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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:58:38 GMT

Internet Oracularities #6

Goto:
6, 6-01, 6-02, 6-03, 6-04, 6-05, 6-06, 6-07, 6-08, 6-09, 6-10


Usenet Oracularities #6
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Oct 89 18:38:28 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


6-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I get lots of junk mail from nice Americans like REAL
> gurus do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's junk mail from a nice All-American Oracle:
}
} kwljqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
} wqeoikjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdsjadsamsa|l|laks|kaslamsklsaml
} a|kjsdak|jdslajksljalskjsdlkjlkajlkajdslkajlkajsdlkajdlkajlkajsdlkajskj
} kajdslkajkjdslkjasjsdlakjlkasjd
}
} kjajslkajlkajkjsajskajasljdkjskkskjsjaljlkajlkajdlkasjlkdsaj
} kjasjlajdlkadjkasljsd
}
} And stop asking stupid questions, my little friend.


6-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If the  answer  is  "Joseph  Goebbels,  7  Dwarfs,  500  grams  of
>      sauerkraut and 3 spoonfuls of butter," what was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What assessories will you need to give Rosanne Barr an orgasm?


6-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> RN(VN) GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES.  CAN YOU
> HELP ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gladly.  Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'.
} It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!


6-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are all these elephant-shaped flies buzzing in my ears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, this is a most vexing problem indeed, which requires the telling of
} ancient history. In the days before Mankind, the Old Gods strode the
} earth with tentacular feet and indescribably hideous faces. In this
} epoch were designed the elephants and flies, which the Old Ones created
} as playthings for Their children. The children killed a fair number of
} them, but a few survived and built up a resistance army to overthrow the
} Incredible Disgusting Ones.
}   When Man was created, he had to throw in with either the Old Ones, who
} created him as the perfectly sized snack food, or the Resistance, which
} were just a nuisance. He went with the Old Ones, out of a sense of
} masochism I suppose, and was slaughtered for his trouble. But a few
} tribes of Man went with the Resistance.
}   The Resistance had good uses for Man. Man was good with his hands, and
} could create all sorts of diversions and traps to try to destroy the Old
} Ones. Actually, all they ever succeeded at was ticking the Old Ones off,
} especially when men got stuck in their throats. The Old Ones enjoyed the
} help of their men, since they were a lot quiter and didn't struggle when
} they were swallowed.
}   Men became so adept at baiting traps, the Old Ones placed a curse on
} them before they left for planets which weren't so boring. This curse
} created the perfect beings, in the Old Ones opinion, to taunt only the
} baiters with visions of the Old and Icky Ones. The former breakfast food
} people were left alone, blissfully ignorant of their lost creators.
}   Throughout time, all the proficient trap-baiters have been tormented
} in a way the Old Ones didn't expect. For elephant-fly hybrids look just
} as disgusting as the Old Ones. (Well, maybe not THAT bad)
}   So, you see, the elephant-shaped flies are buzzing in your ears
} because you are a Master Baiter.
}
} The ORACLE has spoken.


6-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does VAX stand for?  Also, does VMS have any meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have been led down a twisted path, my son. You must repent, and
} cast out the sinful computers from your life! If you, I shudder to
} contemplate the thought, if you are a PROGRAMMER, there is still hope.
} Turn from the corrupting influence of the compiler, the twisted
} intricacies and mind-decaying patterns of Pascal and Fortran, and smash
} your hard drive into infinitesmal fragments.
}   For, lo! The words from the heavens have decreed; VAX is the
} corrupter, the Volatile Antithetical Xenomorph. Beware, for to
} contemplate and speak aloud the formulae of it's constructions may bring
} the evil thing into existence, feeding off of the raw forces of nature,
} driving your electric bill through the roof, and coming to life within
} your computer. It may have already started. Beware! For the screen which
} you love may one day consume it's master.
}   The way out lies within the second question. For VMS, as the gods of
} Nehncumnpupe have foretold, is Versimilitude May Save. Seek the truths
} of life, cast out the crooked paths of computer algorithms, and your
} soul may be saved.
}
} The ORACLE has spoken.


6-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle ! Please help me with the following:
>
> My Sun 3/60 won't boot. Instead, it yells: "bread 0" twice and then
> remains silent. What can be the cause of this ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh unworthly one, the great, mighty, infinitely wise and benificient
} Oracle, whose feet you are unworthly to lick will explain your
} difficulty to you.
}
} You bloody twit, it's hungry!  Do YOU work when your starving?  If your
} boss locked YOU into a dark basement, and didn't allow YOU a lunch
} break, would YOU reboot for him?


