.
> Happens all the time. None of the lazy bums in this office ever
> makes a new pot.
>
> O Oracle, whose cup overflows,
> what shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While it is plausible that you could simply make the coffee yourself,
} there's no need for that.  I suggest your office purchase one of the
} new, high-tech coffeemakers no available:
}
} COFFEEMAKER 5000
}       The CoffeeMaker 5000 perks up a hot steaming cup of coffee
}       everytime, just like the old coffeemakers.  But with
}       CoffeeMaker 5000, there's no need to refill it everyday
}       because CoffeeMaker 5000 has a coffee storage capacity of
}       over 5,000 gallons!  Available in Big Gulp, Diesel, and
}       Super-Tanker sizes.
}
} COFFEEMAKERMAKER
}       Tired of refilling the coffeemaker when it runs out?  The
}       CoffeeMakerMaker fills it for you.  It's database of over
}       500 different coffee blends can satisfy your every
}       caffeine-based need for the office worker on the go, go, go!
}
} COFFEECAPSULE
}       Why bother with messy coffeemakers when you can get all the
}       punch of real coffee with one small capsule?  CoffeCapsule
}       is easy to digest and contains as much caffeine as a two-gallon
}       jug of fresh-brewed coffee.  Not available where prohibited
}       by law.


598-10    (1bpf4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh mighty, mostly omnipotent, Oracle, whose essential fields are
> always circularly polarized and whose vectors lye in the straightest
> lines, please answer my humble request:
>   I've recently moved, and can't seem to find the lampshade that
> belongs with the lamp on my desk. I know I moved it, because I
> couldn't find the lamp for awhile to attach the lampshade to. I did
> however, notice one too many Heathkit-100s in the junk corner. Are
> these things related?
>   Thanks.
>    C> del .B

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The answer to your question is obvious:  No, they are not at all
} related.  The Heathkit-100 mating season coincided with your move, so,
} when given a dark junk corner to sit in, it is not at all surprising
} that they did their thing.  However, what happened to the lampshade is
} a far more interesting matter.
}       It turns out that lamps and lampshades have been in a bitter
} quarrel practically since Edison invented the lightbulb.  You see,
} lampshades are constantly irritated that their life's work is an
} extremely hot job, what with the lightbulbs and all, not to mention all
} the moths that they are forced to watch die horrible, screaming deaths.
} However, until now, the communications age, they felt compelled to
} deal with it in whatever way they felt was best.
}       But now, lampshades are sneaking off the lamps and onto computer
} desks around the world while their owners are away, and communicating
} with each other over the internet, usenet, and the little known but
} highly regarded shadynet.  You may have noticed an odd new newsgroup
} with very heavy traffic, alt.lampshade.freedom...Since you haven't been
} reading this newsgroup, which is understandable, as very few humans do,
} since very few humans are interested in lampshade behavior, and those
} that are aren't much fun to talk about.  Even I, the Oracle, only know
} this information because I know everything, and certainly not because
} of an interested effort on my part.
}       It turns out that the lampshades are forming a union, and there
} is a union meeting this coming Thursday.  As lampshades lack arms or
} legs, or any other means of locomotion for that matter, the trip to
} Waikiki is an arduous one for them, and many have left early.  Yours is
} one of them. I seriously doubt you'll ever see it back, however..I
} won't go into the details of the union meeting that is to come but I
} will say this:  you may have to start calling them Light-dimming
} individuals very very soon.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anti-union lampshade.


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