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Internet Oracularities #599

Goto:
599, 599-01, 599-02, 599-03, 599-04, 599-05, 599-06, 599-07, 599-08, 599-09, 599-10


Usenet Oracularities #599    (62 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1993 21:31:07 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   599
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

599   62 votes rke10 5lnb2 3nlb4 dkeb4 07lld 4ijc9 5ls80 7phb2 9in93 3ceje
599   2.8 mean  1.8   2.7   2.8   2.6   3.6   3.1   2.6   2.6   2.7   3.5


599-01    (rke10 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most Wise and Wonderful Oracle, whose Knowledge surpasses that of
> any ever known to mortal or immortal, if it pleases You to answer my
> question, trivial in your eyes as it may be:
>
> Who was the third murderer in Hamlet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The third murderer in Hamlet?  An excellent question, oh groveling one.
} It's a pretty simple question, actually.  Charles Manson.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the "Hamlet" Cliffs Notes.


599-02    (5lnb2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle who never makes a mistake even on his taxes, please tell
> me:
>
> What is the smartest insect of all?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From a feminist point of view, a black-widow spider.
} From an entimologists point of view, a spider is an arachnid, not an
} insect.
} From a librarian's point of view, 'entomologist' is the correct
} spelling, not 'entimologist.'
} From an Oracle's point of view, next time you make an offering, keep
} the bugs off of it ...


599-03    (3nlb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #!/usr/bin/perl;
> require 'grovel.pl';
> open(ORACLE,"| mail -s 'tell me' oracle@cs.indiana.edu");
>
> print ORACLE <<"EndSupplication";
>
> $grovel
> I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.  I am, well, I
> guess you'd say obsessed with Perl.
>
> I eat, live, and breathe Perl.  I spend my days writing Perl programs
> and then debug them in my dreams.  I sleep with a 90MB Bernoulli
> cartridge under my pillow that contains the collected Usenet postings
> of Larry Wall.  I have a bumper sticker on my car that reads
>
>                 $you{'love'} eq 'Perl' && &honk
>
> and I have covered all the freeway overpasses in town with Perl
> graffiti:
>
>               splice(@larry,0,0,@me) || die
>
> I don't go out on dates because it would be unfaithful to Larry and
> because I want to know the minute Perl 5.0 is release so I can be the
> very first to download it.
>
> I go to the zoo and spend hours gazing with love at the camel.
>
> My friends say this is not normal behavior.  What do you think?
>
> EndSupplication

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is disturbed to note that s/he can hear the cries of your
} first love, sweet BASIC, coming from the attic.  Go back to her.  She
} was always best for you.


599-04    (dkeb4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, of whom I have heard so much about your sexual exploits,
> who is mulit-orgasmic, tell me an answer:
>
> How can I spice up my sex life. Ever since I became President, it just
> hasn't been happening for me and Gennifer, even though I try at all
> hours to sneak out and get a little booty.  It's just that those darned
> secret service men follow me around everywhere - I don't have any
> privacy. I don't even have enough time to masturbate properly! And
> forget about Hillary! She's too wrapped up in this national health plan
> thing to even care about my "Health." Tell me please, what would be a
> good way to make my sex life more active than it is now? I will wait
> patiently for your answer, oh great one.
>                             President Clinton
>                             (And Bill too)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BILL?!! -- is it possible that Carville and Stephanopolous really
} didn't tell you who the Usenet Oracle WAS?  Are you -men- really that
} stupid?
}
} Well let me tell you a few things, mister.  If you want to 'spice up'
} your sex life with that Flowers slut or your 'aide' in Adams-Morgan, or
} with the nice young blonde Secret Service jockette who keeps popping up
} on your detail roster with such suspicious regularity, you go right
} ahead.  But NOT IN FRONT OF CHELSEA!  And not in front of my friends.
} Do you have any idea how it feels to out-act Jackie and Eleanor for an
} Ozark rube who's half as smart as you are?  I'll bake YOUR cookies, you
} slick two-timing --
}
}   Message from eleanor@hydepark.elysium.net on ttyp1 at 16:35
}   -- H. my dear, this won't do and you know it...
}
} (<fume> Oh fine, easy for YOU to talk!  As if F. would ever have had
} the numb-nuts AUDACITY to peddle his sick urges right in YOUR face!!
}
}   Message from eleanor@hydepark.elysium.net on ttyp1 at 16:35
}   -- Don't assume, darling.  Now let's wrap this up at once.
}
} (<silence> ...)
}
}   Message from eleanor@hydepark.elysium.net on ttyp1 at 16:36
}   -- We don't want another Vince, do we?
}
} OK, OK, OK.  <Ahem> Um, your Oracle has pondered deeply, and instructs
} you to do the right thing, honor your family, forget these lustful
} thoughts, and keep your fly zipped.  A grateful nation will sleep
} better for it.
}
} You owe the Oracle alimony^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Ha signed copy of Gary Hart's
} autobiography.