6-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't the polar bear have frost on its nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear little world explorer, the answer to this question is found in
} XCLOP, the concise description of all carbon based life forms in section
} Xwa of the Universe.  As you are not likely to have it in your personal
} library (it consists of an equivalent of 10 billion pages), we, the
} Usenet Oracle, will try to translate the section on the polar bear
} peculiarities in a language most suitable for translation from XCLOP:
}
} "De ijsbeer, gelijkend op de zokoe-jfa van de planeet Pqwar bij de ster
} XZ-11, wordt de neus verwarmd door een groter aantal bloedvaten dan men
} zou verwachten op grond van onderzoek van andere soorten van de planeet
} Zooitje bij de ster IT-345.  Dit vindt waarschijnlijk zijn &^%#
} (onvertaalbaar) in paargewoonten van deze diersoort.  De ijsbeer, een
} niet zo amoureus aangelegd type, neemt het niet zo nauw met
} territoriumgedrag en zal, als hij een ijsberin tegenkomt, zijn snuit
} tussen haar benen steken, zodat zij sneller zal opwarmen..."


6-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the blue cheese dressing always on the opposite side of the salad
> bar from the side I am standing at.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, the bleu cheese dressing represents your Neo-Hegelian
} desires for immortality.  Your disturbing misspelling of "bleu" as
} "blue" reveals your distorted (and somewhat schizophrenic) outlook on
} life: you want complex questions of God, love, and work to be resolved
} in simple, bold terms, such as primary colors.  If left unchecked,
} this may lead to a Ronald Reaganesque cartoon-like outlook on life,
} and will eventually develop into a severe case of Alzheimers disease.
} Your best move is to switch to a salad dressing that will not
} interfere with your desired lifestyle as much, such as Ranch, or
} perhaps a simple, Zen-like oil and vinegar.  If you find yourself
} unable to do this, I recommend you stop eating salads altogether, and
} continue your search for the ascetic ideal in more traditional dishes
} of Western culinaro-religious philosophy, such as potato slices basted
} in hot oil, or greasy dead cow on a slightly stale piece of bread,
} slathered with a healthy tomato-and-sugar mixture.
}
} The Usenet Oracle has spoken.


6-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are females so hard to figure out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The female of any species (that is, any species that has both male and
} female) has been divinely appointed the task of bearing and raising the
} young of that species.  (Happily, in this enlightened age, some male are
} allowed to share in the joy of raising their offspring.) In order for
} the female to carry out her task, she has been endowed with attributes
} that the male can only wish for, such as heightened insight and greater
} intelligence.  Thus, females operate on a higher level than males and it
} is as impossible for us to figure them out as it is for an emu to figure
} us out.
}
} Now go kiss you {wife,girlfriend,mistress,mother} and say that you're
} sorry.


6-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > You invent a time machine now and go back in time one year and kill
>   yourself and thus cannot invent a time machine. Can you kill yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my son, you have stumbled upon a great problem indeed. Through the
} ages, on computer systems much like this, months and years of inane
} babbling has filled the BBS' with thoughts and opinions on the nature of
} time and time paradoxes.
}   There are a few possibilities which take care of this paradox. This is
} on the basis that nature does not ALLOW paradoxes to exist, which may or
} may not be true.
}   It is possible that you go back in time, and do kill yourself. Since
} you never created the time machine, you couldn't have killed yourself.
} (And so on) This causal loop is solved by one observation: The universe
} is random. Therefore, each time it `loops', things will happen slightly
} differently. This will continue until the conditions which brought the
} loop into existance, namely, the time machine, is no longer true. On
} this basis, it can ALSO be shown that time machines will NEVER be
} created, since they inevitably lead to causal loops.
}   Another possibility is that you CANNOT go into your exact past. (After
} all, you KNOW you weren't killed one year ago by yourself, so how can
} you contradict this fact?) What happens is that you go into an alternate
} reality, with the only difference being that in this new reality, you
} die. The extra self, wondering if he'll disappear, still exists. There
} is no paradox.
}   There are other theories, such as the concept of healing time, which
} the Oracle shall not delve into. Suffice to say, most other theories are
} silly or confusing, or both.
} The Oracle has spaked.


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