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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:38:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #60

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60, 60-01, 60-02, 60-03, 60-04, 60-05, 60-06, 60-07, 60-08, 60-09, 60-10


Usenet Oracularities #60
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 17 Nov 89 21:01:09 GMT

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60-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>      Who make better lovers, C.S. students or engineering students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Engineering students make lovers out of old model tank parts, because
} they're so hopeless at women.
}
} Female C. S. students are really good 'cos they've read the manual.


60-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle I have gotten such good and wise answers from the Oracle
> and the Priesthood.  Have any of the many humans you have helped ever
> sent a message praising the Oracle for its wisdom and expressing thanks?
> I am doing that now.  Is it possible that one day we might see a "Dear
> Oracle" column in our earthly newspapers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Standard response 134/as-43B (delete as applicable)
}
} It is good to (hear/see/be aware of) you my (son/daughter) and to see
} that you (appreciate/are taking an interest in/utterly despise) the
} workings of the mighty oracle and it's priesthood.  We look forward with
} eager anticipation to your (next question/written complaint/civil
} lawsuit).  We (hope/pray/beg) that you will continue to find this a
} (useful/useless) service and are happy to have been (lots
} of/some/little/none at all) use in the past.


60-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the after before thing whenever if in when her the age question
> does cheese and if when neither so lemon curry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too bad nothing can be done about you.
} But a notice to all you faithful servants of the Oracle out there:
}
} Never ask a woman her age, or you may end up talking like this guy.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle any thing.  It must have taken all you had to
} ask that question.  (Not this one idiot, her age I mean)


60-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do we do now, Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, we can do anything we want now!  Let's have a party!  You bring the
} snacks:  fifteen bags of potato chips, ten bags of corn chips, eight
} bags of wheat chips, seven bags of barley chips, six bags of rye chips,
} five bags of rice chips, four bags of noodle chips, three bags of
} sauerkraut chips, two bags of marshmallow chips, and fifty-three bags of
} okra-n-blasphemy chips.  I'll bring the drinks:  seventeen bottles of
} coke, sixteen bottles of cherry coke, fifteen bottles of apple coke,
} thirteen bottles of lemon coke, eleven bottles of grapefruit coke, ten
} bottles of cabbage coke, nine bottles of pea coke, eight bottles of
} whiskey coke, six bottles of sauerkraut coke, five bottles of broccoli
} coke, four bottles of iodine coke, three bottles of badger's blood coke,
} two bottles of cyanide coke, and one bottle of hot water with small
} unidentifiable, partially decomposed objects floating in it for people
} who can't handle coke.
}
} But the two of use won't make nearly enough of a party.  We'll need some
} more people.  Danny Quayle is a good choice.  He'll bring the booze.  I
} don't want to give him a shopping list, because he can't read.  Tell him
} to go down to "Mr.  Alcohol-Induced Dementia", and have him buy one of
} everything.  That'll be good.  Liisa had better be there too.  She can
} bring the peanut butter and the whips.  We'll get all the Usenet Oracle
} regulars there!
}
} This sounds really great!  Thanks for thinking of i!


60-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's been a really crazy day, and I don't understand it at all, and I
> was kind of hoping you would explain it to me.  This morning I was Oral
> Robert's cook.  I'd been on the job for just over two months, and I had
> kind of gotten used to the prayer sessions and shit.  Well, Oral had a
> bunch of celebs, children's-book characters, and Biblical people over
> for a dinner, and I served Chicken Veronique -- prepared with a sauce
> that's 1/3 heavy cream, 1/3 egg, and 1/3 sherry, and barely cooked, so
> it's pretty alcoholic.  Well, about ten minutes into the main course,
> Frank Sinatra finished his helping.  I know he's had a teetotaling
> problem for a long time (he's been one of Oral's most ardent, if secret,
> followers), and I guess he didn't know that the sauce was alcoholic.
> Anyway, he got kind of drunk.  He grabbed a gigantic book away from
> Delilah, and whacked Sam-I-Am over the head with it.  Sam-I-Am is in the
> hospital, and I am out on the streets looking for work.  What's going on
> here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tammy!  Tammy, snap out of that!  I know you're going into these crazy
} dream- worlds in order to escape the horrors of being who you are, but
} you have to admit to it or you'll never be sane.  You actually are
} married to that vile perverted choirboy, Jim Bakker, and you actually
} were part of that scam he put over on the public.  Now I interpret your
} dream-world as follows:  You have a deep repressed lust after Oral
} Roberts, and you wish to be in a position subservient to him.  The
} celebrities represent the entertainment world you secretly envy, the
} Biblical characters are sitting in judgement over Jim's (and by
} extension your) transgressions, and the characters from children's books
} represent a desire to return to that safe, protected world of childhood
} (like Jim's fetal position, only less so).  Now your preparation of a
} dish that might get people drunk and cause havoc in such a gathering is
} a re- enactment of adolescent rebelliousness.  Sinatra, having once been
} the idol of bobbysoxers, fits in nicely with that.  The book is the
} Bible, of course, and Sinatra (as a leader of the young and rebellious)
} hits Sam-I-Am (symbol of Godless Communism, for as is well known, Dr.
} Seuss is a Godless Commie) with it, representing your hopes that
} evangelical Christianity will render the world safer for liberty.
}
} I know some people who can help you, Tammy.  They'll scrub that makeup
} off your face and keep you in a safe makeup-free environment until you
} recover.  A bit of gentle brainwashing, some psychotherapy, extensive
} plastic surgery, crash courses in good taste (they'' train you out of T.
} J.  Maxx, rest assured) and singing -- they'll make a new woman of you,
} give you a whole new identity.  Whaddaya say?