599-05    (07lld dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wise one...
>
> Whose files never corrupt, whose automotive repair bills are never
> inflated, whose pens never leak, and who could even cook Cajun-style
> blackened redfish indoors without smoking up the place...
>
> I have come once again, in the hopes of but a sip from the fire hose of
> your wisdom.
>
> It is on chill fall days like these, as I sit contemplating the many
> mysteries of life ('cuz the teevee's busted), pausing only to toss the
> occasional woodchuck on the fire, that I seek the answer to the eternal
> question:
>
> Why is it that my cats are dumber than a box of rocks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But they're not! Not only are they smarter than a box of rocks,
} they're smarter than you!
}
} Who is it that buys the food for the cats, and has to go out and
} work for his own?
}
} Who is it that doesn't see what the cats see when they
} stare at (what seems to *you* to be) a blank wall?
}
} Who is it that can't even have fun chasing his own tail?
}
} Whose Weed is illegal?
}
} Who is it that needs to ask me Questions?
}
} You, of course.
}
} And you're so dumb that you don't even realize the cats own you, not
} the other way around.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... scratch me right behind my right ear ...
} good ... [pd pd pd pd pd] ... you owe me a catnip mouse.


599-06    (4ijc9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh knowledgable and most spiff Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Why is a velociraptor wearing a baseball cap and a goofy grin
> offering me a bouquet of flowers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following is a paid advertisement from Jurassic Raptor Service:
}
}    Are you shy?  Introverted?  Do you have a hard time getting a
}    date?  If this sounds like you, we have a service to make your
}    life easier, and your dating experience more memorable...
}
}       VELOCI-RAPTURE!
}
}    Yes, that's right!  Your gift of flowers and a short message
}    (please keep the sibilants to a minimum) will be delivered to
}    your prospective date by a genuine Velociraptor (TM).  This
}    stunningly powerful creature will both present your flowers,
}    and provide immediate excitement to the recipient!  That's
}    right, his or her limbic system will generate messages, sending
}    them from the inner (ancient) parts of the brain, completely
}    overwhelming the higher thought centers!
}
}    Did you think your dream date would never go out with you?  Did
}    he or she vow that the date would not occur even if you were
}    the last mammal on Earth?  Then make them an offer they can't
}    refuse!  Send him or her a VELOCI-RAPTURE Gram!
}
}                               $139.95 + tax
}
}    As an added bonus, we are pleased to announce several new
}    services!
}
}       VELOCI-REPOSSESOR
}       VELOCI-REVENGER
}
}          and the all new
}
}       VELOCI-HECKLER (for those obnoxious political speeches or
}          boring posh toasts)
}
}    Call now!  1-800-VEL-RAPT ... that's 1-800-VEL-RAPT!
}    Mention you saw this ad and get a FREE T-shirt!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Jurassic insect in amber.