60-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it always snow on the night when I have a heavy date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You happen to be the current avatar of the ancient god Schneesturm, and
} thus have the ability to cause snow at will.  This ability manifests
} itself when you have a heavy date because of a subconscious need to
} "cool down" a hot date.  Your first goal is to practice until you no
} longer make it snow accidentally.
}
} Eventually, you will develop your powers to the point that you can
} summon a blizzard in a matter of minutes.  Once you reach this point,
} you can have fun on dates by inviting your date in for "just a couple
} minutes" and getting yourselves snowed in (with "nothing" to do).
}
} Another use is to extort large amounts of money from tourist locations
} like Florida, Hawaii, and Tahiti by threatening to visit them.  (This
} works especially well if you don't have full control yet.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself with a date in front of a
} roaring fireplace.


60-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just took the unisex, omnisexual purity test and got a score of 26.5.
> Is this good or bad?
>
> Signed, sick, disgusting, and kinda cute.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear sick, disgusting and kinda cute,
}
} Your score indicates that your purity is distinctly near exhaustion.
} Think of it as being experienced.  You've learned how to satisfy women,
} how to become the envy of other men, how to be treated as an equal by
} your betters, and why sheep always stand at the other end of the field
} from the public footpath.
}
} It's a good feeling.


60-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Oracle Most Wise, I am a little troubled.  I have asked you
> about a topic, and you always reply with something about sex.  I can
> understand that, since my topic is "Supple girls", but I beg you, O
> Mighty One, I am not asking about sex.  At least not now :-)
>
> Now, what I am wondering is this.  You must know a lot of girls.
> Whatever your gender might be.  Who is the most supple on Earth, and
> what is she able to do?
>
> I mean, exectly what kinds of positions can she assume, and what
> movements can she make, with her supple self?  They must be quite
> fantastic.  Please, I am not asking about sex.  Isn't it a relief not to
> have to talk about that subject for once?
>
> I would be eternally grateful if you could just describe some details of
> her limberness to me, Oracle Most Wise.  I have this great curiousity
> today, you see.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many extremely supple girls in this world and one of the most
} supple is Tammy Faye Bakker.  The Oracle hopes that you now see that
} this answer has nothing to do with sex as you requested.  (In
} particular, the Oracle will refrain from making jokes about the
} missionary position.) The suppleness of the aforementioned Tammy Faye
} Bakker, the positions she can assume and the movements she can make are
} not the kind that one can capture on video tape (as Rob Lowe can no
} doubt attest).  Rather they are of the mind.  Needless to say it is
} extremely difficult to hold several contradictory beliefs in the
} almighty power of god, television and 800-numbers in your mind while
} your husband is being carted off to the slammer and only the most supple
} of minds can do it.  Of course the Oracle has no problem doing this, but
} that is another answer for another time.
}
} You owe the oracle:  a videotape of yourself in interesting positions
} with or without Rob Lowe.


60-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened?
>
> Where?
>
> When?
>
> Am I dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually, you may only give one question, but since they are so short, I
} will reply to them all.
}
} What happened?
}
}   She gave you a big kiss.
}
} Where?
}
}   On your mouth, didn't you notice?
}
} When?
}
}   In fact, it was just a few second ago.
}
} Am I dead?
}
}   Do not be alarmed my son, you are just madly in love.  And a little
}   confused, but that will soon be over.
}
} The Oracle wishes you both a happy time.


60-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a strange desire to eat Milpitas.  Whence arose this, and how
> can I get rid of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is very serious indeed.
}
} The roots of the problem go back to the sixties.  As conflict dragged on
} in Vietnam, more and more young American men were drafted and sent to
} fight against their will.  This provoked many anti-war feelings and
} various schemes to beat the draft and avoid going halfway around the
} world to have your legs shot out from under you.
}
} Some of these methods have been documented, such as the "you can get
} anything you want at Alice's Restuarant" plan detailed in the Arlo
} Guthrie song.  This plan was later foiled by a cleverly placed stupid
} movie of the same name which removed the message from the words.
}
} Another popular way to avoid the draft was to be a conscientious
} objector.  Supposedly, having a peaceful, moral attitude and strong
} objections to killing things would make you useless to the armed forces.
} The Army and CIA collaborated on a (covert) study of the so called
} "peaceniks" and discovered that many of those claiming conscientious
} objector status were also vegetarians by diet.  Apparently, these same
} people who did not want to kill animals for food did not want to kill
} people for any reason.  Further study indicated the vast majority of
} these objectors ate things like veggie sandwiches on pita bread.
}
} So the military industrial complex hatched a devious plan.  They hired
} chemists and nutritionalists to create a substance that would induce
} anger and the desire to KILL KILL KILL.  This substance was then blended
} with common wheat flour and used to make bread.  These loaves were known
} as "milpitas" just as the military computer network is known as
} "milnet".  Agents then infiltrated many health and natural food stores
} and replaced the normal veggie kind of pitas with the deadly milpitas.
}
} The scheme backfired when thousands of hippies, freaking out on milpitas
} decided to fight the US government, and the tainted loaves were quickly
} removed from the shelves.
}
} Your desire for these barbarous baked goods indicates that one of your
} parents was among the creators of this abomination.  The urge will be
} tough to beat, but it can be done.  You may either hitchhike to Canada
} and wait for Jimmy Carter to get back into office and pardon you, or you
} can fast for forty days and forty two nights in the radioactive nuclear
} testing grounds in the Nevada desert.
}
} Above all, do not succomb to the desire to eat milpitas or you will be
} robbed of all free will and join the forces of the new skinhead militia.
} Then you will have to hang around airports waiting for a chance to beat
} up Morton Downey Junior.
}
} You owe the Oracle an avacado, alfalfa sprout and jack cheese sandwich
} on a whole wheat pita.  And a large carrot juice to wash it down.


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