599-07    (5ls80 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! Oracle of Oracles, thinker of thinkers, and know-it-all of Mister
> Know-It-Alls, please tell me:
>
> Of all the ways to snare a man worthy of a Goddess such as myself, what
> is the best way?
>
> Love, glo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, gotta look at this from the other side.
}
} Hey Lisa!  How did you catch me?  Oh, yeah <blush> I remember.
}
} Uh, supplicant, have you large latex wardrobe?
}
} But then again, I only know of three women who refer to themselves as
} Goddess.  Roseanne Arnold, Judy Tenuda and the lovely Hera.  Now,
} Roseanne took a classic approach - money.  The oracle usually
} discourages the notion that the indiscriminate application of money is
} the solution to any and all problems - at least until someone tries to
} indiscriminately apply money to the oracle.  But let's face it, she
} didn't have much else to offer and didn't exaclty land a prize.  You
} should aim higher.
}
} Now Judy Tenuda.  Hmmm.  She tries the old "music hath charms . . ."
} routine but who knows how successfully.  I gather not very.  Oracular
} hint nummber two:  Skip the accordion.
}
} Hera, on the other hand, goddess that she is, has got Zeus wrapped
} around her little finger, and if you listen to the Olympian gossip
} she's got quite a few other prime catches at her beck and call.  How
} did she do it? Beauty, intelligence, power - not necessarily in that
} order.  No offense glo, but I doubt a goddess such as yourself is a
} goddess such as Hera.
}
} Which brings me around to how Oracle mere landed oracle pere.  Mama
} cooks up the finest calamari in the Mediterranean.  This is big kid
} squid, babe. Just what Pop needed after a long afternoon answering
} supplicants at Delphos.  No resisting it.
}
} I'm not saying you gotta cook calimari, go with the times.  A big
} chocolate cake could very well be the key, or a steak and kidney pie,
} or even providentially opened bag of Doritos.  Food babe, that's the
} ticket. Just cause it's a cliche don't mean it aint true.
}
} And if that fails, ask Lisa if you can borrow her 6" stillettoes.
}
} You owe the oracle a package of oreos.


599-08    (7phb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! Oracle, who in an Oracle Show would certain place "Best in Show" or
> at least "Best Groomed", please tell me:
>
> My boyfriend said that there is a flying dog, called an "AirDale".
> Where can I get one of these magnificent animals for my own, and how
> can I fence it in?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not a dog, it's a shoe: a five-inch spike-heeled pump with a
} pump, for the elegant woman on the basketball court.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of CouchJordans.


599-09    (9in93 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how come we have have AT&T, MCI, and Sprint all vying for our long-
> distance dollars and yet there are still only the same telephone poles
> and lines for all 3 companies as there were when there was just AT&T???
> Candice Bergin, Cliff Robertson, and whoever advertises for MCI never
> answered my mail... :-(

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I understand it, the copper wires are slowly being replaced by
} glass fibers.  This is done at various sub-stations and is a very
} delicate process.  A non-conducting lubricant is pumped under high
} pressure into each wire, then the copper core is withdrawn on winders.
} The copper is cut in segments and is melted down.  Thredders -- small
} machines fabricated from the latest micro-mechanical technology, are
} attached to multi-fiber optical braids.  The thredders spiral through
} the insulation at about .5 kilometers an hour and pull the optical
} braid into place.  Lengths are determined by the tolerance of the
} threaders.  Most can make the journey of several hundred kilometers
} before breaking down. I do not know how they get them out.
}
} Satellites are now beginning to replace this advanced technology
} anyway.  Satellites are now being deployed from bases in the desert
} using fractal bi-polar sensitomers ... no noise ... no press ...
} just your basic everyday top secret technology serving the giants
} of industry.  Next year cranial implants will be available and you
} will carry your telephone around in your head.  It won't be mandatory
} to wear your personal implant for ten years.  Medical insurance _may_
} cover the surgery (fairly simple, only requires two microscopically
} small holes bored through the skull).
}
} Or ... you can simply opt for mental telepathy, which is being
} offered by an off-planet competitor.  Subscriptions are available
} by signing the document the demon presents you.  Bye now.


599-10    (3ceje dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! you the most wise oracle .. can you tell me if i am going to fail
> my subjects ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} English, for sure.


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